


you're the sugar to my daddy

by gotchick



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-10 13:32:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 137,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7847017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which jaebum finds a baby on his doorstep with a note claiming he's the father, and the other six boys in his fraternity house become her surrogate uncles. (college au, best friends to lovers)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my second prompt from xx hours, written for jjpfanatic, but because it looks like its going to be more than 10k words i thought it could no longer be categorized as a ficlet. and since the prompter asked for smut, i wanted to write a scene of decent length for her so this got too long not to be split into 2 chapters. im sorry i couldn't post it together with all the other prompts i really hate my inability to write shortfic especially when its a plot i have lots to say about ;; idk how im going to write all the other prompts if they're all going to get this long lmfao but of course i still hope my lovely prompter finds this and likes it, for the record all the credit for the brilliant idea and plot goes to her, only the writing is mine. thank you to everyone who reads this and is supporting and reading my other fills!

It's Friday evening and Jaebum arrives back at the frat house with a ton of homework feeling like rocks in his bag and the intention to crash right into bed and sleep at least eight hours straight before he attempts any of it. He's been pulling all-nighters for three nights straight to finish an essay he had due today and is dozing off on his feet.

 

He's not in the mood for fun and games. So when he sees the baby lying in a picnic basket swaddled in pastel pink blankets right in the center of the doorstep, blocking his entrance, he loses his last shred of patience.

"Jackson!" he hollers into the house with no regard to disturbing their neighbours. "I swear to god, if this is one of your stupid practical jokes --"

He is reaching out for the basket with one annoyed hand, the other juggling his backpack, and preparing to fling it to the side unceremoniously, when the prankster in question flings open the front door breathlessly and rushes out of the house.

"WAIT!" he shrieks, eyes widening dramatically when he sees the basket in Jaebum's raised hand. "I think that's a real baby!"

"What the..." Now Jaebum is truly confused, and immediately sobered and guilt-stricken. He gently places the basket back on the doorstep, and they both lean forward to peer into it with bated breaths.

"Oh my god," Jaebum breathes, as the baby, who they realise is fast asleep, makes a snuffling noise and suckles contentedly on her pink pacifier. "It's... she's a real baby. Who the hell abandoned her here?" His voice is rising to a slightly hysterical pitch at the bizarre circumstances, pit of his stomach clenching with an ominous premonition.

"Hold on, there's a note," Jackson says authoritatively, remarkably calm. Jaebum is internally freaking out. They have to call the police, or child services, or maybe take her down to the police station personally --

"Hyung... she's your child."

" _WHAT?!_ "

Jaebum grabs Jackson's shoulders in a tight grip, but the way Jackson's face is pale and his voice subdued gives him a sinking feeling that this, again, isn't one of his pranks.

He grabs the note. It reads, in a blood-curdlingly familiar penmanship:

_Jaebum oppa, I'm sorry I never told you but when we broke up last year, I was pregnant. I tried to take care of the child, but I've run into financial trouble and can't support her anymore. Please help me raise her till I graduate from college and can break the news to my parents. She's your daughter too. I'll be back for her in a few years. In the meantime, don't try to contact me. I changed my number. Sincerely asking for your help, Sooyeon_

 

He looks up from his shaking hands to find Jackson staring at him with an accusatory expression on his panicked face.

"You got your ex-girlfriend pregnant?"

" _No!_ " Jaebum wails. "How is this possible? We only did it once, and we used protection!"

"Hyung," Jackson groans, sounding stupefied. "Contraception isn't a hundred per cent. You should have been more careful."

"She's not mine! She can't be!" Jaebum is still insisting, sounding like a guilty criminal in denial. "Jackson-ah, please tell me this is a nightmare," he pleads desperately.

Jackson's face loses all sympathy as he reaches a hand out to pinch Jaebum's cheek, hard. "OW!"

"It's not." He glares at Jaebum and turns back to saunter into the house, throwing over his shoulder, "You have to bring your daughter in, we can't just leave the poor kid there."

But Jaebum hears him muttering under his breath, "God, what a buzzkill. There goes the party we were planning."

Jaebum's eyes widen when he hears they were planning a surprise party no one had informed him about. He feels a sense of irony that this is the silver lining in the cloud, as their frathouse parties are renowned to last all night and had this child not appeared he would most certainly not be able to get any sleep all night.

Then he realises that with the child, he probably won't be able to either and groans in anguish, reaching down to pick the basket up again gingerly but with more gentleness. It's a wonder the baby hasn't woken up with all the racket they were making and he briefly wonders as he closes the door if she's sick.

He reaches down into the blankets tentatively to place his hand against her forehead. Not that he has any experience in this area, but thankfully she doesn't feel hot or feverish. He retracts his hand as if stung and gently sets the basket on the living room floor by the couch. It doesn't escape his notice how long the girl's lashes are, perfectly curled and fanned out against her chubby white cheeks. She looks just like a doll, probably why he mistook her for one.

Even though he still isn't sure if he's the father (he thinks wildly of DNA tests, paternity lawsuits, child support), the one thing he's sure of is that she inherited some good genes from her parent, whoever he is.

When he squints closer, she decidedly bears a resemblance to Sooyeon. None to him more than any other guy on the street, thankfully. She's definitely the mother, that much is clear, but was she really pregnant when they broke up after falling out of love a year ago, or did she get knocked up by some other guy and is trying to hoodwink Jaebum into taking the rap? He decides that he's not going to let anybody think he's some gullible scapegoat they can make use of, and grimly vows to get to the bottom of the matter.

 

In the meantime, though, what are they going to do with her?

He hears footsteps but doesn't look up, distracted and assuming it's Jackson returning.

When another familiar voice rings out above his head instead, he leaps back a foot, landing on his ass on the ground and his neck snaps back so swiftly he almost cracks it.

"Hyung... who's that?"

Jinyoung is looking down at him, face paling in a way that turns the food he ate for lunch to liquid in his stomach. He bends to crouch and get a closer look, reaching out a tentative hand much more gentle than Jaebum's and Jackson's.

"Is this a real baby? Whose is it? Why do you have her?"

Jaebum finds his trembling fingers shoving the crumpled note deep into his pocket, voice wavering with guilt. "Jinyoung-ah, let me explain..."

"That's his daughter," Jackson announces rudely from the stairs, with zero tact and annoying perverseness.

Jaebum glowers at him, restraining the urge to lunge across the room and tackle him down. But the sight of Jinyoung looking up at him, eyes stricken and face paper white, makes him forget everything.

"Is that true? You... got a girl pregnant?"

Said out loud in Jinyoung's shaking voice, the words sound so ridiculous, like a cliche unrealistic movie Jaebum has suddenly found himself in. He gulps at the sight of Jinyoung's eyes, dark with hurt and... is that betrayal Jaebum sees?

His bewilderment mounts as he finds himself feeling, inexplicably, the sensation of guilt. As if he has done something that let Jinyoung down, that betrayed their relationship. This makes no sense at all because Jinyoung is his best friend, has been since a time before memory. They were classmates since middle school and had attended all the same schools since, only meeting the other five boys in college and deciding to form a fraternity together and pool their savings to rent this house.

 

Jaebum coughs, fumbling for purchase of the situation. Jinyoung is looking at him like his heart is breaking, knuckles white on the side of the basket. His eyes are frighteningly bright and fixed on Jaebum as if his next words will make or break his heart.

"I don't know," Jaebum eventually whimpers lamely, abhorring himself. "Sooyeon said I'm the father... but I don't know if she's telling the truth."

Jinyoung rises so swiftly to his feet that Jaebum blinks dazedly, and without a word promptly pivots on his heel and crosses the room with large, jerky strides. He pushes past Jackson blindly, without a word and dashes up the stairs, his speed increasing with every step.

After a few moments, they hear the distant slam of a door.

 

"Uh... that went well," Jackson observes dryly from the stairs, looking smug like he's enjoying the drama. He seems to enjoy sowing discord between Jaebum and Jinyoung for some reason and it annoys Jaebum to no end, especially when Jackson takes the opportunity to slyly ingratiate himself to Jinyoung. He has always felt insecure since they started living together, having the feeling that Jackson was trying to take his place beside Jinyoung, to steal his best friend away.

"Shut up," he growls roughly now, leveling Jackson with a poisonous glare. "This is all your fault."

"What, did I ask you to have premarital sex?" Jackson blinks innocently, looking every bit the angelic choirboy as if he hasn't slept with more girls than Jaebum.

"Oh my god," Jaebum moans, in actual pain. "I swear, if you don't get out of my sight now, I'm going to punch your pretty face in. I don't care even if Mark murders me for it."

For some reason, instead of retorting with a wiseass remark, Jackson seems to be blushing. Jaebum stares at him in stupefaction till he turns on his heel abruptly too and sprints up the stairs without another word, leaving Jaebum alone in the living room as he wanted.

But now he only feels more desolate than ever, having chased everyone away. He is staring blankly at the wall, as if a solution scrawled by the heavens will miraculously appear in invisible ink there, when a piercing cry deafens his eardrums, and his gaze snaps down in alarm to see that the infant has finally woken up and her mouth is stretched wide in a disgruntled wail, her milky cheeks suddenly blotched with two bright red circles.

 

In an instant, Jaebum is in full-on panic mode again. His hands flutter wildly around the basket, clueless about what to do to stop the baby's crying. Does she want milk? Is she in pain? _How_ does he make it stop?

The high-pitched decibel of her incessant wail only seems to build with every second that passes, making his tension mount and a sheen of sweat start gathering on his temples. He shrugs off his backpack and it thumps to the ground behind him unnoticed.

He is looming over the basket, probably scaring the girl and making her cry harder with his unfamiliar and unfriendly-looking face, when the front door opens again and Yugyeom and Youngjae saunter in together, hands in their pockets and chatting with each other.

They look up at the ear-splitting noise, eyebrows drawn together in similarly comical expressions of fear and bewilderment. Maybe they think Jaebum has finally gone over the edge of sanity from all the schoolwork and is slaughtering an animal or something.

"Um... what's going on, Jaebum hyung?" Yugyeom yells over the noise, pressing his fingers to both ears.

"Is that a baby?!" Youngjae shrieks, looking aghast.

 

Jaebum heaves a heavy sigh and bursts into tears.

 

After Yugyeom and Youngjae have kindly calmed him down and settled him on the couch, a distance from the baby who is still crying but seems to have tired herself out, her screams going down in volume, and brought him a glass of water, Jaebum takes deep breaths and tries to get his heart rate back to normal.

It must be a panic attack, Youngjae tells him knowingly (He's taking a psychology elective this term). Jaebum hasn't had one before, but Youngjae tells him it's normal for people to get them when they've just gone through shocking or traumatic events.

Mercifully, Jackson had descended the stairs again at that crucial moment when he was having his meltdown and shouted in concern what the problem was. He had grudgingly taken over the watching over of the baby as Yugyeom and Youngjae helped Jaebum who could barely stand on his wobbling knees to stagger to the couch weakly.

Youngjae must be right, he thinks, sipping the proffered glass of water blankly on autopilot. It's probably some kind of delayed shock from the news that had hit him like a truck when he found the baby on the doorstep. It still hasn't sunk in yet, that he might -- possibly -- have a child. He might be a father. He's twenty-two, for fuck's sake. This can't be happening. What's going to become of his whole life ahead of him, his future? What will he tell his parents? How is he going to take responsibility for this child, if she's really his? His whole life could possibly change because of this bombshell suddenly dropped on him on this unremarkable Friday.

He had always been a planner, organizing his life down to the most minor detail, but this curveball in the road is something he could never have calculated for. The implications of this hit Jaebum like a bucket of ice water emptied over his head.

His life is over.

 

There is the beeping of their front door passcode being keyed in, and everyone swivels their heads to the door as it creaks open to reveal Mark. He raises his eyebrows from the threshold, looking baffled why everyone is staring saucer-eyed at him from various spots of the living room.

"What's up?" he asks, closing the door behind him and shrugging off his bag. His eyes move to Jackson, brightening with a playful grin.

"Hey, Gaga. You ready for that party?"

Jackson's face turns the shade of ripe tomatoes.

Jaebum puts his head into his hands and muffles a hysterical sob.

 

"Do you guys realise what this means?!" Jackson exclaims with his trademark melodrama later as they (minus two; Jinyoung is still locked in his bedroom and Bambam isn't back yet) gather to have an impromptu emergency frat meeting around the couch. A distance away, the baby has fallen asleep again, drained out by her crying jag and still in the basket because no one knows what to do with her.

"Shhh," Youngjae hisses, already looking like a frazzled housewife mother as he darts a glance to the basket. Understandably, since he has just finally managed to calm the baby down and sing her to sleep after trying all the lullabies in his lexicon, Korean _and_ English. Jaebum is still pretending that none of this is related to him, spacing out at the end of the couch as if he could just disappear into thin air this way.

Jackson shoots him an impatient glance back, but looks appropriately chastised. They need the girl to stay asleep so they can have the conversation they need to have about whether to call the police or child services. Or... (Jaebum gulps, refusing to even entertain this horrifying possibility), as Sooyeon said in her note, to _keep her_.

"It means," Jackson continues, answering his own question, "No more parties."

"Duh." Yugyeom rolls his eyes. "Are you guys still seriously thinking about tonight's party when we have way more serious problems?"

"I didn't say no _party_ ," Jackson shoots back darkly. "I said no _parties_ , plural. As in from now on."

They all take a second as the truth of his statement sets in. Jackson actually has a point here -- because their weekly frat parties, usually held on weekends, are kind of famous (or should he say notorious) at the college. They're wildly popular for being lots of fun and tons of people come with free booze and no intent to leave before they're wasted. Their parties are a group tradition for the seven of them to host together, their pride. This could actually be a dealbreaker for their friendship.

"So," Jackson deadpans, when no one speaks, only collectively turning as one body to glare to Jaebum with reproach and resentment in their eyes, "Who votes we kick Jaebum hyung out of our frat and this house with his daughter?"

"WHAT?!" This finally makes Jaebum utter his first squeak in the past thirty minutes.

"He's kidding," Mark reassures him tiredly. If anyone else had said that Jackson would retaliate insisting he wasn't right away but because it's Mark, he just settles down and falls silent. Jaebum is thankful for the brief reprieve, his heart actually pounding at the possibility that he could lose this frat, his place in this house -- his friends -- because of this.

Jinyoung.

 

"Guys, please." His voice breaks embarrassingly, making all of them look at him with softening looks on their pitying faces. "I need your help."

"What do you want us to do, hyung?" Youngjae's voice is softened, but his eyes are helpless. "We're students. We're kids. We can't take care of a baby, much less a _girl_."

Jaebum hates to admit it... but he has a point.

"We have no choice," Mark pipes up quietly. "She's Jaebum's daughter."

"It's not confirmed yet --" Jaebum interjects, but no one seems to hear him.

The hubbub of their combined voices overlapping in differing and argumentative opinions drowns him out. Tuning out their heated debate in despair, Jaebum finds his eyes wandering towards the basket inadvertently, which is now silent again. It seems inconceivable that such a tiny baby could create a noise which had seemed to shake the walls of their house and rattle the windows.

Without knowing what he's doing, he's gotten to his feet and his steps are leading him towards the basket. As if drawn by an invisible gravitational force, he leans down to take a closer look at the sweetly sound asleep child. He doesn't even notice the conversation falling silent as they all look up to watch him in concern, worried that he's having another meltdown. But no -- he's just remembered a crucial, decisive bit of information.

"Dabin." The name slips out of his mouth automatically, the memory now floating to the surface of his mind from the depths, clear as yesterday. The night they had lain in bed together after making love for the first time, and like childish and idealistic young lovers, Sooyeon and him had discussed the future, what they wanted in a partner and family. How many kids they wanted to have; and the names they would give them.

"If we have a child together when we grow up, how do you like the name Dabin for a girl?"

Sooyeon had sounded so serious that Jaebum burst into a bark of startled laughter, and shifted away from her slightly and nervously. It was true they had just lost their virginity to each other, and at that time he had been sure he loved her, but he had never thought of marrying her in future. They were still young, and he had always planned to date a few people before only getting married at thirty after he established his career.

True enough, their relationship hadn't lasted long after that. (He didn't dump her after getting laid, even though they were both cooling off each other -- he was the dumpee.)

Needless to say, he never saw this coming.

 

Now, in the present, Jaebum's heart stops to see the sleeping girl's eyes flutter open slowly, her dazed and incomprehending eyes registering a glint of unmistakable recognition at the name on his lips. For the first time, she stares right at him, into his eyes without crying or blinking. Their gazes lock and the baby reaches out a guileless, chubby and tiny fist towards his face, a giggle escaping her tiny rosebud mouth. Jaebum's chest seizes.

It can't be. It's highly likely Sooyeon would have named her daughter that, even if he wasn't the father. This doesn't mean anything.

But... as he turns back to four pairs of wide, owlish eyes, Jaebum feels his heart sinking with cold dread.

"Hyung," Yugyeom says solemnly. "I think... that may really be your daughter."

 

They break the news to Bambam over dinner, and he takes it with remarkable stoicness.

"Are we adopting her then?" he asks casually, not even bothering to stop chewing or look up from his plate of food.

" _It's not that simple!_ " Jaebum emits a shrill strangled cry.

Yugyeom looks up at him evenly. He has some kind of weird bromance going on with Youngjae, but he's also a staunch and loyal diehard best friend to Bambam.

"Hyung, we're trying not to make a big fuss here because it won't help matters. Can you not."

His flat voice makes Jaebum look down at the table in shame.

"Yeah." Bambam finally finishes his mountain of food, burps and puts his fork down. "It's not really that big a deal, hyung. I can help out if you want; I used to take care of my little sister back in Thailand."

"Seriously?!" Jaebum's head snaps up. His words are incoherent over the lump in his throat. "Bam-ah, I knew you were hyung's favourite dongsaeng for a reason!"

Bambam looks pleased, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as four other eyes eye him with competitive envy.

"Aww, shucks. You're gonna be a great dad, hyung. Don't worry."

For the first time that day since he found the basket on the doorstep, Jaebum finds himself tearing up for a different reason.

 

They had carried the basket up the stairs since Dabin was still fast asleep and they wanted to have their dinner in peace, hoping she would stay in slumber at least till the next morning when they would hopefully have some plan as to what to do. They realised belatedly that she was probably hungry and needed to be fed but obviously they had no formula milk in the house and it was so late that all the shops were closed. Thankfully, she was out like a light for the moment and not crying to be fed yet.

Jaebum had found the responsibility of lifting the child in her tight swaddle of blankets out of the makeshift cradle. She was really so tiny, preciously so, like those little teacup dogs that could fit into cups. He hadn't realised that babies were this small, this fragile. He had never touched or carried a baby before.

In his hands, she was heavier than he expected, and warmer. Her heft felt solid, substantial in a way that finally made this feel real in a manner it hadn't till before this minute.

This was an actual, real baby. A human being. A life, that maybe, he had created.

 

It was unbelievable.

 

He had, with bumbling gentleness, placed her against the pillows of Jackson's bed after Jackson had stripped the mattress and changed the sheets to fresh ones. Surprisingly he had been the first to volunteer to sleep in Mark's room when Jaebum asked hesitantly if anyone would be willing to give up their room, fully expecting that all would decline and he would have to share his own bed with the girl, or give it to her and sleep on the floor.

Before this, he sometimes slept in Jinyoung's bed, when they were too drunk to move or when he couldn't sleep, but he had a feeling Jinyoung wouldn't be permitting that for a while now.

He still hadn't found out how Jinyoung would react to the news because his door was still firmly shut, a weight on Jaebum's heart that never fully lightened no matter how distracted he was by the others and the general commotion.

 

But later, after dinner when all of them had finally scattered, looking a year older and more haggard than they had the previous day and drained out from the going-ons Jaebum had caused, bummed by their cancelled party (Jackson had sent a mass email out announcing that they had to regretfully cancel it because Jaebum had found his long-lost baby daughter, but Jaebum was hoping most of their friends would laugh it off as a joke), dispersing to their respective rooms to retire so they could get up early the next day to continue their discussion of how to take care of her.

They had all reminded Jaebum slightly snarkily, at various times, of the necessary tasks he would have to do if he wanted to keep her and they were going to rear her in this house, at least for the time being. Bambam had wisely suggested calling his parents to request them to take her in, but Jaebum honestly didn't have the courage to make that move just yet. He had had enough drama for the day.

And besides, some part of him was still holding out hope that the child didn't belong to him. If so, it would only cause more unnecessary confusion and angst to let his parents know about it. They would insist he go for a DNA test, and try and contact Sooyeon and her parents and maybe even talk about marriage arrangements. Jaebum shuddered.

There's one thing he's clear of -- even if the child's legitimate parents are him and Sooyeon, he will never marry her. It was over between them long ago, a fleeting teenage puppy crush only built on lust. Having a child out of wedlock is already a big enough blow to his life. He has no intention of being trapped in a loveless marriage too.

 

He wonders if Jinyoung is thinking about that too, that Jaebum might be marrying somebody else. That Jaebum may be getting married at twenty-two. He nearly laughs out loud because the thought is so ludicrous. Accepting that he might be a father is one thing, but starting a family is another.

 

But later, before he heads to his own bedroom to get his much-needed rest -- he now has a godawful migraine drilling into his skull and wants nothing more than to forget everything even for just a few hours of blissful unconsciousness -- he stops by Jackson's room to check on the girl.

He gently turns the doorknob and pushes the door open, not wanting to wake her up.

To say he is stunned to find Jinyoung in the room is an understatement. But there Jinyoung is, in the flesh, looking like another installment of this bizarre and never-ending dream, leaning over the bed to tuck a blanket he has taken from the closet over the girl's shoulders. Eyes moving to the window, Jaebum notices he has closed it against the draft too.

 

Jinyoung jumps at the sudden slice of light from the outside that slants into the room, and Jaebum's soft footsteps. He spins around, face looking guilty and embarrassed in the dim light, tips of his adorably stick-outy ears reddening in the way Jaebum knows happens when he's in awkward or uncomfortable situations. Jaebum feels his tired heart clench and soar with hope.

"Jinyoung -- " he starts, taking a step towards his best friend of nearly ten years.

But Jinyoung neatly sidesteps him, averting his gaze and not meeting Jaebum's eyes. His shoulders are stiff, stance unforgiving.

But his words are surprisingly, silencingly kind. "You have to buy a cot tomorrow. It's dangerous for her to sleep on such a high bed if she falls off."

 

He moves past Jaebum without brushing his shoulders, leaving Jaebum trembling and dumbstruck in the empty and silent room with his maybe-daughter.

 

The next day, Jaebum's chest twinges with an conflicting sensation of relief when he enters the kitchen to see all of them present for the first time, including Jinyoung. He's standing at the stove, expertly flipping sunny-side-up eggs in the saucepan.

If it wasn't for the fact that they're not hungover and all grim-faced, he could almost fool himself into thinking that this is just another normal Saturday morning, when they've all lazily slept in from staying up late for the previous night's party and the house is a mess and everyone looks like death warmed over except Jinyoung, who always looks immaculately well-groomed with nary a hair out of place.

But even though there are no piercing cries to remind him (Thank god for the amount babies sleep), the reality is like nails being driven into Jaebum's mind, never allowing him to forget it for even a second. It's difficult to adjust to the fact that there is a baby in this house. _His_ baby.

 

Jaebum grimly thanks the Lord for small mercies as Jinyoung dishes out an egg onto his empty plate, not skipping him as he serves everybody breakfast. But his heart plummets again as he realises after a few minutes that Jinyoung may not be ignoring him, but he's not speaking to Jaebum either.

This is cast into higher relief by the fact that it's a stark contrast from usual Saturdays, when Jinyoung would be hanging off his shoulder from the seat beside his, scooting his chair closer and buzzing incessantly like a gnat bubbling over with things he wants to tell Jaebum until Jaebum will chide him with tender exasperation to let him eat in peace.

He hadn't realised Jinyoung could be this cold, this obviously pissed at him. It makes him feel even worse than that second when he read the devastating, life-changing words on that note yesterday.

But he takes solace in his memory of last night, which he isn't entirely sure wasn't a dream.

Still, he bravely pipes up, sneaking a subtle glance at Jinyoung's turned-away profile:

"We should go and buy formula and a cot today. And clothes and... other stuff babies need."

He turns helplessly to Bambam, as he has pretty much zero idea what other equipment babies might need. They should probably go to a baby store and get one of everything. The last thing he would want is to involuntarily and accidentally do anything to jeopardize Dabin.

However... there's the problem of money. Jaebum groans. Is he going to have to get a part-time job to raise this baby? He shouldn't have so ambitiously signed up for those extra-credit classes this semester.

Unfortunately, Bambam looks about as knowledgeable on the subject as him.

Mark drains the last of his orange juice and fishes his keys from his jeans pocket, tossing them in the air. For the first time since he has known Mark, Jaebum feels thankful for the ostentatious rich-kid sports car his parents bought him all the way from California for his last birthday.

Knowing him, he will offer to supplement any costs Jaebum can't afford too. He doesn't say it verbally, but the small reassuring smile on his face quietly tells Jaebum not to worry about the money. They're the same age but Mark has always been aware of the few months between them, going out of his way to take care of Jaebum just as much as the other dongsaengs.

He notices Jackson gazing moonily at Mark, his plate of cooling eggs and toast forgotten as Mark seems oblivious of his thirsty gaze. Jaebum would make a dig at Jackson just to embarrass him in front of everyone, if he didn't have more important matters on his plate today.

 

And then:

"Let him eat his breakfast first," Jinyoung interjects quietly. "There's no hurry."

"But I'm going out with Youngjae after this --" Yugyeom whines.

Jinyoung softly but firmly cuts in.

"He hasn't eaten a bite since yesterday afternoon."

Jaebum swallows hard, unable to believe his ears. Has Jinyoung...?

When he meets Jinyoung's eyes with consternation, face heating up awkwardly for some reason, he is completely floored by the concern in them. There is no more hint of the anger that made them blaze with fire yesterday.

"Eat something," Jinyoung says softly, addressing him for the first time since this nightmare started. "You need energy to take care of her."

 

Jaebum immediately buries his face in his plate, shoveling his eggs into his mouth without tasting them. Not only because of hastening to obey Jinyoung, but also to hide the deeply moved tears that are suddenly prickling the backs of his eyes and blurring his vision, falling into his eggs and salting them.


	2. Chapter 2

Even though he tries to hide his face from the others, a piece of tissue discreetly appears above his lap, extended by a hand he knows almost as well as his own. Sure enough, Jinyoung knows him better than anyone.

Jaebum takes the tissue gratefully and dabs at his puffy eyes, drying them clumsily. He pretends to be using it to wipe his mouth but the others turn away tactfully, clearing their throats awkwardly because they're not used to seeing Jaebum showing weakness in front of them. He's always been the unofficial leader of their frat, the alpha of their pack who everybody deferred and looked up to.

Mark drifts away, mumbling something about going to check whether Dabin has woken up and for Jaebum to take his time. Jackson trots after him like a puppy on a leash, looking like he would be panting and wagging his tail if he had one.

Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bambam also find excuses to leave when Jaebum finally looks up from his plate of finished food and blows his nose loudly. Only Jinyoung stays, because he's the only one of the six who's seen Jaebum break down before, and more than once. Jaebum can count the number of times he's cried in his life on the fingers of one hand, and all of them were in front of Jinyoung.

Still, the awkwardness between them lingers. As Jinyoung clears the dirty plates and stacks them up to place in the dishwasher, Jaebum notices on a closer study that he isn't as put-together as he had looked at first glance. His eyes are puffy like Jaebum's, and slightly bloodshot even though they hadn't drunk a drop last night, as though he didn't manage to get a good night's rest either.

Jaebum gets up awkwardly from his chair, the legs scraping across the floor, and walks over to the sink to help Jinyoung dry the washed plates. Jinyoung gives him a grateful smile, even though he still seems subdued and not in the mood for their usual chitchat.

But for Jaebum, it's enough.

 

Just as they're finishing up the dishwashing, Jackson re-enters the kitchen cradling Dabin in his arms and loudly complaining that the baby smells like she soiled her pants.

"She probably did," Bambam replies with authority, joining them. "Even if she has a diaper on, she hasn't been changed since yesterday."

Jaebum meets Jinyoung's eyes in alarm. He hadn't even thought of diapers, one of the basic necessities. How could he have been so dumb?

"There's no choice," Jinyoung chimes in, taking charge. "We can only go and buy them now from the baby store. Where's Mark hyung?" He puts down the kitchen towel he had been drying his hands on.

Jackson smiles over Dabin's head. "Already outside waiting in the car."

 

They take turns holding Dabin in the car, rocking her gently and comfortingly when she cries fretfully, probably sleepy and uncomfortable with the day-old diaper. But they couldn't leave her alone at home and no one wanted to stay and take care of her, all of them wanting to be part of the process of selecting her wardrobe and furniture.

They drive to the closest baby store at the strip mall fifteen minutes away, a place that Jaebum had often walked past when he was on his way clothes shopping or to the cinema or _noraebang_ , not knowing that he would be walking through its doors one day.

The other parents and couples patronizing the store look curious when they walk in, probably wondering what a group of college-age boys would be doing in such a place. But their faces immediately soften when they see Dabin in Jaebum's arms, instantly charmed by her overflowing cuteness.

The array of items in the store is dazzling. He had never known a small baby could need so many different and complicated equipment. While the three youngest immediately volunteer to take on the most fun task of selecting adorable and pretty baby clothes, Jaebum and Jinyoung make a beeline for the selection of cots.

After serious discussion and a debate about the pros and cons, they eventually decide on buying a crib instead, since Dabin is still small enough to fit into it and it would take up less space in their already overpeopled house. With his trademark flawless taste, Jinyoung picks out a mahogany rocking crib constructed out of shiny, polished wood. It's not cheap, but they spot a sign that apparently promises twenty per cent off the total cost if they purchase more than two hundred dollars worth of items.

When they have informed the salesgirl, who looks amused at seven strapping and masculine young men entering her store looking determined and enthusiastic, of their choice, they move on to looking at clip-on mobiles to dangle over the crib so that Dabin can play with it when she gets bored. This time, Jinyoung looks approving as Jaebum selects an airplane and clouds one. He worries it's not girly enough, but can't resist the overgrown little boy in him.

Mark and Jackson wander back to them to let them know they have selected a baby monitor. Jaebum didn't even know of the function of baby monitors until the salesgirl kindly explains it to them.

 

Jaebum is thankful all of them came after they finally make their payment for all their purchases at the cashier after an hour, because they're going to need as much muscle as they can get to transport all this bulky equipment home. Although they were careful only to pick out the bare necessities, it still seems like they ended up buying out the whole store. In addition to the other furniture, they had also decided to buy a baby chair for her to eat at the kitchen table as well as a car seat, in case they needed to take her to places such as the clinic as Mark wisely reminded them. The total bill comes up to a whopping five hundred dollars, which means they are entitled to a forty per cent discount, but it still is a pricey sum. But Mark doesn't even bat an eyelash as Jaebum clumsily fumbles for his wallet, whipping out his credit card and handing it coolly to the salesgirl. She swoons a little visibly, an effect the rest of them have gotten used to Mark eliciting from girls, even when he isn't flashing his AmEx. Breathlessly, she asks if he's the father of the baby, obviously coyly fishing for information on his marital status.

But Mark doesn't even have time to reply before Jackson has elbowed him away, and is laying his smooth-talking charm thick on the girl, pulling out all the stops to redirect her attention to him. The poor girl looks flattered but slightly stunned, as if she doesn't know what hit her.

After Mark finally manages to interrupt their flirtatious conversation by plopping Dabin in Jackson's arms and dragging him away impatiently, they heave all the purchases into the parking lot and load whatever they can into the car. But since it's no family SUV, there's limited space and the other five have to take cabs home with the rest of the furniture because there's only room in the car left for Jackson who insists he has to go with Mark because he's carrying Dabin.

It's not even noon yet and they all look exhausted. But Jaebum is grateful that no one complains as they patiently hail two cabs and make the trip back to the frat house separately. His and Jinyoung's taxi arrives first and Jinyoung starts rolling up his sleeves and bending to heave the furniture from the trunk but Jaebum quickly pushes him away gently and tells him to go ahead with the bags and hold the front door open. Even though Jinyoung is every bit as masculine as him, Jaebum has never liked to see him doing heavy lifting, worried he'll hurt himself.

 

They've just gotten the last of the furniture onto the front porch when the three maknaes' taxi pulls up. Yugyeom reassures Jaebum that they've got this and tells them to go on in and leave the unloading to them. Jaebum thanks them and disappears into the house, surprised to find himself feeling slightly anxious at being separated from Dabin for the first time since yesterday for merely less than thirty minutes, but already wondering how she is and whether she is safe.

He finds Mark and Jackson in the kitchen, puzzling over the instructions on the back of the can of formula. Jackson is gingerly sterilizing the bottles and equipment with boiling water from the kettle. Jaebum is relieved to see Dabin safely ensconced in her high chair by the kitchen table, watching them with wide and inquisitive eyes, looking hungry. But he tries not to look too excited as he tentatively approaches her, not wanting to scare her to tears.

"Don't we need to change her diaper first?" Jinyoung reminds them, wrinkling his nose.

Mark and Jackson look sheepish. "We didn't know how to." Mark glances up, distracted, from where he has finally managed to tip some milk powder into the narrow mouth of the milk bottle, though spilling a sizeable amount on the table around it in the process.

"Yeah, and it's awkward because she's a girl," Jackson adds.

"Don't make this weird." Mark swats him. "She's an infant."

"You change it then," Jackson retorts, but Mark raises his hands and moves his gaze to Jaebum.

"You should do it since you're her father. Don't you want to be the first to change her?"

 

Actually, he kind of does, Jaebum realises as he awkwardly juggles Dabin in one arm and carries the jumbo pack of Rilakkuma diapers Jinyoung selected in one hand up to Jackson's bedroom. It's the kind of experience he has a feeling he shouldn't miss as a father.

He gently lays Dabin down on the bed, handling her as if she's glass. Her body is surprisingly warm despite her miniature size, radiating an unmistakably human warmth and temperature. It makes his chest feel tight and uncomfortable yet calm at the same time. Maybe it's because Dabin has finally seemed to get used to him and his embrace, no longer bursting into tears when he lifts her into his arms. Would it be flattering himself to think that she already recognizes him as her father after just one day?

He finds himself murmuring nonsensical but soothing words as he clumsily undoes the diaper she is wearing and wraps a new one around her bottom, crooning: "Just a minute more and it'll be done," and "That's a good girl." He's anxious, but relieved and grateful that Dabin seems cooperative and doesn't make it difficult for him despite his ignorant clumsiness and mistakes.

Dabin seems a little more comfortable when her clean diaper is secured and smells a lot better. Jaebum gingerly holds the soiled one in his outstretched hand and looks for a place to dump it, finally stuffing it deep into the bathroom wastebasket after rolling it up in two layers of plastic bags.

 

He stops in his tracks halfway down the stairs at the unexpected sight of his six frat-mates gathered in the living room, all immersed in the task of assembling Dabin's crib and baby monitor. One of the early education CDs they had bought is playing on the stereo system, a cheerful Thomas the Tank Engine song, and the sight is so amusing yet ridiculously moving that Jaebum finds himself trying not to sniffle again. Even Yugyeom and Youngjae have forgotten their date, seeming happy to sacrifice it to snip the price tags off all the colourful clothes they selected and fold them up into neat piles to stow in the closet.

When Jackson passes him the finally-ready bottle of warm milk which Jaebum tentatively sniffs before offering to Dabin, he tells Jackson he can have his room back. He nudges the teat of the tiny pink bottle against Dabin's bow-shaped, cherry lips and she instinctively parts them, latching enthusiastically on and starting to suck thirstily.

Even occupied with cooing over Dabin's healthy appetite, Jaebum doesn't miss the disappointment on Jackson's face.

"Are you sure?" he asks after a pause. "She can take my room, actually. I don't mind sharing with Mark hyung."

"Yeah, I'm going to install her crib in my room so I can keep an eye on her at night," Jaebum says decisively.

"Don't you prefer sleeping alone though?" Mark remarks offhandedly to Jackson, not looking up from where he's trying to hammer a nail into the bars of the crib.

"Do you?" Jackson shoots back, and they all look up at the terseness of his voice.

There is a loaded silence in which everyone else exchange glances with each other before Youngjae breaks it awkwardly. "Uh... do you guys need a moment?"

"No," snaps Jackson, not taking his eyes off Mark who looks too stunned and confused to reply. When there's still no answer after a moment, Jackson swivels away to stalk up the stairs to bang into his bedroom.

 

Starting from that day, everything seems to be new, everything happening for the first time. Jaebum had no idea there were so many things he didn't know, so many things he had to learn to take care of a baby. He feels out of his depth in a way that is unfamiliar to him because he has always prided himself on being efficient and in control of every aspect of his life.

After a continuation of the previous day's meeting over lunch, they decide that there's no other choice than to keep the girl here for the time being. But they also agree that it doesn't seem possible this arrangement can last longer than temporary, and Jaebum promises them fervently that he will try his best by all means possible to find a way to contact Sooyeon and tell her he can't help and to take the child back, so they can all be restored to their normal lives as soon as possible.

When he breaks down and apologises to them repeatedly for this unexpected and troublesome disruption to all their lives, Jackson is the one who pats his shoulder kindly and says, "It's not your fault, hyung."

"Yeah," Youngjae agrees with compassion. "Even if she's not your daughter, Dabin doesn't have anyone else right now. We have to take care of her until you find her mother."

Putting their heads together, they work out a schedule to ensure that at least one of them will be in the house at any one time of the day. Luckily, their classes are all at varying times and there is always someone free to be present in the house at all hours.

"You guys have to make sure to be here on time when it's your shift," Jaebum nags, after he has drawn out the timetable painstakingly. He knows he's being demanding and they have no obligation to help him out during their free time, but he can't help being worried about accidents happening to the susceptible and helpless baby. He has read so many horror stories and tragedies in the news of babies being badly hurt because of careless accidents or one thoughtless minute of neglect. Even though they're just a group of clueless and bumbling college boys, Jaebum is determined to do the best he can to come through for Dabin as a (part-time, at least) father.

It's only been a day, but he can already feel his life altering, feel himself changing swiftly to adapt to the needs of the baby. They all are. He knows it will be a challenge to juggle raising an infant and attending university, but Jaebum's never backed down from one. He has always firmly believed that the most important quality a real man should have is responsibility.

Curiously, they debate over how old Dabin might be, in the end settling on an average estimate of around a few months. None of them have experience in judging the ages of babies, but they can tell that she's extremely young.

 

A few days later, during a rare free moment, Jaebum finds himself recollecting this conversation again, realising that it has subconsciously bothered him since then. They have spent the last few days working out the kinks in the schedule, all of them rushing breathlessly to report for their shifts in the duties of watching over Dabin, but never once late.

It's barely been less than a week, but Jaebum feels like he's been running a marathon for a year and it's the first chance he's had to stop and catch his breath. He's nursing a beer, something he had thoughtlessly drunk every other day before but that now feels like an indulgence, because he always needs to stay alert in case anything happens to Dabin. But now, three of the other boys are home at the same time so he feels reassured that he can take a break.

Even so, he can't seem to relax completely, finding himself assailed by the what-ifs and maybes as he sits alone on one of the deck chairs in the veranda listening to the crickets and enjoying the solitude of the night.

It seems like since he became responsible for Dabin, there's an interminable litany of worries that preoccupies him and keeps him awake at night, listening for her even breathing with his ears pricked up. Everything is a danger, everything is a risk. When it's too cold he worries that she will freeze and when it's too hot he worries she'll overheat.

Now, another worry attacks him -- does she understand what has happened to her, and is she old enough to comprehend that her mother abandoned her with a group of strange men? Will she suffer from aftereffects or trauma in future? In the short time he's known her, she seems remarkably well-adjusted and adaptable to the new environment, a bright and sunny child. But there's no telling what will happen in the future, if they are doing the right things or heading in a completely wrong direction. They have no guidelines, no precedent, fumbling through this brand-new experience together.

 

He's so absorbed in his thoughts that he doesn't notice another person slipping onto the veranda and jumps, startled when Jinyoung settles onto the other deck chair with a creak.

Jinyoung sighs with the same tired relief he feels but offers him a lopsided smile. The familiarity of his profile and features in the dim light filtering out from the living room makes Jaebum feel a little more settled.

He offers Jinyoung his half-drunk beer, and Jinyoung takes it easily without hesitation, tilting his head back to take a gulp. Jaebum absently watches the bob of his Adam's apple in the stately column of his throat, ivory in the moonlight.

Jinyoung seems self-conscious under his gaze, passing the bottle back to him after another sip. But he watches with inscrutable eyes as Jaebum lifts the rim to his lips and drains the remaining dregs.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks, a mindless question they have exchanged more times than Jaebum can count, but this time he knows it has a meaning it never had before.

Previously, his answers would have been predictable -- school, girls, his grades, his future. Now, Jaebum feels the irony as a twinge in his chest as he replies honestly: "I don't even know when her birthday is."

Jinyoung looks pensive. He's always seemed to have all the answers, considering Jaebum's dilemmas thoughtfully before offering up logical and sensible solutions. But this time, he's stumped too.

"You'll find out eventually, and it's not that important," is all he can say reassuringly.

"I guess," Jaebum replies doubtfully, more to put Jinyoung's mind at ease, but he can't resist adding a moment later: "I don't even know if my name is on her birth certificate." He is surprised to hear how bereft, wistful and sore he sounds.

"... If she's mine, that is," he hastens to add a moment later, realising how presumptous he sounds, but Jinyoung is looking at him with soft knowing eyes. Jaebum always finds it unnerving when Jinyoung looks at him like he can read his thoughts.

"If she's yours, it will be, eventually," Jinyoung tells him wisely, and Jaebum feels the usual calm only Jinyoung can restore in him stealing over him like the warmth of the alcohol glow.

 

Unexpectedly, Jinyoung reaches out to cover his hand lying on the armrest between them.

"Remember, you're not alone," he says gently. "You have all of us. We'll get through this together, no matter what."

Jinyoung _always_ knows the right things to say. Overwhelmed by a surge of gratitude, Jaebum locks their fingers together warmly and answers, "Thanks, Jirongie. You're such a good friend." The pet name he hasn't addressed Jinyoung with since middle school slips out unconsciously, and a moment of raw surprise strips Jinyoung's eyes, before he recovers.

He winces, and leaves his hand limply in Jaebum's for a moment before slipping it out subtly as if he's uncomfortable.

"That's what friends are for, right?" Jinyoung's voice is light and he smiles brightly, but for some reason it looks stiff to Jaebum. He frowns, wondering if he said something wrong.

 

Jaebum lets Jinyoung, Mark, Yugyeom and Bambam shoo and bundle him off to bed that night, weaving slightly on his feet with a comfortable and warm buzz from the beer. He feels a wave of crushing gratitude for his friends sweep over him like a tsunami. He had been too undemonstrative to express his true feelings verbally and emotionally, but he is all too painfully aware that he would never have gotten through the past few days without them. They didn't have to help him, to inconvenience their lives because of a mess he had caused. But they had done so without hesitation or a word of complaint, because they were loyal and faithful buddies.

For the first time, he found himself thinking of Sooyeon again, hoping for the sake of old feelings that she was fine and well despite her financial straits. He had developed a newfound respect for her after the past week, realising with clarity how tough being a single mother must have been, going through the excruciating, painful and terrifying process of pregnancy, childbirth and labour alone, as a young girl not being able to confide in her parents and family or even him. How much she must have suffered silently, to bring his child into this world and bring her up so healthily even to this tender age. Even though he no longer feels affection for her, he feels a deep gratitude and appreciation towards his ex-girlfriend.

 

The late nights and frantically busy and hectic days are taking their toll on all of them, especially him. He wakes up periodically during the night to check on Dabin, his slumber unconsciously becoming shallow the way it is when one has a young child in their charge whom they have to always be alert of. He starts falling asleep in some of his lectures, noticing his professors eyeing him with surprise and disappointment because Jaebum is known to be one of the most excellent students and teachers' pets.

But he can't very well let the school know of his situation. They had all agreed it would be best to keep a low profile because even though it's perfectly legal for Dabin to be staying in their frat house, especially since Jaebum is supposedly her biological father and a legal adult, they don't want it to come to the attention of their school and perhaps lead to child services being called in.

Another reason that Jaebum always dashes breathlessly late into class in a way that makes his professors frown disapprovingly at him is that on some mornings, he just finds himself caught by the sight of Dabin peacefully lying in her crib, looking like she's dreaming the sweetest dream. It's a vision so incredibly lovely that it seems to render him suspended in time, everything stopping as he can only stand rooted to the spot admiring Dabin's cherubic, angelic face, her unblemished and absurdly creamy skin and the exquisite shell of her ear. Everything about her seems so fresh and perfectly-formed, as if carved by the hands of God himself.

With no exceptions, she's the most pristine and pure being Jaebum has ever laid his eyes on. He's heard that every parent is biased towards their own child, but he can't help falling into the stereotype, gushing unabashedly to himself about what a bundle of joy, how obedient and well-behaved Dabin is. She's so completely innocent and defenseless that it makes Jaebum long to protect and shelter her from the world, shield her from all dangers. He can't take his eyes off her for a single minute, fretting that she will hurt herself by careless accident; that her pacifier will fall from her mouth and she will start sucking her thumb again in that way he's terrified will ruin the perfect shape of her rosebud mouth.

 

With no one else to witness him, he will guiltily and embarrassedly steal a fleeting kiss on her forehead, brushing dry lips over her smooth skin and feeling its temperature transmitting to him. It feels so intimate to touch her like that, as if they are forming a connection and his heart skips a thrilled beat when she seems to like it too, opening her eyes and smiling so sweetly and trustingly up at him.

Unconsciously, Jaebum is startled to realise that the guileless and beguiling girl has found a place in his heart; found himself effortlessly making room for her among all the other people he loves when he never knew there was room for one more.

 

"Don't put that in your mouth!" Jaebum cries shrilly, skidding into the kitchen with his hair uncombed and in a flustered sweat. He doesn't even bother how he looks with his shirt inside out and half-buttoned, jeans unironed and creased, his whole mind occupied with snatching the unidentified object in Dabin's chubby fist away.

"Is this plasticine?!" he turns on Jinyoung, who has tacked a yellow bib around Dabin's neck and is feeding her baby food from a minature jar. Even frazzled and bangs matted with perspiration to his forehead, he still looks impossibly perfect, making Jaebum feel twice as frumpy.

"Relax, hyung," he laughs, mellow and amused chortle instantly setting Jaebum at ease. "She needs to find some things out herself, explore and fall down sometimes. How else is she going to grow and learn from her mistakes?"

Jaebum pauses. He hates to think of Dabin falling down and being hurt, but the baby books that he loaned from the university library said pretty much the same thing. Has Jinyoung been reading them too, or is he just naturally better at parenting than Jaebum, the way he is in everything else?

"I sneaked into your room and peeked at your books," Jinyoung answers his unasked question, a mischievous glint in his eye. He always takes delight and glee in reading Jaebum's mind just by looking at his face. It unsettles Jaebum uncomfortably and he knows that's exactly why Jinyoung does it. There's no hobby he took more pleasure in since middle school than teasing Jaebum.

Jaebum sighs with tender exasperation but doesn't calculate with Jinyoung. "Should've known," he grumbles affectionately, reaching out to fix Jinyoung's bangs for him.

Jinyoung rewards him with a pleased smile. He offers Jaebum the next bite of baby food, which looks brown and mushy and... generally unappetizing.

"Want to try some? It's not bad," he urges.

"Ew, no," Jaebum replies immediately, sounding like Bambam.

"Chicken?" Jinyoung goads sweetly, and he takes the bait and opens his mouth wide. Jinyoung promptly flies the spoonful in like an airplane, looking triumphant.

It actually doesn't taste bad, though he wouldn't voluntarily take another bite. Jinyoung shakes with mirth at something as he chews, reaching out to wipe his lip with a hand. "Why do I suddenly feel like the mother of two children?" He slips his thumb absently into his mouth and sucks off the bit of food with a wet noise, and Jaebum suddenly feels uncomfortable.

He laughs breezily, though, and hopes it doesn't sound forced. "I dunno, _Mom_."

Jinyoung hits him lightly with one hand and blushes, but Jaebum doesn't notice, busy looking around. The house is uncharacteristically silent.

"Where are the others?" Nowadays, most of them usually stay home on Saturdays to look after Dabin together and play with her, seeming to find this immensely entertaining. Jaebum can't blame them -- his daughter has many charms.

"Oh, Mark hyung and Jackson ran to the grocery store to get more diapers and formula and Youngjae and Yugyeom are out dating again. I think Bambam's still sleeping. Anyway, it's my shift right now." He smiles at Jaebum over his daughter's head as Dabin continues to knead the plasticine earnestly, pounding her small fists on the table attached to the baby chair as if she's playing drums and ignores both of them.

"Do you want breakfast?" Jinyoung asks, feeding her the last bite and tossing the empty jar into the trash. He starts reaching for the saucepan in which a small stack of his signature pancakes is cooling, but Jaebum suggests instead, "Shall we go to the park for a walk? The weather seems nice."

At the word _walk_ Dabin brightens visibly and looks up in excitement, clapping her hands clumsily together like a seal. She still doesn't know how to speak yet except in incomprehensible gurgles of baby talk but she seems to be a fast learner, already able to recognize some words they often use around her.

"Looks like that's a yes," Jinyoung raises an amused eyebrow, wiping her mouth gently with his handkerchief. Jinyoung is the only guy Jaebum knows who carries a handkerchief around in his pocket everywhere he goes. Jaebum likes to tease him for trying to act gentlemanly, but Jinyoung just reminds him of the few times Jaebum had cried like a girl and been the one who needed a hanky.

 

Jinyoung has no business looking so fine wheeling Dabin's periwinkle blue pram, Jaebum thinks as they stroll at a leisurely pace down the jogger's path, unable to restrain the wide smile of pride every time a jogger stops to admire and coo over their pretty baby girl.

The weather is unseasonably perfect, just the right mix of of balmy and cool. The sun's rays are nicely muted by the clouds, warming their skin comfortably. The path is strewn with pink blossoms underfoot and Jinyoung is smiling next to him. It seems hardly possible that he could feel this perfectly happy, so soon after something that seemed so catastrophic befell him.

"Thank you," he says suddenly, stopping in the middle of the path and turning to gaze at Jinyoung pensively.

Jinyoung turns to face him, smile softening into a more serious look as he holds Jaebum's eyes with wordless warmth. "For what?"

"For... accepting Dabin," Jaebum replies, suddenly shy. When really he means, _for everything you've done for me in the past ten years_.

Jinyoung's smile widens, eyes steady on his. "You're welcome, hyung," he says softly. "You would've done the same for me."

"Would I?" Jaebum blurts out with genuine curiosity, surprised. He can't gauge what he would do at first, because the thought of Jinyoung having a child -- with _somebody else_ \-- throws him and feels uncomfortably alien.

Jinyoung nods confidently, and Jaebum realises that indeed, Jinyoung knows him better than he knows himself.

"But why..." Jaebum wants to ask why Jinyoung had seemed so angry on the first day, but something stops him. Instead, he amends awkwardly, paraphrasing the question with a little cunning, "Why did you decide to accept her?"

"Because I love..." Jinyoung starts automatically, without a moment's hesitation, and Jaebum's breath catches for some reason as he spins to see Jinyoung's face, await his next words.

He hears Jinyoung's breath catch too, tripping on his next word. "-- children," Jinyoung finishes after a beat, looking sheepish and slightly pink. "I love children."

"Oh." Jaebum accepts this without question. There's no reason not to, since he knows that Jinyoung has always adored kids.

 

They stroll in comfortable and companionable silence for the rest of the journey, enjoying the view of the picturesque scenery. Jaebum takes over the pushing of the pram on the trip back, not wanting Jinyoung to overexert himself.

When they arrive outside the gate of the frat house, Jinyoung turns to look at him again. His cheeks are beautifully flushed with the glow of exercise and he looks reluctant to go back in.

"I just wanted you to know..." he murmurs softly, ducking his head bashfully to his chest, "that I'm really proud of you, Jaebum hyung."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this became more than 2 chapters because i keep getting new ideas for the plot and also i think instead of my usual length of 10k each chapter will be around 5k instead which is less tiring for me to write, i must be getting old lol i no longer have the stamina to write so much in one sitting otl. thank you so much to all the people who left me kudos on chap 1 i was incredibly touched and amazed to get so many and the faith readers have in me to complete this story well ;; (ps the periwinkle pram is totally a shoutout to my bb periwinkledreams ilu smooches)


	3. Chapter 3

It's not until he hears the simple, unexpected words in Jinyoung's mellow voice that Jaebum realises how much he has wanted to hear them.

Does he deserve to hear them? Probably not. Should he accept them shamelessly? Definitely no. But still, despite knowing that, Jaebum finds himself desiring, craving and basking in Jinyoung's pride.

He has been spending the past week, since the day he found out about Dabin's existence and his life changed forever, feeling penitent and ashamed and sorry towards everyone. Sorry towards his friends for messing their lives up, and sorry towards Dabin and Sooyeon for messing theirs up too.

He has been feeling like an awful excuse of a human being. So naturally, when Jinyoung says these words, even though he never expected pride or praise in return for his mistakes, Jaebum laps up Jinyoung's encouragement and approval like a man in the desert finding water.

He tries not to let his emotion show on his face and replies, gratefully, "I couldn't have done it without you."

Unthinkingly, he reaches out to ruffle Jinyoung's hair, feeling the need to touch him to express the rush of warmth he feels towards his best friend. Jinyoung's eyes widen in surprise, and he freezes stiffly under Jaebum's touch, but he doesn't pull away.

When Jaebum drops his hand, Jinyoung's hair is adorably mussed and he looks impossibly young, especially with the boyish, vulnerable way he's looking shyly up at Jaebum.

"Do you mean that?" he asks softly, eyes bright. "Did my presence really make a difference to you?"

Now, it's Jaebum's turn to be startled. How could Jinyoung not know his own value, his worth to Jaebum? Everything, _everything_ would have been different if Jinyoung wasn't around. It's always been so.

"Of course," Jaebum replies firmly, instinctively, the words tripping easily out of his mouth even before they go through his brain, because it's a fact so firmly rooted in his being. "Your presence always makes all the difference in the world."

Jinyoung blinks at him, looking dazed, perhaps because he's not used to Jaebum being so eloquent -- or to put it crudely, cheesy. Jaebum himself isn't used to being expressive either, but he just felt the imperative need to convey to Jinyoung how much he means to Jaebum. And for some reason, the reaction he received makes Jaebum regret not being honest about so many other things earlier. Jinyoung is so transparent that it's immensely entertaining -- or should he say... _affecting_ \-- to read his emotions scrawled across his face.

 

And it's also only as he says the words out, expresses his innermost emotions, that Jaebum realises how much he has taken for granted in the past few years. Who he has taken for granted. With a start, he realises that Jinyoung has been with him through all the smiles and the tears, the heartache and the happiness. He always remained faithfully by Jaebum's side, his shadow, his partner-in-crime. They were so inseparable their parents had nicknamed them the Siamese twins because one was never seen without the other. Gradually, Jaebum had grown so comfortable with Jinyoung's presence that he no longer noticed him. He didn't even look before reaching out his hand, confident Jinyoung would be an arm's length away; didn't even turn to check before speaking, utterly certain Jinyoung would be listening. And Jinyoung had never failed him.

Even now, when they had stumbled upon the greatest test of their friendship so far. Jinyoung had remained unflagging, never once disappointing Jaebum's faith in him. And the quiet light in Jinyoung's eyes, the words he has just told Jaebum simply, reassures Jaebum that nothing he can do will ever disappoint or let Jinyoung down.

Somehow, this is all it takes to release the invisible burden he has been carrying on his shoulders, the endless berating and regrets and self-reproach. Because Jinyoung is still here, and he still finds Jaebum worthy of being his best friend. That counts for something, to Jaebum. Maybe everything.

 

It seems he is constantly receving surprises these days, and all of the pleasant kind. A few days later, Youngjae takes him aside for a moment to speak to him gently too.

"Hyung, you know you can count on us, right?" Youngjae's smile is kind, his eyes steady.

Jaebum feels a lump in his throat. "Of course, Youngjae-yah."

"You don't have to worry so much," Youngjae continues, "and text us everyday to remind us our shift is starting. You shouldn't neglect your studies; we're worried you might lose your scholarship if your grades slip."

Jaebum doesn't know what to say. He hadn't expected such a degree of responsibility from his six friends, who had only gone through fun and stress-free times with him so far. He hadn't expected that they were thinking so far for him that they're even concerned about his scholarship, which he himself isn't too worried about because he doesn't really _need_ the financial aid, although he's eligible for it. But as a college student, there's no such thing as enough money, and there are always surplus expenses and ends to make meet, especially now with another mouth to feed and another person for him to support.

He knows his friends are worried that Dabin is a distraction to him, and she does keep him up late more often than previously, but what they don't know is that in fact, the arrival of his daughter has been more of a motivation than a distraction or burden to him.

He doesn't expect them to understand, though, since he has a feeling this is only something people who are parents would understand. How for the first time in his life, he feels like he has a purpose, someone and something to work for -- a future and a home with Dabin. He wants to be successful so he will be able to take care of her, to spoil and pamper her as she deserves; so he will be able to give her a nice house and buy her everything she wants. He wants to give her the best of everything, the most comfortable, carefree and happy childhood he can possibly provide.

He wants her to be proud of him when she grows up, to know how beloved and precious she is to him.

Growing up, spending the initial days of one's life in a frat house with seven barely adult boys -- Jaebum knows this isn't exactly the ideal environment. So although it's only been less than a month since Dabin entered his life, Jaebum finds himself making plans, dreaming of a life together with her, a home together. Stability and comfort and domesticity to make up for the patchwork and itinerant early childhood she has had so far.

Just like his life and his heart has expanded, Jaebum finds his plans for the future adjusting accordingly as well to accommodate Dabin's existence. In a matter of days, she has become an integral and intractable part of his future plans.

 

So Jaebum slowly learns to relax, to let go, finding a balance between his schoolwork and parental responsibilities. He learns that he can rely on his frat-mates, trust them to be as cautious and watchful caretakers and guardians as him. On the exterior, all of them, including him, might look like happy-go-lucky and bumbling typical guys; but Jaebum is pleasantly surprised by the depth and capacity for caring for another person he discovers in them.

 

It's a few weeks later and they've all gotten so used to Dabin's presence in their frat that no one bats an eyelash or trips over their feet, thinking they're still dreaming when they stumble out of their room half-awake to see Jaebum feeding Dabin her breakfast bottle of milk on the couch. They've even gotten used to her caterwauling, knowing how to read which of her cries means she's hungry and which that she needs a diaper change; becoming experts at how to pick her up and rock her against their chests gently, crooning wordless comfort till she hushes. The noise she makes doesn't even bother them anymore, and they can effortlessly continue studying or sleeping even when she starts up again.

It's Saturday morning and everyone is assembled in the kitchen, looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Jaebum has to admit that at least one positive effect of the no-more-parties thing is that they no longer spend their weekends hungover and trashed, wasting money and time on imbibing copious amounts of booze.

Now, they all seem more energetic and clear-eyed, filled with excitement and high spirits as they bicker and banter over where to take Dabin for her weekly excursion today. It's her reward for staying cooped up in the house all week, and they know growing babies are like photosynthesizing plants -- they thrive on contact and exposure with sunlight and the fresh air outdoors.

Today, they've decided Dabin is old enough to go for their first picnic and everyone is bubbling over with cheer, bumping into each other as they pack two overflowing baskets with food and games like frisbee and baseball and basketball.

Jinyoung looks casually handsome and cuddly in a woollen sweater with broad black and grey stripes, and Jaebum doesn't blame Dabin for not being able to resist stroking it till Jinyoung giggles and hugs her affectionately. Sometimes he finds himself feeling envious of his daughter for having the ability to initiate skinship with the others -- especially Jinyoung -- so easily and effortlessly. Jaebum misses the times he used to do so thoughtlessly too, because nowadays it seems oddly like the air between him and Jinyoung is more formal, more polite and detached.

Jinyoung still smiles at him and converses with him caringly and naturally but he feels a distance between them that wasn't there before. He guesses it's a natural progression as they grow up, for them to become less comfortable and touchy as they were when they were boys. At least, he hopes.

 

He's lagging behind the others, weighed down by the thermal bag containing Dabin's equipment strapped over his shoulders. They had had to make a second trip back to the baby store a couple of weeks later to get a few other necessary items they had forgotten the first time, such as this special bag, another he can carry Dabin around in on his shoulders when he needs his hands free, and a walker because she would be learning to walk sooner than they could blink an eye.

He hadn't even accumulated enough money to pay Mark back for the first trip but Mark was the only one who accompanied him on the second, on the pretext of giving Jaebum a lift and helping him transport the items back but Jaebum knew he wanted to subsidize the expenses for him again.

When he feebly apologised for the imposition and promised to pay Mark back as soon as he could, Mark had waved his grateful words away looking embarrassed.

"I want to pay," he had said gruffly. "I want to do something for Dabin too, so forget about returning me the money. I don't calculate with my friends."

It was the first time Mark had called Jaebum his friend verbally, although they had seen each other as bosom buddies for two years now. Jaebum felt the honour as an almost physical warmth.

 

Now, walking back to Mark's car after the picnic, Jackson hangs back to laughingly tease him about looking like an _ahjumma_ housewife with that bulky bag of equipment loaded on his shoulders and his arms full of Dabin.

Jaebum blushes, but before he can think of a witty retort, Jinyoung saunters up from behind and casually slips his arm into the crook of Jaebum's. The faint dimple in his cheek flashes as he declares unabashedly, "I think Jaebum hyung looks cool."

In an instant, Jackson is crowing with laughter, cackling with delight at the way Jaebum is blushing hotly and speechless for once under Jinyoung's honesty.

"Ooh, I see," Jackson sniggers and simpers. "Love truly is blind." He wiggles his eyebrows.

Something in the air shifts at his words, and Jaebum feels Jinyoung's hand slip from his arm, feels him pulling away slightly.

"What are you talking about?" Jinyoung sounds slightly shrill, the way he does when he's caught off guard and lost his bearings. His voice is defensive, his smile stiffening and face breaking out in uneven blotches.

Jackson seems confused by the sudden spike in tension too, brow creasing slightly as he repeats easily, "I said your love for Jaebum hyung is blind."

"I --" Jinyoung starts, voice sounding fired up for the single syllable before Jaebum hears him take a deep breath and get himself back under control. "Yes, you're right." He smiles sweetly and serenely at Jackson. "My love for him _as a friend_."

He emphasizes the last three words nervously, but only Jaebum seems to notice. Jackson just shrugs and rejoins, "Yeah, i meant as a friend obviously... What else could it be?"

He drifts away, voice trailing off as Mark waves to him from beside the car, making him light up; so only Jaebum notices the way Jinyoung visibly sags in relief, the tension in his shoulders seeming to relax. There's something about seeing Jinyoung like this, so shaken and unintentionally exposed, that makes Jaebum look away, feeling like he's witnessing something too intimate and private for his eyes.

Not for the first time, he kind of wishes he were a little less attuned to Jinyoung's moods, like the rest of them. But the way Jinyoung can read him effortlessly, Jaebum seems to have developed a Jinyoung radar, detecting the signals and vibes he sends out and gives off like a radio antenna or satellite dish.

Their relationship has subconsciously grown so close and intimate that they have no room for privacy from each other, and it's starting to feel like a double-edged sword especially in recent days. Jaebum idly wonders if this is part of the reason why Jinyoung has been keeping a cautious distance, because he also feels uncomfortable with Jaebum being able to see through him so transparently. In that case, Jaebum should probably respect his desire and give him space.

But he wonders, as they trudge forward towards the others waiting at the car in silence, no longer talking or touching but still keeping pace out of long-practiced habit, like a pair of old husband and wife -- why even though he should, Jaebum doesn't feel like taking a single step further from Jinyoung.

 

He's in Jinyoung's room studying a few nights later, surrounded by his comforting scent and his belongings -- the stacks of teetering novels some of which he has loaned Jaebum and others he has loaned from Jaebum and never got to returning; the much-thumbed-through textbooks and files and folders of meticulously-taken notes. Jinyoung is known as the second-most scholarly and studious nerd in their frat next to him, and is also on a scholarship which he actually needs more than Jaebum.

He's wearing the pair of oversized nerdy chic black glasses he bought together with Jinyoung a few years ago, which they both only use when studying and reading. Someone -- he doesn't know who, but he knows someone is -- is looking after Dabin while he crams for the Economics pop quiz he has the next day.

Thankfully he manages to finish up more or less everything before midnight, as he doesn't want to keep Dabin up too late either. He knows Jinyoung has an important essay due the next day as well so he wants to return his room early. Everyone else seems to have turned in for the night when he lets himself out, padding down the darkened landing of the second floor in his socks and sleepwear, hugging his books to his chest.

 

He pushes the door of his bedroom open and stops in surprise to see Jinyoung sitting in his bed, curled up comfortably against the headboard and looking like he belongs there.

Jaebum blinks, thrown by the image, the warmth of it in the pool of buttery lamplight cast by his table lamp as he takes in Dabin snuggles against Jinyoung's side, eyelashes fluttering sleepily and languidly, raising a sleepy fist to her mouth as it stretches in a decadently wide yawn.

Jinyoung has his glasses on too and is reading to her from a picture book, a Korean fairy tale about princesses and knights and Prince Charming on a white horse. The book settles down open on his lap, his mellow and soothing voice halting in the middle of a sentence when he looks up and sees Jaebum.

A faint blush stains his cheekbones, dusting across them in the dim light and he looks down bashfully as if caught in the act of doing something guilty.

"I was just... reading her a bedtime story," he says softly, keeping his voice low so as not to wake the drowsy girl and sounding questioning as if he doesn't know if Jaebum will be pleased.

"Thank you," Jaebum says earnestly, advancing on instinct. Jinyoung looks up sharply, and seems to freeze spellbound as he watches Jaebum move across the room towards him in a few wide strides.

Jaebum pauses awkwardly at the foot of the bed, wanting to move closer to Jinyoung but wimping out at the quiet and unreadable light in his eyes gazing unblinkingly up at Jaebum. Instead, he moves over to Dabin's side of the bed and folds himself to slide easily in, the bed dipping under his added weight.

When he slips beneath the covers to join both of them, Jinyoung seems to take this as his cue to leave, immediately lifting the corner of the sheet off his thighs and swinging his legs off.

But Jaebum stops him in his tracks by hastily blurting out, "Stay."

 

Jinyoung pauses, then slowly turns around to look at him. His eyes are mutely searching, studying Jaebum's face.

Jaebum blushes a little under Jinyoung's scrutiny and feels like he has to explain his entreatment.

"Finish the story," he clarifies, trying not to sound too eager. "I think Dabin wants to hear the end."

Their eyes both move down to the girl, who blinks a few more sleepy times but seems to be helpfully trying to stay conscious to support her father's case. Jaebum feels a surge of gratefulness and hope.

When he looks up, his heart leaps to see Jinyoung's face softening and relenting. "All right then. Just a few more pages, okay?"

He strokes Dabin's hair away from her face with a gentle hand, and Jaebum happily wraps a gentle arm around her frail shoulders and settles back against the pillows, ready to listen; both of them keeping up the pretense that they are staying for someone other than each other.

 

Jaebum has always known that Jinyoung had a wonderful reading voice, but he wonders how he hadn't noticed that in recent years it had deepened, matured. Now, it seems to have gained another dimension, softer and more tender and emotional in ways he can't define, so he feels it not only in his ears but his bones.

Jinyoung's voice is so unaccountably intimate and sonorous, that Jaebum feels as though he's touching his skin, even though neither of their bodies are touching at any part. He loses track of the thread of the story, the words growing meaningless till it's only the timbre of Jinyoung's increasingly softening voice resonating in his room, his mind, the space between them. He grows aware of the breaths Jinyoung takes between sentences, his pauses and inflections and cadences. Jaebum has always loved Jinyoung's accent, his slurred and harsh teenage Satoori one as much as the brisker and more crisp Seoul one he adopted as the years went by. There's just something about the melody of Jinyoung's voice that reminds him of warmth and security and happiness and nostalgic, amber-coloured memories.

 

Jaebum doesn't recall falling asleep, but when he groggily opens his eyes again it's early the next morning, time for him to leave for the university and this time Jinyoung is the one who's still sound asleep, both of them curled towards each other like bookends with Dabin ensconced between them, protected by the commas of their bodies.

Jaebum allows himself the indulgence of drinking in Jinyoung's features unobserved for less than a minute. They're slackened, softened by sleep, his lips slightly and sweetly parted, but Jaebum still sees the years gone by in the sharpness and defined angularity of his cheekbones and jaw and chin.

He drags his eyes away as the morning sun filters through the gauzy curtains and dapples Jinyoung's face with the first rays of light, but tucks the blanket over his shoulders with as much gentle care as he does Dabin's before he picks up his bag and slips out of the room soundlessly, closing the door.

 

"Oh my god, her skin is so _smooth_!" Jackson gushes, almost wheezing, as he flutters over Dabin as if she's a miracle fallen from heaven neatly into the crib before them. "I'm so jealous," he moans in despair, covering his own face in shame. "And she's so _tiny_ , I swear her waist is smaller than my hand." He stretches out his fingers in a star shape to demonstrate.

"You're exaggerating," Jaebum grumbles, perhaps a little jealous because Jackson's hands are huge, as are Mark's and Jinyoung's and the rest of them. He's a little amused to find himself getting jealous over petty and trivial things, becoming one of those possessive parents he never imagined he would be.

But he can hardly be blamed, with the extravagant and ridiculous ways in which the other six boys spoil Dabin. Jackson dashes up to Jaebum's room the moment he gets home from school to play with her for hours, dressing her up and combing her hair like a doll till it crackles and shines. Her hair has grown out to her cheeks by now, curling sweetly around her face and she looks like a little princess, which is what Jackson calls her -- "our _gongju-nim_ ". Jaebum would find the way he tirelessly and dedicatedly pleats and French braids her hair with colourful and expensive silk hair ribbons hilarious if he didn't feel so threatened.

It's not just Jackson -- when she seems to enjoy playing with the rattle Youngjae and Yugyeom bought her together, more than the airplane and clouds mobile Jaebum picked out, he feels left out and neglected. He pouts when she simply adores the Pikachu hoodie Mark lavishes another exorbitant sum getting custom-made in her size and refuses to change out of it, wearing and sleeping in it for days on end. Until the only one who manages to persuade her to change out of it and let it be washed isn't him but Bambam, who surprises her with another similar but equally adorable Squirtle jumpsuit.

 

All seven of them have always been very competitive, and engaged in a healthy and playful rivalry among each other, and now a new target has appeared for them to set their sights on, and the competition manifests itself in the way of vying for Dabin's attention and her smiles and laughter.

To her credit, Dabin seems impartial enough, doling out her affections fairly and generously to all of them, never seeming to favour one over the other. But, Jaebum privately things disgruntledly, he should think he would be entitled to a little bit more at least, simply on the basis that he is her father.

So his unexpressed and uncharitable jealousy comes out in the form of petty grumbling, dark mutters of, "You're spoiling her," whenever one of them comes home with another new toy that will divert her attentions for a short time and make the bearer the temporary apple of her eye.

"Pfft, you're just jealous," Jackson shoots back bluntly, calling him out effortlessly. He doesn't seem bothered by Jaebum's embarrassed glower at his small-heartedness being exposed as he continues cooing to Dabin, tickling her chin and teasing her like a pet.

"Who do you like more, Dabin-ah?" Jackson asks sweetly, directing a more-seductive-than-appropriate (in Jaebum's scandalized opinion) grin towards her. "Me or Jaebum _appa_... or --" he adds, distracted as Mark walks in, attracted by the question and another chance to compete, "-- Mark oppa?" He blushes at his own words.

"Excuse me, who's the one calling Mark _oppa_ , you or Dabin?" Jaebum demands in an outraged squawk. He sounds like a father sending his daughter off on prom night.

"Dabin, duh." Jackson glares at him. "Why would I be calling Mark h-hyung oppa?" This might be the first time Jaebum has ever heard Jackson stammer.

Mark shoots him an inscrutable look, both of their faces now flushed in a way that makes Jaebum perversely smug. He _loves_ seeing Jackson (and secretly, Mark too) squirm.

"Eww, that's so..." Jaebum struggles, unable to find an adjective to describe how inappropriate he finds it. "Mark is twenty years older than my daughter, how can she call him _oppa_? That's just weird."

"I suddenly feel old," Mark groans, laughing good-naturedly.

"What do you want her to call us then? _Ahjussi_?" Jackson retorts sassily.

Jaebum makes a face. "That's even worse."

"Exactly." Jackson doesn't even bother to look up at him, now tickling the soles of Dabin's feet with merciless gentleness. "Oppa it is, then."

"Noooooo." Jaebum thinks he might combust of jealousy if he hears his daughter calling his friends _Oppa_ , or of insecurity if his daughter has so many intimidatingly attractive _Oppas_.

"Can't she just call you guys Uncle?" he eventually decides, judging it the address most inoffensive and tolerable to him.

"Sure." Mark winks at Jackson greasily, making the first remotely flirtatious gesture towards him in like, the entire time Jaebum has known both of them. It's enough to make Jackson lose his poker face.

"That's perfect since we're her sugar uncles," Mark continues in that smarmy, greasy voice Jaebum doesn't think he has heard before. Is he drunk?

"Are you drunk?"

"On love," Mark replies him smoothly, looking at Jackson. Jaebum feels bile surging up his throat. Jackson looks like he's about to throw up too, but from nervousness and shock.

"Oh my god, you guys are such creepy perverts. I'm officially disowning you. Dabin-ah, come with appa and let's go~" Jaebum puts on his cutesiest voice and even busts out his pathetic and unseen aegyo.

Dabin only buries her face in Jackson's chest traitorously and gurgles in delight at Jaebum's dismay from his arms, playing him like a pro.

 

Jaebum keeps his word to Youngjae and tries to concentrate on his lessons, focus on school when he's in class, but the moment the dismissal bell rings he springs out of his chair like a runner at the crack of the starting gun and races back to the frat house to check on Dabin. He feels like he's left his heart at home, in the little crib nestled right next to the peacefully sleeping baby, cradled in her dear arms.

It's an effect he realises she has on not only him, but all of them. They're always breathlessly bursting into his room at different times of the day, looking like they dashed all the way back from school and only finally able to rest their mind and set their heart at ease when they see her safely lying in her crib, smiling up at them with that artless and adoring toothless smile.

They never get bored of playing with her for hours, together with each other or individually -- and Jaebum realises with amusement that the reason why they're smitten head over heels with her is probably because she's the only girl who is unimpressed by them, who doesn't have an ulterior motive for getting close to them or designs on their body. It must be a novelty to his frat-mates who are all extremely sought-after and popular with girls in their own ways to be the one doing the chasing for once.

 

One afternoon during his shift, when Jaebum is doing his homework peacefully and occasionally shooting a doting glance over at Dabin gazing up at the airplane mobile in her crib and suckling on her pacifier, Jackson pushes the door of his room open and immediately makes a beeline for her.

Jaebum watches fondly as Jackson picks her up with an uncharacteristic gentleness that looks comical on his muscular built, not minding as much as he pretends to. Deep in his heart, he knows that Dabin is as much the six other boys' as his. Raising her has been a joint effort and he would never take all the credit for it alone.

"Do you miss the parties?" he asks, breaking the silence as he spins his pen between his thumb and middle finger.

Jackson looks up, surprised by his address. But he promptly melts into a broad smile.

"Nah." His voice is light, careless. "Parties are overrated."

Jaebum feels relieved and thankful for his answer, and wonders for a moment if Jackson is just trying to be comforting. But when he thinks about it further, he realises the sense in his words, and that he feels much the same way.

Before Dabin came along, their parties had been one of the highlights of their lives, having huge importance towards all of them because they relied on them to relieve their stress from the school week. They were the most fun day in the week which all of them looked forward to and spent much time planning to organize in big scale.

But Jaebum is surprised to discover now he minds no longer being able to throw badass parties less than he thought he would. Yes, it was true they had to sacrifice some things to make room for Dabin in this house, in their lives; but Jaebum has never found the compromises they made to be less than worth it. Somehow, he feels that they had gained more than they lost ultimately. Because compared to the tranquil, unremarkable warmth of this mundane moment in this room right now, with just the three of them enjoying each other's company; the wild and outrageous parties they had indulged in seem so far away in contrast, meaningless and superficial.

 

Somewhere along the way, their lives have come to revolve around this tiny little girl, and she has unnoticeably transformed into the center of their universe, the softest spot of them and their beating heart. It's the way she sweetly but insistently demands every bit of their attention and time, with her saccharine smile and complacent entitlement -- it's impossible to say no to her, and no one wants to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to everyone who left me kudos on chapter 2, and everyone who's following this fic! :)


	4. Chapter 4

It's been more than a month since he "became" a dad, and every morning when he wakes up the knowledge, the awareness of his new identity still hits him with a surreality that spins his mind. He can't believe that just a short time ago, he was happily single and unencumbered, a footloose and fancy-free college student who partied and drank way too much. It seems like another lifetime entirely, but not in a bad way.

The fact that a daughter of his exists in this world, is living and breathing in the same room as him, growing rapidly every day -- it sounds cheesy, but the only word he can describe how it feels with is _miracle_.

But the greater miracle is that within the span of merely a month, the realisation that hits him of Dabin's existence has altered a hundred and eighty degrees from something that made his heart feel heavier, to something that makes it lighten. His daughter's presence in his life now feels like a blessing, one of his greatest fortunes.

And he is heartened to see that his fraternity brothers feel the same. Trying to resist Dabin's charm is like trying to resist a wave crashing over one on the seashore -- it's impossible and unstoppable. He has always admired all of his friends for different reasons, genuinely liked them and felt they were good people, but he had never expected the extent of how nurturing and how many paternal instincts the six fun-loving fratboys could have. Effortlessly, Dabin has crept into all of their hearts with her innocence and infectious warmth and all of them have become her overprotective guardians alongside him.

He knows this for certain when Youngjae confides in him, looking surprised by his own admission: "Hyung, I've never really been into or good with kids, but knowing Dabin and just... watching you with her... makes me kind of want to be a father." He ducks his head shyly.

Jaebum tries to repress the rush of warmth that floods him at Youngjae's words. He replies with nonchalant pride: "Of course, whose daughter is she?" but truthfully this is one of the most flattering compliments he's received in his life.

 

Even Jackson, the person in the frat who takes the piss out of him most, throws him a rare and unexpected compliment one afternoon when he and Mark are back from school and entertaining Dabin in his bedroom. Mark has lifted her out of her crib and is jiggling her expertly against his hip, making tinkling giggles tumble loosely from her lips. With all the practice they're getting on his daughter, Jaebum has a feeling they will all grow up to be much more skilful first-time dads than other guys.

"You've changed," Jackson observes, looking at him appraisingly with something that looks like admiration, and Jaebum looks up, puzzled and half-ready for some playful shade being thrown.

But when he asks, "How?" Jackson looks down shyly, as if regretting his impulsive words, and mutters reluctantly, "You're more mature."

Jaebum is taken aback by the grudging compliment because he isn't doing anything particularly mature at the moment, just sitting at his desk trying not to doze off before he finishes the homework he's running late on because he was too busy soothing Dabin's fretting last night to do it. She seems to be crying a little more frequently lately and he's worried to near distraction about whether it's just teething or something more serious like colic.

"Um... thanks?" he deadpans, trying to hide his pleasure and smirking at Jackson who is blushing at Jaebum's shit-eating grin now and looking like he wishes he never said anything. Jackson's words make Jaebum remember that he has been meaning to raise the colic worry to Mark for the last few days, asking him if he can borrow his car to take Dabin to the pediatrician this weekend for a routine consultation, just to make sure her development is going fine and clear up a few queries he has.

But when he turns to look at Mark, he is startled by the way his face has slightly and almost imperceptibly darkened, his smile slipping as he stops cheerfully bouncing Dabin. He's looking at Jaebum with an unfriendly rivalry in his eyes that Jaebum hasn't seen before, and he instantly realises why when Mark's eyes widen at being caught and he flushes, immediately rearranging his expression and shooting a wary glance at Jackson to see if he noticed too. His gaze returns to Jaebum, now apologetic and mutely pleading with him not to remark on what he saw.

Jaebum tries to convey reassurance in his own expression. No wonder Mark is feeling outdone -- because it's a rare occasion someone other than himself is able to make Jackson blush. Mark may be dense and obtuse, but Jaebum knows he basks in the adulation of being Jackson's favourite hyung.

 

Jaebum tries to control himself, but he can't help falling hard and fast. Unlike all the other relationships he's ever been in, there doesn't seem to be any brakes or safety net in this parent-child one with Dabin, and it's frankly kind of terrifying. Unconsciously, he's grown more attached to her than possible in this short span of time. One morning, he wakes up from his first ever nightmare where she is present and realises that he's deathly afraid of losing her; can no longer imagine life without her.

Every time his phone rings, it makes him jump physically, heart leaping into his throat and breaking out into a cold sweat. Anxious thoughts race around his head. Is this the time it will be Sooyeon calling, an unfamiliar number flashing across his caller ID to inform him that she will be back earlier than she said in her note to reclaim their daughter?

After that first day and his promise to the others to redouble his efforts to track Sooyeon down, he had genuinely intended to do so. He had called the old cellphone number he had saved under her name in his contacts list but as she said, it was cancelled. He had sent her an e-mail which so far had gone unanswered too. He knew where she lived and was studying but he didn't want to put her in a difficult position by going to her parents. Eventually, he had started drafting a letter on his computer to print and send to her parents or school via post to forward to her. But for some reason, he has never managed to finish composing it till now.

It's only now that he's finally able to admit to himself that maybe... just maybe, he doesn't want Dabin to leave.

It's a thought that haunts him more and more as the days go by, and with each one, he falls a little more -- how long more do they have together, before this idyll ends?

 

"Do you think it will affect her -- not having a mother's love and warmth?" he muses out loud to no one in particular one morning at breakfast. Only Jinyoung and Bambam are in the kitchen, the rest having already left for early classes. Bambam is finishing up a bowl of cornflakes drenched in Yugyeom's favourite brand of chocolate milk Jinyoung had poured for him while Jinyoung is standing at the sink washing the breakfast dishes.

One of the things Jaebum appreciates about Jinyoung is that although he's not the neatest, tidiest or most hygienic person in their house -- in fact, some would call him the least so -- he always makes an effort to pick up after the others and take on most of the household chores. He's messy and not as organized as Jaebum himself, but Jinyoung is the most responsible, thoughtful and considerate member of their household. If he weren't living here, their living room would probably look chronically like a whirlwind hit it, strewn with half-eaten, days-old pizza boxes and chips wrappers, crushed soda and beer cans and unwashed clothes like any other frat-boy nest.

Ironically, Jinyoung's bedroom is the only area of the house he slacks off on cleaning, as if feeling more free to be his true messy self in the privacy of his room. Still, it doesn't put Jaebum off one bit from constantly, almost daily visiting Jinyoung's room to thumb through his belongings and borrow books or clothes or notes from the classes they have in common. He also takes pleasure in helping Jinyoung to clean his room sometimes, feeling grateful to be able to do something for Jinyoung in return for all he does for the rest of them.

 

So it doesn't surprise him when Bambam replies his question and silent but constant worry that Dabin will grow up to feel unwanted due to her unconventional, single-parent early upbringing: "Why would she need any other _umma_ when she has Jinyoung hyung?"

His words are genuinely curious and spontaneous, not even bothering to look up from his food. Jinyoung pauses in his washing and turns to look back at them from the sink, water still running and foam bubbles frothing on his gloves as his gaze travels to Jaebum.

He looks apprehensively awkward and apologetic, as if feeling himself lacking the ability to carry out on Bambam's impression of him. Because of how similar his concern and nagging of them is to a mother hen, the other boys fondly nicknamed him the _umma_ of their group, just like the way they teasingly called Jaebum _appa_ bfore they even knew Dabin existed and the two of them their resident "married couple" because of their longtime history and friendship. Jaebum quickly shoots him a reassuring smile to tell him not to worry. In truth, Bambam's words resonate with him on a deeper level as he realises with a start that although Jinyoung isn't related to Dabin or her biological parent in any way -- far from it -- there are some things about them that are very similar, areas where Jinyoung reminds him of Dabin. Like... how delicate they both are; and how easy to love.

He reflects with fondness that they are equally sweet and childlike, and unbidden, recalls how adorable Jinyoung was at thirteen when Jaebum first met him -- skinny with a dorky bowlcut, earnest and shy, Jaebum's most impressionable, most adoring and adored _dongsaeng_. At that time, Jaebum had never expected that Jinyoung would become his oldest and most lasting friend.

 

_dabin sed her 1st word_

The text from Jackson vibrates his phone one afternoon partway into Jaebum's sociology lecture, and he literally drops everything and springs up in the middle of his professor's droning, ignoring everyone's dumbfounded stares and the awkward silence that falls as he stumbles and trips down the steps with a loud clatter and dashes out of the class like his ass is on fire without a single word of excuse.

He's ran almost all the way back to the frat house when he realises that taking a cab would have been faster and much less exhausting, but he feels pumped up on adrenaline, energy running on overdrive as he bursts into the house and into his bedroom where Jackson looks up from his seat by the crib, eyes wide as saucers.

"Holy hell, I texted you like five minutes ago --" he starts in disbelief, but Jaebum impatiently interrupts, demanding, "What did she say?"

His voice sounds embarrassingly desperate, but he's too excited and hopeful to care. He never thought Dabin would say her first real word so soon, but he had been looking forward to it and praying it would be his name.

Jackson smiles with superiority, giving him his signature annoying coy look with his chin tucked into his chest and gazing up through his eyelashes. "She said..." he pauses just to keep Jaebum in suspense, "-- Uncle Jackson."

Jackson's grin is smug. "You're lying!" Jaebum cries in dismay, heart falling.

He lunges forward to throttle Jackson breathlessly, until Jackson is falling apart with uncontrollable giggles and pleading for mercy: "Okay, okay, I was just teasing you! She said _appa_ , alright? Chill out."

"Tell me the truth," Jaebum growls implacably, until Jackson convinces him by raising his hand to scout-swear on his honour that Dabin had really said her first word, and it was unmistakably Jaebum's name.

 

Then, Jaebum finally collapses in tears, both literal and figurative exhaustion hitting him at once -- from rushing all the way back, as well as the last few months of late nights and sleep-deprived days and all the worrying, all the frighteningly daunting first times. All he can think now is that it was all worth it, every painstaking, difficult bit of it. His first months being a father might not have been a breeze, but they were definitely worth it.

When he has confirmed the facts and extracted all the details of how it had happened from an amused Jackson, he immediately and breathlessly leans over the crib, literally begging Dabin to say it again, just so he can hear it personally for himself. He tearfully and regretfully bemoans the fact that he hadn't been around to hear the first time his daughter called his name, that he had missed this life-changing experience he would never be able to get back. If he could, he would drop all his studies and life just to sit next to her crib the whole day so he wouldn't miss a single startling heartbeat of her growth and miraculous daily development.

"You'll just have to believe me, and I'm sure she'll say it again," Jackson says from behind him, sounding uncharacteristically gentle and affectionate. He places a hand on Jaebum's shoulder and Jaebum turns, suddenly panicking.

"What if she was calling you? What if she thinks you're her appa?"

Jackson laughs out loud, reassuring Jaebum with relief of the preposterousness of his fear.

"Even with the size of my ego, I highly doubt that's likely, hyung," Jackson says kindly despite the amusement in his eyes. "Give your daughter some credit. She's smart enough to recognize and differentiate between her father and her godfather."

"Who made you her godfather?!" Jaebum instinctively grumbles, caught off guard by Jackson's self-promotion to the title. Jackson only chortles in glee and replies proudly, patting his chest, "Yours truly."

Jaebum lets it go, feeling less petty than usual for once because today is a momentous and sacred day -- the first day his daughter acknowledged him as her father.

 

Somewhere along the way, the passage of time has ceased to be marked as it used to be by his achievements in school, but rather the milestones of Dabin's first year. Her first word, her first tooth, her first steps. He feels indescribably honoured to be witnessing all of these irreplaceable and precious moments, and goes to great and tireless lengths to document all of them in picture and video form.

Very soon, he has used up all the memory space in his phone and digital camera and has to transfer them into a folder in his laptop. He resists the overpowering urge to upload all the joint selfies he has taken with the baby's various absurdly adorable expressions, amazingly photogenic in every single one, on to his Instagram and contents himself grudgingly with developing all the photos into hard copies and spending hours pasting the glossy pictures into thick and pretty photo albums, with lovingly handwritten captions beneath each one.

He wants more than anything to show off his absolutely perfect, flawless, gifted and gorgeous daughter, feeling himself bursting with pride for her bravery, courage and undimmable sense of adventure as he watches her learning to walk. His heart drops every time she stumbles and falls, face squinching up in pain and smooth unblemished skin reddening with bruises, and he has to physically clench his hands into fists to stop himself from rushing forward to help her up, support her; knowing that he might be able to now but he will not always be able to in the future.

 

The other six boys have been remarkably well-behaved and shown impressive discipline, tolerance and patience, cleaning up their act and old lifestyles to provide a healthy and positive environment and surroundings for a less-than-a-year-old baby to grow up in. Previously, the default soundtrack of their house comprised of The Slim Shady LP and Relapse, angry rap music and American mainstream pop blaring their explicit lyrics at top volume on their surround sound stereo system every night. During parties, they would play even wilder dance music and electropop.

But all their favourite albums have been retired for months, and now the only tunes that can be heard in the house are either Barney, Spongebob Squarepants, Dora the Explorer theme songs or the Bach and Mozart CDs Youngjae had dug out of his dusty collection because they hope Dabin will grow up into a classy woman with sophisticated music taste.

So Jaebum understands that they still need to find ways to let loose, to shake off the school-induced stress, and since there is a baby in the house they need to go elsewhere to seek their thrills. Slowly, some of them have taken to attending other parties on weekends or going to clubs which the other students in their college frequent.

 

Jaebum is usually the default babysitter on such nights, content to remain in the house with Dabin watching Saturday night movie reruns on TV and snacking on popcorn, and feeling the obligation to himself to keep on the straight and narrow even though Dabin wouldn't know if he sneaked out. It's as if he has to follow a whole new code of fatherly conduct to face his daughter without feeling ashamed of himself.

But tonight, he is surprised to see Jinyoung descending the stairs together with Jackson. He does a double take at Jinyoung decked out in his ready-to-party attire, a studded black leather jacket and ripped skinny jeans, dark eyes rimmed fiercely with kohl liner.

"You got your ears... and lip pierced?!" Jaebum squeaks in shock, eyes bulging at the chain extending from Jinyoung's lower lip to his cartilage.

Jinyoung laughs, even his voice sounding more throaty and sultry as if his personality has become unrecognizable alongside his appearance.

"No, hyung. It's a clip-on," he replies patiently, looking amused.

"Humph." Jaebum is still half-disbelieving, not aware that there are such things as clip-on lip studs nowadays. He feels like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud suddenly.

"Where are you going?" he interrogates petulantly. He realises he's acting like Jinyoung's father, and winces, bracing himself for a sarcastic _None of your business, dad_ joke.

But he should've known Jinyoung is too nice to be mean. "To a club."

Jaebum is thrown momentarily because it's the first time Jinyoung has gone out during weekends since Dabin arrived at their home. He had thought Jinyoung had no desire to go partying and clubbing, like him, that he was contented to stay home. It stings for some reason that his assumption has turned out wrong. He feels embarrassed, like he was keeping Jinyoung at home and annoying him with his demands on his time and attention towards him and Dabin.

And yet, another part of him wants to do the same again, to hold Jinyoung back tonight.

 

He's seen Jinyoung dolled-up before, how he sheds his good-boy, model-student skin to become charismatic and slick and dangerously sexy. When Jinyoung is a bad boy, he attracts the hungry and lustful stares of both girls and boys in droves, and more than once Jaebum had to step in to help him fan off an overly-ardent admirer.

He can recognize that smoulder in Jinyoung's intense, coal-black eyes that tells Jaebum he intends to get completely wasted tonight, and Jaebum doesn't trust Jackson or whoever else is going to take care of him. When Jinyoung loses his inhibitions he's like a completely different person. Jackson is known to be the wild one but when Jinyoung wants to be, he's got nothing on him.

Now, Jaebum thinks of Jinyoung dirty-dancing at an unknown club somewhere, late into the night, with someone else, a faceless stranger with his greedy hands all over Jinyoung's nubile body, groping and pawing, taking advantage.

 _His Jinyoungie_. The irrational thought flashes into his mind like lightning, startling him with its force. But there is something about Jinyoung standing on the stairs, looking so desirable and vulnerable as he stares at Jaebum quietly with those deep, enigmatically dark eyes, confusion and hope and challenge gleaming from them. Something about the thought of Jinyoung looking at anyone else like that makes Jaebum snap.

 

But besides standing there and silently panicking, he doesn't know what else he can do to make Jinyoung stay, when he's already all dressed and ready to go. Jaebum is embarrassed to ask, afraid to impose on Jinyoung, although they are best friends and beyond such formalities. He is afraid that instead of looking gratified, Jinyoung will show a burdened and impatient expression at Jaebum's troublesome request, and yet still stay in the end simply because he's too nice to say no to anyone.

Jaebum feels cumbersome, awkward and ungainly, with his needs and new impositions, sitting on the couch cradling his daughter in frumpy milk-stained sweats on a Saturday night, his own motorcycle jackets and spiked cuffs and jewellery long retired into the depths of his closet behind Dabin's clothes; no longer fitting in as he used to into their carefree and fun-chasing fraternity. He desperately and unreasonably wants Jinyoung to stay, to prove his allegiance, but can't let down his pride enough to ask.

The sound of footsteps pattering on the landing makes them look up to see Mark breathlessly descending the steps from his room.

"Sorry I was doing my makeup," he pants, then does a double take and nearly misses a step at Jackson looking devilishly handsome with his blond hair matted into a wet look and falling into his eyeliner-darkened eyes, a line of cross earrings dangling from his piercings.

Jackson looks pleased at the effect of his look but blushes too, quickly muttering, "It's okay," and herding Jinyoung down the steps and towards the door, clearing his throat. "We're late, bye hyung! Bye Dabin!"

 

In the nick of time, Jaebum blurts out, "Jinyoung-ah!" then immediately cringes at how needy his voice sounds.

But Jinyoung doubles back almost as immediately, his eyes shining now with something that looks impossibly more like hope, but also a measure of guardedness.

It's the hope that gives Jaebum courage. He takes a deep breath and throws everything in. "Can you... not go?" His voice trails off towards the last words pathetically, and he holds his breath, bracing for Jinyoung's rejection and pity.

"What? Why not?" Jackson squawks from the front door, taking offense for him, but Mark is more sympathetic, shooting Jaebum a commiserating look.

Jaebum keeps his eyes trained on Jinyoung, not replying, as an unnameable series of emotions plays across his expressive face.

There is a nerve-wracking pause, seconds that feel much longer, before Jinyoung opens his mouth. "Why?" he asks non-commitally, looking at Jaebum and raising an eyebrow. But he doesn't say no.

Jaebum opens and closes his mouth, flustered. After a moment, he responds lamely, "I need your help... with Dabin."

In an instant, Jinyoung's face changes, from closed to open. "Is she okay?" he questions anxiously, eyes wide.

"She seems a little... tired. I'm worried she might be coming down with a flu," Jaebum lies with disgraceful smoothness, only feeling guilty momentarily. He knows he's playing dirty, but grimly realises that he isn't above anything when it comes to keeping Jinyoung.

Jinyoung is already unclipping the silver chain on his lip and shrugging off his jacket, successfully manipulated. "Have you taken her temperature?" He turns to Jackson and Mark distractedly. "Sorry, guys. You'll have to go yourselves tonight. Have fun anyway."

Jackson huffs, looking displeased but Mark takes his arm and leads him away before he can add anything.

"Bye, Jinyoungie!" Mark calls easily as the front door closes, the pet name that Jaebum finds much more difficult and awkward to use these days, mysteriously. He envies Mark, and feels bad for keeping Jinyoung from going out to have fun for the first time in ages when he must be pent up with schoolwork. Jinyoung deserves a break, and Jaebum feels selfish, childish and immature with his urge to monopolize his best friend.

He is so absorbed by his reproachful thoughts that he doesn't even notice Jinyoung walking up to him, right into his personal space, no longer wearing the lip-slash-ear piercing but still looking unnervingly, thrillingly foreign and smelling like musk and debauchery as he wraps his arms around Jaebum and gathers him into an awkward embrace.

Jaebum instinctively stiffens, from the sheer amount of time since the last time they hugged (the last time they did, they weren't almost the same height yet), and Jinyoung pulls away looking stung.

"Why did you..." Jaebum stammers, and Jinyoung musters a half-smile, looking embarrassed now by his boldness.

"You looked like you needed one," he explains simply.

 

They stand an arm's length apart, quietly gazing at each other, a faint blush dusting both their cheeks and mirroring smiles creeping over their faces, tugging at the corners of their lips. A night with his best friend... it sounds like more fun than Jaebum has had in longer than he can remember. He suddenly hopes, more than anything, that Jinyoung isn't disappointed by his company.

Then Jinyoung abruptly seems to remember something, and snaps out of his foolish daze, brows drawing together with worry.

"Where's Dabin? We have to take her temperature right away, and take her to the doctor if necessary... Damn, I should've asked Mark hyung to leave the car --"

"Jinyoung." Jaebum can't bear continuing the lie a single minute more.

Jinyoung stops midsentence and looks at him, confused and still frantic. "What?"

"I'm sorry," Jaebum mumbles. "Dabin isn't sick. I lied to make you stay."

He keeps his eyes on the floor, afraid to meet Jinyoung's, afraid he will see anger, or worse, regret he hadn't gone with the other two.

There is an interminable silence before Jinyoung's voice reaches his ears, gloriously warm and unreproachful.

"Oh, hyung." Jaebum looks up eagerly to see Jinyoung's eyes melting with quiet affection and tenderness. "You should've just told me you were lonely. I would've been happy to stay."

Jaebum draws up indignantly, bristling. "I'm not lonely!" He's highly offended by what he interprets as Jinyoung's pity.

Jinyoung hums, eyes glinting with delight. "Whatever you say, hyung." He blithely links his arms with Jaebum, ignoring his outraged protests as they turn back to where Dabin is watching them from the couch with contented amusement as if they're a movie.

 

She's way too young to understand -- but something about his daughter's eyes looks knowing as they rest on him, making Jaebum's face warm. He clears his throat and subtly extracts his arm from Jinyoung's, moving to the kitchen.

He doesn't hear Jinyoung following, and when he turns again sees him still standing at the same place staring at Jaebum with a sad look on his face. They both blink in surprise, before Jaebum hears himself blurting out: "I heard there's a pretentious French movie rerun on TV tonight. Wanna stay up and watch after putting Dabin to bed?"

The way Jinyoung bursts out laughing in surprise and appreciation makes his heart leap like a puppy.

"You know I do," he counters without missing a beat, winking at Jaebum.

 

Twenty minutes later, they are curled up comfortably on the couch watching said pretentious French movie and Jinyoung is absolutely enjoying and reveling in it. Seeing his smile, Jaebum tells himself he did Jinyoung a favour by tricking him into staying home tonight.

During one of the commercial breaks, Jinyoung turns to him abruptly and apropos of nothing remarks, "I'm thinking of getting a tattoo here in future." He shows Jaebum the delicate, pale skin on the inside of his lower arm, a few inches above his wrist. "What do you think?"

"Really?" Jaebum sits up, not knowing how he feels about this initially. Mark and Jackson have multiple tattoos but he hadn't expected Jinyoung to want to get one too as he's the only one among them who doesn't really favour body art or piercing. Jinyoung hasn't changed out of his clubbing clothes, only taken off the jacket and his eyeliner is smudged a little from laughing at the funny parts of the movie. There's no doubt that he would look smoking hot with a tattoo, but Jaebum doesn't know why he doesn't tell Jinyoung that.

"What kind of tattoo?" he asks instead.

Jinyoung smiles dreamily. "I was thinking of the English word _inevitable_." Jinyoung's English accent is more perfect than Jaebum remembered. "Do you know what it means?"

Jaebum bites his lip. "Yeah, kinda... but explain it to me again."

Jinyoung's eyes move down to his mouth absently, glazing over with thought. "It means something like... a force you can't fight, you know? Like gravity. Something you can't control, as if it's predestined. A certain end. It just feels so... powerful and reassuring to me. I hope I'll feel something as strong and sure as that someday."

Jinyoung is still as romantic as he's ever been. It's reassuring to Jaebum somehow, to know that Jinyoung is still as untainted and idealistic as he was at thirteen. It's when everything around him's changing in ways and at a speed he can't control that Jaebum finds himself twice as grateful for Jinyoung's constancy.

"I like it," he surprises himself by saying decisively. Jinyoung looks surprised too, but happy.

"You do? I think I'll most probably get it then," he says happily, and Jaebum feels a pang at how easily he can make Jinyoung smile.

"Maybe I'll get one too," he murmurs, and Jinyoung's eyes widen. The commercial break has long ended and the movie resumed, but neither of them seem to notice or care.

Jaebum smiles sheepishly. "Do you mind if I copy you?" he teases, half-joking. "We can get matching best-friend tattoos."

Jinyoung replies in all seriousness, "Not at all! You would look so hot with a tattoo, hyung."

They both seem to realise what he said a moment after the words slip out, and Jaebum feels inexplicably mortified as Jinyoung blushes.

 

The awkward moment is interrupted by Bambam's voice ringing down the stairs. They jump, not even aware that he was at home.

"Ewww, are you guys cuddling?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this fic got more slow-paced and heavy on the baby aspect than both i and readers expected, so i really appreciate the people who are as emotionally invested in this verse as me, patient with my development, and on board with me for the process of writing this fic! :)


	5. Chapter 5

They spring apart at Bambam's appalled exclamation, both startled and looking guilty although they weren't touching each other or even sitting that close and he was just exaggerating to tease his hyungs as usual. Sure enough, when Jinyoung yells without turning his head, "No, you obnoxious brat!" he collapses into snickers and they hear his fading footfalls scampering up the steps back to his room.

But despite his bravado, Jinyoung's face looks curiously red, unable to meet Jaebum's eyes straight on as he clears his throat and turns away to face the TV again, resuming his watching of the movie. Jaebum follows his cue and tries to return his attention to it as well, but for the next thirty minutes he finds himself barely managing to concentrate on anything going on onscreen as his mind lingers on Jinyoung's words; Jinyoung staying; Jinyoung sitting right next to, less than an arm's length away from him.

 

Seven months after they found Dabin on their doorstep, they pick a pretty and auspicious date and celebrate her first makeshift birthday. They still don't know when her real one is, but this is the closest approximate they managed to make, an educated guess aided by the pediatrician Jaebum and Mark had brought her to.

Despite all the chaotic and haphazard moving back and forth from different homes and parents, despite the fact that she has spent the past half a year being brought up in a fraternity house by seven clueless frat-boys, the pediatrician smilingly reassured them that Dabin has blossomed into a remarkably healthy and strong child. It was one of the proudest moments of Jaebum's life and he nearly wept in relief right there and then in the clinic.

She is also displaying signs of very promising mental development and a high IQ, starting to talk much earlier than most babies her age. Although she still can't formulate complete sentences or string together more than a few words yet, they have managed to teach her after tireless hours and days of coaching syllable by syllable to say the word Uncle, followed by their names which she mostly mispronounces but bothers them not a bit as they coo over her precociousness.

"Looks like Dabinnie inherited your smarty-pants genes," Yugyeom teases him cheekily, and Jaebum huffs to hide how pleased he is.

 

As with most babies, she is growing incredibly quickly too, seeming to outgrow her clothes almost as soon as they buy a new batch. Jaebum clucks over the waste even though they managed to earn a few dollars selling the old, too-small ones at a thrift shop, and suggests that they should start buying secondhand clothes since she will be too big for them again in a few months anyway.

But Mark waves away his worries, telling him Dabin deserves nothing less than the best as he unveils a whole new wardrobe along with the elaborately and colourfully wrapped and bow-tied boxes the others whisk out from behind their backs for a thrilled Dabin after she carefully blows out the candles with Jinyoung's help.

"Mark-yah, you shouldn't have!" Jaebum scolds fretfully, jaw dropping at all the preppy designer brands Mark has gone to exorbitant expense on again. "Even if you wanted to buy her clothes, she doesn't have to wear expensive ones."

Mark chuckles. "Relax, I purchased enough to get a twenty per cent discount, and the salesgirl gave me an additional ten by using her staff privileges."

Jinyoung's eyes widen. "Was it that same one who served us the first time we went? Aw hyung, you're such a lady killer!"

Mark smirks devilishly, unapologetic. "Let's just say I know how to use my looks to get what I want."

They all have a good laugh about it and congratulate him for using his pretty face to score a bargain, until Jaebum notices Jackson is the only one who's being unnaturally quiet.

"Did you give her your number?" he demands curtly, making the ruckus fall as the rest grow silent.

Mark looks uncomfortable, shrugging. "What does it matter? It's not like I'm going to date her."

"It matters because she's going to call you, hyung," Jackson retorts sharply, voice dripping with disapproval. "It matters because you're leading the poor girl on."

Mark is starting to look ashamed now and Jinyoung touches Jackson's elbow, giving his back a soothing rub. Jackson thankfully reins himself in and manages to hold his tongue from speaking further so as not to dampen the mood of Dabin's birthday party, but he doesn't speak to Mark for the rest of the night even when he tugs hesitantly on Jackson's sleeve and they both stab their slices of cakes with their forks with unnecessary force.

Jaebum attempts to lighten the slight tension, picking the candied cherry off the top of the Hello Kitty cake and holding it before Jinyoung's mouth, but pulling it away when he opens it. He teases Jinyoung a few more times by moving it back and forth, the way he has always liked to do for some reason since they were teenagers. He wouldn't do it if Jinyoung didn't like it, but he also seems to enjoy it, erupting in giggles and glaring with mock challenge at Jaebum as he determinedly chases the morsel with his lips. Jaebum finds his eyes on Jinyoung's lips, reddened and slick from the cream, opening to reveal a glimpse of his tongue which slips out to lick them hungrily as his eyes never leave the cherry, like a kitten chasing a speck of light.

Jaebum catches him by surprise by stuffing the cherry into Jinyoung's mouth without warning just when Jinyoung thinks he's going to pull away. So Jinyoung closes his mouth by accident on Jaebum's fingers, which come into contact with Jinyoung's moist lips and brush against his tongue. Jinyoung immediately blushes hotly and Jaebum withdraws his fingers as if burned.

Jaebum awkwardly wipes his fingers on the hem of his shirt, avoiding Jinyoung's eyes with a cough. Jinyoung twitches and swallows the cherry, throat working. Jaebum tries not to listen to him sucking the flesh off the pit and spitting it out.

 

An hour later, after the party has wrapped up and they have all dispersed back to their rooms, he tucks Dabin in to sleep and switches the light off, backing out of his bedroom.

He grabs a bottle of chilled beer from the fridge, allowing himself the rare indulgence because today is a special day. But when he gets to the veranda, he finds someone already sitting on one of the deck chairs.

"Jaebum," says Mark, looking up in surprise from his own beer. He smiles welcomingly and gestures to the other deck chair. "Sit down."

Mark doesn't seem to want to be alone, so Jaebum takes a seat. For a while, they sip their beers in companionable silence, before Mark breaks it conversationally.

"Have you ever thought of what you would do if Dabin isn't your daughter?"

"What?" Jaebum is so caught by surprise, he nearly spits out his mouthful of beer. His spine stiffens as he straightens up in his chair, turning to stare at Mark.

Mark gives him a sympathetic look. "I'm just saying," he says quietly. "You haven't forgotten that it isn't confirmed, right?"

Jaebum's heart is quickening, beating irregularly. He takes a large swig of beer to still the sudden tremor of his hands.

"No," he replies slowly, trying to sound calm. "I haven't forgotten." He is aware that Mark is just speaking out of concern, that he has Jaebum's interests at heart. But Jaebum has truthfully not considered for a very long time now what he would do in that situation.

"She might not be here to stay," Mark warns, continuing. "I wouldn't get too attached if I were you, before everything is confirmed."

"Speak for yourself," Jaebum snaps reflexively, not realising how rude the words sound until he hears himself. But it was a knee-jerk reaction to the way Mark's words cut him to the quick with their chilling truth, and made cold sweat trickle down his back.

Mark looks hurt, and Jaebum hurriedly apologises, stricken with remorse. Mark forgives him just as quickly, reassuring him that it's okay. "I understand. You're right, I'm in just as deep as you."

They both sigh, nursing their beers for another few beats of silence and staring out at the sky. "What are we going to do?" Mark muses rhetorically and morosely, echoing Jaebum's thoughts, but he has a feeling as Mark fingers the matching Cartier friendship bracelet he had gotten with Jackson that Mark is thinking of something else as well.

"Are you still trying to contact your ex-girlfriend?" Mark asks when their bottles are nearly empty and Jaebum is thinking of asking him if he wants to split another one.

He doesn't expect the question. "Y-yeah," he lies, looking down shiftily.

"Well, good luck with that." Mark seems to believe him.

"Thanks," Jaebum replies, feeling guilty. He abruptly realises that he has been living in a kind of utopian state for so long, not confronting the issues he should have and blissfully disregarding their existence, that he has forgotten about the reality of the situation.

 

Since he doesn't ask Mark to split the second bottle in the end, Mark gets to his feet after finishing his first and ten minutes more of Jaebum's silence.

"I'm going to bed," he says, and Jaebum nods, his lips on the rim of his empty bottle. "Aren't you coming too?"

"I think I'll sit here a while more," Jaebum replies, offering a half-hearted smile up. "Night, hyung."

Mark smiles because Jaebum hardly ever calls him that, knowing its a conciliatory gesture. "Don't stay up too late," he mumbles, before shuffling away.

 

After Mark leaves, Jaebum tries to get into a mood for sleeping, but instead he finds himself getting worked up the more he contemplates.

Initially, the arranagement to take Dabin in had been assumed to be only temporary. Jaebum had never imagined he would develop such permanent and long-term feelings for her, that could no longer be denied or cast away.

It shakes him up to think that she could be taken away from him anytime, and he would be helpless to keep her by his side. He feels like a useless father, and it just ticks him off and bothers him more and more that if Sooyeon hadn't run into financial trouble, she would probably never have brought Dabin to him or let him know of her existence. It just seems so unfair, that she felt she had the right to make the decision by herself to bring Dabin into the world and bring her up alone, when Dabin rightfully was conceived by and belonged to both of them.

He groans and runs a frustrated hand through his hair, trying to calm down because he knows it's useless to go on thinking about this. He'll drive himself nuts. As Jinyoung would say if he were around right now, there's nothing Jaebum can do but to take things a day at a time and handle the future as best he can when it comes.

 

A few weeks later they all gather on a Saturday morning again to take Dabin out, to the zoo this time. She has been clamouring to see the real animals she loves in the picture books with pop-up pages Jinyoung reads to her and the collection of plushies the three youngest bought her to arrange around the new cot they had pooled their savings to give her on her birthday because she had outgrown the crib. Not to be outdone, Jackson had come home the next day with seven custom-made dolls, amusingly accurate right down to their smallest features, of the seven of them which he had cheesily nicknamed her "Dream Knights".

They had immediately become Dabin's favourite toys, and she carefully arranged them in pairs, Jackson's sitting next to Mark's; Youngjae's beside Yugyeom's, and Bambam beside the Dabin doll Jinyoung had gone to the same shop to custom-make for her so she wouldn't feel left out. (They seemed to be in an ongoing competition to find out who could pamper her the most.)

ll the pairings made sense to Jaebum, and he crooned praises over how perceptive and intelligent his daughter already was at her tender age. The only thing he couldn't figure out was why, the next morning when he woke up, he found his and Jinyoung's dolls leaning against each others shoulders sweetly at the corner of her cot, looking for all the world like a pair of lovers. (He eventually decided, blushing, that Jackson must have crept into his room while he was sleeping and done so in another prank.)

 

On the way to the zoo, Mark drove and Jackson sat in the passenger seat beside him cradling Dabin as usual (The car seat couldn't fit when they were all in the car at the same time). The other five had to cram into the backseat, two of them sitting on another two's laps because there is only space for a maximum of three to sit in a row.

But on the way back, Jaebum offered to take the wheel because Mark seemed upset and angry for some reason. It looked like Jackson and him had had a disagreement sometime earlier in the zoo, though it must have been when they were alone because no one seems to have witnessed it or know what was going on between them except that they are ignoring each other.

Bambam climbs into the passenger seat beside him with a sleepy Dabin hanging from his neck like a lemur and dozing off in his arms, while the rest pile into the backseat. Youngjae naturally climbs into Yugyeom's lap and Jinyoung slides into the middle beside him. Mark and Jackson stand stiffly outside the car, neither of them looking inclined to go first before Jackson throws himself in without a word and unceremoniously plops himself into Jinyoung's lap. Not expecting it, Jinyoung looks taken aback but has no choice but to wrap his arms around Jackson's waist to steady him.

Jaebum sees Mark's face darken visibly in the rearview mirror. But he doesn't say anything and after a moment, folds himself in beside them and slams the car door loudly. He is broodingly silent all the way back home while Jackson talks loudly and laughs obnoxiously with everyone else except him, making the atmosphere doubly awkward. Every time Jaebum brakes the car at a traffic light, he sees Jinyoung being forced to hug Jackson tightly in the rearview mirror to keep him from falling off his knees. Mark is staring out of the window pretending not to notice them but his clenched jaw and pale face says otherwise.

 

All these complicated things going on in the backseat and the tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife is probably why Jaebum isn't paying as much attention as he should to the road. He's wishing he had given Dabin to Jinyoung and told him to get into the passenger seat when Bambam yells, "Red light, hyung!" and he instinctively slams on the brakes, just in time before they lurch into oncoming traffic and narrowly miss plowing into a car coming from their right.

Bambam's arms are locked tightly around Dabin's body, looking pale and half scared to death, but the others in the backseat were thrown forward by the momentum of the sudden halt. Yugyeom, Youngjae and Mark were blocked by the front seats and headrests but Jackson being in the middle got the brunt of the impact, nearly diving headfirst into the space between the driver and passenger seat but for Jinyoung grabbing him around the waist in time and Mark throwing a strong arm in front of his chest.

They all breathe heavily in silence for a moment, stunned as Jaebum waits for the light to turn green. Mark is the first to speak up, retracting his arm awkwardly and looking embarrassed at his dramatic gesture.

"Are you okay?" he asks Jackson gruffly, voice rough with concern. Jaebum keeps his eyes on the road carefully, muttering remorseful apologies to all of them, and scans his friends in the rearview mirror, petrified eyes lingering on Dabin. Thankfully they all seem shaken but unhurt.

Jackson's eyes widen in his pale face, and he swallows, jerking his chin down in a terse nod. But when he speaks, his voice sounds surprisingly like a sniffle.

"I didn't know... you cared."

The vulnerability and softness in Jackson's voice shocks all of them, because no one has ever heard him sounding anything but brash and confident and loud before. He seems to mean for his words to sound sarcastic, but they come out sounding anything but.

Mark's voice sounds less steady and more shaky than it usually does too, almost inaudible under the rumble of the engine as Jaebum steers the car into motion again.

"I do. More than you know."

 

But Jaebum should've known they wouldn't make up so easily, their problems not so neatly resolved with one sentence. When they get home finally Jackson seems to have softened a little, mollified by Mark's expression of concern but this time Mark is the one who is impassive and closed off as he takes the steps two at a time to his room, disappearing without looking back at Jackson gazing after him forlornly and longingly. Jaebum suspects with consternation that Mark is getting embarrassed and angry at himself as he tends to do after revealing his vulnerable side and emotions and closing himself off to hide his embarrassment.

Mark reappears ten minutes later and they all look up from the living room to see him dressed in more flashy street clothes, hair styled up. Jinyoung asks, eyes wide, "Where are you going, hyung?"

"To a club," he replies casually.

"Aren't you wiped out? We've been walking all day." Youngjae gapes at him.

Mark just shrugs and shoulders on his jacket, turning to walk to the door.

Jackson's jaw is tightly clenched as he remains studiedly silent, but he stands up abruptly just before Mark reaches the front door.

"Where are _you_ going?" Yugyeom demands, and he replies loudly, "Out. Don't wait up for me."

Mark pauses at the door before pulling it open and slamming out, obviously having heard.

 

Ten minutes later, Jackson has left too and the three youngest boys, complaining bitterly about sore legs, had trudged after them doggedly anyway like the responsible dongsaengs they were. Bambam was going to shadow Jackson and Yugyeom and Youngjae had texted Mark to ask where he was, determined to track him down and latch themselves to Mark and Jackson's heels the whole night to stop them from making any stupid mistakes they would regret later just to spite each other like drunk-kissing someone else.

Jinyoung was about to go along with Bambam, but Jaebum had held him back at the last moment, again by calculatedly and cunningly using his daughter as an excuse. As he expected, Jinyoung's eyes softened and he couldn't say no. Jaebum feels ashamed. How long is he going to use his child to tie Jinyoung down. How long can he?

 

After feeding an exhausted Dabin and putting her to bed easily without protest, Jaebum agrees to join Jinyoung for a can of soju on the veranda, justifying to himself that he deserves it after such an eventful day.

One can turns to two as their spirits and words grow loose, Jinyoung's laughter trickling easily from his lips. Soon they've nearly finished the whole six-pack and Jinyoung rattles his can unsteadily, upturning it to tip the last drop into his mouth thirstily.

Jaebum takes pity on him and passes Jinyoung his almost-empty can. Jinyoung flashes him a grateful smile and brings it to his lips immediately.

"I wonder where they are," Jaebum muses. "Man, when are they going to stop fighting and get it through their thick heads that they need to get a room?"

Jinyoung laughs, sounding as bemused as him. He crushes the empty can in his hands and tosses it to the floor with a hollow clinking.

"You think Jackson and Mark hyung are dense." Jinyoung turns to Jaebum, his eyes dark and clouded, his words slurred. "But what about you?"

Jaebum stares at him, blinking slowly in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Jinyoung laughs again, though it sounds mirthless. His eyes bore into Jaebum's, somehow looking profoundly sad in the darkness of the night as he says softly, "Weren't you already perfect enough without a kid? Why did you have to go and be such an amazing father too and make life harder for me?"

Jaebum's heart stutters to a stop at Jinyoung's words. His wide eyes lock with Jinyoung's own impenetrable ones, suddenly feeling completely lucid. He doesn't know how to interpret Jinyoung's words; can't tell whether he's messing around.

His defense mechanism kicks in on autopilot, answering for him. He hears himself replying lightly, sounding jokey, "What about you? Why do you look so damn nice holding my kid? Are you trying to make me fall for you?"

There is a heartbeat where Jinyoung's face freezes, and Jaebum thinks he sees his own heart stop in his eyes. He has no idea why he said what he just said, his heart racing in his ears. But then he thinks of Jinyoung holding Dabin so very gently, looking like he's part angel, looking more perfect with Jaebum's child in his arms than he has any right to be; and Jaebum thinks that maybe these words have been brewing for a longer time than he knows.

"Would you?" Jinyoung's eyes are filled with self-mocking, but so soft that Jaebum's breath catches in his throat as Jinyoung replies unexpectedly. "Fall for me?" His deep voice is quieter than a whisper.

 

The situation has spiralled out of Jaebum's control before he knew it. He is reeling and speechless, trying to grasp for leverage as his alcohol-clouded mind spins wildly. The way Jinyoung is looking at him is making him think with a sinking feeling that this may not be a joke after all. This may be more serious than Jaebum bargained for.

He wants to brush it off as another joke, but something about Jinyoung's eyes tells him it wouldn't be wise. Something tells him to approach with caution. Jaebum inhales sharply, chilly night air sobering him as it enters his lungs.

"What do you mean?" he gasps, voice hoarse. "Jinyoung-ah, what are you saying?" Urgently, he leans forward to pin Jinyoung's elusive eyes, his hands gripping onto his clammy with shock.

Jinyoung just stares back at him, stubbornly silent, looking as if his heart is quietly breaking.

"Jinyoung," Jaebum tries again more firmly, demandingly, his fingers tightening to the point of pain on Jinyoung's. "Do you like me?"

He blushes instinctively the moment he hears the words, the ludicrousness of him saying them to his best friend. Briefly wondering like the day he first found Dabin on his doorstep if this is another bizarre nightmare because nothing makes any sense and his world is being overturned, tilting terrifyingly on its axis.

 

When Jinyoung nods, it looks like it takes everything he has in him. Jaebum almost regrets forcing the admission out of him because Jinyoung looks like it's so excruciating for him, like it tears him apart to tell the truth. His face is a boiling red and his eyes are determinedly averted from Jaebum's, cast down to the floor and tight with shame and regret and fear.

His hands are stiff and ice cold in Jaebum's and he seems to be bracing himself -- for rejection, judgement, anger, or mockery.

But all Jaebum can croak, shell-shocked, is: "Since when...? How long...?"

Jinyoung laughs again, and Jaebum hates how forced it sounds, how terrified and how clearly he can hear the way Jinyoung is hiding his raw and breaking heart behind feigned levity. Acting as if it doesn't matter, as if Jaebum's reaction doesn't mean every single thing to him. How long has Jinyoung had to do this? To hide his true feelings, in pain alone while Jaebum was cluelessly oblivious?

"Since when have I not been able to see anyone but you? How long have I been waiting for you to look at me?" he muses to himself. "Well... not very long, hyung. Just... since..." His brows crease as he seems to be trying to remember the exact date, dig into his memory.

"Honestly, I can't remember anymore," he eventually says with a sad smile. "But it doesn't matter. You were always looking at other things -- first your studies, then girls... and now Dabin. But I was never jealous as long as you were happy. I was always content to watch you quietly from the sidelines, because you looked so beautiful doing the things you loved. But then..." He meets Jaebum's eyes, and his breath hitches. "... I started wanting more."

"I'm sorry." Jaebum is flustered; doesn't know what to say not to let Jinyoung down, to match his intensity. The last thing he wants to do now is to hurt or disappoint Jinyoung in any way. He has been in situations like this before, but he was never so bewildered and lost about what to do and how to react. He has never been in them with a boy; and not just any boy but his best friend. "You're important to me too. You've always been."

"I know." Jinyoung just smiles and shakes his head slightly, as if he expected it. Jaebum's chest is assaulted by a sharp pain. It's hard to get air into his lungs. He might be having a panic attack again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jaebum doesn't know whether he's asking why Jinyoung didn't tell him he's gay, or that he liked Jaebum. He doesn't even know whether Jinyoung is gay, but he obviously likes boys. At least, one boy. Jaebum can't help feeling betrayed that Jinyoung hid it from him, even though he knows he shouldn't. It doesn't make a difference to him whether Jinyoung likes boys. He's still the Jinyoung Jaebum knows. He just feels like Jinyoung hid such a big part of himself from him, as his best friend, when Jaebum had presumed that he knew everything about him. Maybe even the biggest.

Jinyoung looks at his hands tangled in his lap, fingers knotted together tightly. "I was afraid I would lose you," he whispers, and Jaebum sees tears falling from his eyes. Jinyoung raises a rough hand to dash at his eyes, looking mortified. "I was afraid you would look at me differently, treat me differently. It was stupid. I just couldn't bring myself to tell you, all these years."

"It's not stupid," Jaebum says firmly, trying not to let his voice shake though his heart feels like it's ripping apart at Jinyoung's tears, Jinyoung crying over him. Despite how frail he looks on the outside, Jinyoung is usually so strong, the one among them who never cries over anything. Jaebum feels like the worst that Jinyoung is crying because of him. Hurting because of him. "Jinyoung. Look at me."

"Please," he adds desperately, when Jinyoung doesn't.

So many things make sense now, belatedly falling into place. Jinyoung's distance, the withdrawing and the retreating alternated by the approaching closer. The way he seemed to blow hot and cold, to be confused and restraining himself, holding back at times. The inexplicable mounting tension between them, the static electricity sometimes when their skin brushed. Jaebum has always prided himself on being sensitive, though not as much as Jinyoung, but in touch with his emotions and a good judge of others'. How could he have been so blind, towards the person he cared most about, should have paid the most attention to?

He feels so ashamed of his selfishness, his self-absorption, unaware that he was making the person most important to him suffer because of his insensitivity and tactlessness.

Finally, Jinyoung raises his head hesitantly, his eyes looking red-rimmed and lashes spiked wetly. He looks tired, shadows under his eyes. Jaebum wonders how he never noticed how tired Jinyoung looks when he looks at Jaebum. How longing.

Jaebum takes a deep breath. "Why do you like me?" he asks gently, not wanting to wound Jinyoung further but still trying to make sense of the situation, to wrap his head around the devastating discovery just dropped on him.

Jinyoung smiles a little finally, seeming to relax slightly for the first time, seeming relieved Jaebum didn't close up, get upset or run away screaming but is still speaking to him kindly. He seems to warm towards the subject, even a little eagerly, making Jaebum's heart go out to him.

"I like you because..." Jinyoung starts carefully, shyly, "You like to act cold, and people think you're cold... but I know better than anyone how warm you really are inside."

Jaebum's eyes widen, his throat drying up.

"I like you because you're complicated. Because you're incredibly smart. You have so many layers... but ultimately you're a nice person. A really nice person." He looks up at Jaebum bashfully, heart scrawled across his eyes. Jaebum gulps. "And, as it turns out... the best father in the world," Jinyoung finishes softly. "You know... all the guys were surprised by what a passionate father you are. But I'm not. I never doubted you would be very loving to your children."

"Also," he adds, almost as an afterthought. "You're really attractive. Come on, hyung. You can't not know how gorgeous you are."

Is Jinyoung... teasing him? Jaebum's mouth is agape, jaw hanging unhinged. He never knew Jinyoung could make him lose the power of speech like this. In the past ten years, Jinyoung has never managed to strike him dumb for so long. To shake his heart up so violently.

 

"Remember you asked me why I decided to accept Dabin?" Jinyoung continues unexpectedly.

Jaebum nods mutely. He didn't even know Jinyoung still remembered.

Jinyoung smiles his bittersweet smile.

"The question is, how could I _not_ love her... when she's _your_ child?"

The helplessness and hopelessness in Jinyoung's eyes is almost too much to bear. Jaebum still doesn't know what to say, to do. He's still flat on his metaphorical back on the floor, unable to recover from how big a blow this revelation is, unable to process the implications and get a hold on his own convoluted feelings.

 

He feels a fierce welling of gratitude when Jinyoung mercifully takes control of the situation, but unsurprised at the same time, strongly aware of how Jinyoung is always coming to his rescue in every situation with empathy and sympathy and understanding, relieving his burden and taking it quietly onto his own slim shoulders.

"I don't expect a response or anything else from you, even though you know now. I know you have a lot on your plate right now," he says quietly and apologetically. "That was why I tried harder than ever to hide it. But..." he pauses, managing a small smile. "It wasn't as bad as I thought. Thank you... for accepting me."

"What are you talking about?" Jaebum blurts out, hearing a reproachful tone in his voice. "How could I _not_ accept you? Just like the way you accepted Dabin for me, how could I not accept anything about you, Jinyoung-ah?" He feels his temper surging and tries to keep it in check, the helplessness of his heart splintering at thinking of how much Jinyoung has been suffering in silence making him feel frustrated.

Even though by now, Jinyoung is used to the random spikes of his temper and swings of his mood, he still looks taken aback by Jaebum's heated words, then deeply moved. His eyes grow misty.

"Thank you, Jaebum hyung," he repeats meaningfully. He looks like he wants to reach out to touch Jaebum's hand in gratitude, but restrains himself just in time. Jaebum's stomach clenches at the awkwardness tightening Jinyoung's features.

"If you don't mind..." Jinyoung continues meekly, "We can just forget about everything I said today, and go on with our life. I don't want you to feel pressured or uncomfortable around me."

 _What if I don't want to forget?_ Jaebum feels like screaming, but he keeps his lips clamped shut, head churning like a battlefield.

"No matter how you feel about me..." Jinyoung says with finality, as if trying to sum this crazy night up neatly, "I just want you to know that I'm so glad I met you, hyung. Being with you... made the past nine years of my life so happy."


	6. Chapter 6

Jaebum opens his eyes in bed to the piercing late morning rays the next day, groaning and shielding his eyes as he sits up in bed disorientedly. His head is throbbing with an awful hangover and in that first moment when the events of the previous night flood back into his mind he's still half-unsure if they were a dream.

The day had started off as uneventfully as any other, with no forewarning of how it would end: the zoo; Mark and Jackson quarreling then leaving the house; him and Jinyoung being left alone; getting drunker than they prepared for; the unexpected revelation and confession he had pried out from his best friend.

His first thought is urgently, wondering where Jinyoung is. Is he all right, safely sleeping in his room too? Did he manage to fall asleep or had he lain awake all night thinking, regretting, worrying about how Jaebum would react when he was sober? Did he cry again? Does he have a horrible hangover now as well, having drunk more than Jaebum? He finds himself worrying more than usual for Jinyoung, a tender aching somewhere deep in his chest.

Although Jinyoung's face had been carefully blank the previous nights after he said his final words to Jaebum, Jaebum knew him too well to fall for it. He could see that Jinyoung was panicking, wishing he could take back his words, worrying that he had slipped up and made a stupid drunk mistake that would ruin their friendship forever. Despite his outward semblance of composure, Jaebum could tell that Jinyoung was inwardly freaking out. He looked like a frightened, bedraggled kitten about to bolt.

So he wisely kept his own mouth shut, not expressing the millions of racing thoughts crashing around his head like debris in a hurricane. He fully plans to give Jinyoung an answer, or some sort of closure so he can resolve his feelings even though he said he didn't expect one, but he wanted to wait until he was sober so the words would come out right. The last thing he wants now is to hurt Jinyoung further by clumsy accident. The alcohol had seemed to hit him all at once and he could barely talk without slurring so he was relieved when Jinyoung suggested they end the night and turn in.

 

Jaebum stumbles out of bed and out of his room to the bathroom, casting a fretful glance towards Jinyoung's closed door but restraining himself from going to knock on it before a quick tooth-brushing and wash of his face. Maybe a spritz of cologne too because he reeks of stale soju. He feels the absurd need to be presentable for the first time even though it's just his best friend who has seen him in all manner of dishevelment and at his worst.

In the bathroom, Jaebum plasters more mousse than necessary over his hair and runs a comb compulsively through it, trying to tame the cowlicks. He critically studies his face in the mirror for the first time in too long. Not that he's a slob -- he had always paid attention to his looks and grooming, before Dabin came along and his appearance ended up falling by the wayside, paling in importance to his parental duties.

He trails absent fingers over his stubble and thinks of Jinyoung calling him gorgeous last night. In the mirror, his face pinkens a shade. He had never known Jinyoung noticed his looks, was watching him appraisingly and paying attention even when Jaebum was mostly in his most unglamorous state around him.

He ends up taking more time than usual to finish his morning washing-up ritual and jumps at a rapping on the bathroom door.

"Jaebum hyung, is that you inside? What the hell are you doing; do you have constipation or are you wanking?" Jackson's impatient voice filters in, muffled by the door but still way too loud. Jaebum winces. God, if Jinyoung heard he's going to strangle Jackson with his bare hands --

He flings open the door irritably a second later, hoping his face isn't suspiciously red because then Jackson would think he had hit the nail on the head with his masturbating guess.

Jackson looks incredulous, wrinkling his nose. "You smell like a perfume shop. What on earth were you doing in there?"

Jaebum is about to tell him to mind his own business, in less polite terms, when he sees Jinyoung's door squeaking open hesitantly less than a metre away. The look on his face is mortified. If he didn't hear the first statement, he definitely heard the second. Jaebum panics, shoving past Jackson without replying to hightail it to his room so that he can change into new clothes and hopefully smell a little less drenched in cologne.

He brushes past Jinyoung without remark or lingering, but manages to run his eyes in a quick sweep from Jinyoung's head to toes, relieved to see he looks unkempt and a little worse for wear but none less okay than usual.

 

Despite how awkward he inadvertently feels, Jaebum is determined not to avoid Jinyoung or react in any way that would make him feel bad about his confession. He doesn't want Jinyoung to feel ashamed or embarrassed or humiliated, or that he has to tiptoe around Jaebum after baring his heart to him. He feels awkward not because he's uncomfortable with the discovery but because he's become inexplicably self-conscious of himself, suddenly hyperaware that Jinyoung sees him that way. He has never seen Jinyoung as a romantic love interest, which is why Jaebum could be so comfortable around him, not caring about ruining his image, burping and farting and discussing gross bodily functions like his bowels freely.

He dreads and doesn't know if they will be able to hide it from their perceptive (or in less kind terms, nosy) friends, but thankfully this morning they are all distracted by Mark and Jackson entering the kitchen hand-in-hand, blushing shyly and looking like a pair of boyfies.

Upon wringing out the details from the three youngest boys they find out that "miraculously", Mark and Jackson had ended up meeting at the same club last night after leaving the house separately. The romantic fatefulness of this unexpected meeting had been enough to dissolve their anger and convince them they were meant to be.

(And if any of this had to do with the maknaes' clever matchmaking expertise or Yugyeom texting Bambam where Mark was and Bambam slickly convincing Jackson to head there without him knowing he was being influenced; all their lips were sealed. No one wanted to stir up trouble in paradise.)

Jaebum hears Jinyoung's familiar laugh as he can't contain his mirth; Jackson and Mark blushing furiously but not embarrassed enough to get out of each other's laps, and feels his heart jolt. He sneaks a glance in Jinyoung's direction, turning his head slightly to see Jinyoung furtively peeking at him at the exact same instant. They both look away, but not before Jaebum sees Jinyoung's ears colour. So Jinyoung remembers everything that happened last night too.

Jaebum feels inordinately relieved.

 

For the next few days, Jaebum drifts through his classes and life in a daze. _Jinyoung likes him_. His best friend, Park Jinyoung, is attracted to him. The thought keeps playing over in his head like a broken tape on loop and no matter how far his mind manages to wander, it always unfailingly comes back to this point. It's such an abstract feeling but just like Dabin's existence in the first few days she had come to live with them, he is always intensely aware of its reality.

He finds himself spending hours thinking of this topic, seeming to want to reach into himself and find an elusive feeling, grope for his own heart. His mind drifts off on tangents, many things making sense now. The way Jinyoung had gone out with girls who picked him up sometimes but never dated anyone seriously, and Jaebum had occasionally wondered why but figured it was because he hadn't met the right person yet. He was content not to question it further, liking the fact that his best friend was always available for him for some reason and never attached in particular to anyone. Now, he realises that this isn't exactly a normal mindset for a platonic friend, and more than a little selfish.

The way when they were talking about first loves once and Jaebum was detailing his entire history of crushes from Jiyeon in first grade to Seungah who was his first kiss in high school but Jinyoung was oddly silent and when Jaebum had asked him with offhanded curiousness who his first love was, Jinyoung had replied cavalierly, "It's a secret."

He winked at Jaebum and Jaebum got pissy for a while because Jinyoung was supposed to tell him all his secrets. He hadn't even known that Jinyoung had crushed on anybody yet back then. But Jinyoung refused to spill this one no matter how much he wheedled and eventually Jaebum had to give up and it was forgotten.

 

There's no doubt in Jaebum's mind that he loves Jinyoung. But what he's uncertain of is -- is it the romantic or platonic kind of love?

Jaebum doesn't want to hurt Jinyoung, especially _because_ he's his best friend. He vows to treat Jinyoung with care from now on, no longer neglecting or being oblivious to his feelings. Jaebum knows better than anyone how fragile Jinyoung is. He's so precious, so sacred to Jaebum. He deserves more than someone who is just reciprocating his feelings just to please him or make him happy, going along with the flow. He deserves someone who truly loves him from the bottom of their heart, every bit as much as he loves them.

Jaebum has always felt that Jinyoung deserves the moon and more, privately disapproving of most of the people Jinyoung dated, feeling irrationally that they were unworthy of him. He thought he was just being an overprotective best friend, that it was normal like the way Jinyoung would try and fail to hide his disappointment when Jaebum was in a relationship and put it above their friendship for a time, although he never said anything verbally or asked Jaebum to choose between him and his girlfriends. But now, Jaebum wonders if it's more unnatural.

 

He arrives home one afternoon for his shift to take care of Dabin and finds Jinyoung in his room, looking like he's right at home. Jaebum pauses at the door with his new awkwardness and apprehension, wiping his suddenly clammy hands on his pants and clearing his throat so his voice won't sound squeaky, running a nervous hand through his hair.

Jinyoung is sitting there, already flawless as he is without a hair out of place even without having to do any tidying up. He looks punishingly perfect and Jaebum feels it in his chest as Jinyoung looks up, startled, straight at him.

He isn't prepared for the pang that lances through his chest and robs him of breath for a moment. It makes him draw in a sharp but silent inhale, and swiftly lower his head in panic to keep Jinyoung from noticing. It isn't fair, Jaebum can't help thinking sometimes. Jinyoung has had years to get used to acting natural around Jaebum after realising his feelings, but Jaebum hasn't even had a chance to get himself under control and learn to school his emotions under a calm mask.

It feels like he's seeing Jinyoung anew, in ways Jaebum had never thought Jinyoung could still fascinate or surprise him after knowing each other for so long, knowing each other as well as the back of his own hand he used to think. But just like the way Jaebum would naturally see a girl in a different and more evaluating light after she confessed to him, Jinyoung is no exception.

Jaebum doesn't want to look at Jinyoung through these eyes, which make him feel dirty and embarrassed for some reason. But he can't help it. Can't help following Jinyoung's actions with the thought resonating around his head: _This could all belong to me if I wanted it_.

 

With the thoughts careening around his head, it's no wonder he doesn't notice Jinyoung getting up from his seat beside Dabin's cot and warily approaching him.

He says Jaebum's name and Jaebum jumps out of his reverie to see Jinyoung standing closer than he has been in a while to him. He resists the urge to back away. He had sworn that he wouldn't act uncomfortable or make Jinyoung think he was discomfited by his confession but Jaebum can't keep himself and his actions under control for the first time.

Thankfully Jinyoung seems to be more understanding than Jaebum gave him credit for, knowing that Jaebum has no intention to hurt him and not taking his reactions and jitters too personally or interpreting them too sensitively. He should've known Jinyoung isn't his best friend for nothing, Jaebum thinks with relief as Jinyoung gives him a reassuring smile and doesn't move closer into his personal space.

But he is caught off guard when Jinyoung says, "Nothing's going to change, you know." He sounds ironically amused.

"What do you mean?" Jaebum asks tentatively, studying Jinyoung closely.

"I meant what I said that night, if you remember," Jinyoung replies, sounding calm and measured. "That I hope we can pretend it never happened."

"I remember everything," Jaebum says sharply. "And I'm sorry, Jinyoungie, but it doesn't work that way. You can't expect to spring such a big bombshell on me and then ask me to forget it. Pardon me if I'm not as good as hiding my emotions as you."

He belatedly hears how callous, harsh and curt his words sounded, sees it in Jinyoung's injured face, and winces himself in pain. It had all come out wrong because he was hiding his frustration behind sarcasm -- his frustration at Jinyoung for being able to be so collected while Jaebum is undone, and his frustration at himself for not being able to untangle the mess of his feelings. When he knows that as always, Jinyoung is just putting him first and being considerate of how to make things easiest for Jaebum. That if there's anyone in the more vulnerable position here, it's Jinyoung.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice softening. "I'm not angry at you. At least, not for the reasons you think. I'm angry at myself for being so thick-headed. I'm angry that you never shared this with me when we promised each other to share everything, and I shared all my troubles with you."

You helped me to get through so many tough times," he adds when Jinyoung is silent. "Why didn't you let me do the same for you?"

"Because..." Jinyoung starts, but doesn't continue. But this time, Jaebum's new enlightened senses can hear the unsaid words loud and clear. Read them in Jinyoung's impossibly soft and shimmering eyes. _Because I love you_.

 

Jaebum swallows, and before he knows it he's the one stepping forward and taking Jinyoung's hands for the first time since that night, when previously they had unconsciously and naturally engaged in skinship every day. He's so close, so attuned to Jinyoung's pattern of breathing that he can hear the little hitch of breath in Jinyoung's throat when their skin brushes, hotter and more static than before. It almost sounds like a sigh of bliss to his traitorous ears. Or maybe he's the one sighing at how much like returning home it feels.

"I know I haven't been very good at expressing myself since... well, forever," he says softly, earnestly looking into Jinyoung's round eyes and forcing himself not to break eye contact. "But I really hope you know... that there's no me without you."

 

After that, they thankfully become a lot less awkward. On that afternoon, Jaebum had found the way Jinyoung lit up effortlessly at his words breathtaking. As in, it literally took his breath away for a second. He felt even more like a douche, though, paranoid that he was leading Jinyoung with his careless words when Jaebum is aware how susceptible he is. He used to love how easily he could make Jinyoung smile. Now, he kind of hates it.

Or maybe he just hates himself for it. If only Jinyoung wouldn't be so easily pleased, would be less enamoured with him. If only Jinyoung could see every single one of his flaws, as clearly as Jaebum sees them. But Jaebum has the sinking feeling that Jinyoung _does_ see them, and loves him the more for it.

 

His heart skips a sickening beat one day in class when he checks his phone under the table for the final time just before one of his important final exams start. There is a text from Jackson which just reads: "dabin sick. took her to hospital".

He hadn't even known he could run so fast. But his feet seem to have sprouted wings as he dashes out of class past his stunned classmates and examiner and down the corridor, unseeing and unhearing. He blindly and rudely pushes past people without even the time to turn and call back an apology, his heart hammering in his ears.

He is going to take a taxi but decides at the last minute that he can't take the risk of not being able to get one as its currently the lunchtime rush hour. When he skids to a halt outside the open doorway of Mark's class, bending to catch his breath with his hands on his knees, he doesn't even have time to straighten up and motion to Mark to come out before he has slid his books and notes into his bag and is descending the steps of the lecture theatre at a rapid clip, eyes tight with anxiety on Jaebum.

Mark exchanges a few low words with his professor, making his excuses with far more courtesy and composure than Jaebum. Thankfully he's not in the middle of an exam too or Jaebum would be guilt-stricken.

"Dabin?" Mark asks as soon as he's out of the class, hand moving reassuringly to Jaebum's shoulder, and Jaebum nods near tears. They immediately start striding briskly, not wasting a minute.

"I don't know what's wrong. Jackson just texted to say he took her to the hospital."

Mark immediately dials Jackson on his own phone and passes it to Jaebum as they arrive at the parking lot and he slides into the driver's seat of his car. Without further ado he revs up the ignition and then they are speeding out onto the main road in the direction of the hospital.

Jackson answers after a lot of nervous drumming of his fingers on his knee. He sounds breathless and frazzled.

"Babe?"

"It's me, Jaebum," Jaebum quickly says before Jackson continues on the assumption that he's Mark.

"Oh, um, wait, what?" Jackson sounds flustered and embarrassed. "Why do you have Mark hyung's phone?"

"He's taking me to the hospital," Jaebum replies sheepishly, distracted. "But wait, what happened to Dabin? Where is she sick?" Mark turns to shoot him a soothing look and he realises how quickly and garbled he's speaking.

"Ah... it's okay, hyung. The doctor said it's just a common cold. Nothing to worry about; we collected her meds and she's waiting to be discharged as an outpatient." Jackson sounds chastised by the fright obvious in his voice. "Sorry, I think I overreacted because she was having a slight fever. I shouldn't have alarmed you. Hold on, don't you have a final paper today?"

"It's okay." Jaebum can barely hear his relieved voice over his still-racing pulse. "You were right to be cautious. Fevers can be serious for babies. Text me the ward number and floor, Jackson-ah. We're coming."

Mark puts his foot down on the accelerator.

 

When they arrive in the sterile and whitewashed halls of the hospital, Jaebum makes another mad dash for the ward although Jackson had reassured him. He can't lay his mind to rest until he has personally seen with his own eyes that Dabin is okay. Mark follows behind him, trying to keep up.

He is surprised to see Jinyoung in the ward along with Jackson and Dabin, both of them flanking her bed like guardian angels where she is awake but looking weak as a kitten. Mark immediately walks forward quietly and puts his arms around Jackson, who melts into them in obvious relief.

Jinyoung's eyes widen when he sees Jaebum. "Hyung, don't you have an examination today?"

"It's okay," he mumbles again, walking closer to the bed, heart clenching at his daughter looking frail and pale, tiny in the ocean of sheets.

"It's not okay! If you fail this paper, you'll have to retake the entire subject next year." Jinyoung looks aghast.

"It doesn't matter, Jinyoungie. It's too late anyway." The implications of him walking out on the final only just then truly hit him, but he doesn't regret prioritizing his child over his studies. Dabin will always be more important than anything else, including school, for him and that's the way it is.

Jackson looks guilt-stricken. He apologises again and reiterates that he shouldn't have texted Jaebum, but Jaebum insists that he did the right thing.

Jaebum tries to reach for Dabin, but Jinyoung grabs his shoulders. "Hyung, you have to go back now and explain it to the examiner. Ask for a second chance."

"B-but... then I'd have to tell them about Dabin!"

"There's no choice," Jinyoung says firmly and grimly. "There's nothing to be afraid of; you didn't do anything wrong, hyung. We'll back you up if we have to." He looks at Jackson and Mark who nod supportively.

"Let's go," Jinyoung says, taking his hand gently. "Jackson and Mark hyung can stay to take Dabin home. I'll fetch you back to the university." Mark nods in approval, tossing Jinyoung his keys.

Jaebum lets himself be ushered out in a reluctant daze, then stops in the doorway. "No, Mark needs the car to take Dabin home!"

They only manage to reassure him to take it after a few minutes of persuasion and Jackson and Mark agreeing to remain in the hospital until Jaebum and Jinyoung have talked to the examiner and Jinyoung can drive back to pick all of them up if he allows Jaebum to retake the exam.

It's only at the end of the day that Jaebum realises how well Jinyoung knows him; and how thankful he feels towards Jinyoung. Even when Jaebum didn't know, Jinyoung had been clear how much Jaebum would have regretted missing the final which he studied like a mule for and having to retake the same subject next year and probably be bored to tears. Listening to a much-healthier Dabin snuffling contentedly in her cot near him, Jaebum closes his eyes against the grateful prickle of tears and relief.

 

In the end, despite everything that happened, it's a huge relief that he does well in the paper and passes the subject without it making a black mark in his year-end results of all As. School ends for the year on a festive mood with the successive holidays of Christmas and New Year. Youngjae's family's dog, Coco, comes to their frat house to stay for a week because his parents are going on a vacation. Dabin promptly falls into a passionate love affair with the impossibly adorable puppy and spends the entire day playing with her tirelessly.

Even though she's growing older and more independent, less defenseless, it seems like as time passes the seven boys' hearts are only more enslaved by her and not less. In fact, as she gets more cheeky and learns to speak more words, they only become more her manservants as she orders them around imperiously with her angelic smile no one can deny.

Even just a simple and plain activity like staying at home to play with Coco during the holiday season becomes a bonding activity for all of them to draw together and get closer to each other, building their team spirit. It's all because of his six friends that Jaebum is having such fun being a father, instead of the duty being a chore, and he is well aware that he owes it to them for being his faithful and trusty entourage as he navigates the uncharted travails of parenthood.

 

Dabin wakes him on his birthday in an adorable kitten onesie, and he groggily blinks open his eyes to the other six boys entering his room singing the birthday song and bearing a cake in matching animal ones. His birthday presents for his twenty-third birthday are strikingly more... dad-themed than those he received for his twenty-second; with Yugyeom and Youngjae giving him a _Superdad_ mug and Bambam a cheesy bright-coloured custom-made shirt that reads in giant letters "DABIN'S DAD". Jaebum blinks, a tear in his eye. "These are perfect," he gushes.

Mark and Jackson seem to think their gift of a box of "extra-protection, extra-lubed" bubblegum-flavoured condoms is immensely witty and hilarious, collapsing in juvenile hysterics and high-fiving each other. "Ha ha, very funny," Jaebum grouches grumpily, feeling too buoyant to take offense. He accidentally meets Jinyoung's eyes while stuffing the box into his nightstand and blushes.

Jinyoung smiles mysteriously as he promises to give Jaebum his present later. "Ooh, in private?" Jackson teases, wiggling his eyebrows, and Jaebum is so outraged he throws a glob of cake at him.

Jackson's eyes widen to saucers for a second as he freezes with cake dripping down his face. Then --

"Food fight!!!" Bambam yells in glee, jumping onto Jaebum's bed and nearly springing him off as Jackson grabs another handful of his cake with his hand and hurls it viciously in Jaebum's direction. " _Baobei_ , help me!" he commands Mark, and Mark shrugs helplessly at Jaebum, an evil smirk appearing on his face as he throws a huge handful of cream in Jaebum's face with remarkable aim. Thankfully Jinyoung leaps in front of Jaebum in the nick of time and it lands on his chest instead. After a while it's only Jaebum, Jinyoung, Bambam and Dabin left playing as Mark and Jackson lick cream off each other's faces, one second away from making out in public while Yugyeom and Youngjae lovingly feed each other cake blind to the world.

 

After yet another while more its only Bambam and Dabin playing, his usual boyishly rough playfulness softened in the touching way Dabin brings out all of their gentlest sides effortlessly. Winded and breathless with laughter, Jinyoung has fetched a damp washcloth from the bathroom and is carefully dabbing at Jaebum's face trying to clean most of the cake and cream away. He looks excruciatingly adorable in his puppy onesie, the hood slipping off his perspiration-matted hair and his eyes bright with exertion and endearingly serious in his flushed face.

"Are you going to give me my present now?" Jaebum teases, secretly a little eagerly looking forward to what Jinyoung has prepared for him. Not that he's biased in any way but Jinyoung gives him the most fantastic presents every year, has surprised him pleasantly without fail for the last decade.

"Oh, right." Jinyoung blushes and seems to remember, reaching into his pocket and shyly producing a Polaroid picture. Jaebum takes it, their fingers brushing and leans forward to study it in excitement. It seems to be taken in his room, in his bed, with him and Dabin sleeping curled into each other like a father bear and baby cub. It's skilfully taken and quietly gorgeous, the lighting and contrast perfect even in the hazy orange lamplight of his bedside lamp only. It's obviously lovingly taken by someone very close to both subjects in the picture, framed with warmth.

"I know it's not much --" Jinyoung starts in embarrassment, but Jaebum breathes, "It's perfect. When did you take it?"

Jinyoung looks surprised by the way his voice is thick and hoarse with emotion, and blushes with pleasure at Jaebum's obvious happiness.

"On that night we fell asleep reading Dabin a bedtime story. Remember?"

Of course he does.

Jaebum nods shakily, throat closing. He hadn't known that Jinyoung had taken a picture of that night, that he had found that moment precious enough to want to commemorate it. That even so far back then, Jinyoung was already paying so much loving attention to Jaebum and his child; Jaebum and everything about him. He wonders what Jinyoung had been thinking as he silently snapped the photograph while both Jaebum and Dabin slept, unaware. How Jinyoung had looked as he gazed down at them. For a moment, Jaebum wants more fiercely than anything to see Jinyoung's vulnerable expression when he looks at Jaebum when he isn't looking. He wishes he could have a Polaroid of _that_. He would keep it in his wallet and look at it every day without tiring.

 

"You don't have to keep looking at it," Jinyoung says later that night, blushing again. They are in the veranda clinking beers and murmuring _Cheers_ , the first time they have returned to sit together since the night they were both drunk.

"I can't help it," Jaebum says honestly, smiling in embarrassment too as he carefully keeps it back into his pocket. "It's so beautiful. Maybe you should become a photographer."

Jinyoung smiles, sphinxlike. "Maybe."

Jaebum thinks of Jinyoung taking pictures of other people, other guys or girls. Would he take them as tenderly as he did Jaebum and his daughter? Would their hearts be moved by Jinyoung's loving touch too? He feels a momentary disorienting jab in his ribcage.

"You can really see the resemblance between you and Dabin in the photo," Jinyoung remarks, bringing him back to earth.

Once upon a time, such a remark would have scared the pants off Jaebum, but now it makes pride glow warm in his chest. "Really? How so?" he prompts, unabashedly fishing for compliments, for evidence of their relation.

Jinyoung tilts his head, eyes thoughtful. "It's the smile," he concludes. "She smiles with her eyes too. She's as cute as you."

Jaebum is flustered by Jinyoung's smooth, unassuming compliment. He hides his face behind his bottle in a lengthy gulp.

But Jinyoung doesn't seem to notice his discomfort, continuing, "That's not the only way you're similar. Just like you, she's stubborn, brave... kind." His eyes soften into his own eye smile.

 

Despite the slight awkwardness, Jaebum truly feels so thankful and relieved that they have regained a measure of the comfortableness of their friendship, and have come so far from that night that they can sit in peaceful familiarity and easy companionship now and discuss Jinyoung's feelings calmly.

For the first time, he is bold enough to ask, "When did you really start liking me?"

It's a question he realises he has been on his mind ever since he found out about Jinyoung's feelings. He just feels the need to know how long Jinyoung has been nursing his crush, to rationalize if only to himself why he never noticed or realised the way Jinyoung looked at him. So he can feel less guilty, less irresponsible. He never got a direct answer the first time, so the mystery still lingers in his mind: How many years has Jinyoung loved him?

Jinyoung's eyes widen slightly at his question, obviously taking him by surprise. But to his credit he considers it seriously, before answering, cocking his head and looking lost in thought.

Eventually, he replies: "To tell the truth, I'm not sure, hyung. From my humble experience, what I've learnt is that love is not so much of a discovery when you wake up one morning, than a constant process of trying to fight feelings that consume you, but being brought to your knees time and time again by how strong you didn't know they were."

Jaebum winces a little at Jinyoung's description. He doesn't think he's been in true love before but he doesn't think it's supposed to sound that painful or agonizing. He definitely hasn't been in unrequited love before but from the books he reads he knows its the most exquisite pain. It hurts that he's the one who unwittingly inflicted this on Jinyoung. But that's all the more reason why he shouldn't enter into a relationship with Jinyoung brashly and with only half-hearted feelings before he manages to ascertain his own heart.

Jinyoung is continuing in his silence, unaware of his thoughts.

"Was it at fifteen, when you made up that nickname only you call me by -- _Jirongie_?

Or sixteen, when you defended me from the bullies at school, even though you ended up getting beaten till you were bruised and bleeding yourself?"

Or was it at seventeen, when I saw you cry for the first time, but not because of yourself but because you were so worried about me falling off my bicycle?"

Or at eighteen, when you stayed over at my house late into the night to coach me for the college entrance exams, looking so mature and unattainable with your glasses and patience?"

Or at nineteen, when you quarreled and eventually broke up with Seungah noona because she complained you were spending more time with me than her?"

Or actually, I think it was at twenty, when I had my first wet dream of you --"

"Whoa, hold on, what, you had a wet dream of me? You _have_ wet dreams of me?" Jaebum's voice sounds unnaturally high-pitched.

Jinyoung bites his lip sheepishly, his ears red as a lobster.

"Okay, never mind, don't answer that," Jaebum babbles hastily to fill the pregnant silence.

But Jinyoung looks up at him, seeming amused and a little defiantly embarrassed.

"Of course, hyung. We're already adult men," he says a little patronizingly. "It's normal to have physical desires when we're attracted to someone. Don't act like you don't know... I think of you that way."

Jaebum gulps. Of course, he's no innocent and he did know. He was just avoiding thinking about it. Despite their close friendship, they had never really discussed masturbation or porn with each other and he had deliberately tried not to picture Jinyoung jerking off or waking up with his underwear sticky even though he knew he must do it too like himself, because Jinyoung just seemed too innocent for him to defile mentally in that manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i had to repost the last chapter because idk why there was some problem with the post D: so i hope my commenters don't mind me replying their comments here since i don't have any other place to leave this haha
> 
> @ iHeartDO: haha aww sorry for the cliffhanger i didnt know it was so suspenseful but i hope it wasn't too painful a wait since this update was pretty quick haha thank u for reading and leaving kudos earlier and commenting!
> 
> dell_x: omg thank you so much for your 2 comments on this chap and the last even though i didnt reply TT im so pleased and amused that you like marks car as much as me and its so cute you keep mentioning it ngl rich!mark is so daddy esp to jackson hahaha. i really appreciate you commenting so enthusiastically about the markson i love it when some readers like my side pairings as much as the main its like the readers who always noticed the jjp in tea lights :3
> 
> princejinyoung: hahaha no need to say more AAHHHH is the greatest compliment i could ever receive!!!
> 
> wonwoozi: thank you for leaving me such a sweet comment again aww ikr he will def realise his feelings soon enough and make up for his denseness! sobs you are too sweet to find every part of this fic so precious
> 
> iflashbaek: thank you for noticing those lines and screaming ;A; and being excited about the markson too!!
> 
> 7cm: omg this means so much to me coming from you and im so flattered you read this because i love your jjp fics!! ;u; im incredibly happy you liked the fam dynamics and dabin and found it so sweet and heartwarming sobs
> 
> jjpfanatic: you're right that he can't last another day without jy haha and also i forgot to mention i saw your bookmark too you are so biased ilu T.T
> 
> cutekyunnie: thank you so much for reading and commenting on this fic even though i didnt reply your beautiful comment on my jackbum and i know it took some time indeed for them to realise their feelings hahaha. i totally know what you mean, at times when im writing too it feels like jaebums fatherly passion is getting a little unrealistic but at the same time i can genuinely picture him and all of them becoming really devoted dads to their children when they grow up because they're all really warm people! xD
> 
> avrilao: wow 3 loves is a lot THANK YOU its such an honour to tea lights to be the first got7 fic you loved and it means a lot because this is like the jjp version of tea lights to me as in bc its my longest jjp chaptered fic and a similar genre :)
> 
> floumingoharry: aww im so happy ur enjoying this and it makes u emotional jjp x babies makes me emo too and ikr they would be the best and most ideal parents ever pls adopt me ty
> 
> NoonaB: gosh ur comment made my heart squeal its such a big compliment that u find this one of the sweetest u've read in the ouvre and yes domestic jjp is my weakness too and im so glad u like the slow gentle build up bc i love it as well and it suits jjp so well!


	7. Chapter 7

As far as he's concerned, this conversation about wet dreams has gone on far too long for his comfort. He's happy that Jinyoung is no longer trying to pretend the confession never happened, but this is something he never prepared for. So even though privately he feels morbidly curious about what kind of wet dreams Jinyoung had about him, what they were doing in them, he clears his throat awkwardly and changes the subject.

"I'm glad... we can talk about this openly. And I want you to know... that I'm still thinking about what you said." He lowers his eyes in embarrassment as Jinyoung looks up sharply, his own eyes widening.

"I told you you didn't have to take it seriously, hyung." Jinyoung sounds exasperated and embarrassed too. "I don't want you to lose sleep over it. I only agreed not to avoid the issue because you asked me not to, but that doesn't mean I'm hoping for anything from you."

For some reason, Jinyoung's dull and dismissive words, the implication that he has given up hope, makes Jaebum feel depressingly bleak.

"Well, then, since you're not hoping for anything, does that mean you no longer feel anything for me?" His words come out sharper than he intended and he feels his pulse picking up as he intently studies Jinyoung, waiting for his answer.

Jinyoung's silence, the blush on his lowered face makes Jaebum feel relieved and triumphant.

"Do you want me to?" He eventually looks up, his voice challenging but eyes oddly vulnerable. It sounds like a test Jaebum doesn't know the right answer to.

But his instinct seems to take over and answer for him and he sees the incomprehensible relief tightening his chest mirrored in Jinyoung's transparent eyes.

"It was one thing when I didn't know, but now that I do, do you think I'm going to let you go on suffering because of me?" Jaebum bulldozes on, emboldened and not entirely sure what he's saying except that he feels pent-up, repressed. Worried Jinyoung's heart will change before he manages to fumble for his own. Wanting, illogically, for them to decide together either to both let go or hold on so no one will be hurt in the end.

Jinyoung looks slightly incredulous at his words, tossing his head with sass. "You're not _letting_ me do anything, hyung. The heart is mine. I decide who I want to give it to." He sounds darkly amused by Jaebum's presumptousness, rebelliously firm and Jaebum flushes, chastised when he hears his own words.

"I didn't mean that," he amends, mollified. "I just meant -- like the way you don't want me to be bothered over this, I can't stand the thought of you hurting too."

Jinyoung's eyes soften at his explanation, bristling indignation melting. But he stands his ground and says unyieldingly in a soft voice, "Are you going to reciprocate my feelings because you pity me, then?"

Jaebum inhales sharply at the word, rendered speechless partially by the resignation in Jinyoung's face and also by the memory of how he has felt lately, trying to keep Jinyoung at home by using his daughter as an excuse. He had no idea Jinyoung was worried about being pitied by Jaebum too. He thought he was the only one worried about taking advantage of Jinyoung's sympathy.

"I know how soft-hearted you are, especially to me, hyung. And I know you would do virtually anything to make me happy." Jinyoung meets his eyes with years of quiet mutual understanding. "That was why I didn't want to put you in a position where you had to make a difficult choice, if you didn't already feel the same way about me."

Jaebum is quietened by the reason in Jinyoung's words, now that he has expressed his point of view. He might finally understand why Jinyoung never told him. But he also feels that even if he hadn't realised romantic feelings for Jinyoung before Jinyoung confessed, it doesn't rule out the possibility of him uncovering or developing them now.

For a brief, fleeting instant, Jaebum entertains the traitorous thought of how much easier it would be if Jinyoung were a girl. He most certainly likes JInyoung more than he has any of his girlfriends, and he has started dating girls whom he liked much less than Jinyoung based on lesser reasons and with less angst than this. If Jinyoung had been a girl who confessed to him, Jaebum wouldn't have thought twice about accepting him.

But almost immediately, he realises the error of his thought. Because he simply can't imagine Jinyoung as a girl, Jinyoung not being his best friend. These facets of his identity are too closely tied with who he is and what he means to Jaebum for him to carelessly wish them away. In fact, he would go so far as to say that he is who he is today because he met and knew Jinyoung. Jaebum thinks that he would be a very different person indeed if he had not been best friends with Jinyoung for the past decade of teenagehood, the most important and formulative years of his life. Jinyoung has shaped Jaebum in ways that are more than the visible ones.

 

"Then... what should I do?" Jaebum winces at how lost and helpless his question sounds, all the powerlessness of the past weeks coming out in his voice. "What can I do to make things better, Jinyoung-ah?" When Jaebum has problems he has always taken a proactive approach towards them, believing there are not many things in this world that cannot be solved with commitment and efficiency. So he is not used to being so helpless and feeling inept, caught in a quandrary which he still cannot puzzle his way out of.

Magically, Jinyoung seems to know what he is thinking even though Jaebum couldn't even begin to find the words to express himself. He knows telepathy doesn't exist, but sometimes the way Jinyoung seems to read his mind makes him wonder.

"You don't have to do anything, hyung. Just be happy and be yourself. As I told you, that's the thing that makes me happiest to see." Jinyoung's voice is gentle and warm, forgiving.

And almost telepathically, Jaebum seems to understand Jinyoung's unsaid words as well. How the greatest blessing of their friendship is that they can just _be_ in front of each other. Be their truest selves. There are so few people in this world that Jaebum can be completely natural in front of that he treasures this liberty immeasurably.

After so many years, Jinyoung has become like an extension of his own body -- the way you don't notice your own limbs or appendages, although you would be handicapped without them, disabled. And most of all Jaebum never wants to lose this effortless, oxygen-like familiarity.

 

He smiles in quiet gratitude for Jinyoung's overwhelming acceptance, his magnanimity. But Jinyoung doesn't seem to be aware how selfless he's being as he continues trying to assuage Jaebum's concerns. "And you don't have to keep beating yourself up over not realising. I deliberately hid it from you -- you couldn't have known if you tried." He smiles his sorrowful smile.

"I should never have said anything, especially at this time," he echoes the sentiments he expressed on the first night. "But I was just... drunk, and so tired of staying in the friend zone."

"Please." Jaebum can't hide the impatience in his voice at Jinyoung dredging this topic up again. "We've been over this," he says in a voice that brooks no argument. "You were right to let me know. I only wish you had told me earlier." He means it. Now that he knows everything, he can't imagine going back to the ignorant days when he had cluelessly lived not knowing.

"See what I mean?" Jinyoung laughs, sounding helpless and exasperated, but so tenderly and fondly so. "Lighten up a little, Jaebum hyung. You don't have to take everything so seriously. You're so serious. So intense. So thoughtful. So caring. How could anyone _not_ fall for you?"

Jaebum gulps at the way Jinyoung is quietly looking at him, and Jinyoung carefully veils the longing in his eyes with his thick lashes.

"You're the only one who thinks that way." Jaebum sounds choked up. "You're the only one who can stand me."

Jinyoung just shakes his head and laughs, obviously not agreeing. He raises the rim of his bottle to his lips and takes another long pull, breaking their eye contact to stare out at the star-sprinkled night sky.

 

Without Jinyoung watching him, Jaebum looks at Jinyoung, really looks at him for the first time. He thinks about how Jinyoung seems to inhabit a different dimension than other people, a deeper, slower world. When one gazes into Jinyoung's eyes, the flow of time seems to slow. His voice, his smile -- everything about him is so soulful, gentle. An old soul, Jaebum's parents liked to call Jinyoung. They always liked him best out of all Jaebum's friends.

Jinyoung's exterior and appearance have changed drastically from the first time Jaebum met him, matured and gone through puberty. But even though he's an adult now, the only thing that has remained the same about Jinyoung are his eyes, dark pools that look like calm placid forest lakes at night. They're so... _lamb-like_ is the only adjective Jaebum can come up with to describe how innocent and trusting and endearingly boyish Jinyoung's gaze is, not just to him but everybody.

You just have to look at Jinyoung, the contemplativeness in his eyes to know that he's someone who sees the world differently, who thinks about the important things deeply. An artist, a deeply sensitive and compassionate soul who would never hurt an ant. Jinyoung likes to take a magnifying glass to his own flaws, is the person who sees his own positive attributes the least clearly. He is always finding ways to improve, never feeling like enough. But this is how Jaebum knows that Jinyoung is truly humble and unassuming.

But when he thinks of Jinyoung, the most fitting word Jaebum can conjure to describe him; the quality he personally cherishes most in him -- is _consistent_. Whether in personality or as a friend, Jinyoung has been the most consistent anchor and harbour in Jaebum's life, sticking with him like a barnacle through thick and thin. He's trustworthy and upright, so Jaebum knows he can trust him with anything. So many fair-weather friends had come and gone through the years, but only time had proved who stayed, and who was in with him for both the laughter and the tears.

Jaebum knows he isn't the only one who has noticed Jinyoung's goodness, his beauty. So it still floors him, even after this time, that Jinyoung has only noticed one person and that person is him.

 

It's not that Jaebum doesn't know the reason he has been able to cruise so arrogantly, so smoothly through life, owes a lot to having Jinyoung as his sidekick, saving his sorry ass time after time and being there to talk him through the difficult steps. Sure, he has helped Jinyoung in many ways too, as a friend, but does JInyoung need him as much as Jaebum needs Jinyoung? He has a feeling that Jinyoung would do just fine without him, and lately, even the sinking thought sometimes that Jinyoung might be happier and less unencumbered.

This Dabin debacle is only the latest in a series of times Jinyoung has unrelentingly and faithfully believed in him over the years, even when Jaebum didn't believe in himself. Especially then. Believed in his capacity for warmth, to love; and not only believed but also expressed it vocally, encouraging and boosting Jaebum's morale beyond measure. What would he have done without Jinyoung at so many important crossroads in his life, when Jinyoung had been his compass when the road ahead was obscured by fog and he couldn't see his direction?

He realises that Jinyoung is like his wings -- birds never are aware or conscious of them, but they're the very things that singlehandedly help them fly, keep them from falling from the sky.

 

Even if he spends the rest of his life trying, Jaebum could never find the words to express how lucky he is to be loved in this way, by Jinyoung who loved him quietly and painstakingly without asking anything in return. Jaebum never knew this sort of unconditional and strong love existed; had only read about it in books or watched it in romantic movies. He never dreamed of one day being loved like this, and even now doubts if he has the capacity to return it in equal measure, give all of himself without holding back. He who can barely not be an inept father, who is struggling to graduate university and get his degree so he can support his daughter and probably have to pay child support to his ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life.

He has always thought that Jinyoung deserves someone amazing and perfect to love him and take care of him, someone who would worship the ground he walks on. But could this someone... be _him_? Could Jinyoung who Jaebum has only seen as his younger brother, his _dongsaeng_ before this, become more to him?

 

Closing his eyes, Jaebum summons up the memory in his mind's eye of the night last year, how terrified but brave Jinyoung looked as he tremulously confessed to him, how devastatingly beautiful he had looked wearing his heart on his sleeve in a way Jaebum had never had the courage to do.

It's nothing dramatic, the moment Jaebum realises that he had fallen for Jinyoung then. That he is in love with Jinyoung. But, he realises with amused irony and a soaring of his heart to almost weightlessness, that neither were all the most life-altering moments in his life. Like discovering Dabin on their doorstep, for instance. Jaebum has never been very good at grasping his initial reactions to blindsiding curveballs in his life, always letting the initial panic and fluster, resistance to change, obscure his real emotions.

But it's only now, finally, that he can sort through his mess of emotions with clarity and realise that when Jinyoung admitted to loving him, Jaebum felt a lot of things -- but most of all, he felt happy. More than happy, in fact, he felt exuberant. He might even go as far to say that it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

 

He had attempted to take a logical and calculating approach to this, to work out the risks of turning their longtime friendship into something more, debating whether it was worth it to risk losing it all. But he had not calculated for the fact that human emotions are messy and complicated and desire is seldom worth the risk, if ever. But it almost always eclipses it.

It's so easy to fall in love with Jinyoung once Jaebum allows himself to, too easy. So easy that it scares him.

Because Jinyoung is all beauty and no flaws. He's the kind of perfection that doesn't exist in this world, shouldn't exist, and yet is defying reality by sitting right before Jaebum utterly oblivious of his charm, his captivating magnetism.

Jinyoung has the kind of face and body that ought to be on billboards hanging over the city skylines, in exotic fragrance commercials and gracing the TV screens of a nation. It's inconceivable that Jaebum never really noticed, paid attention to it, but maybe it's because of the way Jinyoung's personality outshines his appearance so much. It sounds like a cheesy Hallmark card but Jinyoung is so much more stunning inside than he is on the outside. When one looks at Jinyoung, the first thing they can't help but see is his pure and shining heart.

When they had first met, Jinyoung had already been insufferably adorable, cute as a button. But perhaps it's because Jaebum has seen him every day for the past ten years that he never fully noticed what a fine young man he has grown up into, someone who Jaebum can be proud of and brag about in every way. The only person in the world who can challenge and stimulate Jaebum both mentally and physically, who can make him both laugh and cry effortlessly.

Every day, Jaebum still continues to discover new ways in which he hadn't known Jinyoung has been there all this while, in this Jinyoung-shaped place beside him. He has engraved his presence and outline so indelibly in Jaebum's life that his existence is like a tattoo on Jaebum's being. Jaebum knows it's reprehensible but normal to overlook the people one sees every day -- like family, like their beloved, but he feels unbelievably slow-witted not to have seen Jinyoung; Jinyoung his best friend, his dongsaeng; Jinyoung whom he loves above all others.

 

In the end, yet again, it had been Jinyoung who was the smarter person between them, the more noble and courageous and daring one. Jaebum knows Jinyoung is a far better person than he will ever be because Jinyoung was the first to put a name to this feeling he had always been conscious of but never defined, this urge Jaebum has to possess and protect and monopolize Jinyoung.

Of course it's love. How could it be anything other than that?

 

Even after he should know everything about Jinyoung, should be bored of seeing his face every single day for years, Jaebum still finds him tirelessly fascinating. Jinyoung is so mysterious and profound, with so many layers like an onion, each more interesting than the last one. Jaebum wants to make him smile that achingly pristine smile every day. He wants to walk through the gates of Jinyoung's open defenses, to enter that world which looks so languid and dreamlike from the outside. No longer peering into but inhabiting Jinyoung's universe.

 

Jinyoung shivers and sneezes, interrupting Jaebum's frantic and absorbing train of thoughts. Jaebum doesn't even think before peeling off his lightweight woolen jacket and draping the sleeves clumsily over Jinyoung's shoulders. Jinyoung is usually dressed in cardigans on chilly nights but he's only wearing a threadbare t-shirt today. He blushes and draws the shoulders of Jaebum's jacket tighter around himself, and Jaebum wishes they were his own.

Jinyoung looks frustratingly beautiful and unattainable in Jaebum's jacket. It's incomprehensible how Jaebum never noticed this in all the times Jinyoung's worn his clothes. He feels like he's been walking around with his eyes covered.

"Don't be so gentle to me," Jinyoung sniffs, sounding hoarse.

"What are you talking about?" There's a frog in Jaebum's throat.

Jinyoung huffs and rolls his eyes. "How am I ever going to get over you and move on if you go on being so goddamn _mature_?"

"M-mature?" Jaebum rasps, and Jinyoung shakes his head.

"Don't you know how crazy you make me?" he mutters under his breath with a wry shake of his head, attempting to play it off as a joke, but the words that seize Jaebum's mind and heart in a vise grip are _get over you and move on_.

"What if I don't want you to get over me?"

"..." The ensuing silence is so deep, you could hear a pin fall.

Before Jinyoung's eyes snap up to him, stricken and disbelieving and so confused. "Hyung..." His voice sounds dry and Jaebum hears the click of his throat as he swallows. "What are you saying?"

 

"I'm saying..."

All those people he dated, Jaebum now realises why they never felt right. He realises _who_ they never felt _like_.

 _All these years_ , he thinks of Jinyoung saying, his voice filled with longing, and feels his throat tightening on the words. Maybe, just maybe, after this unimaginably long expanse of time -- Jaebum can finally admit that he can't live without Jinyoung.

"I want to kiss you." He forces the words out, then blushes scorchingly at the way they sound in the silent night.

There is a stunned pause. Neither of them breathe. Then --

"What?" Jinyoung's voice is barely louder than a whisper. His eyes are huge on Jaebum, filling with tears. The unbearably hopeful light in them mutely pleads, _Tell me I didn't hear wrongly_.

 

"I think I might be... romantically attracted to you. i want to check whether I'm sexually attracted to you as well." God, he needs to stop speaking and become a hermit in the mountains and hide his head in a hole for the rest of his life.

Jinyoung is blinking at him rapidly, looking like he doesn't have enough air to breathe as he lets out little gaspy sobs. it's all Jaebum can do to wait for his permission and not take him by force. He bites his lip, eyes unable to keep from moving hungrily down from Jinyoung's to focus on his luscious mouth. Jaebum feels an unfamiliar heat pooling in his belly as Jinyoung's tongue slips out to wet his chapped lips.

When Jinyoung nods tearily, Jaebum gasps loudly.

He grabs Jinyoung's shoulders, trying to rein himself in but his entire body is shaking like a leaf, breath coming raggedly. He takes a deep breath, about to lean forward and cover Jinyoung's mouth with his own when he stops.

"Jinyoung-ah... you know hyung would never toy with your feelings just because I have the power to, right?"

Jinyoung laughs out loud, his expression sheer incredulous surprise. It comes out as a teary snort and he claps his hand over his mouth in horror, ears pinkening adorably, before Jaebum accidentally lets out an unattractive snort too from trying and failing to hold his giggles in. Suddenly they are both shaking with laughter, slightly nervous but a release from the tension.

Jinyoung looks so adorable, Jaebum can't take it. His heart is about to combust from Jinyoung's shoulders beneath his arms, wearing Jaebum's jacket with Jaebum's lips about to be on him. He can't believe he had waited so long to possess Jinyoung; waited so long to realise this is his heart's desire.

They are both intensely embarrassed. But Jaebum knows that this is a good thing. It's because they care about each other.

"Hyung, you think too much," Jinyoung eventually chides, not unkindly. Jaebum doesn't argue. He knows he overthinks and agonizes about things too much before he does them, always tries to process his desire through his mind first before acting on it. He's grown so used to holding himself back that having Jinyoung in his arms saying this, feels exhilaratingly like freedom.

"I'm not as fragile as you think," Jinyoung continues in a quiet voice, eyes steady on him.

"I know, but --" Jaebum knows better than anyone else the extent of Jinyoung's strength, but Jinyoung will always need protection to him. He has never been a gentle person, but there's just something about Jinyoung that makes Jaebum want to be gentle.

 

Without warning, Jinyoung grabs the front of his shirt and tugs him forward by it, closing the remaining distance between them.

"Just shut up and kiss me, Im Jaebum."


	8. Chapter 8

Jaebum's stomach flips at Jinyoung's commanding words, the enticing and unmistakable invitation in his eyes, the certainty and same hunger that Jaebum feels somewhere deeper than his stomach. He's never felt such an intense need in his life, not for food, not for women. Jinyoung's hot and sweet breath ghosting over his lips, scented but not heavy with alcohol, is like a license for Jaebum to give in to and follow his carnal instinct, to _don't think and just feel_.

The grip of Jinyoung's fingers slackens in the fabric of his shirt as their eyes lock and he seems to be shaken by the raw lust in Jaebum's. Jinyoung's pupils are dilated to almost pitch blackness, from the alcohol or desire he doesn't know. In response to the loss of this connection, Jaebum only tries to bring Jinyoung closer by raising his hands to cradle the back of Jinyoung's head, his fingers inadvertently threading through Jinyoung's silky hair and tightening in his tresses. Jaebum holds Jinyoung as steady as he can with both of his trembling hands as he leans forward to crush their lips together.

Their lips collide awkwardly and forcefully, at an uncomfortable angle at first that makes their noses mash and teeth knock together with a painful click. Jaebum is glad neither of them are wearing their glasses or they would certainly be knocked askew.

Jinyoung's lips are pliant and unresisting, yielding and parting easily under his. Jaebum is paralyzed by the initial electrifying moment of contact but Jinyoung subtly and skilfully tilts his head a little, making the angle a little less stiff and giving him easier access. Under Jaebum's mouth, his lips part and he darts his tongue out to give the seam of Jaebum's lips a playful and sensual lick.

Jaebum feels a tremor jolt his entire frame physically, his heart suddenly pumping and hot blood licking through his veins. His hands almost fall from Jinyoung's hair because he seems to have lost control of his body and reflexes, but his body thankfully operates on animal instinct.

It isn't his first kiss, but Jaebum feels like he has never kissed before this. All those beautiful and dream girls -- they were nothing compared to this. In an instant, he knows that this is the real deal. Kissing Jinyoung is supposed to be what a _real_ kiss feels like.

Jinyoung is like a live wire beneath his lips, hot and squirming, uncontrollable. The little breathy moans he's making ricochet through Jaebum's body like the throbbing bass of a dance track at a club. Jaebum feels like he's holding electricity itself, Jinyoung's mouth and skin so scorching against his fingertips that he feels like he's touching blazing fire with his bare unprotected skin, like he's taking a metal tray out of an oven without gloves and getting seared. His tongue delves deep into Jinyoung's mouth, and Jaebum is pleased and aroused by the shiver that rocks Jinyoung's frame when he boldly caresses Jinyoung's tongue with his own, then catches the tip between his teeth and drags his teeth with agonizing slowness over it before letting go.

Jinyoung is falling apart into a panting mess beneath him, as much a panting mess as Jaebum. Sometime along the way when he hadn't noticed he had risen to his feet and now finds himself leaning over Jinyoung's deck chair with Jinyoung caged between both his arms, Jaebum braced over him with one knee inserted between Jinyoung's legs.

When Jaebum accidentally grinds his knee against Jinyoung's crotch, he lets slip a moan so loud it makes them both freeze and tear apart, eyes meeting with panic. Jinyoung claps an apologetic hand over his mouth, his eyes darting around fearfully and twisting around to look behind them at the landing of the second floor, the rest of the closed bedroom doors to see if anyone heard and came out to investigate. In the heat of the moment, they had forgotten they weren't alone but in a house with five other boys.

For the first few seconds Jaebum doesn't even care how deafeningly loud Jinyoung's moan sounded in the hushed silence, he's so worked up. He continues chasing Jinyoung's addictively sweet lips with his own mouth and growls low in his throat, cockblocked when his mouth only lands off center at the corner of Jinyoung's when he turned to peer furtively behind them.

Jinyoung slides down in the deck chair a little, looking pale and hot and bothered as well, as if mortified and wishing he could disappear. Jaebum only mirrors his movements as if pulled by an invisible string so they end up in an even more horizontal and compromising position. Jaebum is almost lying on top of Jinyoung, would be if he let go of the last fading reserves of strength in the wobbly biceps holding him up. Jinyoung looks up into his eyes, half-lidded eyes magnetic. The rickety old plastic chair creaks threateningly under their weight and Jaebum shifts slightly, the movement making Jinyoung's crotch rub against his knee again. The contact, the surprising but unmistakable hardness he can feel even through the fabric makes him jump, his eyes flying open.

Jinyoung flushes red as a tomato even in the dark, confirming what he felt. Looking even more deeply embarrassed, he tries to push himself up into a sitting position again but this only makes their faces bump and Jaebum's upper arms finally give out as he feels Jinyoung's impossibly soft and warm lips against his cheek in an accidental childlike cheek-kiss. He collapses bonelessly and heavily into Jinyoung's lap, limp and drugged.

Jinyoung lets out a surprised _oof_ at the impact of his body but his arms instinctively reach to wrap around Jaebum's back, steadying him from falling off. Jaebum's heart tightens with guilt and worry and he immediately tries to lift his weight off Jinyoung, but Jinyoung holds him still with protective and unexpectedly strong arms.

Crushed beneath Jaebum, Jinyoung smiles up at him with hazy contentment in his eyes. His smile crushes the air out of Jaebum's lungs. He finally stops struggling, shifting awkwardly in Jinyoung's lap, everything in him telling him he should get off Jinyoung right away and detach himself before someone finds them but his heart (and dick) screaming at him to stay right where he is and not move an inch. Preferably forever.

Jinyoung doesn't seem to mind either, looking like he wishes time would stop in this moment too. He licks his lips with savouring wistfulness as if he just had a delicious meal and Jaebum swallows, the aftertaste of Jinyoung's mouth strong inside his own. The sweetness of malt and bitterness of cheap beer, deliciously blended with Jinyoung's unique taste. A taste Jaebum has never sampled anything close to before but is immediately hopelessly and incorrigibly addicted to.

For a moment they just sit there tangled up in each other, feeling like they've lost track of where one ends and the other begins. Beaming foolishly at each other with matching idiotic grins and losing themselves in each other's eyes. The new intimacy is both excruciating and not enough at the same time, and all Jaebum wants is to get closer, get more. He wishes he could crawl under Jinyoung's very skin. Their shallow and ragged breathing doesn't seem to even out as the moments pass and they only remain intensely aware of each other's skin, the places where they are touching.

Jaebum feels Jinyoung's strong thighs beneath his own, the powerfully corded muscles tensed up with repressed desire. Jinyoung's every jagged inhalation is like a match to his blood, lighting it up like kerosene. He feels flammable and dangerously explosive, blood rushing to his head and all the other parts of his body.

 

His eyes are so glazed over that it takes him some time to notice that Jinyoung is blushing prettily, sweeping his lashes over his smouldering eyes and looking yearning but hesitant as if he has something to ask Jaebum but is adorably shy to.

"What is it?" Jaebum says, his voice sounding wrecked and completely unlike himself. Now he's blushing too, but he continues solicitously, carefully and reluctantly getting off Jinyoung's thighs and feeling the loss of Jinyoung's hands slipping from his back as a longing ache. "What do you want, Jinyoungie?"

Jinyoung blushes anew at the tenderness of his voice, the eagerness to please. He pouts at little at Jaebum's leaving, reaching out needy hands with his eyes pleading. Jaebum relents and wraps his arms around Jinyoung's shoulders again, but this time he surprises Jinyoung by effortlessly lifting him off the chair and sliding beneath him so Jinyoung is the one on his lap. Jaebum bounces him a little into a more comfortable position, so Jinyoung isn't sitting uncomfortably heavily on his crotch and Jinyoung breathlessly grabs his shoulders to steady himself, smiling brightly down at Jaebum again.

He immediately twines himself around Jaebum's upper body again like a koala or a clinging vine. They both seem to have forgotten or moved past caring whether any unfortunate soul will happen by and notice them.

Jinyoung lowers his eyes bashfully and licks his puffy, swollen red lips in a way that twists Jaebum's heart. His arms tighten over Jinyoung's narrow waist as Jinyoung whispers, "Can I kiss you again... properly?"

His words illuminate Jaebum's hottest desire. He hastens to nod with such alacrity he nearly sprains his neck. The mischievously soft smile playing at the corners of Jinyoung's lips widens into a beam.

This time, it feels like their _real_ first kiss. Jaebum senses that Jinyoung wants to take it slowly, feel every nuance and detail and drag it out into exquisite pleasure. Jinyoung's eyes light up with touching eagerness at his compliance, immediately leaning down to attack his lips clumsily. With a hunger equal in intensity, Jaebum opens his mouth as if Jinyoung's saliva contains the elixir of life from the fountain of immortality. Their mouths meet, both already open and Jinyoung steals the next breath from his lips so there's no alternative but to exchange oxygen for Jinyoung temporarily. Jaebum has absolutely no complaints.

The kiss starts out soft and sweet and searching, like Jinyoung himself, but it soon turns sloppy and intense as Jaebum loses control and grabs his chin to pull Jinyoung closer, hold him still so Jaebum's tongue can go deeper, chasing that dizzying taste he can't get enough of. His hands move down automatically and he starts running his hands up and down Jinyoung's back, feeling Jinyoung tremble sensitively and arch in response to his touch. Jaebum kisses Jinyoung voraciously without breaking apart to surface for air, determined not to stop till Jinyoung is gasping as breathlessly as him and panting his name like a plea.

Jinyoung's hands scrabble in his shirt, grab fistfuls of the fabric helplessly till it's bunched up and lifting off Jaebum's waist to reveal a sliver of skin. His body jerks when the back of Jinyoung's hand brushes the sensitive area above his pelvis.

When his fingers find the hem of Jinyoung's shirt and his hand slides beneath it, splaying against the feverish and smooth skin of Jinyoung's back, Jinyoung tears himself away with a strangled gasp, their lips detaching with an obscene pop and saliva threading between. He presses his lips together into a painful line as if afraid he will let out another moan, eyes more beautiful than Jaebum has ever seen them made glassy with lust.

It's like a punch to his gut, the way Jinyoung looks like a work of living art Jaebum is holding in his bare hands. There's no way this astonishingly breathtaking and erotic stranger can be his best friend whom Jaebum has known inside and out for the past decade. Jaebum feels like he's rediscovering Jinyoung, his world tilting and re-aligning to adjust to the new knowledge of Jinyoung's body and mouth and the previously undiscovered universe contained within them.

 

"Hyung!" His attention is brought back to the present by Jinyoung batting his chest weakly, fingers trailing teasingly over Jaebum's torso and skating down the line of his abs through his shirt. Is Jinyoung... checking him out? Jaebum gulps, his jacket long having slipped off Jinyoung's own sculpted shoulders and lying in a forgotten heap on the floor. Jaebum wants Jinyoung's shirt off his body and on the ground too with a passion that takes his breath away.

Jinyoung's fingers linger on Jaebum's pecs and oh yes, he is most definitely checking Jaebum out. Jaebum feels himself swelling ridiculously with pride, feeling thankful for his discipline in doing his fifty daily push-ups without fail. He suddenly recalls all the times Jinyoung had walked past his room and stopped in the doorway, pausing on the threshold to watch Jaebum finish his exercise routine. He seemed to stay particularly long when Jaebum had his shirt off, just quietly watching and not disturbing but Jaebum had shown off a little by switching to one hand or alternating hands, just because.

Now, these occasions acquire a new and tingly significance and Jaebum bitterly regrets that his back was towards Jinyoung and he never turned to see Jinyoung's expression while watching the shift of muscles moving in his back, the sweat pouring down his tanned skin.

All those times in silence, was Jinyoung licking his lips like the way he's doing now? Like a kitten savouring the last droplets of milk after a contented meal, or like a vampire dazed with bloodlust and carefully retracting its fangs, eyes shifting from red back to black.

But Jinyoung's voice when he finds it is shy and ingenuous in a way that makes Jaebum feel guilty for his dirty thoughts. "You said you would let me kiss you properly." His eyes are adoringly reproachful.

"Sorry," Jaebum mutters, shamefaced, but can't resist adding smarmily under his breath, "You seemed to be enjoying it though."

Jinyoung glares at him, looking about as fierce as a kitten. Jaebum feels himself dissolving.

"Okay, fine. Give me another chance. Let's do it again?" He phrases it in a conciliatory tone, disguising his desperate want to have his lips on Jinyoung again and letting their mouths do the talking. He can't believe they had spent ten years having verbal conversations when they could have been having smouldering physical ones like this with their bodies instead. He vows to retire language from now on when it comes to communicating with Jinyoung.

Jinyoung's smart mouth and his sharp tongue have never looked so soft and alluring. Jaebum never imagined or dreamed that kissing a boy could be such a turn on to him. He could physically feel his heterosexuality departing in the span of a kiss and he bids it goodbye without regrets or hesitation. He couldn't believe he could have been so foolish as to ever have thought Jinyoung's gender made any difference in the least. When now he knows with unshakable certainty that whatever sex Jinyoung is, that would have been Jaebum's sexuality. He officially declares himself Jinyoung-sexual to whomever it may concern.

 

Jinyoung seems to see through his ruse transparently but has no problem playing along with it.

"Sure," he purrs, looking amused. "Another chance." He tips his chin challengingly towards Jaebum but softens it with a sultry purse of his lips. Jaebum's eyes flicker down to them as if magnetized.

"But this time let me initiate it." They both look surprised by the authority in his voice, and Jinyoung looks flustered in a way that pleases Jaebum immensely. He gathers Jinyoung towards him without warning so Jinyoung breathlessly lurches closer and steadies himself with his hands on Jaebum's chest. Jaebum's hands wander up his back again, grazing his spine and he sees Jinyoung twitch, trying to get himself under control.

"O-okay," Jinyoung murmurs submissively, cheekbones dusted pink, and Jaebum immediately feels the tables turned on him.

But he tries his best to keep his promise, not letting his lust get the better of him again and attempting to orchestrate a proper and enjoyable kiss this time, something more gentle than rough. He feels his heartbeat pick up as their faces near, starting to hammer absurdly. He realises that he had been hiding his nervousness behind coarse brutality, blindly and without finesse mashing their faces together and practically sucking Jinyoung's face off because he sensed how frightening and terrifying a slow, romantic approach like this would be.

Jinyoung's eyes are hypnotic, huge and unblinking as they hold and reach deep into his like two hands grabbing him by the heart. Jaebum inhales sharply, stricken by the power of the sensation.

"Close your eyes," he blurts out brusquely, just when they are a breath away and Jinyoung's breathing is quickening in anticipation.

Jinyoung blinks, startled, then relief softens his eyes as if he had been dreading the slow romance he had asked for too.

"Yeah, that's probably better," he mutters, voice hoarse with relief. "You're way too handsome to look at up close."

"What did you say?" It's awkward as hell to talk with their lips literally an inch apart, not to mention distracting, but Jaebum can't miss the chance to pry out a compliment he has a feeling he wasn't supposed to hear.

Jinyoung's face is a delicious steamy shade that turns Jaebum on impossibly more. "You heard me." His voice is low, slightly slurred as if he's finding coherence as difficult as Jaebum is. Jaebum wonders if he's imagining it or Jinyoung is thrumming against him, as if Jaebum can feel his heartbeat pulsing from every inch of his skin.

Jaebum swallows the groan he feels bubbling up his throat at the gravelly depth of Jinyoung's husky voice and attempts to make a seductive expression. He flutters his lashes and lets his eyelids fall to half-mast, peeking provocatively through them at Jinyoung and licks his lips salaciously.

Jinyoung's eyes widen for a beat before he starts vibrating with silent laughter in Jaebum's arms, but he reaches a shaky hand up to caress Jaebum's face with clumsy gentleness. "So sexy," he breathes. Jaebum can't believe he sounds like he means it. He feels like he's going to go crazy if one more second goes by without pressing his lips against Jinyoung's.

Mercifully, Jinyoung seems to sense his urgency. He obediently closes his eyes and tilts his face up to Jaebum's with an innocence that goes straight past Jaebum's defenses. He stops breathing for a breathless heartbeat looking down at Jinyoung, completely trusting and molten in Jaebum's arms as he patiently awaits his kiss looking like a fallen angel banished from heaven. Jaebum wants to spend the rest of his life kissing Jinyoung, without breaks for even breathing.

Fuck oxygen. Who needs it when he has Jinyoung?

 

This third kiss, the only thing stopping Jaebum from completely losing control is his promise to Jinyoung. Knowing Jinyoung has dreamt of his first proper kiss with the person he loves for years, wanting it to be every bit as romantic as every novel and movie and idol drama he had inhaled and devoured voraciously, from the bodice rippers to the classics; from the _saegeuk_ s to the pretentious French movie they had watched together.

The kind of kiss that feels like fireworks and cheesy OSTs. Jaebum wants to give it to him.

So he moves as if he's underwater, slowing every motion down to half-speed. Dragging it out to the tipping point where agony turns to the most exquisite pleasure, searching for that fine missable line. Finding that impeccable rhythm they have forged in the mere span of two kisses, that perfect angle where everything falls into place with miraculous synchronicity and it feels like they were actually were designed to fit together. Like puzzle pieces or bread and butter.

He feels his eyes fluttering closed too as their lips melt together, like candle wax turning molten in a flame. As naturally as taking his next breath, as unnecessary to think. He hears the softest and most satiated sigh slipping from Jinyoung's lips, right before he closes his own over them and seals their mouths together. There's no need for either of them to grab each other's faces or heads this time. They just move in easy synchronicity, as if by prearrangement or instinct, knowing who will tilt his head left and who right. Knowing who will apply pressure when and who will accept it, who will give and who will take first.

The kiss is no force and all gentleness, Jinyoung's lips so deliberately tender that Jaebum feels tears pushing against the back of his eyes. Just like himself, Jinyoung's dream kiss is so heartfelt, so earnest and passionate that Jaebum knows he is putting all of himself into it, exposing all his vulnerable sides to Jaebum without holding back. Because Jinyoung loves like he lives, like he does everything -- with his whole heart. The only points of their bodies that are touching are their lips, and so lightly it's like air, a chaste, close-mouthed kiss without tongue but Jaebum doesn't know why it feels the most intimate, as if Jinyoung is sucking out his soul through his mouth (much more romantically than a Death-Eater in Harry Potter though).

 

It would be a lie to say that Jinyoung is softer and smaller and more delicate than any number of the girls Jaebum has kissed.

Beneath his hands, Jinyoung is unignorably ungainly and masculine, all ropy muscle and bone, his chest a hard and flat expanse unsoftened by generous breasts for Jaebum to fit the curve of his palm over. It would be a lie to say he doesn't feel the jarring difference and the lack of curves and soft flesh.

But it's the honest-to-god truth that Jinyoung's lips feel softer and sweeter and more honest than any other lips Jaebum has ever kissed in his twenty-three years. That they touch his heart deeper than anything or anyone has managed to and feel more _right_.

It's the undeniable truth that his body is responding more enthusiastically to Jinyoung's touch than any other person who has ever touched him and Jaebum doesn't know what this means but he knows that whatever it does, he is more than prepared to accept it. His body is ready in every way to be consumed and possessed by Jinyoung to his heart's content.

 

Even minutes after they stop kissing, all of Jaebum's senses are still completely saturated by Jinyoung to the brim.

And even an hour later when he has finally managed to stand up from the deck chair on wobbling knees and stagger back to his room, he can still feel Jinyoung's touch burned into his skin. He skips brushing his teeth that night, not wanting to wash the taste of Jinyoung's mouth away, desperately chasing it with his tongue prodding every corner of his mouth like a crazed junkie.

 

That night, he has his first wet dream of a boy, his first wet dream of _Jinyoung_. In it, Jinyoung is lying in the middle of Jaebum's bed with his limbs splayed out, sable hair fanned in a halo on Jaebum's pillow and cloaked in nothing but luminescent ivory moonlight that shimmers on his bare naked skin.

Jaebum jolts awake just as his first fingertip touches Jinyoung's skin, his back rigid and sweat pouring down his body, soaking his clothes almost through. His dick is throbbing in a painful and raging erection, boxers feeling sticky and damp and his heart is pounding so hard it feels like its going to jump out of his skin.

 

The events of the previous night, merely a few hours ago, flood sweetly back to him and he lets his head fall back against the headboard weakly, savouring the wave of unadulterated contentment.

After they broke apart breathlessly the final time from a kiss which had inexplicably felt deeper and lasted longer than the prior two, Jinyoung had gazed down into his eyes from his perch on Jaebum's lap, quietly but radiating sheer satisfaction. The heat emanating from his body through the thin layers of both their clothes was the strongest aphrodisiac Jaebum could imagine. Just the mere temperature of Jinyoung's skin was driving him out of his mind.

Time had stopped temporarily as they gazed quietly at each other and waited to regain their strength and the power to move. Words didn't matter when their eyes spoke volumes. Jaebum couldn't imagine a language in the world more beautiful than the unique one only he and Jinyoung shared and could decipher, the one-and-only hieroglyphic code of his touch on Jinyoung's skin. Mapping meaningless words that only made sense to them with his fingers tracing the topography of Jinyoung's back, Jaebum felt himself continue falling.

He finally truly realised what Jinyoung meant, when he said that love is a process of endless and interminable falling. Jaebum wished he could stop but Jinyoung's eyes were abysses and every guarded smile he gave Jaebum was a labyrinth Jaebum lost himself in.

He found that his hands had naturally settled on Jinyoung's hips, the curves of his palms fitting against Jinyoung's hipbones with gentle perfection, anchoring him there. Jinyoung tentatively rested his head on Jaebum's shoulder, pressing his ear against Jaebum's slowing but still thundering heart. He buried his face in Jaebum's shoulder and Jaebum felt a dampness he hoped wasn't tears through the fabric of his shirt. Jinyoung seemed to feel utterly at home in his arms, like there was no place he would rather be.

 

It was with great reluctance after another hour of lazy and affectionate dawdling and cuddling that they finally made the grudging decision to part for the night and retire to bed. By then it was past midnight and Jaebum remembered thinking with wonder that it was an unbelievable blessing no one had caught them red-handed or walked in on them snogging. Or maybe someone had but was too discreet or embarrassed or shocked to make their presence known. But he also knew he had been too far gone to stop. Come hell or high water, he wouldn't have stopped kissing Jinyoung for the world. He couldn't.

While they were waiting to stop feeling so sapped of strength and slumped against each other, Jaebum had had the most meaningful and profound post-kiss conversation he had ever had. Trust Jinyoung to sweep him off his feet; he was unsurprised that Jinyoung is the consummate gentleman in every way. He probably would use his preppy monogrammed handkerchief to wipe his mouth after blowing Jaebum's cock for fuck's sake. The more important question was why the hell was he so turned on by this thought; and why he was even thinking of Jinyoung giving him a blowjob. All Jaebum knew was that he was seriously screwed. And whipped.

 

Now, Jaebum replays the conversation in his head, wanting to relish every word said and commit them to memory.

Jinyoung had spoken up first, his voice endearingly insecure and hopeful as he asked, "Was that... okay? Was it good for you... as it was for me?" He blushed and licked his lips self-consciously. Jaebum couldn't keep his eyes off Jinyoung's ravaged lips, knowing that he was responsible for this sordid sight. He had never known Jinyoung looked so stunning with his lips used and abused, bee-stung and stark against the porcelain of his complexion.

His own lips felt numb in the best way possible and he could only imagine how debauched he looked. Jinyoung was gazing starstruck at him like he was the number one sexiest man under sixty in South Korea but then again his opinion was famously biased.

Of course he had not spent so much time ruminating the night before, instead replying without hesitation or missing a beat, "Of course it was okay! It was the best kiss I've ever had."

His voice came out rough because Jinyoung's insecurity and uncertainty went straight to his heart. He was reminded with a pang of how long Jinyoung had held himself back, kept his feelings under wraps because he thought Jaebum wouldn't accept him, because he felt lacking. It crushed Jaebum that Jinyoung had no idea the things he did to Jaebum, to both his heart and his body. And he would never have any idea because Jaebum couldn't possibly express these mind-blowing feelings in clumsy language, and even if he could there was no way in hell he would ever let Jinyoung know of the power he had over him.

That felt too much like handing the keys to his heart over along with it, when Jinyoung's presence had already expanded to fill the entirety of Jaebum's heart till there was no room for anyone else, even his daughter.

 

Jinyoung had flushed in disbelieving pleasure at his words, staring skeptically at Jaebum as if he thought he was just sweet-talking him. He had no idea every word Jaebum said was the pure and simple truth and Jaebum was relieved for it. What he would do and how humiliated he would be if Jinyoung knew how desperately and pathetically Jaebum had fallen in love with him, Jaebum didn't know. His instinct for self-preservation was kicking in with a vengeance because he had never felt himself at risk of giving so much to one person before.

But just like with Dabin, the more he tried to hold back, the more spectacularly he seemed to fail. The harder he tried to protect himself from falling, the more bruising and bloody he fell. There was no way to save himself from this all-consuming love and all Jaebum wanted to do was to give himself in to it.

And at that moment, Jaebum decided that he would do whatever it took to love Jinyoung. Even if it meant falling and hurting himself in the process. Even if it killed him. He would have no regrets whatsoever.

 

The next morning, he sheepishly comes down to breakfast groggy and on three hours of restless hormones-plagued sleep. The other two he had lain staring at his ceiling cursing his life and trying to recite the periodic table to calm down.

"Why are you looking at Jinyoung hyung like you're mentally stripping him naked?" Bambam demands without preamble when he has barely sat down, making him instantly snap wide awake.

Jaebum hasn't even taken a bite of the cereal Jinyoung placed in front of him avoiding his eyes but he chokes on air and his own spit. He didn't even know he had been looking at Jinyoung because he was being extra careful not to this morning.

Yugyeom swats Bambam halfheartedly for his lack of diplomacy, before joining in hypocritcally, "Yeah, I mean that's how you usually look at each other but today it's more gross somehow."

What?

" _WHAT?_ " Jinyoung voices his exact sentiments, sounding suspiciously and cringingly shrill. Jaebum puts his head in his hands, appetite gone.

"Nothing," Bambam replies innocently, slurping the rest of his milk up in one huge gulp and hastily scrambling up from his seat, looking slightly freaked out by Jinyoung's ghastly glare and the menacing way he is looming over him with the tines of a fork.

Yugyeom does the same, sniggering angelically as they swiftly vacate the kitchen, leaving an expanse of awkwardness thick as treacle in their wake.

 

When Jaebum meets Jinyoung's eyes, he feels his soul leaving his body. Jinyoung looks as rough as Jaebum feels, shadows under his eyes and pallid skin stretched tight across his cheekbones, making the blotchy flush on his face look starker. His eyes are excruciatingly embarrassed when they meet Jaebum's and he quickly snatches his gaze away as if stung.

Jaebum groans. He's no stranger to post-kiss awkwardness but he never imagined it would be so mortifying with Jinyoung. He longingly recalls their sugary post-kiss bliss just the previous night.

Jinyoung stiffly stacks up Bambam's and Yugyeom's bowls and carries them to the dishwasher in silence. Jaebum buries his face in his cereal and starts slurping on autopilot, chewing more loudly to fill the silence even though it tastes like cardboard. Then he feels grossly embarrassed for his unattractive gobbling. He considers slinking out of the kitchen briefly to splash water on his burning cheeks but doesn't want to make Jinyoung misunderstand or feel left alone.

But after a few minutes of this stilted silence, his heart startles him by leaping into his throat as Jinyoung pulls a chair out to sit down tentatively next to him after going to the kitchen doorway and peering out to check if anyone is nearby.

"Hyung, you're being too obvious," Jinyoung hisses, breaking the ice. "You need to stop looking at me like I walk on water."

Jaebum nearly chokes for the second time. He thought Bambam and Yugyeom were just kidding around, but if Jinyoung is saying this too it must be true to some extent. He is going to immigrate to Iceland.

"What about you?" he retorts reflexively but not ungently, fluster speaking for him to disguise his embarrassment. "You need to stop looking at me like the sun rises and sets behind my back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you SO much to EVERYONE who commented on the previous chapter the response honestly blew my socks off i think it was the highest number of comments i've ever gotten on a single chapter of my fics T.T i can't believe i managed to drag on the realisation and kiss scene for 10k i am so sorry my readers are actual saints ;; btw i created an ask.fm so if anyone wants to ask me questions or tell me anything feel free to drop me a message [here](http://ask.fm/kittenfurs)!


	9. Chapter 9

Jinyoung's eyes widen at his words and he groans, running a frustrated hand through his hair. Jaebum bites his tongue hard at the adorable tufts it leaves, repressing the urge to leap over the table and ravish him right there and then.

"I thought I was being subtle." Jinyoung looks like a kicked puppy.

"Same," Jaebum agrees glumly. "Thought I was being real smooth."

Jinyoung places his palms on the table, getting that determined glint in his eye he does when he has a plan.

"We need to establish some ground rules," he announces resolutely.

Jaebum gulps, not liking the sound of this. "What kind of rules?" he ventures, wary.

Jinyoung shoots him a miserable and commiserating look. "We probably shouldn't stand or sit too near each other when the others are around. And neither of us is allowed to look in the other's direction."

"What?!" Jaebum is unable to disguise the devastation in his voice. "How am I supposed to do that?" It already sounds like a feat of impossibly Herculean proportions to him.

"I know. But we have to if we don't want the boys to find out." He shoots Jaebum an imploring look, and Jaebum's resolve wavers. Despite his reluctance, he understands what Jinyoung is getting at. Not that he minds their housemates knowing about their new status, but their barely day-old relationship still feels like something too fresh and raw to be exposed to their merciless teasing and ribbing yet, something still not set completely in stone and that he should protect.

If he thought his awareness of Jinyoung was heightened after his confession, then after last night it feels like he's become hyperaware and ultrasensitive of the electrical voltage that seems to leap between their skin even when they're not touching, even across the distance of a room.

 

So he grudgingly agrees to try his best to act like Jinyoung is air, like Jaebum doesn't feel his every move and every look in his solar plexus.

He drifts through the next few days in a cloudy daze, feeling like his soul has been snatched. Trying to avoid Jinyoung because he isn't confident that he can keep a straight face when they're within a metre's radius of each other, because all he can think of and stop himself from demanding is _when can I touch you again? When can I_ kiss _you again?_

Contenting himself by replaying Jinyoung's last words that morning in the kitchen, after they had both grimly committed to the plan, till they felt ready for the others to know.

"But when we're alone..." he had said, the rest of his sentence trailing off into tantalizing silence that sounded like a promise. After another cautious glance at the kitchen doorway he had draped his arms with warm affection around Jaebum's neck, nuzzling it until Jaebum squirmed and dissolved in laughter. Following the brief backhug, Jinyoung brushed a quick dry kiss over the crown of Jaebum's head, then shyly turned away and returned to the dishwasher.

Jaebum understood Jinyoung's wordless meaning. Or at least he thought he did. _When we're alone, there're no limits_.

He wanted to go and help Jinyoung with the dishes but he forced himself to stay in his seat, still dizzy with the sensation of Jinyoung's shy gestures of affection and gulping down his breakfast without tasting it.

 

He starts going on nightly jogs around their estate from that day onwards. He's as lazy to commit to regular exercise as any other overworked college student, but strangely he manages to find the discipline when he thinks of his goal to build up his body and muscles to attractive buffness before he shows it to Jinyoung for the first time -- he doesn't know when, but he is desperately hopeful it will be soon.

Jaebum has never been the sort to want to bed a girl immediately after starting a relationship but somehow for Jinyoung, he can't stand the thought of waiting and wooing and courting him to get into his pants. He finds himself feeling impatient where he used to feel indifferent and apathetic.

Another reason he needs the exercise is to work off and find an outlet for the hormones that have started to plague him as if he is going through his seventeenth year again. It would be ridiculous if it weren't so inconvenient and a pain to hide and deal with. But Jaebum doesn't know how slowly Jinyoung wants to take their progress and he has no idea How To Proposition Your Best Friend (if there was a self-help book with this title, he would gladly buy it).

 

One night when he is returning from his jog later than usual, after twelve, he passes Mark's car parked on the kerb outside their house and doubles back, frowning when he thinks he sees some movement inside. Immediately, his heart is racing from more than just the exertion and adrenaline. Jaebum bends to press his hands and face against the glass of the driver's side window, wiping it with his palm because it seems to be fogged up with condensation although it's not that chilly a night.

He leaps back a foot in shock when the horn blares loudly out in the silence and he sees, in the car, Jackson straddling Mark with his legs spread wide around Mark's waist and his shirt off, Mark's hands possessively spanning his back and roving up and down as they make out and fool around and do god knows what else. They're so closely tangled together, their matching platinum blond hair looks like a single entity where their bangs catch together.

The car window is rolled down. The horn was pressed accidentally by Jackson when he leaned back against it, equally shocked to see Jaebum's face appearing right outside the window.

"What the fuck, hyung?" Jackson growls gruffly, but his face is scarlet with mortification. Mark doesn't say anything but is scowling at Jaebum as well, his eyes still half-dazed with lust and obviously not looking thrilled to be interrupted.

"Jesus, I -- S-sorry!" Jaebum stammers incoherently, feeling himself blushing equally hotly and trying not to look at Jackson's bare torso, the hickeys on his chest visible even in the moonlit night. "I thought someone broke into the car," he explains lamely.

Jackson snorts. "Thanks, Jaebum," Mark finally speaks up drily. "It's just us."

Jaebum backs away awkwardly. "I'll just... go back inside. You can continue, don't mind me," he mutters, gesturing generously to them with a nervous laugh. Jackson rolls the window back up but they continue glaring irritatedly at him with embarrassed and beady eyes till he's back on the porch.

 

He's pouring himself a glass of iced water in the kitchen to cool himself down from the run and inadvertently witnessing something he shouldn't have seen when he hears footsteps and looks up to see Mark and Jackson ambling back into the house earlier than expected.

They enter the kitchen and Jackson flings himself down on one of the chairs, relievingly clothed again and giving him a dirty look. Jaebum nearly coughs on the gulp of water he just took.

"Ah... you guys are done so fast?" he chirps innocently to break the silence.

Jackson pouts. "Thanks to you. You ruined the mood," he says flatly. Jaebum winces at his bluntness.

Mark is thankfully tactful enough not to say anything, leaning quietly against the doorway and lifting one blase eyebrow at Jaebum. Jaebum can't tell if he's amused or annoyed.

Jaebum knows he should leave it alone and skitter from the kitchen as quick as humanly possible. But if he didn't rib his two closest friends in some way after witnessing such a scene, his name wouldn't be Im Jaebum.

"I didn't know Mark wore the pants in your relationship," he cackles to Jackson as he sails beyond his reach before Jackson's brows rush together and he starts bristling with embarrassment.

This finally elicits a response from Mark. While Jackson is sputtering and looking ready to give Jaebum a wedgie with _his_ pants, Mark asks him, "Why are you surprised?"

Jaebum swallows at the intent way Mark is peering at him, waiting for his answer seriously. He realises belatedly that his words sounded vaguely like an insult.

"Uh... I was just kidding." Now, he decides it's time to scuttle out of the kitchen and leave them alone to resolve their unresolved sexual tension.

Mark drops his usual unruffled chill for a moment, giving Jaebum the middle finger as he squeezes past him awkwardly to slink back to his room.

 

Still, he knows their pretense at irritation is good-natured and to tease him as much as he torments them. All of them are the typical easygoing boys, forgetting grudges from the previous day as soon as they wake up the next morning. But Mark and Jackson seem to be wanting to nurture their budding relationship carefully as well, not minding being public about their relationship but looking mildly uncomfortable when the other boys go overboard with their crude jokes and sleazy innuendos.

Some part of Jaebum privately envies the way they are confident enough about their relationship and its steadiness not to have to pretend they aren't totally into each other, hide the way they only have eyes for each other.

But when Mark casually slaps Jackson's ass with an appreciative smack as he bends over the table to reach the marmalade jar, Jaebum squeaks in outrage and quickly claps a hand over his daughter's impressionable eyes. She shrieks shrilly in protest as she has been using crayons to fill out a page in her colouring book with great enjoyment till then.

"Can you guys dial it down a little, please? There's a _child_ here." He's got the bossy-PTA-mom tone down pat.

"Oops." Mark immediately removes his hand, looking genuinely sheepish and shooting Dabin an apologetic smile she doesn't see because Jaebum is still obscuring her eyes.

"Not my fault I have such a gropable ass," Jackson shrugs unrepentantly, stuffing his mouth with marmalade-smeared bread. Crumbs fall out and they can see all the chewed-up bread when he talks with his mouth open. Everyone looks disgusted except Mark who is beholding him with the awed adoration of art students at an authentic Monet.

This time, before Jaebum can fumble to cover Dabin's ears, Jinyoung comes to his rescue by clapping both his hands gently over the sides of his daughter's head and glowering at Jackson with equal scandalized outrage. "Wang Jackson, behave," he hisses.

Jackson only smirks at him unapologetically in that half-flirtatious way that used to amuse Jaebum but only ticks him off now. Jackson and Jinyoung have always had this ambiguous and very physically affectionate relationship, both of them being the more touchy members of the fraternity. It never used to bother Jaebum when others touched Jinyoung freely, but now... He clears his throat and tries not to overanalyze it. After all he just saw Jackson in the car with Mark last night.

They have all been painstakingly careful to cut swear words out of their previously colourful vocabularies since Dabin's arrival, at least when she's within earshot. But the occasional one still slips through the net and all Jaebum can do is hope that it will not stick with Dabin.

 

"Does this mean I can use Jackson hyung's room for my clothes now?" Bambam chimes in, apropos of nothing. As usual, he doesn't even bother to pause in his healthy appetite which Jinyoung has fawned over many times with maternal pride because Bambam has the most impressive metabolism and height growth among them. He is also their resident fashionista and owns more clothes, shoes and accessories than his closet and room can fit.

"What? Why?" Jackson's eyes snap to him, his face reddening. It's interesting that Jaebum has seen Jackson blush more times in merely the past month than in the two years he has known him.

Youngjae chortles understandingly. "Don't you sleep in Mark hyung's room at night now? It's okay, you don't have to hide it from us."

"What? No I don't," Jackson immediately snaps defensively.

They all look skeptical at his denial except Jaebum, who actually believes it might be true.

"Guys, don't jump to conclusions. They have a better place than Mark's room to get it on." Jaebum shoots the happy couple a positively evil grin, just to get back at Jackson pettily for smirking at Jinyoung, and feels his heart swell when he hears Jinyoung's muffled chuckle.

Mark narrows his eyes at Jaebum again the way he did while asking his final question the previous night. Jackson makes a threatening slashing gesture over his throat and shoots Jaebum a warning glare to shut up.

None of them get it at first. Only after a few minutes does the comprehension belatedly dawn on their faces with comically simultaneous timing.

"Oh my god," Yugyeom says, sounding horrified. He addresses Mark dramatically. "I am never riding your car again." Youngjae backs his boyfriend up with an accusing nod.

 

He should've known better than to mess with Jackson. Mark is secretly a giant teddy bear, but Jackson is big on payback. He's almost as good at holding petty grudges as Jinyoung (the meat grudge between them and Bambam is already legend in their frat).

So when Jinyoung wanders out of his room one morning to Jaebum's covert eager eyes (Jinyoung was emerging later than usual this morning and he was wondering if he should offer to go and wake him) and asks with innocent puzzlement, scratching his head: "Did anyone see my ripped sweater?" Jaebum is so caught by surprise he doesn't even notice Jackson slinking away from the table furtively.

His glass nearly slips out of his hand and shatters on the kitchen floor when Jackson reenters the kitchen five minutes later, a triumphant shit-eating grin on his face.

"Is it this one?" He holds up a familiar black knitted sweater, the one with gaping holes that reveal Jinyoung's bare creamy shoulders when he wears it. "I found it in Jaebum hyung's room. Under his pillow." He looks straight at Jaebum with a smug smile as he booms this, then mouths to him the words _sweet payback_.

Jaebum is gasping speechlessly like a fish out of water. His face is on fire. He wants to deny this, dismiss Jackson as lying and making it up, except for the part where it's completely true. Three days ago, while Jinyoung was in the shower, Jaebum had sneaked into his room and borrowed... okay, _stolen_ the sweater and scurried back to his own room to shove it under his pillow like a dirty secret. But not before burying his face in it and inhaling deeply. And immediately getting a stiff hard-on. And stumbling to his door to lock it and fall back into his bed, jerking himself off with rough sloppy strokes towards an orgasm so amazing he had nearly sobbed with the guilt and the filthiness.

But apparently he didn't feel guilty enough not to repeat this another two times since then.

 

Bambam grabs the sweater curiously, studying it with interest. "Oh, is this Jinyoung hyung's sexy sweater? I wanna borrow it too! Wait, why is it kinda sticky?" He screws up his face, gingerly probing the fluffy wool. Jaebum wants to die.

Mark glances at him with a knowing smile closer to a smirk, and Jaebum curses his loyalty to his evil boyfriend as he leans over to Bambam to whisper into his ear. He can't hear Mark's low murmur but Jaebum can pretty much guess what Mark is filling Bambam's head with as Bambam's eyes widen to appalled saucers and he drops the sweater like a hot potato. Bambam swivels large accusatory eyes on Jaebum as the sweater slips to the ground in a puddle and Jinyoung bends to pick it up, his ears now flaming visibly too and his face the picture of regret.

He still hasn't met Jaebum's eyes and Jaebum is frantic having no idea what Jinyoung feels about him pillaging his room and burgling his sweater. But relief floods him in such a wave he almost sobs as Jinyoung saves calmly, like a superhero coming to his rescue, "Oh sorry, I forgot. I left it under Jaebum hyung's pillow a few days ago when I was studying in his room."

"Did you now." Jackson's smirk widens as he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at him, clearly not believing a word. Jinyoung looks shaken but keeps an admirably straight face, nodding his head solemnly. Jaebum is frozen in place, unable to talk or move.

"I can't," Yugyeom groans. "The secondhand embarrassment here is too real." It's just Jaebum's luck that this happened when all seven of them are present. He couldn't have picked a worse time if he tried.

"What's happening?" Youngjae, bless his sweet heart, actually looks like the only one who hasn't caught on.

Yugyeom sighs and protectively pats his boyfriend's hand. "It's better you don't know, baby."

Jaebum has reached his breaking point. He can't take it any longer. A strangled sob escapes his throat as he stands with a clatter and pivots on his heel, fleeing from the kitchen and their judgmental stares.

 

Jaebum sits alone on one of the swings in the rusty swing set on the dilapidated playground at the park near their house for ten minutes, before he hears footsteps approaching.

He looks up sharply to see Jinyoung, and his immediate instinct is to stand up in panic. He wants to run away; isn't prepared for what Jinyoung will say. But it's been years since he played on the swings with Jinyoung in middle school, pushing each other as high as they could, and Jaebum finds his adult-sized body stuck in the child-sized swing.

Jinyoung skids to a breathless halt in front of him, panting. "Hyung."

There is no rebuke or disgust in his voice, nothing but tenderness. Jaebum could cry.

Jinyoung laughs at him trying to squeeze out of the swing seat like an elephant into a tutu, and stills his struggles effortlessly with a light hand on the back of his own. He attributes that caress of the knuckles to his overactive imagination.

Jinyoung squeezes his body into the other swing, sitting down and joining him. Jaebum doesn't know what to say. He feels so exposed, the darkest parts of him thrown under a microscope, like a snail without its shell.

Jinyoung leans closer, taking his hands into his own naturally. Jinyoung's hands are comfortably big, enveloping Jaebum's reassuringly. When had Jinyoung's hands grown so big?

Without warning, Jinyoung raises Jaebum's left hand -- the hand he used to jerk himself off, his other tangled in the wool of Jinyoung's sweater -- and lifts it up to his lips. His lips are unbelievably soft when he brushes them over Jaebum's knuckles in a tender kiss -- so soft Jaebum stops breathing.

"If you wanted to borrow my sweater," Jinyoung says softly, raising his eyes to Jaebum's with an unmistakable glimmer of mischief dancing in them, "You could've just asked, you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is shorter than usual because i've reached that point i always reach in all my chaptered fics when i start losing steam and everything i write sounds so flat and uninspired to me but at the same time i feel pressured when i keep getting new ideas and can't meet the wordcount goal i set for myself for that chap (i believe one of my favourite readers named this "the belly of the beast" lol) but anyway i thought i wouldn't mind too much about the length of each chapter and just try to get out what i could and write more when i feel like writing more and less when i feel like less! :) the markson in this chapter is for that lovely commenter a few chapters back who told me shes not even that much into got7 but this fic converted her to shipping markson and that is like such a colossal compliment to me?? that all my readers are so wild over the markson even though its not the main pairing ;w; thank you!!!


	10. Chapter 10

Jaebum whimpers softly, shying away under Jinyoung's gaze. His face feels so fiery, he thinks he could fry an egg on it right now.

But he knows Jinyoung doesn't mean to humiliate him; doesn't mind him taking his sweater without permission from how he came to his rescue, and when he continues soothingly: "Don't worry, Jackson won't mention it again. I've taught him a lesson."

Jinyoung doesn't mention what he did to scare Jackson into shutting up, and Jaebum finds his mysterious but reassuring smile ridiculously macho. Jinyoung is so gallant and chivalrous that Jaebum feels like swooning like a girl.

"I feel like a perv," he moans, the embarrassment still painfully visceral. "It's all your fault." He pouts at Jinyoung unreasonably.

Jinyoung breaks into a grin when he finally opens his mouth. He laughs good-naturedly, reaching out without warning to pull Jaebum into a hug.

"If you are, you must be the hottest perv in the universe," he whispers by Jaebum's ear, and Jaebum shudders at his hot breath on his sensitive earlobe. He is breathless and taken by surprise at first, but soon regains his wits enough to cunningly attempt to cop a feel, running one hand down Jinyoung's back over his spine and the other down his side, finding a grip on his hip.

On his part, Jinyoung doesn't seem to mind Jaebum's wandering hands, and the innocent comforting hug quickly turns sexual. Jaebum catches Jinyoung off guard this time when he captures his lips in a hungry and passionate kiss, cupping his face with both hands, and Jinyoung's own hands flutter helplessly at the sides of his head at first, not knowing where to place them.

Jaebum pours all his pent-up desire from the past few days into the kiss. When he releases Jinyoung, he's gasping for air, eyes wide and face as red as Jaebum's now, he notes with satisfaction.

Jinyoung groans, burying his face in his hands. His voice has been wrecked into a hoarse whimper as well. "You've officially ruined everyone else for me," he says through his fingers.

"Good," Jaebum replies grimly. Jinyoung looks dismayed as he jokingly hits Jaebum's chest and Jaebum catches his hands in his, play-fighting gently. The chains of their swings cling and twist together as they cuddle in the public playground, probably being a bad influence on any children visiting but not caring.

"When do you think they'll forget about it?" Jaebum asks, the incident still on his mind.

Jinyoung laughs and shakes his head, his lack of reply enough of an answer.

Jaebum is stricken. "Let's elope and run away from this place," he pleads dramatically. Jinyoung is clutching his stomach, laughing too hard to reply.

"Oh, hyung. All right. Let's go back and pack our bags now, then," he says indulgently, squeezing out of the swing seat with difficulty and standing up.

Jaebum pouts up at him. Jinyoung looks down at him fondly, reaching out to tweak his nose.

"You're so cute."

"I hate you," Jaebum mutters disconsolately, but is easily distracted by Jinyoung's able hands grazing his hips gently to help him out of his swing.

 

"Look on the bright side," Jinyoung remarks as they walk home hand-in-hand at a leisurely pace, "At least we don't have to hide it anymore." As always, Jinyoung's positive optimism is undimmable and he makes way too much sense for Jaebum's comfort.

 

 _Jinyoung's cock_. For a thought which never once occurred to Jaebum before they started dating, these words haunt him with ludicrous frequency now, popping into his mind unavoidably on an average of twenty-four times a day -- once an hour.

There are so many mysteries to ponder about this. For instance, how long is it? How many inches? How thick? How soft? How hard? What temperature? What colour? What texture? How would it feel in Jaebum's left hand? How hairy is Jinyoung? How responsive?

These are some of the questions which plague Jaebum. He finds himself regretting he never stared at Jinyoung's crotch more when he had the chance before this, especially a few years ago when they were still young enough to shower together during sleepovers at each other's houses. He had merely given Jinyoung's body the requisite brief cursory glance, foolishly not taking an inventory of his assets.

Nowadays, Jinyoung wears body-fitting clothes way too seldom, in Jaebum's opinion. Or too much, depending on how he sees it (he occasionally fights the overpowering urge to throw his jacket or a huge blanket over Jinyoung's entire body to cover him from the glances of others). Since they started college and no longer needed to wear uniforms, he started dressing in typical frat-boy, casual college student fashion, though he never looked sloppy unlike other guys. He favours high-waisted denim jeans instead of the thigh-hugging skinnies Bambam and Mark like, t-shirts with witty sayings or cute designs usually topped off with a jacket to smarten up the outfit.

But even from the loose-fitting jeans, Jaebum can discern the bulge of his crotch -- which means that Jinyoung's dick is pretty sizeable. Jaebum swallows his saliva and tries to fight down the tightening of his own crotch. His fingers clench in his own jeans, clammy with how desperately he wants to see Jinyoung's cock. Just one glimpse would be enough fuel a million of his fantasies.

But how could he humanly make such a request?

 

It drives him insane now, the parts of Jinyoung's body that are covered up and hidden from his eyes. Not just the literal ones by clothes but also the depths of Jinyoung's mind, the thoughts he cannot read and Jinyoung doesn't voice out to him. Jaebum wants to see everything about Jinyoung; wants Jinyoung to tell him everything he's thinking.

But when he tells Jinyoung this, he only laughs incredulously, looking flattered and bowled over by Jaebum's intensity.

"You already know everything about me, Jaebum hyung," Jinyoung says softly. If he didn't know better Jaebum would believe it.

"It's not enough," he mutters, implacable and insatiable. Jaebum wants to map every inch of Jinyoung's skin with his hands and traverse every possible route in the maze of his complex mind.

 

He is relieved and mollified to see that Jinyoung isn't unaffected by him either, to hear Jinyoung expressing how undone Jaebum makes him feel.

"I thought it would be easier once you knew and accepted my feelings," he whispers, deft fingers threading through Jaebum's hair in the boys' toilet at the university, both of them cramped into a cubicle and kissing as sloppily and lewdly as they can without making a single noise.

Jaebum nips his bottom lip, half playful, half desperate, and Jinyoung gasps. "I was wrong. Now... I can't even breathe without you."

Jinyoung's words, his bare honesty and stripped half-lidded eyes, are like a physical blow to Jaebum. He pins Jinyoung's shoulders to the toilet door and drags him into another bruising kiss, then falls to his knees and sucks a trail of hickeys down from his chest to above the button of his jeans, where his happy trail begins. Jaebum greedily laps at the faint line of down with his tongue, stopping where it disappears into denim and Jinyoung's hands are knotted tightly in his hair, crotch noticeably more tented and hips bucking up sporadically.

They look like they've been in a scuffle when they emerge from the cubicle shiftily after too long, reluctantly when the bell starts to ring. Jinyoung's lip is bleeding a little from where Jaebum had bitten it accidentally on purpose and he's taking deep breaths, palming his crotch through his jeans. It's the single most sexiest sight Jaebum has ever seen.

 

He knows exactly what Jinyoung means. For some reason, he thought that his thirst would be quenched, his hunger toned down, the passion dimming slightly after their relationship stabilised and was established. Once his claim on Jinyoung was staked, and he had marked his territory. But conversely, Jaebum now finds himself more deathly afraid to lose Jinyoung, more urgent to possess him completely, and more needy.

Nothing is enough. Never enough when it's Jinyoung. Jaebum has never been a man of particularly big appetites -- he's ambitious, yes, but he's never known what _craving_ means before Jinyoung. When it comes to his appetite for Jinyoung, there seems to be no end to it. It's a big black hole, insatiable and depthless.

Now that they have mutually realised their feelings, he thought he would feel calmer and more secure. He didn't expect it to hurt more, to feel more tenuous and fragile. In that way, Jinyoung is like a drug and he the addict -- he assumed just one taste would be enough to satisfy him, not knowing that it was just the beginning of an all-consuming intoxication.

He feels like a myopic who has put on brand-new prescription glasses so the world is suddenly illuminated in crystalline clarity, the unsparing way he sees how exquisitely precious and agonizingly beautiful Jinyoung is and has always been now without the scales covering his eyes. Previously, as best friends, Jaebum thought they were as close as two people could get.

He had no idea.

Entering into a romantic relationship means a whole new level of closeness, doubles the dimension and depth and expands the world of his senses attuned to Jinyoung. Not only does Jaebum intuit what he is thinking mentally now, he also feels the physical pull of Jinyoung's body and flesh, his masculine warmth and the musky and thrillingly foreign scent of another man besides himself.

 

As a friend, Jinyoung was of the most loyal pedigree, exceptional and irreproachable. He's the best kind of friend anyone could have or wish for. But amazingly, Jaebum finds out that he's an even better lover than he is a friend. He probably shouldn't be surprised, since he already knew that the more attention Jinyoung devotes to a person, the more loved they would naturally be.

He is gratified when Jinyoung seems to read his thoughts again one day, echoing his sentiments as he remarks, "You know, you were a really great friend. But you're an even better boyfriend."

He blushes at the way Jaebum is looking deeply and searchingly into his eyes, speechless with gratitude.

"I guess we fit better as lovers than friends," Jaebum murmurs, eyes lowering and seeking Jinyoung's lips, and Jinyoung nods, his warm hand sliding up Jaebum's arm a wordless reply. He couldn't agree more.

"Remind me again why we never tried this before in the last ten years," Jaebum gasps breathlessly when he finally manages to break away ten minutes later. Kissing Jinyoung is like learning to breathe underwater -- the more they practice, the better they get at holding their breath and the longer their kisses last.

Jinyoung breathes labouredly, eyes dark and hazy on his. "I have absolutely no idea." His voice is the husky deep it always gets after Jaebum has kissed him senseless.

They both realise at the same time how crazy, inconceivable it is that they never experimented with each other growing up, the oldest cliche in the best-friends-of-the-same-gender trope. Even Mark and Jackson had confessed to recalling experimenting with each other one or two times when they were drunk out of their minds before they got together during a recent game of truth-or-dare, and they hadn't been best friends for half as long as Jaebum and Jinyoung had.

He guesses it's partially due to himself being so dense for so long, as well as Jinyoung deliberately being cautious to hide his own feelings. It's nothing short of tragic, truly, but --

"It's never too late to start making up for lost time," Jinyoung whispers, tugging him down again, and Jaebum laughs breathlessly, opening his mouth and forgetting everything.

 

"Jaebum hyung, you're so manly!" He nearly falls off his precarious perch on the chair he's standing on to replace the lightbulb in their living room at the sound of Jinyoung's breathless squeal.

Jaebum teeters on the chair for a moment as he whips his head back to look down at Jinyoung standing at the foot of the chair starry-eyed with his hands clasped together. He shoots a relieved and hopefully suave smile down and finishes screwing on the lightbulb sweating a little more.

"God help us," Jackson raises his eyes to the ceiling and intones flatly from the couch where he is seated with his legs imperiously in Mark's lap. Mark is massaging his feet with slavish worship as if he's a celestial deity. Jaebum pointedly looks at the way his soles are teasingly kneading against Mark's crotch and drawing low whimpers but they have the cheek to look hypocritically unashamed.

Jaebum climbs down from the chair and switches on the light to check if it's working, unusually flustered himself. He's noticed that after the sweater incident, Jinyoung seems to be hitting on him with an increased frequency, as if making up for lost time. He has a seemingly inexhaustible arsenal of flirtatious and smooth pick-up lines, just this side of greasy.

For instance, just the previous evening at dinner, Jinyoung had casually queried, after wiping his lips on a paper napkin, "Did you sit in a pill of sugar, hyung?"

"What? N-no, why?" Jaebum had stammered with an ominous premonition, confused, and a smug smile like that of a cat sighting milk had spread over Jinyoung's lips.

"Because you have a sweet ass," he countered triumphantly, and Jaebum started coughing so hard the water he was drinking came out through his nose.

Okay, so maybe Jackson has a point. They might be going a little overboard with the PDA. But Jaebum doesn't know what to do, has no idea how to deal with this new dangerously slick and Casanova-like Jinyoung. He seems to have been emboldened by the knowledge that Jaebum desires him so much he stole his sweatshirt to jerk off. This makes Jaebum feel resentful and thrilled at the same time. He feels unaccountably like Jinyoung has gotten the upper hand in their tug-of-war somehow, and is lording it over him.

 

But things seem to be escalating beyond Jaebum's control. He thinks Jinyoung's fanboying over the lightbulb is the last of his overtures for the day, not expecting at dinner that evening while innocently eating his rice to feel a hand being placed on his thigh.

His spoon stops in midair, nearly slipping from his hand as his round eyes travel up to Jinyoung sitting calmly and angelically next to him, spooning rice into his own mouth. He hadn't even stopped eating.

Jaebum panics, furtively glancing around the table to see if anyone noticed his shock. Thankfully everyone is too busy stuffing their mouths and Jaebum grips his spoon tightly again, trying to resume eating. He considers moving his hand to his lap to pry Jinyoung's hand off but is secretly enjoying the weight and pressure of Jinyoung's warm and slightly arousing touch.

... Until his spoon drops a second time with a dramatic clink when Jinyoung starts walking his fingers with deliberate slowness up Jaebum's leg, sliding dangerously towards his inner thigh and pausing about an inch from his crotch. Jaebum's stomach is suddenly churning, his pants tightening and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, eyes fixed on Jinyoung in alarm.

Jinyoung is sipping from his glass of water with his eyes facing straight ahead, no hint of what he is doing at all on his unperturbed expression except for the slightest beginnings of a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. Jaebum glares mutely at him, close to tears.

So he does the only thing he can do as Jinyoung's fingers start moving again, closing in on his groin -- he crosses one leg over the other, effectively wedging Jinyoung's hand between his two thighs tightly enough to stop his advance. He knows Jinyoung didn't expect his action when he hears the slight intake of breath on his right and feels vengefully smug. Jinyoung tries to retract his hand but Jaebum presses his thighs together, not allowing him to extract it and ignoring the sharp glance Jinyoung shoots him.

They are still stuck in this awkward-but-strangely-comfortable position, the silent battle of wills when Bambam pipes up, making them both jump, Jaebum suppressing a shudder when the movement makes Jinyoung's finger graze his crotch, his fingernail scraping Jaebum's sensitive dick.

"Are you guys playing footsie?!"

Jaebum sees Jinyoung's mouth open from the corner of his eye, about to reply but the blood drains out of his face as Yugyeom replies Bambam calmly, "No, Jinyoung hyung is giving Jaebum hyung a handjob under the table."

Jinyoung leaps up so fast, he bangs hard into the table causing Jackson's soup to slop all over his clothes. Half of them start freaking out all at once, some vocally and others silently. Jaebum wants more than anything to make a dash for his room and leave the pandemonic scene, but he is miserably stuck at the table counting from one to a hundred until the suspicious bulge in his pants subsides. In the meantime, he contents himself with grimly watching Jinyoung pummel the daylights out of Yugyeom with a remarkably unmaternal viciousness.

In the background, Bambam is wailing, "Help, I'm scarred for life!" Mark is taking a much longer time and dedication than necessary to help Jackson wipe the front of his pants clean, even kneeling down before him and shoving his face closer so he can "get it all off". Jackson is moaning, presumably still about the spilled soup.

Jaebum is just sitting there thanking the heavens his daughter isn't present at dinner today. But then again, maybe he should bring her along from now on to place her between him and Jinyoung as a buffer. Phase one of _Operation Jinyoung-proofing_.

 

As the days treacle by and both the affection and tension between them only mounts, Jaebum finds himself so bewitched by Jinyoung that he forgets who he is sometimes; that he is also a student and a father. If he could, he would gladly exist only in his capacity of Jinyoung's lover, every day a flurry of clandestine touches and stolen kisses.

He's not new to the sensation of losing sight of his life in the initial heady stages of a romance, but he has never had so much responsibility on his shoulders before, so much at stake. Both because he now has Dabin to consider and also because he has never been so serious about anyone before. Jinyoung is the first person Jaebum has ever dated who makes him think of _forever_.

But he feels guilty knowing that not only are his grades at risk of suffering, he has also been neglecting Dabin slightly since he began this relationship and got sucked into its vortex like quicksand.

But when he broaches his worry to Jinyoung, he is quick to reassure Jaebum.

"This is exactly what I love about you," he murmurs a sultry whisper that sounds like molten chocolate and instantly sets Jaebum a little more at ease. Jinyoung's adoring, worshipful eyes, once again pure and undarkened by the teasing lustiness that has filled them of late, make him feel like he is anything but an incompetent parent.

"What?" Jaebum breathes eagerly, and Jinyoung laughs.

But he explains himself meticulously, even a little shyly. "I love how you always do your best. Everything you do, you never do it half-heartedly. Whether it's your studies, being a father, or committing to a relationship -- when you decide to do something, you always put your whole heart into it."

Jaebum blushes hotly at the open admiration in Jinyoung's voice, the respect in his words. It seems that lately they have been trading coy and innuendoed words more often, being less upfront and straightforward than before. It's refreshing and deeply moving to see Jinyoung baring his heart like this, the awe he has for Jaebum not merely as a lover but also as a person reflected clearly in his eyes.

"Praise me more," he blurts out, voice embarrassingly needy. Jinyoung's eyes widen, startled, then soften. They darken with silent laughter but he doesn't jibe Jaebum, continuing in all seriousness, "I know I said you think too much, but I actually love how you contemplate everything so carefully. I love the way you think about things. You're so profound. So deep."

"Would you like me deeper?" In a flash, surprising both of them, Jaebum is much more in Jinyoung's personal space as he backs him against the wall. Towering over him and enjoying their tiny but still present height difference, the inch he has on Jinyoung and the advantage in physical size and aura. He thinks of how Jinyoung has been driving him to distraction with his coy teasing lately. Well, two can play at this game.

"Don't you dare show this expression to anyone else," he lowers his mouth to Jinyoung's ear and murmurs, low, "Or else..." Jaebum lets his words trail off deliberately and gives Jinyoung's earlobe a threatening lick.

Jaebum thrills at the shudder that pulsates through Jinyoung's frozen body, his harshening breathing and the way he has managed to take Jinyoung's glib power of speech away for a second. Jinyoung can act out and play sassy all he likes, but Jaebum will be damned if he lets him forget who the _hyung_ is between them.

 

But as Jinyoung recovers and seizes his hips aggressively, grinding his crotch against his wantonly, Jaebum realises he has underestimated Jinyoung. In the end, it's Jinyoung who has the balls to carry this further than the point they have reached and remained at for more than a month now.

"If we're going to tally offenses," he drawls, old feline smirk reppearing, "why don't we start with all the cold showers you made me take when you walked around the house topless?"

Jaebum gulps. He is always floored by how Jinyoung's expression can morph in an instant, this time from innocent to devilish. As expected from a minor in acting.

But more importantly, Jaebum had no idea Jinyoung had taken cold showers because of him, because he sometimes paraded around the house half-naked with only a towel dangling precariously from his hipbones, like all the others (except Jinyoung, he now realises though he had only assumed he was shy because Jinyoung always complained about his lack of muscle definition).

Even though he knows he shouldn't be happy or proud about putting Jinyoung through suffering, he feels a wave of pleasure suffuse him.

"I'm sorry," he apologises insincerely. "Are you mad at me?" His voice has dropped to the helpless whimper it usually does when Jinyoung gets all domineering and badass.

"You know me, hyung," Jinyoung smiles, positively purring. "I don't get mad; I get _even_."

"Are you going to p-punish me?" Jaebum is definitely not enjoying this as much as Jinyoung's knowing Cheshire grin implies. "Have mercy, Jinyoung-ah!" In a new record, he even busts out his rusty and cringeworthy _aegyo_. Jinyoung looks a mixture of disturbed, amused and dazzled. His lips twitch as if suppressing a smile.

Before Jaebum knows what is happening, Jinyoung is on his knees in front of him.

 

"Don't look so shocked." Jinyoung gazes up at him through sooty eyelashes, amusement now apparent in his darkened eyes. "I'm not that innocent anymore, Jaebum hyung. I have experience too."

 _Experience?_ This is news to Jaebum, and comes as a shock to his system like ice water over his head. He was aware that Jinyoung had dated and kissed other girls, but assumed that was as far as his experience went. Now, he desperately needs to know: How far has Jinyoung gone with other people?

He curses under his breath, still unable even after so long to get over the fact that he could have been Jinyoung's first and only if he had wanted. That Jinyoung is no longer the baby, child, little brother Jaebum saw him as for so long. Maybe he never was.

To hide his emotions, Jaebum makes his voice silky. "Oh really? Show me how grown up you are, then."

The glitter that enters Jinyoung's eyes makes his dick jump in the confines of his pants; makes him finally take stock of the slightly surreal situation they are in -- Jinyoung kneeling before him on the landing of the second floor, his face alarmingly near Jaebum's crotch and Jaebum probably about to receive his first blowjob in a few seconds time if he plays his cards right.

He wishes he could say they are alone in the house and in no danger of being discovered, but it unfortunately isn't true. They have only remained uninterrupted till now out of pure luck and knowing how ironical his fortune is someone will probably walk in on them at the worst possible time such as when Jaebum has his dick out of his pants and in Jinyoung's mouth. He is already doomed to spending the rest of his university life living down the famed sweater fiasco -- Jaebum doesn't need another scandal on his record.

 

Roughly, he grabs Jinyoung's shoulders, hauls him to his feet and drags the both of them the few paces to the open bathroom, where he slams Jinyoung against the closed door and kisses him hard and meaningful.

His heart pounding, he backs off a little, Jinyoung looking so savaged against the door that he nearly takes him right there. "Are you sure?" Jaebum demands tightly.

Jinyoung smiles placidly, the certainty in his eyes finally silencing Jaebum. He puts his hands on Jaebum's shoulders and steers him to lean against the door gently this time. Then Jinyoung drops to his knees again in front of Jaebum, with a breathtaking feline grace. He grips Jaebum's hipbones, fingers slowly tightening. Jaebum's breathing shortens, looking down hungrily at Jinyoung and not bearing to blink. He feels the best mixture of afraid and excited -- a kind of aroused trepidation that makes his blood sing.

"How long has it been since your last time?" Jinyoung asks him softly, the carelessness of his voice belying the sharp curiosity in his eyes, glossy as they stare up into Jaebum's, slowly but deftly unfastening the buckle of his belt.

Jaebum swallows, blushing. He wets his lips. "It's... my first time," he admits bashfully, and Jinyoung's hands stop.

"You've never...?" He looks more stunned than Jaebum thinks he should, but he can't bring himself to be offended when Jinyoung's face lights up with unadulterated joy that makes Jaebum feel suddenly thankful they can at least have _this_ first together, as dubious an honour as it is.

He shakes his head, shy and embarrassed. His last relationship had been two years ago, with Sooyeon, and considering his age, his relationships so far were naturally pretty vanilla and unadventurous. Still, like any other guy, he had hoped to live out his blowjob fantasies someday.

 _How about you?_ The words are on the tip of his tongue, but Jaebum can't spit them out, is afraid to hear the answer. He knows it's stupid, isn't important, but whether Jinyoung has blown any other guy before is suddenly so important to him that Jaebum can't take yes for an answer. it would break him if Jinyoung casually told him the other places his mouth has been.

 

Jinyoung's enthusiasm seems to have been renewed by this news, and he tosses Jaebum's belt carelessly to the floor beside him, starting to work his button and zipper.

Jaebum can hardly keep himself from hyperventilating or affect as much composure as Jinyoung. This is the best kind of unplanned and he had never in his wildest dreams expected to receive a blowjob today.

Jinyoung's fingers are moving quickly and impossibly skilfully over his clothes and then his bare pelvis, and Jaebum tries to concentrate but his mind is spinning, all his chaotic thoughts and feelings seeming to have rushed to one spot in his body, concentrated in his suddenly achingly hard cock.

Jaebum's jeans slide down his legs and pool around his ankles. He can see the tent of his erection when he looks down, and Jinyoung inhales softly at its size. Jaebum balls his hands into fists to fight back the urge to grab the back of Jinyoung's head and shove his cock against his mouth, nudging his lips open.

Jinyoung hooks his fingers carefully into the waistband of Jaebum's underwear. Painfully slowly, he lowers it and Jaebum's cock springs out, the tip grazing Jinyoung's lips. It makes his head snap back against the door with a crack and a groan of surprised agony slip from his lips.

He quickly bites his tongue the moment the shudder passes through him, leaving him in a cold sweat with a doubly throbbing cock. Jinyoung is murmuring soothing and hushing words as he gently takes the base of Jaebum's cock into the circle of his fingers, caressing his balls and pubic hair. Precome is pearling rapidly at the tip of Jaebum's distended cock and Jinyoung laps it away slowly, so as not to startle him again, and starts nuzzling his lips against the head of Jaebum's cock.

(He has the presence of mind to wonder fleetingly if Jinyoung likes what he sees, if Jaebum's dick disappoints him, but the blind reverence and ravenous hunger Jinyoung is gazing at his bobbing cock with goes straight to his ego.)

Jaebum breathes through his mouth and consciously tries not to snap his hips forward as Jinyoung takes his cock into his mouth with care. Every additional inch that his cock slides deeper into Jinyoung's mouth, past the scrape of his teeth and into that heavenly warmth, makes the delirious pleasure Jaebum is swimming in even more overwhelming. Jinyoung's fingers are still carefully wrapped around the base of his cock but his movements though enthusiastic are hesitant and clumsy in a way that makes Jaebum feel dizzyingly hopeful.

His cock is fully erect now, and he can hear Jinyoung struggle to breathe as he goes down on it with determination, till his lips manage to touch the circle of his fingers and Jaebum feels the indescribable sensation of being fully enveloped in tight hot warmth and suction. Finally unable to contain himself any longer, he makes a shallow thrust forward, a hand reaching down blindly towards the back Jinyoung's head and twisting in his hair. Jinyoung doesn't resist and he feels himself bottoming out fully, the back of Jinyoung's throat clenching over the sensitive head of his cock in his gag reflex.

Jaebum is ashamed that he almost comes there and then, that his cock thickens and jerks warningly in Jinyoung's mouth, his other hand clamping over his own for fear of letting out another cry. But with an effort he manages to keep his orgasm at bay and looks down at Jinyoung through glazed eyes.

His heart is galloping, hips starting to thrust forward uncontrollably and building up towards a punishing rhythm as he sees Jinyoung's cheeks hollowing over his cock as he sucks Jaebum with touching passion. The sight of himself disappearing into Jinyoung's mouth, how much Jinyoung can take, his cock sliding almost too easily through the rounded circle of his slick lips, and the _noises_ \-- the erotically disgusting noises of saliva and his cock slapping the back of Jinyoung's throat -- almost sends him over the edge.

Jinyoung looks so lewd muffling his shameless moans over Jaebum's cock, his tongue doing _things_ that make Jaebum unable to think straight as he swirls them around Jaebum's stiffening dick. Jaebum wants to fuck his mouth open, wreck those plump, cherry pink lips. He wants to fuck Jinyoung's throat so raw Jaebum will be able to hear him in every word he speaks for days.

Jaebum's entire body feels like it's erupting in festeringly hot blisters, heat swiftly pooling at the pit of his stomach and his approaching climax impending in the tightening of his balls, like water building behind a dam. He senses that Jinyoung feels the scorching heat too from how his fingers slacken in surprise over Jaebum's rigid dick, then tighten again to coax him faster to his release while his other hand reaches down shakily to squeeze his own crotch hard through his jeans.

"Jinyoung," Jaebum grits out, his hips stuttering and thighs quaking with the effort of holding his orgasm from erupting. "I'm going to --"

Jinyoung nods quickly, his mouth full of Jaebum's cock, and the movement goes straight to Jaebum's dick, beyond his last reserves of control as he makes a final deep thrust into Jinyoung's tight throat, coming hot and furiously down his throat. Jinyoung's throat tightens a few more times over the sensitive head of Jaebum's cock as he swallows most of it, a little trickling out from the sides of his mouth. Jaebum jumps when Jinyoung's fingers reach up to wipe it and brush against the side of his nearly flaccid cock, his nerve endings still raw and on overdrive.

He feels himself spiralling down from his high, and from a height he has never been to, even when he had gone all the way with penetrative sex with a girl. He wonders if he has a weakness for blowjobs he doesn't know about -- or if it's just because it's Jinyoung. He has a feeling it's the latter.

 

Jinyoung slides his mouth off Jaebum's limp cock with a wet popping noise that makes Jaebum flush. He feels vulnerable now, Jinyoung eye-to-eye with his flushed and reddened cock and seeing more than Jaebum is comfortable with. Jinyoung looks slightly stunned too and still a little dazed from the intensity of their first oral sex experience, but he dutifully helps Jaebum pull his underwear up and clumsily lifts his jeans back over his hips. Together, with fumbling and awkwardly brushing hands, they manage to zip and fasten it before Jaebum's still-quavering thighs finally give out to the aftershocks wracking his body. He slumps and sinks to the floor, limbless and rubbery, leaning his back against the door in relief and finally able to meet Jinyoung's eyes at the same level.

Jinyoung blushes prettily, licking the last traces of Jaebum's come off his pillowy lips self-consciously. It's so unbelievably erotic Jaebum swears his drained cock actually stirs again.

Lowering his eyes, he notices that Jinyoung's legs are folded in an uncomfortable position, and realises the reason when he sees Jinyoung's crotch. Because Jinyoung is so well-endowed, it's immediately obvious when he has a hard-on.

Jaebum's eyes widen and he thoughtlessly reaches out to palm Jinyoung's cock through his jeans. Jinyoung muffles a pained moan and closes a tense hand over Jaebum's.

"Jinyoungie," Jaebum says huskily, licking his lips. "Let hyung take care of this for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to everyone who commented on the previous chapter, the comments i received were so encouraging and kind i nearly cried ;;


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: mild daddy kink?? lol idk just a little bit at the end

Jinyoung freezes, his body stiffening beneath Jaebum's touch as their eyes lock, both of them sitting weak-kneed with their legs awkwardly folded on the toilet floor. Jinyoung's eyes are round, searching and Jaebum can read the silent question in them. _Are you sure?_

He knows how Jinyoung feels. He himself can't believe he's about to give his first blowjob to another guy in his life. Right after he received _his_ first one. Needless to say, before he started dating Jinyoung, he never imagined he would ever be the giver of any blowjobs in his entire life. Life really is full of surprises, but Jaebum isn't complaining when they're as pleasurable as this.

 

 _It's just your best friend, Park Jinyoung_ , he keeps repeating to himself as he follows Jinyoung's movements with unblinking and riveted eyes as he nods shakily, eyes bright with a mixture of excitement and desire, and gets unsteadily to his feet. Jaebum slowly raises his head till he's staring up into Jinyoung's eyes from his sitting posture on the ground. They smoulder down at him like burning embers and he blushes, dropping his gaze to look ahead. He promptly finds himself eye-to-eye with Jinyoung's dick, straining through the denim of his jeans in a very prominent bulge. Jaebum imagines he can smell the thick and heady scent of Jinyoung's precome even through the layers and blushes twice as furiously.

He quickly scrambles to his knees, which chafe slightly painfully against the cold hard ground. He welcomes the edge of pain which helps sharpen and provide a little clarity through the waves of pleasure still rolling over him and the mounting excitement threatening to overwhelm him. He realises with surprise that apart from anything else, he suddenly really, really wants to suck Jinyoung's dick. For no other reason than that he wants to taste it in his mouth, wants to see how much and how violently he can make Jinyoung come with just his lips and tongue. He is known to have the biggest mouth in the frat, scientifically proven and tested from one game at a party a few months ago when they had competed to see who could stuff the most marshmallows into his mouth.

Now, he discovers with a jolt of serendipity another way in which they fit. Jaebum has a big mouth and Jinyoung has a big dick. What could be a better match made in heaven?

 _Only his best friend_. But his repeated mantra is useless. His heart still continues beating out of his chest, if possible hammering even harder like a drum solo in a heavy metal song. He's so nervous he almost feels sick. Thick desire battles with anxiety. What if he isn't as skilled as Jinyoung? What if his ability disappoints Jinyoung and he can't make him come? This is entirely possible, what with him being a complete newbie. Hell, he hasn't even watched more than a handful of blowjob AVs. Will he get dumped for his lack of blowjob skills?

 

Unlike him, Jinyoung seems to have no such doubts, the faint anticipatory smile laced breathlessly over his lips and the way he lets his body fall with a relaxed and limp flump against the door indicating complete faith and confidence in Jaebum's potential. Jaebum doesn't want to make him wait, at least. If he can't give a professional blow, the least he could do is to give a prompt one instead of leaving Jinyoung with blue balls again.

He also finds his body inflamed by Jinyoung's quiet seduction, the way he's oozing sex from every pore of his body even when he doesn't move or speak a word. Suddenly, no matter how terrible it turns out, Jaebum just wants to try his best to please Jinyoung. He just wants to wrap his mouth around Jinyoung's cock and let it do the rest of the work.

Jinyoung smiles down at him through heavily hooded eyes, seeming to sense his resolve. He silently guides Jaebum through the fumbling steps, his gleaming eyes encouraging him that he is doing well. He undoes his button, helping Jaebum start off, then looks down at him and waits expectantly, eyes warm.

Jaebum takes Jinyoung's zipper between his teeth and tries to unzip it without his fingers, imagining that this would be a sexy turn-on. It ends up being more awkward and clumsy but Jinyoung bears with him patiently. But the glint of suppressed laughter in his eyes quickly disappears without a trace and his pupils flare with want as Jaebum hooks both thumbs into his waistband to drag his jeans down over the tent of his erection, then nuzzles his face against Jinyoung's clothed dick.

It's hot, and incredibly hard already. Jaebum can really smell the scent of Jinyoung's precome now, and it's intoxicatingly aromatic. Like an addict searching for more, he ghosts his breath over the increasing damp spot gathering on the front of Jinyoung's Calvin Klein briefs.

 

Jinyoung has one hand clamped over his mouth below wide, hungry and wolfishly dark eyes, the other clenched by his side probably because he doesn't want to grab Jaebum's hair roughly and force his cock into his mouth.

"Hurry up," Jinyoung grits out, sounding the closest to impatient and annoyed Jaebum has ever heard him. It's both incredibly amusing and arousing that this is the first thing Jaebum has ever managed to do to make Jinyoung drop his placid gentlemanly exterior.

Jaebum takes pity on him and decides to stop teasing him when Jinyoung's erection has grown so visibly that it looks painfully restrained by the tightness of his briefs. Jaebum relieves his pressure a little by slipping his fingers into the hem of Jinyoung's underwear, grazing his hipbones and tracing lingering circles with his thumbs that draw choked noises from Jinyoung, and tugs it with difficulty over Jinyoung's rigid dick to free it.

Freed from its constraints, Jinyoung's erection doesn't abate one bit, so magnificent it takes Jaebum's breath away. Jinyoung's cock is so erect it's almost at a ninety degree angle to his body, curving a little with how gorgeously flushed and engorged it is. The head looks almost painfully swollen and red, precome leaking rapidly from the slit. Jaebum inhales sharply and can't resist swiping his tongue across it to get his first taste of Jinyoung. It makes Jinyoung's hips buck uncontrollably as he bites off something that sounds half like a curse and half like Jaebum's name with his tongue. The first sight of Jinyoung's cock that he had imagined so many times both in night and daydreams not only doesn't disappoint him, but blew away all his expectations. He should've known. Just like the rest of him, Jinyoung's cock looks like a work of art lovingly sculpted by the hands of the most talented artist that ever lived.

 

Jinyoung finally loses patience with Jaebum's dawdling and with one hand, grabs the back of Jaebum's head by the hair. The other grabs the base of his cock.

"What are you waiting for?" Jinyoung's voice is thickly slurred with desire. His fingers tighten in Jaebum's hair, and Jaebum readies his mouth to be roughly stuffed full of Jinyoung's bursting cock and his throat fucked apart to the tonsils, but Jinyoung's hands are surprisingly gentle as he guides his dick towards Jaebum's slightly parted lips, smearing a little precome over his upper lip and around his mouth as he nudges his cock against Jaebum's mouth, precome nearly dripping down Jaebum's chin by now.

Jaebum instinctively opens his mouth as wide as he can, and Jinyoung lets out an obscene sigh of relief and satisfaction as the warmth of Jaebum's mouth envelops him. Jinyoung lets go of the hand holding his cock to cover his mouth again, as if afraid of losing control of his vocal chords, and Jaebum quickly takes over. He tentatively splays his fingers over Jinyoung's pelvis on both sides of his cock, tugging at his pubic hair and circling the base. Jinyoung hisses and makes a shallow thrust into his mouth, pushing himself deeper into Jaebum's throat. He flinches as Jaebum's teeth scrape his length and Jaebum hastily does his best to sheathe them behind his lips, worried about causing him pain.

Thankfully Jinyoung seems to be feeling much more pleasure than pain, physically swelling in size once Jaebum has pushed himself down with difficulty till his lips can almost touch Jinyoung's pelvis and completely envelop the base of his cock like a tight glove, filling Jaebum's mouth entirely and utterly till he can't speak or move his throat or mouth, can't even breathe except through his nose. His hands find their way to Jinyoung's prominent hipbones and grapple for purchase, as Jinyoung cants forward a little in a few sporadic thrusts and he tries not to cough or gag.

Jinyoung is still rapidly leaking precome from his slit, and Jaebum feels the drops trickling down his throat, tasting bitter and salty. A foreign and not exactly pleasant taste but because it's Jinyoung, Jaebum swallows it all greedily like he was born to do it and even continues sucking, trying to milk Jinyoung for more.

Jinyoung seems to want to fuck his mouth properly, guiding to Jaebum to pull himself off his cock almost to the tip before taking him in again, enjoying the slick slide of Jaebum's lips down the length of his increasingly stiff dick and the filthy wet squelching sounds the mixture of saliva and fluids make. Jaebum can't believe how hot Jinyoung is when he takes charge authoritatively. Jinyoung bites his lip lasciviously, glazed eyes still boring down into Jaebum's like lasers, and Jaebum shudders and feels his own dick unmistakably growing in his jeans again. He can't reconcile this man extracting a hotter-than-Hades blowjob from him, this _siren_ Jaebum is worshipping on his knees, panting for his dick, and his purer-than-virgin-snow dongsaeng Jinyoungie.

"Hyung," Jinyoung breathes like a prayer, and _God_ Jaebum never knew the word _hyung_ could sound more erotic to him than _oppa_ before today. It seems like an entire lifetime ago, another life entirely when he had lusted and chased after girls when he could be doing things like sucking Jinyoung's massive dick. Jaebum wants to live the rest of his life with his mouth latched to Jinyoung's dick, literally. He wants to marry Jinyoung's dick because this is the most flawless specimen of perfection he has ever had the honour to set his eyes on.

Jaebum loosens his mouth from Jinyoung's cock on the end of one of his thrusts with a dirty popping noise, and Jinyoung whines in protest but Jaebum needs to catch his breath or he might choke at an inopportune time again because his heart is pumping unhealthily fast and he's getting incredibly worked up just from the thoughts he's thinking.

 

He can't wrap his head around this -- this sex god, this sex kitten towering over him snapping his hips forward like he's been doing this all his life and fucking Jaebum's mouth to swollen numbness like it's an Olympic sport and he's gunning for gold. It's unbelievable. Maybe it's because he grew up beside him that he never noticed, but where has Jinyoung been hiding all this smouldering, oozing sex appeal behind those squeaky clean button-downs and khakis, wholesome toothy smiles and good-boy glasses?

"It's you," he hears Jinyoung's deep voice, and snaps his head up, craning his neck to see Jinyoung's lustful expression. Did he just voice his thoughts out loud? Jinyoung's look confirms it.

"I'm not usually... like this," Jinyoung says, his voice sounding vulnerable and naive again, and Jaebum's heart leaps with ridiculous hope. "But..." Jinyoung continues, voice deepening. "You make me so hot." His eyes glitter down at Jaebum in frustraton as he closes a hand over his cock and gives it a few strokes, a soft moan escaping his mouth at the delayed gratification.

His mouth is not even on Jinyoung's dick but Jaebum can hardly breathe with how sexy he finds it. He wants Jinyoung to come on his face, to squirt his come all over Jaebum's face and drench him like it's holy water. He feels like he might be born again.

"Show me how hot I make you," Jaebum hears himself saying, his voice an octave lower as well. Jinyoung's soft intake of breath confirms his sultriness and Jaebum drags his eyes down from Jinyoung's quicksand-like eyes, and focuses them on his throbbing cock, pulsing so urgently Jaebum can almost see the blood rushing beneath its skin. The head is glistening with precome and Jaebum's spit and he has never seen a delicacy more tempting.

He carefully takes Jinyoung into his mouth again and runs his tongue with slow deliberation over the vein throbbing on the underside of Jinyoung's cock. Jinyoung sucks in an agonized breath like he's being slowly asphyxiated, his fingers twisting to the point of pain in Jaebum's hair, tugging at his scalp. His thighs tremble and Jaebum holds him steady, holds him upright with strong hands anchored on his hips.

He lets Jinyoung thrust in and out of his mouth a few more times, senses Jinyoung is holding his strength back and trying to keep himself under control because he doesn't want to hurt Jaebum accidentally. Even lost in the throes of pleasure, Jinyoung is still as considerate and selfless a lover. Jaebum is overcome by poignancy and the need to please Jinyoung. He detaches his mouth again and licks a hot strip down the shaft of Jinyoung's cock, which spasms.

"Does this feel good?" His voice is as raw and fucked as he feels and Jinyoung convulses again at the bass, as if he feels it deep inside.

"It feels incredible," he murmurs, barely coherent himself. "Don't stop."

He shuts Jaebum up by shoving his cock into his mouth, effectively garbling his next rambly word. Jaebum can't believe Jinyoung has lasted this long, much longer than him he notes with envy and embarrassment, but he can sense Jinyoung is close to his tipping point too from the way tension is gathering in his pelvis and abdomen, and his cock growing heavier and hotter on Jaebum's tongue with his impending load. Jaebum loosens his throat so he can take it all, wants to lick up every last drop of Jinyoung's come like a man in the desert finding water.

As if in response to the contraction of Jaebum's throat, a groan builds low in the back of Jinyoung's own as he finally loses control for one second, making a breathtakingly deep thrust into Jaebum's throat that cuts off his air supply for a while before he is gasping, sweet oxygen flooding into his lungs again and Jinyoung's come spurting in bursts against the back of his throat and filling his mouth, tasting just as sweet.

Jinyoung's hands are slackening in his hair weakly and he's gasping too, struggling to regulate his breathing again. His quivering thighs finally buckle beneath him and Jaebum catches him under his arms as Jinyoung dissolves to the ground in a wobbly and boneless puddle. Jinyoung slumps against his chest, breathing hard and still smelling of both his come and Jaebum's, his jeans pooled around his knees and underwear bunched around his upper thighs. He's the most ravishing sight Jaebum has ever seen.

 

"That was amazing," Jinyoung murmurs in marvelment, undisguised wonder in his voice, answering the silent question in Jaebum's worried eyes. Jaebum feels his heart leap and soar, his anxieties floating away on the wind.

They continue sitting on the floor, leaning against each other, Jinyoung's head pillowed against Jaebum's shoulder and Jaebum soothingly stroking his matted hair back from his damp forehead. Jinyoung smells of sweat and spunk and all Jaebum wants is to eat him up whole. Just like the night after their first kiss, they feel utterly sapped of energy, drained and satiated in the best way possible and take a long time to regain their bearings. It's sheer luck that no one else has emerged from their rooms needing to use the bathroom so far, or maybe they went to the other one on finding it locked. But no one banged on the door and demanded why it has been closed for so long already either so he's keeping his fingers crossed.

Not that he cares either way. They all know Jaebum and Jinyoung are dating already anyway.

 

So they shamelessly and self-indulgently don't make an effort to get to their feet, staying on in the bathroom as they trace meaningless and affectionate circles with their fingers over each other's chests, giggle foolishly, shyly meet each other's gaze and then dissolve in awkward muffled peals again. Their post-blowjob bliss is frankly, disgusting.

Jaebum looks around the familiar landscape of the bathroom, the drab everyday sights of the toilet bowl and sink and shower stall, the towels hanging from the rack and all their toothbrushes lined up in their mugs on the counter. The slightly grimy and fogged up mirror. All of this is, suddenly and unimaginably, transformed into surroundings so romantic it feels like the beautiful set of a movie.

It's ridiculous, because he never thought he would find their utilitarian, dingy bathroom romantic. It's not like it's dirty or unclean -- they make it a point as seven boys cohabiting to keep their bathroom especially hygienic -- but it's a _bathroom_ , for fuck's sake. How romantic can a bathroom be?

Very, apparently. It's just like the veranda he had sat alone or with someone else any number of times in the last few years, sipping beer and shooting the breeze -- he had never seen it as a possible romantic location, but somehow after he had kissed Jinyoung there it had transformed as if by magic into a place filled with giddy memories and intrigue.

It's Jinyoung, he realises like an epiphany. It's not the place, or the time -- it's the company. Being with Jinyoung makes every moment a heart-beating one. From way before he knew, Jinyoung has made every moment of Jaebum's life worth living.

 

As with their post-kiss conversation the other night, they converse in low voices about mundane topics, just enjoying the sound of each other's sandpaper voices, the comfortable filth of their come drying on each other's skin and basking in the fresh afterglow of their recent intimacy.

"Do you know when the first time my heart fluttered for you was?" Jinyoung asks him, out of nowhere.

Jaebum's breath hitches. He shakes his head, unable to speak.

Jinyoung smiles his satisfied, close-lipped smile and curls up in Jaebum's arms, nestling more snugly against his firm chest. Jaebum wraps his arms tighter around Jinyoung's warm and slack body and becomes his human armchair.

"It was in high school. Remember I had a hard time fitting in at the start of my first year, when I just entered? I had trouble making friends and although you were in the same school, you could only help that much since you were already in second year."

Jaebum nods, arms tightening around Jinyoung instinctively at the deluge of memories.

Jinyoung's smile turns wry. "Somehow, I ended up catching the eye of a gang of delinquents and started getting bullied. I hid it from you for so long, not wanting you to worry. But finally, one day you noticed my bruises and asked about them, and you looked so concerned that I broke and told you the truth.

"You just stood there, smoking your cigarette viciously and not saying a word as I told you every single thing they had done to me. You were so frighteningly silent, but your face was blank so I wondered if you were listening. Until I got to the bad parts, and then it started... darkening. You didn't say a word till I had finished, and when I finally stopped talking you tossed your cigarette on the ground and crushed it slowly with the heel of your shoe. You calmly asked me to go home.

"I went home trembling, with a terrible premonition. The next day when you came to school, it was worse than I had expected. You had taken on the whole gang with nothing but your bare fists, one against five when they were all older than you. They had beaten you up so hideously you were bruised black and blue and sporting bandages on every part of your body but you didn't even seem to notice the pain as you strode up to me, face tight with concern and you asked, 'Did they mess with you again?'"

 

"Did they?" Jaebum hears himself echoing, with no other alternative because he's blushing so hotly at the recollections, the secondhand embarrassment for his seventeen-year-old self who had actually thought smoking and underage drinking was cool. Also because he never really got an answer back that day in high school, because Jinyoung had taken one look at him and promptly burst into tears, his hands fluttering helplessly around Jaebum's wounds and face twisted as if he himself was in pain. It's a past he prefers to forget generally when now, he realises the only remotely cool thing he probably did in high school was standing up for Jinyoung, no matter how tragically he had been defeated in the fight. Well, that was all just semantics anyway. Jinyoung didn't need to know how he had had his ass handed back to him, so long as the bullies never bothered him anymore for the rest of his high school career.

Jinyoung shakes his head, eyes bright with adoration in that expression Jaebum has grown so familiar with through the years he gradually stopped noticing it -- or more like stopped noticing the importance of Jinyoung's adulation to him; how he thrives on it. Because now he realises the truth -- if he's a sunflower, then Jinyoung is the sun, nurturing him with the sunlight of his gaze in which Jaebum basks and grows and flourishes.

 

"Whoever is wanking in the bathroom, you have five minutes to get out anonymously before I come out of my room again!" They both jump in each other's arms, nearly cracking their heads together, at Jackson's crass and threatening shout, then clap their hands over their mouths with wide eyes as their gazes meet and they start cracking up as silently as they can.

"You know, I've been wondering... what is it with Jackson and wanking?" Jaebum whispers hushedly in Jinyoung's ear.

Jinyoung shakes with laughter and shrugs, shoulders jutting like broken wings into Jaebum's chest. "I think he's still traumatized from doing it so often back when he was pining after Mark."

Jaebum nods solemnly. "Makes sense." He pinches Jinyoung's nose cheekily. "My little genius." Jinyoung squirms with obvious pleasure and bites his finger.

 

Flushed with dizzy laughter and fading bliss, Jinyoung is ruinously beautiful. Jaebum doesn't want to let go of him and he does so with great reluctance and a lot of pouting as Jinyoung struggles to detach himself from his clingy arms and stand up.

"Come on, hyung. I'm not going off to war. We can do this again another day," he jokes with a playful glint in his eye.

"Really?" Jaebum gasps, breathless with excitement. Jinyoung only winks like a seasoned tease.

Jaebum groans and buries his face in his hands in mock pain.

Jinyoung laughs. "In conclusion," he drawls, getting the last word as always, "You should keep your clothes on in future, for the sake of both our sanities."

Jaebum watches, dumbfounded and open-mouthed, as he opens the door and flounces off.

 

One Friday evening, the frat house is in a buzz of lively excitement as the six other boys prepare to go to their favourite club for a "Dads' Night Out", which as Jaebum grouchily points out doesn't even make sense because none of them are dads except him and he isn't even invited, being the one naturally bearing the duty to stay home and look after Dabin.

"Fine, Uncles Night Out then. Call it what you want, as long as we have fun." Jackson flaps a careless hand. They are apparently going to celebrate Dabin's rapid growth and new maturity, like parents absolved from their duties and relieved from the strain of their child's first crucial year.

Jinyoung descends the stairs casually looking jaw-droppingly hot in smoky eyeliner with his hair styled up. He's only wearing a simple all-black outfit of fitting long-sleeved shirt that clings to the contours of his torso, tucked into skinny-but-not-too-tight jeans cinched around his trim waist with a broad silver belt and paired with shiny polished loafers. He's wearing no other accessories except a heavy silver chain dangling from his neck. He looks like a mafia boss's son in an anime. Jaebum feels the urge to cover him up rush back into his chest, more powerful than ever.

Jinyoung is too good-looking for his own good, he rages silently and helplessly again. He emanates and radiates pheromones effortlessly, like the glow women give off in pregnancy. How could Jaebum feel secure staying home when Jinyoung is out on the town looking this mouthwatering?

Still, he's determined not to say anything to dampen their mood. He had promised himself not to be that kind of irksome and unlikeable domineering and dictating boyfriend, and Jinyoung is free to go where he wants and do whatever he wants. Jaebum has no say in his life.

 

But he doesn't expect that even before they leave, what causes him to lose his cool isn't anyone else but Yugyeom, who to Jaebum's eyes is acting especially clingy towards Jinyoung today. Yugyeom isn't drunk yet, so he must have also noticed how especially attractive Jinyoung looks today and been somehow drawn in by the pheromones Jinyoung is emitting like a magnetic field.

Jaebum knows it's irrational -- Yugyeom is practically engaged to Youngjae, and Jinyoung is almost equally close to all the members of the frat, getting along well with everyone like a house on fire. There's just this quality about Jinyoung that puts people at ease and makes them feel comfortable around him. But even before they started dating, Jaebum had already felt jealous of Yugyeom occasionally as a best friend, because he seems to have a special relationship with Jinyoung.

Jaebum has never understood their dynamic of shy smiles and oneupmanship, teasing and poking fun and roughhousing mingled with sweet affection. Jinyoung has a soft spot for their youngest, is prone to getting absorbed into their own world when Yugyeom is hanging off his shoulder, trying to get his attention and whining _Jinyoung hyung_ in his cutesy voice that doesn't befit the giant maknae, and on more than one occasion Jaebum has found himself unpleasantly ignored and shut out of their bubble.

It's not just Yugyeom -- Jaebum doesn't like Jinyoung laughing with, smiling at, or even looking at anyone else besides him. He would never say it out because he knows how illogical and overpossessive it sounds but he's afraid others will get seduced by Jinyoung's smile and attention and his sparkling deer-like eyes the way Jaebum was. It's not that Jaebum doesn't trust Jinyoung because he does, absolutely, but he doesn't trust other people not to fall for Jinyoung knowing firsthand how easy it is to.

It's easy to get jealous of the other members of the fraternity because firstly, they're all very attractive and charismatic guys; and not only is Jinyoung a great umma, he's also a great dongsaeng and an even greater hyung. The three maknaes never play favourites but Jaebum can tell that they adore their Jinyoung hyung most out of all the hyungs, and he can't blame them when Jinyoung is the most devoted to them and treats them least like pesky little brothers.

(Not that Jaebum wants to be Jinyoung's dongsaeng, no matter how much he envies the way Jinyoung dotes on and pampers them. He is often privately relieved for the authority and claim to respectful formalities his few months older than Jinyoung gives him, even though if they weren't in Korea they would be considered the same age. He likes being Jinyoung's hyung, cannot imagine them being same-age _chingu_ s.)

 

So Jaebum really isn't the jealous type but with his nerves already frayed and on edge from trying not to show his annoyance at Yugyeom's affectionate clinginess, he finds himself a rubber band at snapping point when he thinks of the usual queue of girls hitting on Jinyoung at the club, especially when he looks so dandy. They would ask him the most cliche question -- _Do you have a girlfriend?_ \-- and knowing Jinyoung's unfailing need to always be honest, even to random strangers, he would probably answer no and who knows what would happen if the other party is the pushy type and Jaebum isn't there to help intervene.

"Jinyoung," he snaps, and all heads turn to look at him in amusement. He quickly blushes and fixes his tone, but is unable to disguise his authority as a boyfriend. "Be back before midnight."

He doesn't use his daughter as an excuse anymore, shouldn't have any need to now that they are an official item, but Jinyoung still looks tickled by his sternness.

To his credit, he senses that Jaebum means business and doesn't get unnecessarily sassy, instead just answering with barely concealed snark, "Okay, _dad_."

Jaebum can't contain the audible intake of breath rattling through his lungs, the word like a glancing blow to his body.

Jinyoung is laughing at his theatrical reaction, looking like he half-thinks Jaebum is faking it.

"Say that again," Jaebum breathes, voice low, and the laughter fades out of Jinyoung's eyes. Jaebum gulps; he did his best to make his command sound like _Say that again if you dare_ but unfortunately it came out more like _Say that again because it makes my dick hard_.

All the other five are gawking at them, eyes like goldfish, but neither of them seem to notice or care about anything but the tension crackling between them in the air.

"Dad?" Jinyoung tries, uncertainly. He clears his throat, looking up into Jaebum's eyes. A glimmer of mischief enters his own, so slight only Jaebum sees. Jinyoung pitches his voice bedroom low.

"Daddy."

Jaebum curses.

 

Before he can think it through his brain, he crosses the room in a few large strides, catching Jinyoung just before he leaves the house.

In front of all their gaping friends, he kisses Jinyoung deeply for the first time. With tongue, open-mouthed and all.

"What was that?" Jinyoung gasps for air as he manages to break away, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and Jaebum notes with satisfaction that he has finally managed to unsettle him.

"That's for looking so god damn kissable," he replies in a (hopefully) suave tone, before turning on his heel and striding away masculinely leaving Jinyoung gawping at the cool retreating image of his back view.

The moment he reaches the landing on the stairs and turns the corner out of their sight, he sprints to the bathroom and locks himself inside to stroke himself fervently to the sound of Jinyoung's breathy voice echoing in his ears _Dad... Daddy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just had to mention jinyoung's outfit in the can't performances because its one of my fave jams and he looks so GOOD doing the choreo it wrecks me ;u; sorry for the minor jingyeom haha i just had to insert them randomly because i find this pairing really cute too and maybe its just my delu goggles but when i watch jingyeom mvs i occasionally saw jb standing at the side looking like a left out third wheel lmfao.
> 
> also i wanted to talk about my comments and i was going to do it in the notes on the last chap but decided to just leave it here! i know its awful and inexcusable for me not to reply comments but i just hope all my commenters know that i read and cherish every single word of every single comment i have ever received on ALL my fics, but its just that im kind of a perfectionist (i know its not a good quality) and i know its weird but if i can't reply comments in depth and at a length i'm satisfied with, i'd rather not reply at all. although i know readers would probably rather receive just a "thank you" or "thanks for reading" to let them know i read their comment, if i don't have the time to reply every part of the comment the way i like to i usually end up not replying at all lol. especially with this fic, when i'm working on chaptered fics i usually get really absorbed and keep getting new inspirations and ideas for the period of time so since i only have a certain amount of time to spend on fandom after my rl and work commitments, i've been spending most of it working on the chapters (which explains why i post updates so frequently and im sorry for that too so thank you so much to all the readers who have been so supportive and enthusiastic about reading them as promptly as i write them! ;v;) i know it's no excuse for me not to reply every comment commenters take the time and effort to type me individually but i just wanted to let everyone who has commented on this (and my others) fic know that i am deeply grateful for every single comment i've received so far, i took every word to heart and each lit up my day in a different way :) but if you have any questions or things to tell me you want answered, feel free to drop me a message at my ask.fm (kittenfurs) i answer everything i receive there! if you're curious about anything regarding me or my fics, i don't mind answering pretty much anything so just hmu haha. also i don't think i ever mentioned this but i just wanted to state somewhere my readers could see that i welcome and adore concrit on all my fics, not just this one, but i hardly ever get it so if you want to help me improve feel free to leave me comments on any of my fics or in my ask :) it would be greatly appreciated!
> 
> i've actually talked about this commenting thing on my other fic patisserie before so readers who read that would probably have heard it before... on the subject of patisserie, i know a few readers are wondering or have asked me if it's completed and i didn't know where to answer all of them but i think most readers of that fic would probably be reading this too so i thought i would just leave a short clarification here! i marked it as completed with 13 chapters some time ago because it'd been a while since i had stopped writing the fic and i didn't really feel in the groove anymore. also, chap 13 was originally supposed to be the end anyway; i know i mentioned a surprise in the next chapter but it was just planned to be a epilogue with 2 final chapters switching to jackson and mark's pov. i might write this epilogue in the future if i feel up to it, but otherwise i think its just a superfluous bonus and the fic is pretty complete as it is! i hope this clears things up a little for whomever is still concerned about that fic haha :) wow sorry for this long ramble and thank you if you read all of it!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for more daddy kink lol tbh its kinda funny i never planned on including it in this fic at the start despite the title it just happened and since readers seemed to like it i decided to write more...

"I'm home, daddy!"

Jaebum nearly jumps out of his skin when the cheerful if slightly intoxicated call rings out in the hushed quiet after he had put a thankfully unfussy Dabin to bed and spent the next hour taking two cold showers in succession, his disobedient cock springing up enthusiastically like a jack-in-the-box every time he thought of Jinyoung's parting words again. Although he had been sitting on the couch watching TV to try and take his mind off them and calm down, fidgeting restlessly as his eyes darted to the clock and watched the hands approach midnight, he hadn't expected such a greeting.

Hair on his arms standing up, he flicks off the TV to listen to the noises of Jinyoung fumbling clumsily with his keys and trying to fit them into the door. He takes a few attempts before it works and Jaebum realises he must be drunker than he sounds.

He rises to his feet, heart tripping when Jinyoung weaves into the living room, front door swinging closed behind him. He's still dressed in the same outfit and looks remarkably sober, except that the chain around his neck has disappeared to be replaced by a choker which Jaebum vaguely remembers Bambam was wearing when they left earlier.

"Hi, hyung." Jinyoung's grin is sloppy and infectious, eyes flirtatious in a way they never are when he's stone-cold. "Miss me?"

Jaebum frowns to keep himself from blushing. "Why are you wearing Bambam's choker?" he demands rudely.

"Oh." Jinyoung fingers the thick black studded band snug around his neck, seeming to have forgotten it was there. "He was dancing and making out with some girl and I guess they wanted to neck so he asked me to switch my necklace with him."

"You've been wearing it all night?" Jaebum swiftly follows. If possible, Jinyoung looks even more drop-dead gorgeous with the choker than with the chainlink necklace, like a sex slave or contract stripper -- Jaebum flushes at his quickly derailing train of thought. It's infuriating how Jinyoung manages to look so risque and racy even when he's all covered-up from head to toe and not even wearing anything particularly revealing.

A slow smirk spreads across Jinyoung's lips as he looks up at Jaebum through his lashes in knowing amusement. "What is this, daddy? Twenty questions?" Jaebum physically shudders at the brazen term of address Jinyoung lets roll off his tongue in a sensual drawl and hastily tries to hide it but has a feeling he failed from the way Jinyoung's sadistic smile widens.

"Stop that." Jaebum's voice comes out in a meek whimper. He doesn't even know how to begin addressing how inappropriate it is that Jinyoung has been calling him this multiple times all night. This is wrong in so many ways, probably more than he can even figure out. Especially since he literally is one. "You're not my daughter."

He only realises how lame he sounds after the words leave his mouth and his blush deepens as Jinyoung laughs out loud, then claps his hand over his mouth looking slightly chastened when it rings out obnoxiously and echoes in the empty house. But his eyes continue dancing over his hand in unconcealed mirth. "No shit. You only just realised?"

"Just... stop." Jaebum's voice is low, a tremor on his last word which Jinyoung also notices.

"You look like you don't want me to."

"You're drunk." Jaebum curtly turns to leave (for the bathroom again, but Jinyoung doesn't need to know why).

"Oh, come on. Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, _hyung_."

Jaebum is feeling seriously fucked up. He has spent the whole night trying to come to terms with the fact and justify to himself how he got a raging erection from being called _Daddy_ \-- and still hasn't accepted this new fetish he just discovered. And now here Jinyoung is, riling him up and confusing his poor tormented mind further.

 

Jaebum doesn't realise what he's doing, his body acting independently of his mind, until he has reached out and grabbed Jinyoung by the choker, hauling him forward bodily. Jinyoung inhales sharply at their proximity. A breath away, Jaebum can see his pupils dilated dreamily with inebriation and briefly feels a flicker of concern. Is there a reason Jinyoung got drunker than he usually does tonight or did he just have one too many shots by accident? Is he bothered by any troubles he hasn't confided in Jaebum?

Fine, Jaebum thinks, his semi-erection chafing more restlessly against the confines of his briefs when Jinyoung's hot cherry schnapps-scented breath ghosts across his lips, if Jinyoung wants to play this game, Jaebum will humour him.

"You've been a good boy, baby." His voice sounds uncharacteristically low, making Jinyoung's blown eyes widen, then dilate further in titillation.

Jinyoung licks his lips, looking uncertain for the first time. "What?"

"You came home early like Daddy told you to."

A small smile is spreading over Jinyoung's lips slowly like cream, and his eyes are getting clearer and darker. Jaebum's heart skips a beat at the glint of challenge and arousal sharp through the glaze of alcohol.

"Are you going to reward me... Daddy?" Jinyoung peeks through his eyelashes hesitantly to see if Jaebum is going to flare up again, but Jaebum holds his gaze evenly and shows no signs of his wavering composure.

"Of course, baby boy. What does Daddy's little kitty want?"

Jaebum's grip tightens over Jinyoung's choker at the pink spreading over Jinyoung's pale cheeks, staining them deliciously. Jinyoung doesn't seem to want him to let go despite the uncomfortable position.

"I want... Daddy's cock."

"What did you say? Speak louder, baby."

"I want Daddy's cock."

"Is that how you ask nicely?" Jaebum spanks Jinyoung's ass with his other hand and Jinyoung jumps slightly.

"I want Daddy's cock _please_." His voice is practically a moan.

 

At this point, Jaebum's resolve snaps like a rubber band. Bambam is going to yell the house down when he comes home to find his choker stretched so roughly it's almost ruined but Jaebum doesn't care. He'll buy him another, another ten as long as he doesn't have to let go of Jinyoung while he tugs him up the stairs and into his room.

He throws Jinyoung onto his bed where he lands with a soft flump in the middle of Jaebum's covers, looking dazedly up at him with his hair mussed up and sexily disheveled. He halfheartedly tries to get up but Jaebum locks the door and advances aggressively, shoving him back down again. Jinyoung smiles up at him; doesn't try another time.

Jaebum doesn't have the slightest idea what he plans to do next, is improvising from second to second, heartbeat to heartbeat. He's half amazed and disbelieving they have taken what started out as a joke this far, and finds himself leaning over Jinyoung in the closest place Jaebum has come to fucking him properly since they sucked each other off.

He is completely not ready for this.

In the end, Jaebum wigs out. He had played along with Jinyoung's drunken and teasing antics, thinking that he would stop the game when he thought Jaebum was serious and lose his nerve. But Jinyoung seems perfectly willing to go all the way tonight, in another unplanned and brash escapade, if only Jaebum drops his pants.

It's too easy. It's terrifying.

No matter how turned on Jaebum is right now, how much he wants to devour Jinyoung until he is regretting and begging for mercy, how much he wants to just screw everything and follow his dick -- he simply can't take advantage of Jinyoung when he's drunk, even if he's sober enough to give consent and a more than willing partner. And he really doesn't know if he wants to do this while they are roleplaying Daddy and Baby in some disturbingly kinky fetish Jaebum didn't even know he had before tonight. This is definitely not how he envisioned their romantic and meaningful first time.

 

So he regretfully and reluctantly puts his foot down, forces himself to back off, feeling the responsibility as the elder and sober one. He carefully moves back from between Jinyoung's spread legs where he has somehow found himself standing, his thighs sandwiched between Jinyoung's pressed-together knees.

"Daddy," he hears Jinyoung whining pitifully, but doesn't allow his resolve to waver as he backs out of his room and plods on dazed autopilot to the kitchen where he nearly burns himself pouring water from the kettle to make a mug of tea with one of Jackson's organic green teabags.

When he returns to the room he is relieved to see Jinyoung still lying in the same position, sweating a little more with one arm flung restlessly over his eyes. Jaebum feels a pang of sympathy for his boyfriend; he must be feeling the worst effects of the fading alcohol buzz now.

He gently helps Jinyoung into a sitting position, letting his limp body lean against Jaebum's torso with his head resting heavily on Jaebum's shoulder. Thankfully he has stopped his weak attempts at seducing Jaebum and obediently parts his chapped lips for Jaebum to nudge the rim of the cup between them.

"Careful," Jaebum whispers, chest aching as he tenderly brushes Jinyoung's matted bangs back from his damp forehead. "It's hot. Why did you get so drunk, baby?" This time, the address isn't kinky but full of tenderness. Jinyoung doesn't seem to notice, mumbling something as he pushes his face deeper into Jaebum's chest.

 

Jaebum thinks he has fallen asleep at first, but Jinyoung continues slurping audibly at the cup, draining it slowly. When he has finished all the tea he groans and blinks his eyes open groggily, still looking disoriented and bloodshot but less cloudy with sobriety.

"Hyung," he murmurs, then covers his face with both hands. "Ugh, I'm sorry."

"Are you feeling better?" Jaebum asks solicitously, reluctantly letting go of Jinyoung's shoulders. He lays Jinyoung back gently on his pillows before quickly leaving his room again to fetch a washcloth from the toilet which he dampens with hot water from the tap.

Jinyoung is still leaning against the pillows but sitting up straighter when he reenters. He is clear-eyed now and looks embarrassed and ashamed, breathtakingly vulnerable in the ocean of Jaebum's sheets.

Jaebum sits down beside him on the edge of his bed and carefully wipes Jinyoung's perspiration away from his forehead and face with the towel. Jinyoung sighs softly at the feeling of the warm towel and finally relaxes, reclining against Jaebum's body again in tired bliss.

Jinyoung snuffles against his chest, nestling unresisting and pliant against him. Jaebum rubs a soothing hand up and down the length of Jinyoung's arm and enjoys the way Jinyoung melts completely molten and trusting into him.

"What was that?" he can't resist teasing Jinyoung after a while, when he seems to feel better. Just to see the bashful blush that looks so flattering dyeing Jinyoung's porcelain skin.

He doesn't expect a wicked smile to play at Jinyoung's lips, the sobering not seeming to have taken away all his sass yet. "I should be asking you that. You got way more into it than me."

"Liar!" Jaebum protests, outraged, now the one blushing furiously. He didn't know Jinyoung had noticed, and Jaebum doesn't even have the excuse of being wasted. He is never going to live this down.

Jinyoung just directs his unnervingly shrewd smirk at Jaebum, and he mutters an oath under his breath.

 

To divert the subject, he clears his throat and gently enquires again, "Why did you get so drunk?" He's actually still concerned and bothered about whether Jinyoung is facing some problems he doesn't know about.

"I needed liquid courage," Jaebum thinks he hears Jinyoung mumble.

"What?" he asks, startled.

Jinyoung hugs one of Jaebum's pillows to his chest, and Jaebum tries not to be distracted by how much he wants to be a pillow suddenly.

Jinyoung bites his lip shyly, avoiding Jaebum's eyes. "I... meant what I said."

"What?" Jaebum echoes again stupidly. His heart drops.

Jinyoung looks up, straight into his eyes. "I want..." His eyes drop down to Jaebum's crotch pointedly, his meaning impossible to misinterpret.

Jaebum grabs his shoulders, hauling Jinyoung's dazed gaze back up. "Are you still drunk?"

"No." Jinyoung rolls his eyes in a rare moment of rudeness, seeming impatient for once with Jaebum's denseness and timidity. "I'm your boyfriend, hyung. I'm your lover now, not your dongsaeng anymore. You can do whatever you want with me." Jinyoung's voice is unnervingly lucid and the way he emphasizes _whatever you want_ goes straight to Jaebum's dick, the possibilities shimmering silently from Jinyoung's inviting eyes.

"When are you going to fuck me?" Jinyoung finally blurts straight out when Jaebum doesn't seem to get it, the words seeming to trip off his tongue uncontrollably. He looks equally taken aback by his boldness and his cheeks grow hot but he doesn't take back his words, awaiting Jaebum's answer with defiant and eager eyes.

"Jinyoung-ah!" Jaebum is shocked, his face burning and his eyes unable to meet Jinyoung's hotly flashing ones.

"What, hyung?" Jinyoung's belligerent and unapologetic tone is strangely arousing. "It's been ages since that blowjob and you've left me high and dry."

"It's only been five days," Jaebum whimpers weakly.

"Five days too long!" Jinyoung exclaims, fingers tightening on his arm. "Look, we finally have an empty house tonight and the others said they won't be back till morning. They're going straight to have soup for breakfast to cure their hangovers. Do you want to waste this rare chance?"

Jaebum gapes at Jinyoung. "Did you _plan_ this?" His voice is embarrassingly shrill.

Jinyoung glowers at him. "You were the one who ordered me to come back by twelve, hyung."

He has a point. But Jaebum never thought of this. He never expected to lose his homosexual virginity tonight.

"I-I'm not ready! And you're drunk!" He's grasping at straws.

"I'm perfectly conscious now, hyung. Don't use me as an excuse if you don't want to." Jinyoung affects a mildly disgusted look but Jaebum can see the hurt behind it.

"Of course I want to!" he quickly reassures Jinyoung frantically, his chest panging at Jinyoung even entertaining the ludicrous possibility that Jaebum hasn't been thinking, _dreaming_ of fucking him day and night since they started dating.

"Then let's do it." Jinyoung looks at him, eyes clear and unwavering. He makes it look so simple and Jaebum wishes he could feel the same, just go right ahead and jump into it. But he hasn't even finished all the online research and sleuthing he has been doing lately about gay sex, educating himself with surprisingly arousing videos on the links of the same websites he had previously passed over for more mainstream, heterosexual ones.

He doesn't know if he knows how to do this properly yet. And he doesn't want to hurt Jinyoung, won't be able to forgive himself if he does.

"I... don't know how..." he croaks.

Jinyoung makes an impatient tsk-ing sound. He snuggles closer, making Jaebum's heart thunder embarrassingly. "I'll guide you along, hyung. Don't worry about anything. You don't have to plan and schedule everything to the T, you know." He looks amused by Jaebum's need to micro-manage all his activities, his avoidance of any unplanned detours from his routine.

"Wasn't it amazing the last time?" Jinyoung looks up at him from the circle of his arms, licking his lips meaningfully, and Jaebum's dick twitches with fond recollections on cue.

"It was," he admits reluctantly. Jinyoung just looks at him mutely and expectantly, eyes holding a warm and reassuring smile.

 

It's the glimmer of hope bright in his eyes that makes it impossible for Jaebum to disappoint him. And he's not as unmoved as he's acting himself. How could anyone say no when someone like Jinyoung is lying in their arms, telling Jaebum he is willing and ready, his eyes whispering thrillingly dirty promises? Jinyoung looks like every man -- every human being's -- wet dreams come true. Jaebum is only a man after all. He isn't a rock or an insensate wall.

"Okay," he hears his voice as if from outside his own body, shaking slightly. Jinyoung's eyes widen in disbelieving delight. "But..." Jaebum hesitates, blood flooding his cheeks. He takes a deep breath, mustering the courage to continue. "Only if you fuck me."

"What?" Jinyoung blinks, looking like he thinks he heard wrongly.

Jaebum's voice deepens. "You heard right."

Jinyoung's eyes are wide on his, serious and searching. "You... want me to put it in you? You don't want to fuck me?" he confirms.

Jaebum clears his throat, forces the words past it. "Not today." He shakes his head. "Not yet."

Jinyoung is regarding him with wonder, looking dumbfounded as if he never expected to be facing such a revelation from Jaebum and has no idea how to navigate this conversation. Jaebum knows how he feels. He himself never expected to say such a thing to Jinyoung, but the moment the words leave his lips he realises he means them.

There's no question about whether he wants to fuck Jinyoung. He has wanted to with a burning passion ever since the day, the moment he discovered his latent desire for his best friend. There's no day that goes by that he doesn't think of it at least once, no night that passes without a wet dream or fantasy of Jinyoung writhing under him, his little nymphet.

But Jaebum isn't confident of doing that without hurting Jinyoung yet. And now that he has the opportunity to, he realises that letting Jinyoung take the role first, and gaining experience about exactly how much it hurts firsthand and how to control the amount of pain he will be inflicting on Jinyoung when the time comes, and how to best give him pleasure, will be immeasurably useful. After all, he has read online that the best "tops" are the ones who have "bottomed" before.

Jaebum can't help it -- but he's always been a perfectionist, and always wants to do everything in his own way, on his own terms, at his own pace. He knows, though, that Jinyoung understands the demands he makes of himself, his need to satisfy and deliver.

And when he does, Jaebum wants to fuck Jinyoung in the least painful and most pleasurable way he possibly can within his abilities.

 

In contrast to the sexuality he exudes, Jinyoung seems so uncorrupted, unspoilt and inexperienced at times. The contrast between this sensual sophistication and endearingly childlike clumsiness is a paradox which bludgeons Jaebum over the head and drives him crazy. It makes him want to fuck Jinyoung savagely into his mattress until he's screaming Jaebum's name, break him in like a racehorse -- and at the same time, to protect Jinyoung from these very urges; to protect Jinyoung from _himself_.

Jinyoung's voice breaks into his frantically racing thoughts as he finally regains his bearings enough to formulate a coherent reply. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before beginning, seeming to struggle to find the right words.

"Jaebum hyung... I don't know what to say. I never expected you to not want to... be the top between us. I guess I just assumed based on your personality that you would want to dominate me. And that was perfect because I..." -- he blushes -- "I want to be dominated. Don't you understand? Just like you asserting your dominance over me is the way you love me, submission is my way of showing mine. I want to give all of myself to you without holding back. It's all I've ever wanted."

Jinyoung's earnest speech moves the depths of Jaebum's heart. He is momentarily speechless.

"I want to submit to you, hyung," Jinyoung murmurs, demurely casting his lashes down. "I _need_ it. So please... let me."

Who could resist Jinyoung telling them he needs them? It's humanly impossible, and Jaebum digs deep into his reserves of strength to hold on to his rapidly unraveling thread of sanity.

 

"I need you to submit to me too." Jaebum's voice comes out scraped raw, and he clears his throat in embarrassment. "But I need more time to get ready. I need to gain experience so I can take care of you; so I won't make a mistake and hurt you. In the meantime, Jinyoung-ah... can't you be the one to dominate me, just once? Don't you want to?"

Jinyoung's face changes slowly at the question vulnerably exposed in his eyes, the invitation. Jaebum wonders if he's imagining it or the air between them suddenly feels a few degrees hotter as Jinyoung runs his eyes down Jaebum's body assessingly, as if considering this for the first time, and not without interest. Jaebum bites back a shudder at the way Jinyoung's eyes rake down his clothed body like razors, as if mentally undressing him.

"I'm stronger than you," Jaebum continues, starting to babble as Jinyoung's silent penetrating gaze flusters him increasingly. "I'm older than you. So I think I should be the one to take on this more... strenous role first."

Jinyoung doesn't oppose him on his first point, and Jaebum feels a chill shiver down his spine. But he scoffs softly at the second, though the new glitter in his eyes remains.

"This has nothing to do with age, hyung."

"It does because I'm your hyung," Jaebum reminds him unnecessarily. "Listen to me." His voice is commanding and arrogant the way it always is when he has no doubt his every wish is Jinyoung's command.

Jinyoung shakes his head incredulously, his eyes full of exasperation at Jaebum's stubborn hardheadedness. But Jaebum is triumphant to see him silently relenting, knows with unshakable certainty that he will get his way as usual -- simply because Jinyoung can never say no to him.

 

Jinyoung regards him, deep in thought, for what seems like a lifetime. Eventually, he growls in exasperation, voice a deeper bass that Jaebum feels in his gut: "Do you really want my cock so much?"

Jaebum inhales sharply, Jinyoung's crude words and explicit question like forbidden fruit to his tongue, sweet and dangerous.

"Yes," he gasps, barely able to speak the words without losing his breath. "I want your cock."

They're the very words Jinyoung said to him earlier this evening, and it's only as Jaebum allows them out of the recesses of the darkest dungeons of his desires and past the fortress of his lips that he realises how true they are. That side by side with all the dreams he remembered in the morning of pinning Jinyoung underneath him, Jaebum recalls like a recessed memory ones more lurid and unspeakable, those that were of him writhing beneath Jinyoung and being fucked in two by Jinyoung's ass-ripping dick.

Maybe, just maybe, Jinyoung's insistence on Jinyoung being the one on top isn't for entirely unselfish reasons after all.

 

Jinyoung's eyes glow at the conviction and surety of Jaebum's words. Jaebum can't tell what he's thinking as his eyes bore piercingly into Jaebum's face, but as the seconds tick on and there's no answer Jaebum's confidence and solid resolve slowly starts wilting and wavering a little.

He lowers his head, feeling heat spread across his cheekbones and make his newfound desire shrivel.

"Am I really that... unfuckable?"

The words are softer than a whisper, but Jinyoung hears them. In a flash, Jaebum finds himself hauled forward breathlessly by the collar of his shirt, Jinyoung's eyes burning into his.

"You have no idea, hyung... how fuckable you are." Jinyoung doesn't let go, and Jaebum isn't sure who surges forward to close the distance between them first but the last word is barely out of Jinyoung's mouth before they are dirty-kissing; before Jinyoung is kissing Jaebum so filthily that his entire body is blushing. Jaebum never knew Jinyoung could kiss like this, licking into his mouth and sucking his tongue into his own and overpowering him with his lips, kissing him so animalistically that saliva drips sordidly from the corners of their open mouths down their chins and trails between their lips when they break apart.

Jaebum blinks at him disorientedly, struggling to catch his breath. "Did you just say... how fuckable I am?"

Jinyoung flushes blotchily, as if having no idea what just came over him. But his eyes are still blazing, his breath coming in ragged pants too, lips unmentionably swollen. He clears his throat. "I said... how cute you are."

"No, you said fuckable," Jaebum hums smugly, climbing into his lap way too happily. Jinyoung lets out a disgruntled grunt, but a territorial hand comes to rest casually on Jaebum's right ass cheek.

"Admit it, you secretly want to fuck me."

"... It's not a secret, hyung."

"What did you s-- mmph!"

 

Jaebum can't imagine himself submitting to any other man -- not now, not ever -- but as Jinyoung undresses him with utmost gentleness and quiet reverence, article of clothing by article, it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Jaebum is perfectly comfortable entering into this, at remarkable ease, compared to the anxiety and unpreparedness he had felt when confronted with Jinyoung's proposal to fuck him. He realises why even though he would never capitulate or surrender to any other man, he is so excited and eager to do so to Jinyoung, body and soul. It's because Jinyoung has earned his submission, the way he has earned Jaebum's trust that Jinyoung will never hurt him.

He wants to give Jinyoung pleasure in any form and any way he can, for Jinyoung to assert his complete dominion over Jaebum's body the same way Jinyoung wants him to do to him.

It's inconceivable, but no one has ever treated Jaebum as gently as Jinyoung is handling him, held him with such care as if he's the most fragile of glass. Everyone sees Jaebum as a tough guy who can handle anything -- and he is, but Jinyoung is different. Jinyoung understands that although Jaebum is strong, he also needs to be protected and taken care of sometimes. He also has his weak side and the desire to succumb. No one but Jinyoung knows -- has ever cared enough to find out -- that Jaebum also enjoys being and needs to be treated gently sometimes.

 

Jinyoung unwraps Jaebum as slowly and carefully as a present at Christmas, but strips off his own shirt with much more carelessness and that sleek animal grace that makes Jaebum's throat dry up.

His eyes widen as Jinyoung lifts his shirt over his shoulders, revealing the rarely-seen sight of his bare torso. Jinyoung likes to complain jokingly that he doesn't have abs like Jaebum, Mark and Jackson and says it's his complex, but in Jaebum's opinion he has the most beautiful body among them.

Jinyoung's body is lush and well-built, almost sinfully decadent; all rippling musculature and sinous contours. He has perfect posture; a very nice, toned and defined back -- and as Jaebum discovers as Jinyoung shyly kicks off his skinny jeans, a very shapely ass. He can't believe he hadn't lavished more attention on Jinyoung's ass before this, and feels ashamed he had neglected it on the day of the blowjob being too preoccupied by the front of Jinyoung's pelvis to notice what lay behind.

Perched in front of him on his bed with his legs folded docilely beneath him, clothed in nothing but his underwear and Bambam's choker, Jinyoung bears far more resemblance to a Siberian husky wagging his tail than Jaebum's heart can stand. He looks nothing like someone who is about to fuck Jaebum senseless -- but Jaebum knows Jinyoung well enough to know that if he does fuck Jaebum, he will do it properly and fuck his brains out -- and oddly, this is even more of a turn-on. Not many people know, but Jinyoung's competitive streak isn't second to Jaebum's.

 

Jaebum feasts his eyes on the previously underappreciated hidden glory of Jinyoung's body. He has a body that deserves to be worshiped and immortalized in poetry and art; made to be pleasured and give pleasure; to fuck and be fucked.

But Jaebum's heart falters at the faint outline of Jinyoung's ribcage showing through the delicate, rice-paper skin stretched across the plane of his abdomen and tummy still slightly soft with the baby fat that he has long lost from his adorably chubby face as a teenager. It's little things like this that strike him to the core, that remind him of how fragile Jinyoung really is despite how he has the body of a temptress, the eyes of the snake in the Garden of Eden.

It reminds Jaebum of why he was so determined that Jinyoung take the role of the top first, that he let Jaebum blaze the trail and pave the way ahead for him as he's always done. No one will understand this need, this compulsion Jaebum has always had to protect Jinyoung, to put his needs first and him before himself, but it doesn't matter because Jinyoung knows what Jaebum does for him and the sacrifices he has made as a hyung.

 

Jaebum lets the blanket he had been clutching to his armpits in front of his body, acting comically like a prudish maiden losing her virginity, fall away, and Jinyoung squeaks. Jaebum feels his chest puff up at the way Jinyoung's eyes widen in quiet appreciation, eyeing the chocolate definition of his abs thirstily. Those hours at the gym and the daily jogs around the neighbourhood lately had definitely paid off.

Despite his earlier aggression, Jinyoung now seems a little tamer and touchingly shy and unsure of how to proceed. Jaebum himself is pretty clueless about how to conduct foreplay but he sympathetically decides to spare Jinyoung from the pressure and take the lead.

"Tell me about your fantasies," he says when they are both facing each other on the bed in only their underwear with their legs splayed awkwardly to cover their slightly bulging but not completely hard yet crotches.

Jinyoung's head snaps up, eyes questioning.

"The dreams you used to have about me." Jaebum clarifies, seeing more than hearing the depth of his voice in Jinyoung's gleaming eyes. "What was I doing in them? Show me how you touched yourself while thinking of me... Jirongie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to our precious prince :))) i think writing this fic made me a jinyoung stan lol fml
> 
> im sorry for the top!jinyoung i know most readers prefer reading top!jb and i planned to write this fic as mainly top!jb from the start with them switching roles once, and don't worry that's still the plan but i just decided to change the order to writing the role reversal first and there's a reason (spoiler: jb is going to refuse to fuck jinyoung for the longest time until eventually jinyoung tricks him into doing it lol i just love the idea of jaebum being overprotective and holding himself back bc hes afraid to hurt jinyoung ;;) so there will be a top!jb scene later (or two)! :)
> 
> also i wanted to explain briefly why dabin seems to have kinda disappeared for the last few chapters lmao as i mentioned at the beginning of the fic i really wanted to write smut scenes of decent length especially since the fic got so long, to provide some kind of payoff for readers for their patience haha. and you might've noticed but for pivotal scenes such as the kiss and confession i could dwell on a single scene for a whole chapter so thats why it seems like many chapters have gone by even though it was only a few scenes and a short time in the timeline of the fic. im not skilled enough a writer yet to be able to condense all the pivotal scenes into the same length as the others to balance out the feeling of how much time has passed so i know it gives readers a slightly jarring feeling that a long time has passed without dabin being mentioned but its actually only supposed to be a short time... though i know it's still been a pretty sizeable length of time since i wrote about their parent-child interactions and it also bothered me a little that the dabin arc seemed to have been forgotten and neglected but i just had so much details to add and the narrative was so bloated already that if i tried to fit in more moments with the other characters it would become even more unwieldy lol. so rn im basically writing on the assumption that at the same time while jjp's relationship is developing, they are still having the same amount of moments with his daughter, its just that i dont cover them in the fic xD; time skips are a thing in most of my fics and i make use of this device conveniently to gloss over some parts when the plot gets too cluttered and bulky haha. so i guess readers could also just read with the assumption that lots of father-child moments are happening simultaneously to these few chapters its just that they're unwritten! :) and dw after the relationship is established and out of the way i still have quite a few cute dabin and dad!jb scenes planned haha. i was incredibly flattered that a few readers mentioned missing dabin though because i think for a character that isn't one of the 7 members to be so beloved by readers is really rare!


	13. Chapter 13

Red blotches appear high on Jinyoung's cheeks at Jaebum's words and he's obviously flustered and caught off guard. He seems to feel mortified and embarrassed that Jaebum remembered his confession from what seems like a lifetime ago now but was only a short time.

"Hyung, you're such a meanie," he mutters, teeth sinking into his plush lower lip, and Jaebum curses. Jinyoung really is the most lethal mix of cute and sexy, and Jaebum is a goner.

He leans forward, intending to kiss the shit out of Jinyoung, but Jinyoung gasps breathlessly, "Wait." His brow furrows in concern as if he just remembered something important.

"What, baby?" Jaebum frowns too.

Jinyoung blushes, but struggles to stay coherent. His eyes flicker to the baby monitor beside Jaebum's bed and he asks urgently: "Did you switch off the two-way communication?" He knows that Jaebum usually leaves it on because when Dabin was younger and still crying frequently at night Jaebum's disembodied voice seemed to be able to calm her down even when he was too tired out from school to go over to her room to rock her back to sleep.

Jaebum rolls his eyes, slightly offended that Jinyoung could even consider that he might have forgotten such an important thing but at the same time touched that Jinyoung himself isn't so drugged with lust he's forgotten Jaebum's daughter. "Of course," he says, kissing Jinyoung's cheek sweetly instead. "And yes, I turned off the baby cam too."

 

It's the first time since they bought and installed it that Jaebum has turned the baby cam with surveillance of Dabin in her cot off. He really doesn't want to think of his daughter right now, because he already feels guilty enough that they are doing this in the house when she's around, mere rooms and walls away, even though like all babies she's a deep sleeper and they had converted Jackson's room into a nursery for her some time ago. Jackson had officially moved into Mark's room to no one's surprise since they could no longer fool around in the car after Jaebum exposed them. (They tried to save their image by telling everyone who would listen that they sleep in separate beds, but no one believed them.) Although Jaebum knows his daughter can't hear him, he still feels like a disloyal and disgraceful father by engaging in such sordid acts with Jinyoung when Dabin is sweetly and innocently asleep.

Now, the only way Jaebum can carry on without crippling guilt is to try and forget his daughter, just for a while. He allows himself this lapse in fatherly duties and promises fervently that he will make it up to her later. He has no other choice but to throw away all his morals and virtues, because they haven't even taken off all their clothes or started anything yet but he feels like he's already waist-deep in Jinyoung, his entire lower body immersed in the luxurious jacuzzi the sight of Jinyoung's bare body feels like.

 

At his reassurance, Jinyoung finally relaxes, his body trembling in a shiver of pleasure under Jaebum's lips. He seems to be impatient to start too, caught up in the same urgent hunger, and Jaebum can barely catch his breath before it's snatched again by Jinyoung hooking his thumbs into the hem of his underwear and shimmying out of it.

His cock bobs between his thighs, growing visibly thicker and unfurling under Jaebum's burning gaze. Jinyoung's whole body, even his dick, seems to be flushing to the same shade of red as he grabs his cock with one hand with an unceremony that makes Jaebum want to protest to treat his property more gently. Jinyoung's roughness with his own sexual organ only makes Jaebum realise that much more how gentle Jinyoung had been with him.

Jinyoung pauses for a moment with his hand wrapped around his cock, the air between them thickening. He looks uncertain what to do and hesitant to let himself go fully in front of Jaebum, but when he looks up to meet Jaebum's eyes shyly Jaebum gives him a tight encouraging nod which seems to embolden Jinyoung and make some of his inhibitions fall away. Jaebum doesn't hold Jinyoung's gaze for long, his eyes uncontrollably snapping back down to see Jinyoung's hand now sliding up and down in a sensuous motion that takes Jaebum's breath away, precome now beading visibly on the tip of his cock and gathering at the slit, starting to drip down the reddened length.

Jinyoung swipes his finger over the tip of his cock and moans Jaebum's name. Jaebum's hands are balled into white-knuckled fists at his sides, fingernails digging crescents into his palms and twisted into the sheets to stop himself from reaching out to touch Jinyoung. Jinyoung looks so beautiful lost in his fantasy of Jaebum, his eyes glazed over with his rapidly building orgasm and Jaebum can almost see his dream-self in Jinyoung's glassy eyes.

Instead, to distract himself from pouncing on Jinyoung while he works himself up, Jaebum feasts his eyes on Jinyoung's naked body which he is finally seeing for the first time. It's truly a spectacle to behold, a vista worth waiting for -- because Jinyoung is perfect from head to toe, front to back. Not only is he hung like a horse which Jaebum already knew, he now realises how impressively toned Jinyoung's ass is, firm and taut as a professional gymnast's. Jinyoung is truly blessed with physical attributes, the embodiment of bodily perfection. Or maybe, Jaebum realises, he is the one who is blessed with the permission to gorge himself on this mouth-watering body.

Jinyoung's eyes focus on him and he sucks in a pained breath, his voice sounding like it comes from the depths of his throat when he speaks again. "Say something." His strokes on his cock quicken, fingers tightening and fuck if it's not the hottest sight Jaebum has ever seen.

He has no idea what to say to get Jinyoung off, and clumsily begins.

He finally allows his hands to wander towards Jinyoung's body, finding their way to his ass which feels as tight and supple beneath Jaebum's hands as it looks. His own cock hardens in his underwear to the solidity of porcelain as he fondles Jinyoung's ass longingly.

"Is this what you imagined?" His voice sounds roughened too in his attempt to keep it steady, and his fingers graze the crack of Jinyoung's ass teasingly, thinking about the earnestness with which Jinyoung pled with him to fuck him earlier. He feels Jinyoung's body tense up beneath his touch, a low moan slipping from his bitten lips. His eyelids fall to half-mast, his hand quickening to a sloppy blur.

Jaebum is incredibly turned on, ready to come just from this meager stimulation. "What about this?" He lets his index finger press deliberately into the cleft of Jinyoung's ass, which immediately clenches down on it with a hunger that makes a jet of precome spurt from his now painfully erect dick and form a growing damp spot at the crotch of his underwear.

Jinyoung's hips jerk down, snapping back onto the bed and Jaebum's finger in a fruitless thrust, and he comes without warning, a splatter of thick and viscous come bursting from the tip of his cock and catching Jaebum on the chin. Jinyoung gasps sharply and manages to contain the rest of his orgasm with his hand, his body still shaking violently and wracked by tremors as his cock jerks through the remaining load, white trickles overflowing and spilling from between his fingers.

Jaebum's body is prickling with heat, and he discreetly covers his crotch with his hand to hide how fucking turned on he is right now, how he will shatter into his own explosive orgasm with just one touch from Jinyoung. Jinyoung is falling apart now but he is definitely going to get even with Jaebum for bringing up the embarrassment of his wet dreams again and Jaebum doesn't want to give him extra ammunition.

 

"You're so dirty, Jinyoung-ah," he murmurs mockingly, his words only making Jinyoung's skin dampen more with perspiration and flush a feverish vermilion.

Jaebum instantly feels a pang of guilt. His voice softens audibly, going back to normal as he says apologetically, "I'm sorry, was that too cruel?"

Jinyoung's eyes soften too and he looks so soft and edible like this, blown and worn out from the force of his orgasm. "No, you sounded hot," he gasps, body stilling but still sounding winded. He looks down shyly, bites his lip again. "I like it... when you're beastly."

Jaebum can't help it -- at Jinyoung's words, he grabs his own cock. Jinyoung's eyes flicker down, wide as he finally notices Jaebum's raging erection, and a renewed gleam enters his eyes as Jaebum rubs the heel of his palm against his cock with rough desperation through his underwear, only succeeding in intensifying his arousal, but he's too hard to care. He stubbornly refuses to reach into his briefs to tug himself off in front of Jinyoung's sexy smug smirk though.

Jaebum calms himself down, holds his orgasm at bay with deep breaths. He grabs Jinyoung's shoulders, gripping his shoulder blades tightly.

"Has any other man ever... touched you?" The words are wrenched out of him, surprising even himself as they finally roll off the tip of his tongue where they have hung a breath away from being uttered for so long. He squeezes his eyes shut, almost afraid to hear the answer. That was why he hadn't asked -- because he wasn't sure what he would do, if he could keep himself from flying off the handle if Jinyoung said yes.

But for some reason, after Jinyoung masturbated in front of him for the first time, showing Jaebum how insanely hot he looks while jerking off to his fantasies of Jaebum, way hotter than any of Jaebum's own fantasies or anything he could ever have imagined -- Jaebum needs to know the answer even if it kills him.

"No." The word in Jinyoung's soft voice makes his eyes fly open. Jinyoung is looking into his eyes tenderly, with no shadow of a doubt that he is telling the truth. Jaebum almost breaks down in relief, his entire body sagging. Unreasonable exhilaration floods him, accompanied by chagrin at the serrated memory of how Jinyoung had looked that first day when Jaebum had found Dabin on their doorstep -- his eyes dazed and flat like he had been crushed by a slab of granite.

"It's my first time," Jinyoung continues, smiling quietly, and Jaebum's heart soars into his throat. His dread had been steadily increasing as Jinyoung unveiled his body, unable to believe that someone so intensely desirable and sexual could have no experience. He feels a flood of gratitude that Jinyoung has apparently been saving himself for him -- because it's impossible that with charisma like this he hasn't received any offers or propositions. He wishes he could express to Jinyoung in words how honoured Jaebum feels to be losing his anal virginity to him.

"Me too," he blurts out instead, and Jinyoung's eyes widen in disbelief and confusion.

"What? How...?"

"My first time with someone I love," Jaebum clarifies quietly, gazing intensely into Jinyoung's eyes to convey the sincerity of his words. Jinyoung blushes deeply with unconcealed pleasure.

"Oh," he murmurs demurely, clearly pleased and utterly contented just with this confession. Jaebum's heart swells with love for him.

 

"Show me more," he whispers hotly, and Jinyoung looks up, fresh desire creeping into his eyes. "Is that all your fantasies?" Jaebum goads challengingly but gently.

Jinyoung shakes his head, adorably pink. But he turns the tables on Jaebum by slanting his eyes towards the obvious bulge of Jaebum's crotch.

"Join me," Jinyoung whispers sweet and sultry.

Jaebum shifts in uncontrollable embarrassment but is thankful for and unable to resist Jinyoung's invitation because he can't hold out much longer. With relief, he covers his cock with his palm, just the pressure lightening the tension building in his groin.

Jinyoung readily and spontaneously grabs his dick again too. It's still limp and flaccid from his recent orgasm, but as Jaebum reaches into his waistband with tantalizing slowness he watches Jinyoung's cock harden in the loose circle of his grasp, his fingers tightening on it as it grows fuller.

Jaebum doesn't take off his underwear, deluding himself that this gives him some advantage and upper hand over Jinyoung. He holds his waistband open with one hand to keep himself from reaching out to help Jinyoung get himself off and with the other starts furiously pulling at his cock which almost dissolves in long-awaited gratification.

As Jackson would put it, they wank together for the first time, their bodies not touching at any part at all except for their eyes steadily holding each other. Neither of them look down because looking into each other's eyes is far more electric than seeing each other's cocks. Jaebum can see the fire blazing in Jinyoung's, how much he turns Jinyoung on and this only feeds his own hunger. It's uncomfortably intimate, the first time they're jerking themselves off in front of each other and exposing to each other their uncontrolled expressions when they orgasm by their own hand. It feels like it should be awkward but instead it's really hot.

 

Jaebum comes first, taking care not to dirty Jinyoung with the violent eruption from his cock by cupping the gushing head with his palm and groaning into the other clamped over his mouth. His body shudders in uncontrollable spasms as the orgasm rocks through him and he sees Jinyoung snap his hips down on Jaebum's bed again as if searching futilely for friction. His hand on his cock doesn't stop pumping, sweat gathering at his temples and mouth slack, head thrown back.

"Go on," Jaebum manages to gasp out as the final aftershocks wring his spent frame. "You look incredible." He leans back with his hands braced weakly behind him, his limp cock flopping between his legs looking obscenely red and still glistening, his hands sticky with his copious come.

His words seem to be an aphrodisiac to Jinyoung, who obediently keeps his pace.

"I want you to come on my face," Jaebum hears himself saying -- ordering -- and gasps at the same time as Jinyoung at how dirty he sounds. He's way dirtier than Jinyoung and sounds like a perverted old man. Jinyoung is kind enough not to point that out, and busy with the pre-orgasm tremors building up and quaking through his slender frame.

Jaebum watches, mouth open and drool nearly leaking out. Jinyoung could literally send all the porn stars in the world into retirement, male _and_ female. Because he already came once just a while before, he's taking a little longer to reach climax than Jaebum but is has an impressive stamina, cock already engorged to bursting fullness and leaking rapidly again.

Jaebum realises that he means it. He wants to feel the temperature of Jinyoung's come on his face, the filth of it and the force of Jinyoung's orgasm from the height his ropes of come can spurt. He wants to lick Jinyoung's come off his lips and taste it carefully the way he has wanted to since the blowjob in the bathroom.

 

Jinyoung doesn't reply, but he doesn't need to, his obedience spelled out in Jaebum's name spilling from his lips like an incantation. Jinyoung spreads his legs, his knees facing out in a V shape to give his cock and the up-and-down motion of his hands more space. Jaebum leans forward in anticipation, every atom of his body aching to touch Jinyoung.

He now realises how stupid and foolish his worry that he wouldn't be able to perform had been, his cold feet that had been part of the reason he concurred when Jinyoung asked him to take the lead first. He had been daunted because it's his first time having anal sex, and even though he is madly in love with and extremely turned on by Jinyoung, Jaebum still had the irrational niggling fear that his lack of experience would lead to failure and disappointing Jinyoung.

Now, his body is proving him wrong. His cock was harder and his erection more undying with Jinyoung than any girl he has ever had sex with. Jaebum has a feeling this illustrates a pretty important point about his sexuality but right now he is too occupied with salivating at the sight of Jinyoung's increasingly heated masturbation to care. When Jinyoung makes an incredibly erotic mewling noise Jaebum finally gives in to his urges and reaches out into the valley of Jinyoung's thighs with both hands to drag them with slow pleasure down the silken and delicate skin of his inner thighs.

Jinyoung explodes at Jaebum's touch, literally. It's a good thing Jaebum leaned forward because he's at the perfect position to receive the bullet of come that shoots out of the slit of Jinyoung's cock in an arc that catches him perfectly across the face and mouth, satisfyingly hot with the lingering temperature the incubation of Jinyoung's body.

Jaebum enjoys the ensuing stream of come that hits his skin almost too quickly for him to lap up with his eager tongue, tasting Jinyoung's delicious bouquet again. Jinyoung's teeth are sunk painfully into his lower lip as he shudders through his lengthy orgasm as silently as he can, fingers curled white-knuckled into Jaebum's twisted and sweaty sheets. Jinyoung's cock twitches through the last throes of his climax with one of his hands fisted loosely around its base until it goes slack and Jaebum wipes the last of his come off his dripping face.

It's the hottest bath he's ever taken.

 

Jinyoung is breathing heavily, looking flushed with both satiation and mortification at how wildly he had come over Jaebum's face. The room is steaming up like an oven and there hasn't even been any penetration yet. This is out of control.

Jaebum glares at Jinyoung, looking remarkably and unfairly poised despite the recent violence of his orgasm and as he steadily destroys both Jaebum's life and body. It's a mystery more baffling than any Sherlock Holmes case how long Jaebum had waited to lay his hands on Jinyoung when Jinyoung is splayed vulnerable and wide open before him, looking like a delicacy Jaebum has been waiting his entire life to partake in.

He mutters a few expletives under his breath, and Jinyoung's silvery laugh tinkles breathlessly.

"Did you just call me fuckable?" He bats his lashes coyly.

"No, I said _huggable_ ," Jaebum replies snidely, giving him a taste of his own medicine. Jinyoung's laughter is reward enough.

 

"C'mere, darling," Jaebum says hoarsely, the English endearment slipping as easily off his tongue as if he were Mark or Jackson. He's always been lowkey jealous of how admiring Jinyoung looks whenever Mark and Jackson lapse into their fluent and dangerously slurring English but never been confident enough of his own command to risk making an ass of himself.

Now, though, it has the exact result intended, Jinyoung looking dazzled as he hastens to climb into Jaebum's lap and curls up unresistingly in his accomodating embrace. Jinyoung thinks he just wants to cuddle innocently, but Jaebum evilly surprises him by winding his fingers around Jinyoung's cock. How could he be blamed for not being able to resist when Jinyoung is naked in his arms?

Jinyoung gasps so softly that Jaebum's own cock stirs against the cleft of his ass and he feels Jinyoung hips buck down against it, a little soblike noise escaping his lips. It's too much stimulation all at once. Jaebum is so afraid he will pin Jinyoung down and roughly fuck him into the bed right this very instant with no preparation that he quickly pushes Jinyoung out from between his thighs again with no ceremony and scoots his own naked rear back a respectful few inches away.

Jinyoung's breathing is laboured, making a pitiful noise of protest at Jaebum's hand leaving his cock. His closed eyes flutter open weakly, revealing blown irises.

"Hyung." Jinyoung sounds so forlorn that Jaebum immediately gathers him into his arms again, but this time keeps them facing each other so there is no danger of him losing control of his sudden violent urges to pin Jinyoung's shoulder blades down with his elbows and thrust deeply into him from the back, fucking his face into the mattress.

Jinyoung looks a little mollified and at least distracted when Jaebum pulls him closer, their dicks sliding together and Jinyoung's thighs easily falling over his as he scoots his own groin closer. Without hesitation, Jaebum takes both their dicks together and presses their lengths clumsily together with both his hands, wrapping them together in a snug grip.

They both gasp at the feeling of their cocks hot and hard against each other, throbbing with the blood rushing to their erections. Jinyoung moans, gripping Jaebum's right bicep with a tight hand and cants his hips up a little into the circle of Jaebum's hands so his cock slides up against Jaebum's. This draws an echoing low moan from Jaebum's throat.

Jinyoung's other hand moves tremblingly to join his, covering the back of his left hand and guiding it to tug them both to completion with long slow strokes. Jinyoung leans his forehead weakly against Jaebum's, breathing hard, his thighs heavy over Jaebum's and his ankles moving to lock together behind Jaebum's ass.

They come almost within seconds of each other, the mixture of their equally hot come feeling blissfully lurid against Jaebum's thumb as he rubs it insistently over Jinyoung's sensitive and overused slit. Jinyoung's worn and sensitized cock throbs through his orgasm against his own thrashing one and he makes the most unspeakably adorable little incoherent hiccups by Jaebum's ear until it ends.

 

They've already come more times than Jaebum can keep count of, Jinyoung once more than Jaebum, and he's worried that no matter how strong their stamina is they'll be too spent and fucked out before they even get to fourth base. As Jinyoung leans his head in contented exhaustion against Jaebum's shoulder he decides they should probably conclude the foreplay and get down to business now.

He lets both of them rest and recharge for a while slumped against each other's bodies, get their breaths back. Despite the multiple prior orgasms he feels ready to go again and hopes Jinyoung feels the same. He cradles the back of Jinyoung's sweaty head with a hand and cards his fingers through his soft hair, murmuring delicately, "Can you still...?"

His heart leaps at Jinyoung's faint but definite nod against his shoulder, making him realise how much he is anticipating this. Jinyoung lingers a while more reluctantly, his long lashes fluttering against the skin of Jaebum's shoulder. He giggles at the ticklishness and Jinyoung finally raises his head to look up at him, smiling faintly in amusement.

He caresses Jaebum's face sensually and sweeps him up into a smooth and steamy kiss without warning.

"You're so cute," he breathes when they break apart, and Jaebum nearly starts hyperventilating.

"Calm down, hyung," Jinyoung says, voice somehow full of teasing and kindness at the same time. "It's just me."

Looking into Jinyoung's meaningful eyes, Jaebum realises that Jinyoung senses the qualms and anxieties he had been feeling. As usual, Jinyoung is right and manages to settle Jaebum's nerves in just a few words.

Of course, Jaebum had been worried for nothing. It's just Jinyoung, who Jaebum has known almost his whole life, whom he knows almost as well as he knows himself. And they're merely about to get to know each other better. It's as natural as night following day.

 

He nods, throat tight, and Jinyoung smiles, relaxing too. He strokes Jaebum's cheek with an achingly tender finger.

"Do you still have the condoms Jackson and Mark hyung gave you?"

Jaebum almost laughs, almost frowns at the unexpected question and how unwelcome Jackson and Mark's names are to hear when he is one minute away from being fucked by Jinyoung, especially followed by a _hyung_. Jaebum really doesn't want to hear Jinyoung calling any other guys hyung now. Or ever, for that matter, but he'll revisit that topic later.

But he doesn't vocalize his displeasure and just nods, before panicking slightly. "I don't have lube though," he realises abruptly. He had been planning to buy it discreetly from a shop where no one would know or see him since he had started researching the workings of gay sex, but had been procrastinating on the dreaded task not knowing the necessity would arise so soon.

Relief floods him when Jinyoung laughs softly and whispers, "I've got it." He drags his eyes away from their hypnotically-locked gazes away for a difficult second to stretch across Jaebum's bed with an arousing grace and reach for his jeans. Jinyoung rummages breathlessly in the pocket and produces a small tube with triumph.

Jaebum's heart clenches when he sees that the middle of the tube is slightly dented, obviously having been used before. But Jinyoung just told him -- His expression must show his thoughts, because Jinyoung quickly hastens to reassure him gently, "I used it to finger myself." He blushes prettily.

"F-finger yourself?" Jaebum bleats like a dumb goat. Jinyoung clears his throat awkwardly.

"Where are the condoms?"

"Oh, right." Jaebum dazedly scrambles to open his bedside drawer, nearly falling out of his bed. Jinyoung steadies him with a heavy hand on his hip which he doesn't remove even when Jaebum is back in front of him holding the box and Jaebum swallows, his skin tingling beneath Jinyoung's callused palm.

 

Jinyoung suddenly bursts out laughing for no apparent reason, breaking the charged moment. Jaebum blinks and Jinyoung apologises, swallowing back his chuckles. "Sorry, it's just... did you know these are glow-in-the-dark?"

Jaebum snaps the front of the box towards him to check and sure enough, that's what the label says. He groans. "I am going to put this in their coffee in the morning, I swear."

Jinyoung only cackles more at his dark tone. "You have to admit... it's so _us_ though."

Jaebum's mouth falls open, about to protest. How can glow-in-the-dark condoms suit Jaebum and Jinyoung? They are the most romantic and serious couple, like, ever since Jack and Rose. But then he sees the barely suppressed laughter dancing silently but irresistibly in Jinyoung's eyes and allows himself to crack a smile. "If you say so," he grudgingly mutters.

"Come on, let's get them on, then." Jinyoung smoothly takes charge with a gentle authority that sweeps Jaebum off his feet.

He doesn't know what makes him boldly blurt out. "Can we do it... without one?"

"What?" Jinyoung looks up at him, startled.

Jaebum nods earnestly. "Since this is your first time... I don't think there's any danger."

Jinyoung's eyes sparkle with temptation, but he looks uncertain. "Are you sure?"

Jaebum bobs his head again more vigorously. "I want... to feel you." He blushes at his words which sound like lines uttered by the cliche heroine of a shoujo smut manga.

"I want to feel your come inside me," he clarifies in an attempt to sound less cheesy, but which makes him sound instead now like the stereotypical _uke_ in a yaoi manga.

He thanks heaven that Jinyoung doesn't read mangas and has more sophisticated tastes in books when Jinyoung appears to be finally convinced by his words.

"Well, okay, hyung... you call the shots." Jinyoung lowers his lashes meekly, making Jaebum's inner top flare up again. He swears Jinyoung is doing this on purpose.

 

Jaebum clears his throat to keep his mind on the task. "So... what should we do next?" he asks with clueless sheepishness.

Jinyoung smiles as if he finds Jaebum's inexperience sweet. He unscrews the tube of lubricant.

"We need to prep you," he says, voice low.

Jaebum obediently and mutely unfurls his hand when Jinyoung takes it, and Jinyoung squeezes a generous amount of the cool grease into his palm. Then he presses his right hand against Jaebum's left and rub their palms against each other.

"To warm it," he explains.

Jaebum's heart starts beating quicker as Jinyoung tells him gently to lift his knees and spread his legs open. Jinyoung reaches down between Jaebum's legs and Jaebum stiffens, trying not to tremble as Jinyoung's lubed fingers slide beneath his cock and move south, finding the crack of his ass and tracing it lightly.

Jinyoung gives him a quiet, reassuring smile and takes Jaebum's left hand with his other hand. Slowly, he guides Jaebum's hand towards his cock and Jaebum is immediately distracted by how Jinyoung's cock twitches like a live animal when he closes his oily palm over it.

"Coat my cock with a little too, just in case." Jinyoung's voice is barely more than a breathy moan.

On his first upstroke, Jaebum's entire body tenses up to feel Jinyoung's index finger sliding into his ass and nudging the rim of his hole before pressing in to the first knuckle.

"Relax," Jinyoung coaxes, his own voice strung tight.

Jaebum forces himself to take a deep breath and does his best to, not letting go of Jinyoung's dick or forgetting his own task. He feels torn apart in both directions by both sensory experiences as Jinyoung's cock stiffens hard and smooth in his greasy grasp and he continues working his finger steadily but with breathtaking gentleness into Jaebum's tight hole.

He doesn't even notice that Jinyoung's first digit is entirely inside him until the second pushes in beside it, making him hold his breath at the burning stretch. The tension is so suspenseful and unbearable that before he knows it he has snapped his hips down just slightly but enough to impale himself fully on Jinyoung's two fingers. Jinyoung's sharp intake of breath and the way his cock leaks just a little more over Jaebum's fingers, growing hotter makes his muscles clench in response over Jinyoung's digits.

Suddenly, Jinyoung crooks his fingers slightly, the pads pressing against a spot inside Jaebum that makes him cry out in surprise... and pleasure. All of a sudden his cock is hard and straining again, curving up and smearing precome against his stomach with the coil of white hot pleasure burning in the pit of his stomach.

Jinyoung is breathing hard, his own cock pulsing wetly between Jaebum's fingers, sliding down and up a little as his hips jerk. He groans and closes his eyes, as if afraid he won't be able to hold out for long.

"Loosen your grip a little," he hisses, and Jaebum obeys. Jinyoung takes a few bracing breaths and finally seems to calm down, his hips stopping their trembling beneath Jaebum's hand.

"Quickly," Jinyoung mutters, and Jaebum is only too glad to comply as they rush through the rest of the process to prepare each other to sufficient hardness and looseness for penetration. Jinyoung manages to coax a third finger in, making Jaebum's hole feel so full for a moment he can't even exhale. This is the first time he's had anything entering his ass and the sensation is so foreign and strange, though not unpleasantly so, that he still feels slightly unaccustomed and surreal.

 

For the first time, Jinyoung's perennial gentleness seems to waver and his movements grow jerky with impatience and loss of control as he starts to finger Jaebum relentlessly, groaning when Jaebum fucks himself back down a little on his fingers, hoping for the skilled pads of Jinyoung's fingers to find that elusive spot in him again. He now knows why all those girls he had fucked had cried out in such ecstasy when he hit a certain spot inside them, though he never knew that guys had a similar bundle of nerves. The sensation is completely different from that of stroking his cock to orgasm, the pleasure much more intimate and indescribable. He half wishes Jinyoung would touch his cock to distract him from the pain but is half relieved he doesn't because the blunted edge of pain is the only thing keeping him from coming just from being stretched and scissored open by Jinyoung's fingers and he's almost certain he would come immediately if Jinyoung even touched his aching and swollen cock.

Jinyoung's throaty groans aren't helping matters. Jaebum had no idea the dulcet of his voice sounded so good wrecked and broken. His nerve endings are frayed to such rawness he feels like he could come alone from just the sound of Jinyoung's voice igniting them and he finally manages to choke out, "Enough. Please -- Jinyoung -- Now."

His choppy pleas are barely coherent but thankfully Jinyoung seems to understand, sliding his fingers slickly out of Jaebum with a pop. Jaebum writhes in agony at the absence and swallows a bereft sob, needing Jinyoung's dick so stiffened in his hand it feels like a steel rod to immediately replace the absence. Jaebum feels so stretched apart, so empty that it seems nothing could ever be substantial enough to fill him up again after the loss of Jinyoung's deft fingers.

Jinyoung makes a disgruntled noise of protest as well when Jaebum lets go of his cock, which continues standing stiffly on its own, jutting out from his groin at a painful angle. Jaebum clumsily attempts to scramble into a horizontal position so Jinyoung can enter him as promptly as possible, spreading his legs wantonly wide and feeling his walls pulse in anticipation of caving to the pressure of Jinyoung's cock.

But Jinyoung's voice stops him. "Switch the lights off."

"Whaa...?" Jaebum is dazedly confused for a second, before recovering and feeling a sense of relief. He had been feeling increasingly awkward and uncomfortable with the light of the table lamp casting their nudity and contorted expressions into clarity, and had a feeling it would be even worse when they were fitted together into the metaphorical two-headed and four-legged beast. Even the hotness of the situation isn't enough to completely eclipse the heavy weight of awkwardness and he feels momentary gratitude towards Jinyoung's thoughtfulness at remembering the lights when Jaebum can barely think straight. He isn't even used to anything beyond vanilla sex with girls in the dark, and to see his cock bobbing between both their stomachs like this and smearing over Jinyoung's abdomen when Jinyoung leans over him is way too embarrassing for someone as conservative as him.

 

So although he hasn't gotten enough of feasting his eyes on Jinyoung's gorgeous body, the tight curve of his ass and sleek arch of his spine which no clothes do justice to, Jaebum reaches out with relief to flick the last light left in the room off and plunging the room into darkness. After a few moments his eyes adjust to the moonlight and he can see the vague shadow of Jinyoung rearing over him, his breathing growing heavier and Jaebum's heart pounding in his ears the only thing punctuating the silence. Jinyoung carefully lays his head back against his own pillows.

He jumps when he feels Jinyoung's hands settle on his knees, then slowly spread them apart. Jinyoung gently settles between Jaebum's thighs, lowering his weight over his lower body. Jaebum tries his best to push his legs wider apart to accommodate Jinyoung's body, and Jinyoung slowly inches up his torso, until Jaebum's sensitized ass jerks up at the contact of the moist tip of Jinyoung's erection.

Jinyoung pins him down with his lower body and places his hands on either side of Jaebum's head, bracing himself over Jaebum. His cock rubs against the cleft of Jaebum's ass, the lube making their skin slide slickly together. Jaebum stifles a sob and the urge to push himself down on Jinyoung's cock in the hope of filling himself in one hard thrust.

He hears Jinyoung's voice hot by his ear, his hair tickling Jaebum's cheek.

"Are you ready? I'm going to fuck you so hard, you won't remember your own name."

Jinyoung doesn't call him hyung, and the lack of intimacy in the warning, the coarseness of his voice, makes it seem like it could belong to any random tall dark and handsome man for just a moment. Jaebum doesn't know if it's deliberate or not but his entire body breaks out trembling like a leaf at Jinyoung's unexpected talent in dirty-talking.

"Will I remember yours?" he responds in a taunting tone without addressing Jinyoung, following his cue.

He gasps in surprise when Jinyoung grinds his erection, hard, square against his twitching and hypersensitive entrance, blunt head of his cock stopping just short of breaching Jaebum.

"You will if you still want to live."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please go to my works and check out the "letter to my readers" i posted yesterday, because i wrote most of it thinking of the readers of this fic! :)


	14. Chapter 14

As the shadowy outline of Jinyoung's figure sharpens in the hazy moonlight filtering through the gauzy curtains, Jaebum realises another advantage of the darkness -- the limited vision makes his other senses more heightened, with an almost razor-sharp clarity. Under the cover and cloak of the dimness and without embarrassment to distract him, he can smell the scent of Jinyoung's post-handjob and pre-sex perspiration layered with the musky fragrance of his cologne; pick up the irregular push-pull of his shallow breathing as if intensified tenfold. But most of all, he can see and feel the impact of Jinyoung's size like an almost physical blow. Since they are around the same height and stature, Jinyoung even a bit slighter than him up till recent years, Jaebum usually doesn't see Jinyoung as someone very imposing.

But now, from the bottom, somehow Jinyoung feels breathtakingly heavy and looks much more broad-shouldered and barrel-chested on top of him. The breadth of his shoulders takes up the entire field of Jaebum's vision as he hovers over him and his sixty-three kilograms crushes the air out of Jaebum's lungs and makes his heart skip a few beats, pumping faster. He feels ridiculously protected, dwarved as he trails his fingers apprehensively over Jinyoung's tense biceps holding him up over Jaebum, dancing them over the rippling muscles and a sound that sounds like "Nngh," emits from Jinyoung's throat in a low growly voice Jaebum has never heard before.

Jinyoung's eyes shine prettily like diamonds, like liquorice drops in the moonlight, their sharp wolfish gleam clouded and blunted by lust. The head of his cock nestled flush against the indentation of Jaebum's ass continues seeming to grow in size and rigidity, feeling more and more like a cat outside a rat's hole in the wall. Jaebum can't imagine how something so huge and hard could fit into his asshole, even after being loosened. And yet, he can't endure another minute without Jinyoung forcing himself in and breaching all of Jaebum's barriers like a wrecking ball demolishing crumbling walls.

Jinyoung slowly nudges Jaebum's legs apart more, his powerful thighs pinning Jaebum's own quaking thighs apart firmly. Jaebum lets himself succumb, allows Jinyoung to overpower him relishing in the complete surrender of control. He's not afraid of being hurt; is only afraid of not being able to give Jinyoung enough pleasure. He has always had a high tolerance for pain, especially when it comes to Jinyoung. Splayed under Jinyoung, he abruptly remembers that incident in high school when he had gotten bashed up by the gang of thugs who were bullying Jinyoung. Just like now, he hadn't felt a single ounce of fear or apprehension when he confronted them -- only pure anger. Just like Jinyoung's chaste pristinity, every single emotion Jaebum feels about Jinyoung is pure as white paper.

And right now, all he feels is pure overriding desire. Desire for Jinyoung and the desire to please him. He would take on a lion for Jinyoung without hesitation, would jump off a building if Jinyoung commanded him to. This absolute surrender, the ability and the confidence to trust himself to one person entirely is startlingly liberating.

 

Jaebum is brought sharply back to the present by Jinyoung reaching down with his right hand and caressing Jaebum's testicles, then slowly moving his skilled fingers towards his penis when he draws out a tortured mixture of a mewl, whimper and moan. Jaebum's cock is dripping agonized drops of precome, the veins throbbing alarmingly as Jinyoung fondles them to diamond hardness. Jaebum guesses he's trying to distract him from the impending piercing pain of penetration -- and he's right. But he still hisses in surprise and an unexpectedly strong spike of pleasure when Jinyoung hitches the first inch of his cock in, penetrating him like a knife through butter. Still, despite the aid of the lube, the instinctive surprise makes all the muscles below Jaebum's waist tauten up in reflex.

Jinyoung slides in a little further, his cock prising Jaebum's anus apart. The friction is mindblowing and Jaebum's fingers scrabble against Jinyoung's biceps, digging in painfully as he gasps for leverage. It's painfully intimate, feeling Jinyoung from both above and inside him, his pulse pumping in sync through the delicate skin of his cock and his chest pounding against Jaebum's. His breathing is harshening and the sexiest grunts of exertion slip from his mouth as he gently struggles against Jaebum's resistance.

Jinyoung hesitates, seeming to think he's hurting Jaebum and literally stops mid-thrust. It's so infuriating and agonizing to his walls pulsing like the ventricles of a heart that he nearly screams. Impulsively, he moves his hands down from their claw-like grip over Jinyoung's upper arms and grabs both his ass cheeks. He sees Jinyoung's eyes widen in warning for a split-second before Jaebum relaxes his lower body and grips Jinyoung's butt at the same time, hauling him into himself.

" _Ah!_ " Jaebum thinks the cry came from him, before he comes spiraling down from the jolt of ecstasy that spun through him when Jinyoung bottomed out fully for a second, finding someplace very near the spot his fingers had discovered earlier. But he belatedly realises it was Jinyoung who had groaned in surprise, his breath now coming in sob-like little breaths as Jaebum clenches around his entire length, trying not to but unable to control the way he feels so stuffed, crammed full of Jinyoung's bloated cock. Jinyoung's arms have given out over him and his upper body is crushing Jaebum immobile too, hips snapping forward in dry shallow thrusts that make their pelvises slap together with filthily wet noises.

"F-fuck, hyung, you're so tight," Jinyoung is muttering by his ear, sounding incoherent and deliriously fevered as he struggles to shift a little and Jaebum lets out a wrenching sob.

Jinyoung forces himself to stop with a Herculean effort, sweat pouring down both their bodies with the exertion. "Oh my god, did I hurt you?" he demands in a tight voice, still trembling inside Jaebum.

"N-no," Jaebum stammers, barely coherent. "There -- Again."

"Here?" Jinyoung makes a hesitant thrust, and Jaebum yells, "Arghh!!!" It's mortifying, he never thought he would be a screamer but here Jinyoung is making him screech the house down and probably wake the entire neighbourhood and he hasn't even started moving properly yet.

Jinyoung follows his instructions and shifts the way he dictates -- and finally, his cock is completely sheathed inside Jaebum, right up to the base without a single inch of space between their pelvises. Jaebum can feel their pubic hair grazing each other's, their balls rubbing, and the sensation is... well, sensational. His ass finally, thankfully expanding just enough to let Jinyoung fit in like a hand into a kid glove, before closing up over him again like a hole being sealed. He's so tight around Jinyoung that he wonders if Jinyoung will be able to get out of the vise-grip of his asshole again -- not that he minds.

Jinyoung pauses within him again, catching his breath audibly, a droplet of his sweat trickling down from his temple onto Jaebum's. For a heartbeat, their eyes connect and time stops. Jinyoung flushes and lets out a nervous little laugh, and Jaebum feels it rumbling through his dick, vibrating from his lower body up. It's the most incredible and amazing sensation he's ever felt. Then they both look away from the intensity, their faces and bodies burning hotter, unable to hold each other's eyes any longer as if they can ignore the way their lower bodies are locked lewdly and filthily together by doing this.

Like all first times, this is no exception. It's clumsy and awkward and painful -- but it's undeniable: they fit miraculously, poetically together. Jinyoung's oversized and inflated organ should feel foreign, alien -- but instead the intrusion is unaccountably seamless and comfortable. Neither of them needs to vocalize it, but both of them can feel it, the speechless wonder of aligning so flawlessly that it couldn't have been arranged by anything other than a higher immortal power.

Jaebum feels another hot droplet landing on his cheek, startling him. He thinks it's Jinyoung's perspiration again but then feels Jinyoung shifting heavily above him as his hand fumbles to swipe across his eyes roughly.

"Shit, I swore I wouldn't cry again." His voice is familiarly squeaky for the first time since he climbed over Jaebum, cracking on the last word. Jaebum feels a pang of protectiveness at the crack in Jinyoung's toughness. Then Jinyoung makes a low noise at the back his throat, and Jaebum's cock presses insistently between their stomachs as he feels it ricocheting through his body like a lightning rod. Jinyoung's breath hitches a little as Jaebum's tip leaks against his torso, moving back a little uncomfortably to accommodate the hardness digging into his body.

"Sorry," Jaebum mutters, blushing and Jinyoung gives a small shake of his head, letting out a small shuddery breath with a shaky smile. Both of them still don't dare to meet each other's eyes directly. Jinyoung feels like a dildo set on fire and thrust up inside him, his hardness and hotness nearly inhuman. Jaebum can sense how much effort it's taking him to remain motionless from the tightness of his pelvic muscles but he continues keeping still and giving Jaebum more time to adjust to his size before he starts moving.

Jinyoung covers his eyes with both hands when his tears continue falling despite his attempts to stem them, his shoulders now looking frail and birdlike as they rack with noiseless sobs. Jaebum feels every one like a stake driven through his heart. His heart aching almost as much as his dick, he reaches out to gently pry Jinyoung's hands off his face.

"I want you to look at me," he breathes, voice deep and rough. Jinyoung breathlessly lets Jaebum move his hands away, revealing his face flushed and eyes embarrassed. His dick leaks a little in Jaebum, impatiently.

"I want you to look at your cock disappearing into my ass." Jaebum shocks himself with his own words, deluding himself that he is only trying to distract Jinyoung but deep down knowing that he is in fact trying to goad him, to get a rise out of him and make him lose control as Jinyoung gasps softly, titillated and tears successfully dried up as Jaebum takes his hand and guides it down to where their lower bodies are connected, traces the line where the base of Jinyoung's cock is plugged tightly into Jaebum's ass like a stopper into a drain, his finger teasingly breaching the line of his pelvis to scrape his fingernail against the hypersensitive and hot skin of Jinyoung's balls.

Jaebum feels Jinyoung's reaction inside him, a gasping sob wrenched out of him as he slams forward into Jaebum in one thrust, embedding himself impossibly deeper with a loud smacking sound of their pelvises crushing together, hipbones knocking painfully.

Jinyoung lifts his upper body up a little with an effort to give himself a better and less horizontal angle, so their sticky groins don't feel so squashed together. His lashes, spiked vulnerably with tears are a stark contrast to the way his cock is swelling up in the clench of Jaebum's ass, the core of steel rubbing and chafing luridly between his cheeks.

Jaebum really, really wants to reach up and lick the delicious-looking sweat glistening on the column of Jinyoung's ivory neck with its tendons standing out, his adorably red ears which are the most honest part of him. So he does.

Jinyoung inhales sharply and softly, and closes his eyes as if in pain. As expected, even his skin tastes nice, floral and salty at the same time. Jaebum can smell himself on Jinyoung in the most intimate, invasive way, his own familiar aroma braided together with Jinyoung's expensive scent. It feels like finally, he's managed to crawl under Jinyoung's skin.

Jinyoung's breathing is getting dangerously laboured, erupting in little tremors even though he still hasn't begun moving yet for an impressive amount of time. He feels even huger inside Jaebum if possible, and Jaebum feels his body expanding around Jinyoung too to accommodate him, like liquid taking the shape of whatever bottle its poured in. It's like nothing he's ever felt in his twenty-three years, being torn apart from the inside so bruisingly gently by another man's organ.

 

Jinyoung is a gentleman and he's an even gentler lover, reaching a trembling hand up once again to brush Jaebum's sweaty bangs out of his eyes. It's unbelievable how composed he seems when Jaebum's rock-hard and sweating dick is poking into his stomach so painfully Jinyoung has to constantly shift to give it space, but Jaebum has already noticed that Jinyoung has ironclad determination when it comes to delaying his own gratification for as long as he can. It's probably also due to their prior multiple orgasms before this that they have been able to hold out so inhumanly long, lost in each other's eyes.

But even when Jinyoung isn't thrusting, Jaebum can still feel his dick ripping into him like a hot poker thrust up his asshole, except much sexier and less painful than it sounds. Jaebum twists underneath him, in impatient agony.

"Jinyoungie," he moans breathlessly. "Please -- When are you going to move?"

Jinyoung's face is pale, eyes tight with the effort of holding himself back. "Are you ready?" He looks doubtful. This is ridiculous. Jaebum can't believe he can still talk when Jaebum is locked around him like this with the tightness of a vacuum cleaner sucking up dust. "I don't want to hurt you."

Jaebum writhes in response and grinds down hard against Jinyoung's pelvis, until Jinyoung's hipbones dig into his ass cheeks.

"I want you to fuck me until my ass still remembers it tomorrow. Till I can't sit down," he locks his ankles around the base of Jinyoung's spine, wrapping his thighs around his hips as he pushes himself up on his elbows with difficulty, arching his back to whisper in his ear.

The contortion seems to be what undoes Jinyoung. He convulses, and Jaebum feels him flex his thighs and hips -- but even before Jinyoung manages to pull back and thrust in for the first proper time, Jaebum shouts as his cock unexpectedly erupts between their tightly tensed stomachs, splattering come everywhere and even as high up as their faces. His cock thrashes panfully between their bodies even without being touched, his own frame racked by violent shudders beneath Jinyoung, who wraps his hands around Jaebum's shoulders and holds him tighter till his orgasm has wrung him out.

Jaebum is panting like a dog as he plummets down from his breathless high, Jinyoung's pelvis squelching against his as he circles Jaebum's cock with a loose hand to milk him through his final spurts. They both look stunned, Jaebum embarrassed and Jinyoung equal parts amused and aroused.

"Did you come from just that?" he asks inanely, still seeming unable to believe it. "I didn't even start moving yet."

Jaebum is so lobster red, he can almost feel steam rising from his ears. He's shocked that he came just from being penetrated too, and hadn't even felt the orgasm building. It's simply unacceptable and disgraceful that he loses to Jinyoung in the area of stamina _in addition to_ dick size. He's relieved for the cover of darkness, for a while so winded he can barely speak, his climax having hit him with the force of a hurricane. "I didn't come as many times as you just now," he mutters defensively, fingers reaching down to graze Jinyoung's balls and feeling perverse gratification in Jinyoung's gasp and the way they tighten urgently.

"Do you mind?" Jinyoung's hips stutter against him, voice breathy and apologetic. "I'm still..."

"Not at all," Jaebum replies so quickly, the last word isn't even out of Jinyoung's mouth. "Will you fuck me properly now?" he grumbles, finally managing to catch his breath.

 

Jinyoung's laughter is balm to his sore ass, thrills every nerve ending of his over-stimulated and in-withdrawal body. Without warning, he finally makes his first real, deep thrust, pulling back out of Jaebum in one smooth motion before plunging back in, with such force that the bedframe lets out a protesting squeak. The power of Jinyoung's thrust knocks the breath out of Jaebum, makes the base of his spine dig painfully into the mattress. As if by magic, his cock springs to life again, straining upward as the head of Jinyoung's cock finally manages to find his most sensitive spot again square on.

Once he starts, it's like Jinyoung becomes possessed, unable to stop. He continues fucking his hips into Jaebum in a quickening rhythm, ramming in as far as he can go and assaulting the same spot repeatedly that wrings hoarse cries from Jaebum's lips over and over again, the bedsprings creaking beneath them like a boat rocking in a stormy sea. The more Jaebum thrashes, the smoother and more fluid Jinyoung's thrusts seem to grow, pinning Jaebum down with his sharp thrusts. Jaebum is hopelessly lost in the throes of the relentless and seemingly endless abuse of his prostate, his hand reaching between them to grab his own dick and furiously rubbing the slit. He's almost weeping, making the most humiliating animal sounds he's ever heard and can't even describe.

Finally, helplessly, he raises his other hand to his mouth and sinks his teeth into his knuckles to stop the horrible noises leaking from his mouth. The pain gives him a slightly sharper edge of clarity from the blinding pleasure, but he is distressed when Jinyoung's hand closes firmly over his, moving it up roughly to pin above his head, his fingers strong on Jaebum's wrist.

"There's no one to hear you tonight." His thrusts don't stop, even seeming to deepen. "Let me hear your voice."

With surprising kindness, he brings Jaebum's hand to grasp his bicep which feels like a piston under Jaebum's fingers as he continues snapping his hips upward, every thrust jolting Jaebum's whole frame and wrenching louder and more ugly groans from his dry and parched throat.

"You asked for this," Jinyoung is panting, voice slurring a little more and so deep Jaebum's stomach twists in knots. "Asked me to fuck you properly."

Jaebum feels light-headed to hear his imminent climax rising to the surface in his shredded voice; the unraveling rhythm of his thrusts. The longer they fuck the smoother Jinyoung seems to slide into him, his cheeks giving easily to the still brick-hard solidity of Jinyoung's dick with token resistance. Jinyoung has finally lost the control Jaebum wanted him to, his thrusts turning frantic and forceful, his cock crashing into Jaebum's walls which collapse willingly around them like buildings being blown up from the inside.

He continues pushing Jinyoung to his limits, experimentally and a little sadistically clamping over him, finding the hypersensitivity of Jinyoung's cock fascinating, the way it fluctuates in temperature and hardness according to the minute adjustments Jaebum makes to the angle of his groin or the spread of his thighs. The inside of Jaebum's own ass is surprisingly sensitive, and he feels almost able to feel every single individual vein and blood vessel standing out on Jinyoung's bursting dick.

Jinyoung is grinding into him so deliberately and thoroughly his dick is like a pestle pounding into a mortar, and Jaebum's ass is gobbling him up more than willingly like one of those carnivorous flowers opening up their flesh-eating petals to swallow body parts whole.

 

Sweat mingled with other fluids is pouring off both their bodies, and with the desperate search for friction the slick, slapping sounds of flesh smacking against flesh grow nearly unbearable, even louder than the obscene creaking and their garbled moans that sound like nothing that could come from human mouths.

"Are you doing -- that -- on purpose?" Jaebum gasps, the last word slammed out of him on the end of a particularly vicious thrust which sends his hands flying over Jinyoung's back and digging into his skin, blunt nails raking down Jinyoung's shoulder blades in a way that draws a hiss from between his gritted teeth.

Jinyoung shakes his head, face inscrutable and still concentrated on wrecking Jaebum's lower body systematically.

"Too -- much lube," he grunts out.

It doesn't seem to pose any difficulty to him filling Jaebum's hole up entirely, the friction still burning even up till now with every slide of Jinyoung's naked penis into Jaebum's naked ass like rubber tires screeching on asphalt, worn down to their metal frames and scraping up sparks.

 

He dimly wonders why he's even surprised that Jinyoung fucks like an animal, when every indication so far has hinted at his sexual prowess. But all the guesses he could have made would never live up to experiencing it firsthand. Jinyoung's pantherlike grace, his leashed power and latent strength has never been so apparent as Jaebum feels it from the inside, Jinyoung moving within and above him and sweeping Jaebum higher with every demanding thrust as they move together towards a common destination. Matching the paces of their bodies the way they have spent the past decade learning to match the paces of their differently-long legs, till they are able to fall into pace with effortless instinct.

It shouldn't surprise him that Jinyoung is a devil between the sheets -- but Jinyoung is so hot like this, insatiable and demanding, fucking Jaebum relentlessly with thrusts almost as precise as a machine; rolling his hips wantonly into Jaebum's like he's determined to impregnate him tonight, the blunt knob of his cock head repeatedly massaging and stimulating a sweet spot so deep and buried that Jaebum never knew he had within himself.

Jaebum struggles and squirms more insistently, trying to find pain amidst the rolling waves of pleasure, seeking that cutting bladelike sensation that is the only thing left keeping him grounded, keeping him from levitating fully off the earth untethered by gravity. Jinyoung hasn't even come yet but he himself is so dangerously close, so near to combusting around him again and shattering to a million pieces. So even though it makes Jinyoung buck into him more savagely, he keep pushing back uncooperatively and defiantly to find the pain that will keep him from screaming in ecstasy.

 

He nearly closes his eyes because Jinyoung is too much to look at, lips parted and mouth slightly rounded in a silent cry of pleasure, saliva almost leaking out like Jaebum's own drying in a trail from the corner of his lips. They've both lost all presence of mind, all care of their image, showing each other their ugliest, basest sides, but Jinyoung still looks like a fucking angel, just as godlike without clothes on as with them, the choker around his neck making him resemble a dominatrix. He looks like desire incarnate, like every book Jaebum has ever read, every movie he has ever watched and every love song he has listened to.

He senses Jinyoung's orgasm wordlessly in the tightness of his balls, the pressure building up in his groin and the gradual growing sloppiness and speed and intensity of his thrusts, like the culmination of a song or movie or book. It feels natural as Jaebum takes the wheel for a moment then, to bring Jinyoung over the final crest by clenching his ass tightly over Jinyoung on the end of a particularly deep thrust.

He feels Jinyoung's breath being squeezed out of him, the beat his heart skips against Jaebum's chest and the way his entire cock stiffens up for a moment before it's finally softening and going molten like liquid lava in Jaebum's ass, his hot come flooding Jaebum's ass as he wanted and Jinyoung continues riding out his wave of orgasm in shallowing thrusts, thrusting with the strength of his hips after his cock softens.

Then Jaebum feels pleasure flooding him too in a wave that knocks him off his feet -- because Jinyoung has closed his hand over Jaebum's poor neglected and swollen-up cock with a careless and incredibly erotic possession, like a stick shift, and started pumping his fist up and down over it with a determination to make Jaebum come at the same time as him that he can do nothing but succumb weakly to.

Unutterable ecstasy floods his soul and he feels like he could touch heaven. They're grinding and grunting and slapping and moaning against each other like primates now, losing their final inhibitions and all synchronicity as they are reduced to mashing their sticky lower bodies against each other to get as close as they can from every angle. But neither of them care, clinging tightly to each other like lifeboats as they drown in this cesspool of sin together.

They come together for the first time that night, Jaebum's thighs quivering like jelly around Jinyoung's hips and his walls pulsing convulsively around Jinyoung's seizing dick. Jinyoung's orgasm is so protracted, his load seeming never-ending as he empties it all into Jaebum that it overflows from his sore and tight ass and oozes out from the sides of Jinyoung's dick, trickling hotly down his pelvis. The wet squelching sounds intensify disgustingly. Their bodies shudder and shake against each other like two leaves caught up in a whirlwind as their orgasms rip through them, Jaebum coming like a geyser too and too many fluids suddenly gushing inside him and out of him. The sensation of relief is so fulfilling, Jaebum nearly passes out.

Jinyoung's head is tipped back, veins in his neck standing out prettily as he arches his body against Jaebum to press their pelvises flush together and eradicate all remaining space, so his hand on Jaebum's dick is squashed painfully tightly between their torsos as Jaebum continues spewing over him unstoppably and Jinyoung's own come overruns below, spilling onto Jaebum's sheets.

Finally, the last aftershock wracks Jinyoung's slender frame and Jaebum is still panting with Jinyoung's limp dick shoved up inside him too like he's just finished a cross-country marathon. Jinyoung sucks a deep rattling breath into his lungs and promptly flops heavily onto him with his chest heaving, his entire weight knocking the air out of Jaebum's lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just 4 short notes...
> 
> \- im sorry if this chapter is disgusting and awkward and weird to read idk how it turned out so hideously cheesy and over-flowery to me like one of those terribad harlequin romances criES i tried??
> 
> \- after a reread i realised that jaebum's underwear magically disappeared suddenly in the middle of the last chapter lmfao oops hopefully no one else noticed it
> 
> \- expect many gratuitous descriptions of jaebums hair up from now on bc he looks sO daddy with his forehead exposed in hard carry pls help trend savegotchicksovaries2016
> 
> \- idk if anyone else is reminded of this song but i often think of love me like you do by ellie goulding while writing this fic! and also zhi shao hai you ni (at least i still have you) by sandy lam this one just reminds me of jjp in general. if you have any song recs that remind you of this fic dont hesitate to lmk in the comments i'd love to check them out! :)


	15. Chapter 15

They lie there, sticky bodies still awkwardly connected and come drying quickly in the slight draft from outside the window, until their breaths slowly even out and Jinyoung pulls out of him, his limp dick sliding wetly out of Jaebum's bruised ass and leaving a chilly absence in its wake. Jaebum whimpers softly and needily but Jinyoung shushes him with a soothing kiss on his sweaty temple and pulls the covers up over his body, to his shoulder with solicitous tenderness.

"Sleep now," he whispers in Jaebum's ear, his deep voice hypnotic as a lullaby.

Jaebum drifts off in sated exhaustion, the last thing he remembers the wonderfully comforting sensation of Jinyoung stroking his hair, over and over, like the fur of a drowsy animal.

The next thing he knows, he's opening his eyes groggily to the soft morning light. A delicious tingle of pain shoots up his body from the base of his spine, the nerve endings below his hips heavy with a lovely lassitude, and memories of the last night flood back to him with face-reddening and smile-eliciting clarity. He feels submerged, almost drowning in bliss; his contentment complete when he only has to turn around, only has to take a single breath to see Jinyoung supine next to him, his lips sweetly parted and face achingly boyish in tired slumber.

They're both still entirely naked and Jaebum should logically feel fucked out for the next two weeks from how many times and how violently they came the night before, but it only takes one glance at the artistic planes of Jinyoung's underwear-model body; one breathless and air-light skimming of his fingertips over his toasty skin and Jaebum's dick is a quarter hard with a flickering of interest again.

 

He shifts his eyes to the sky outside the translucent curtains, not bearing to wake Jinyoung up when he exhausted himself out the night before doing his best to please Jaebum. The sky beyond the window is the bruised colour of lilacs, lightening by gradiated shades. It's so beautiful Jaebum wants to wake Jinyoung up to see this vista he knows Jinyoung will love seeing. It's unthinkable that they have never once watched the sun rise together in all these years.

He lingers a few more minutes, lets the heartbeats stretch on reluctantly because he just wants to freeze-frame this moment with the viewfinder of eternity -- Jinyoung safe and warm and comfy snuggled in his arms, expression utterly carefree and blissful lost in dreamland. In this bed, at this moment -- no one can hurt them and nothing matters except their togetherness, the temperature of their shared body heat and the warmth of the slept-in, loved-in sheets.

Finally, he brings himself to nudge Jinyoung gently awake to catch the last few seconds of the sunrise just before it slips away. Stirring awake sleepy and vulnerable, Jinyoung is even more adorable in his somnambulent state. All Jaebum wants is to protect him. He aches fiercely; his protective instinct for the dongsaeng he has the softest spot for stirring up with twice the usual intensity even though Jinyoung had demonstrated the extent of his strength and dominance on him just last night. No matter how much or how many times Jaebum allows Jinyoung to dominate him, it will never change the fact that Jinyoung will always be the younger and more fragile and in need of protection to him.

It's amazing how much closer he feels to Jinyoung now, just from the physical bonding of their bodies. He feels like they've engaged in the most intimate act two people can, and connected not only on a superficial but also a spiritual level. Finally, he feels like they are truly in sync, their hearts beating as one and their thoughts aligning.

 

He is taken by the way Jinyoung stretches awake, startlingly and breathtakingly catlike. Jaebum doesn't even have a kitty kink or anything close but some of Jinyoung's mannerisms are more similar to a cat's than a cat itself. His feral smile makes Jaebum want to domesticate him and his mischievous tongue slipping out of his mouth to wet his chapped lips looks almost ready to lick his own body all over in a bath.

"G'morning, hyung," Jinyoung murmurs with a shy blush, fluttering his eyelashes, and Jaebum swears... He swears Jinyoung is going to singlehandedly give him a hyung kink if this goes on. He has heard Jinyoung's morning voice many times before, but he's never heard Jinyoung's _post-coital_ morning voice. It's devastatingly husky.

And there's just something about the way Jinyoung says the word Hyung... that is different from anyone else. The trust he conveys in one word, the respect and deference... Jaebum can only hope that Jinyoung only calls _him_ hyung this subservient and adoringly soft way.

There's a blinding smile on Jinyoung's face and pillow creases on his cheeks, the pattern of Jaebum's pillow imprinted there. It's the most outrageously adorable and intimate thing Jaebum has ever seen, his possession and claim tattooed on Jinyoung's unblemished skin. The long bangs he usually styles into a dapper lock falling over his forehead are now mussed up and tousled hopelessly, falling into his drowsily hooded and dark eyes. It makes him look impossibly young and cozy.

 

"Good morning, aegi," Jaebum replies smoothly, not letting any of his thoughts show in his calm tone. He is satisfied to see the desired effect of his address which he has only used on his daughter before in the delighted shudder that ripples through Jinyoung's shoulders.

Jinyoung blushes, hides behind his eyelashes again. He seems to have reverted back to his usual meekness, dropping the domineering and aggressive side he had revealed the night before. If Jaebum can't still feel the effects in his own body, every movement of his limbs, he wouldn't believe it wasn't a dream.

"I like it when you call me that," Jinyoung murmurs bashfully, his voice nearly a purr. It's enough to make Jaebum lose control and reach out for him with both arms, but Jinyoung gently but firmly rejects his embrace, instead nimbly taking Jaebum's shoulders and flipping him around so Jaebum's back settles against the front of his body.

It's the first time Jaebum has been anyone's little spoon and he enjoys the position surprisingly more than he would have expected. Jinyoung's heartbeat is slightly quickened but calmingly even against his shoulder blade, fingers trailing delicately down the knobs of his spine to rest protectively on his hip, just above his ass.

"Does it still hurt?" Jinyoung's voice is so tender Jaebum wishes he could see his expression, but Jinyoung's arms tighten around him when he tries to turn.

He shakes his head in reply, words stuck in his throat. Jinyoung doesn't seem to believe him, only holding him with increased gentility.

Jaebum wants to assert that he likes being manhandled by Jinyoung, had enjoyed every bit of the slightly rough sex the night before. But he's too shy and proud to say so, afraid Jinyoung will laugh at him or tease him.

 

He lets Jinyoung encircle and envelop him completely in his strong arms and encompassing embrace for a few more lazy, languid moments, before squirming to turn to face him and rolling Jinyoung onto his back with one swift, naughty motion.

Jinyoung winces, taken by surprise, and Jaebum instantly feels worried, shifting his weight off Jinyoung and gingerly turning him onto his side to lean over him and check his back.

He grimaces at the angry red scratches left by his fingernails in the throes of delirious passion the night before, some of them even dotted with dried blood.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," he mutters, guilt-stricken, but Jinyoung quickly shakes his head reassuringly, hands coming up around Jaebum's arms to tug him forgivingly down again.

"No, hyung, I'm totally fine! Really, it doesn't hurt at all." He flexes his back muscles to prove it, successfully distracting Jaebum.

When Jaebum remains contritely silent, Jinyoung continues earnestly, "I actually... liked it when you did that. I liked that you felt me so deep inside... you lost control."

He flushes blotchily again at his confession, looking embarrassed. Now Jaebum is moved, and blushing too.

"I'll be more careful next time," he promises, subdued, and Jinyoung just flashes a toothy smile, leans over and kisses his temple carefully.

"No need to be careful with me, Jaebum hyung. I'm not a glass vase; I won't shatter." His voice is filled with warm amusement.

 

Jaebum expresses the love flooding through him like light pouring through the stained glass windows of a church by tracing a slow and meaningful love line with his lips down Jinyoung's skin, from the shell of his ear down his graceful neck towards the juncture where his collarbones meet his shoulder.

After a while, he becomes aware of a dampness warming his bare skin, and looks up, surprised.

"Hey, crybaby," he teases gently as he stops his cartographer's explorations, brow creasing in concern. He brushes away the tears beneath Jinyoung's eyes with a thumb. "What's wrong?"

It moves him beyond measure that Jinyoung has cried thrice in the recent months, and all occasions were because of him; when usually he's the one being jokingly called this affectionate nickname by Jinyoung when his eyes water emotionally, being the one to lean on Jinyoung's shoulder and blow his nose into his comfortingly scented handkerchief.

Jinyoung sniffles and tries to compose himself. He takes Jaebum's hand and playfully uses it to wipe his eyes dry, then smiles shakily.

"Sorry for being so weepy and emotional lately... about us," he mutters, face tinged red and eyes still misty and dewy. "You know I don't usually shed tears so easily. I just..." He stops and takes a deep breath, looks up at Jaebum through wet and clumped together lashes.

"I wake up every morning... and I still can't believe that I dared to dream you would love me. That I dared to love you."

His wobbly smile deepens, eyes bright and voice hushed. "That you love me back."

 

"Believe it," Jaebum immediately answers, his voice authoritative and slightly rough because Jinyoung's words have struck a nerve. "Because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life."

It's the first time they've mentioned love, the actual words _I love you_. It's awkward and corny but flows from Jaebum's lips as naturally as breathing.

Jinyoung blinks, and sounds breathless when he speaks again, cheeks an adorable fuchsia. "How did you know I've always wanted someone to say that exact line to me? I know it's cheesy and cliche, but..." He trails off uncertainly.

"Because I know you better than anyone else. And I always will." Jaebum leans forward to punctuate this statement with a kiss stamped on Jinyoung's lips, suddenly needing to assert this fact. "Never forget that."

Jinyoung's eyes are wide, dazed, his expression stripped and heart scrawled across his face.

"I won't," he says, voice as quiet and eyes as serious as Jaebum's, but his lips curving up with unfiltered happiness.

 

Although he'll never say it, deep down, Jaebum knows exactly how Jinyoung feels. Every morning since the start of this relationship, he has woken up for that first moment of the day between dreams and consciousness when he's awake enough to remember that he has a joyful and miraculous secret, but it hasn't bubbled to the surface of his mind yet.

And then he remembers -- and that heartbeat floods him with the most exquisite joy; the knowledge that his secret is Jinyoung. Is being madly and deeply and head over heels in love with the most beautiful man on Earth, Park Jinyoung.

It still continues to astonish him every day with how strong it is, this love; how something so tenuous and ephemeral could feel so enduring.

"How long will mom and dad's honeymoon phase continue?" The three cheeky maknaes had complained in jest just yesterday, groaning at Jaebum and Jinyoung's subtle but unignorable public displays of affection.

He was reluctant to answer them that he has a hunch it will go on for a long, long time to come.

 

They don't stop cuddling, enjoying each other's quiet warmth and relaxed bodies, but each are lost in their own thoughts for a few minutes.

When Jaebum half-seriously offers a penny for Jinyoung's thoughts, Jinyoung smiles his pensive smile again and replies with serious earnestness: "I was just thinking how... for the past ten years, even on the darkest days, your presence filled my life with light." He catches himself, stopping and turning pink. "I'm sorry. It's sappy, isn't it?"

Jaebum shakes his head, voice momentarily lost. He clears his throat, speaks softly. "Go on."

Jinyoung quirks his lips in embarrassment, but accedes. "And then... I got greedy. It wasn't enough just being friends anymore. I wanted you for myself."

He finishes, seeming too shy to continue voicing his inner ruminations. "That's all I was thinking," he says softly.

His hopeful, glimmering eyes makes Jaebum think he should be a little more honest himself, not hold back as much as Jinyoung is exposing his vulnerable sides to him.

"I got lucky," he says quietly, meeting Jinyoung's eyes and holding on. "To be loved by someone... who shines so brightly no matter where or when, from the first moment he wakes up in the morning."

He cringes when he hears the cheesiness of his own words, but the pleasure that illuminates Jinyoung's face and lights up his entire countenance is worth everything.

 

"Why do you like me?" Jinyoung asks thoughtfully, surprising him. When Jaebum looks sharply at him, Jinyoung ducks his head into his chest. "I don't know... I know it's irrational, but I guess sometimes I still feel like you just accepted my feelings out of the kindness of your heart."

Jinyoung's soft confession makes Jaebum's chest clench up. He never knew Jinyoung still felt unsure of his feelings, still doubted himself and his grasp over Jaebum's heart. It pains him to hear the questioning note in Jinyoung's voice and all he wants is to reassure Jinyoung with solid and clear words, to spell his feelings out once and for all so he will never be attacked by doubt again.

"There are so many things I _love_ about you," he says seriously, seeing the intensity of his eyes reflected in Jinyoung's clear, open ones as he closes firm fingers over Jinyoung's shoulders to drive in his point.

"But I guess one of the most important reasons why I love you... is that I didn't have to change for you. It sounds selfish... but I know you understand. I've never cared for anyone enough to be willing to change myself for them. If they couldn't get used to the way I was, I always thought it was their loss. Easy come, easy go." He finishes the last four words with the expression in English.

His words sound callous and cold-hearted, but Jaebum knows Jinyoung gets what he means. He had split up with most of his previous girlfriends because of irreconcilable differences in their personalities -- inadvertently, the girls would demand Jaebum to change some aspect of his character for them to prove the depth of his love, such as in Seungah's case, wanting him to spend less time with Jinyoung, and he would refuse pointblank. He didn't like girls trying to test him, to mold him into something he felt he wasn't. He resisted their attempts of what he saw as wanting to tie him down, feeling stifled and suffocated. That would in turn cause a rift in his relationship because they saw it as him not seeing them as important enough to alter himself to make them happy. And he couldn't refute the accusation, because it was true.

Which naturally, led to almost certain break-ups. Understandably, which girl would like knowing their boyfriend didn't value them enough to change himself to suit their tastes and ideal type?

 

So Jaebum realises that it's true that one of the things he loves most about his relationship with Jinyoung is that he gets to keep his autonomy and has the freedom to be himself. Maybe it's because of their long friendship history before they started dating, maybe because they're both guys, or because Jinyoung fell in love with him as he was, long before Jaebum knew or started being aware or self-conscious of his image in front of Jinyoung -- but he has never felt any expectations or demands Jinyoung has towards him to change his natural actions, feelings and thoughts.

"But hyung," Jinyoung interrupts gently, eyes shining as he sweetly corrects Jaebum, "You _have_ changed the most for me. Don't you see? You changed everything you believed about yourself to be with me."

Jaebum is silenced by the truth in Jinyoung's words. It's only when Jinyoung points it out that Jaebum realises how much he has, unnoticeably and unconsciously, altered himself for Jinyoung, as naturally and uncomplaining as taking his next breath.

Jinyoung smiles at him, gratitude spelled out silently in his eyes. "Would you do that for any other person?" His question is as much searching as it is rhetorical, and when Jaebum gives him his answer, Jinyoung smiles in contentment.

"I feel special," Jinyoung says, smiling serenely and taking Jaebum's hand. He weaves their fingers together. "And that's why _I_ love you, if you were wondering. You make me feel special."

"That's because you _are_ special," Jaebum replies gruffly but unequivocably. locking their fingers together more securely. Jinyoung smiles, caresses the back of Jaebum's hand and his knuckles with his thumb. "There's no one else like you in the whole world. There's no one else for me except you, Jinyoungie."

 

"It's been hard on you," he blurts out after they lapse into another few seconds of tranquil silence.

When Jinyoung gazes at him searchingly, he clarifies, "Loving me."

Jinyoung quickly shakes his head, eyes firm. "No, it was always the most fulfilling thing. It never felt like work, at all. Not for one moment." His eyes beseech Jaebum to believe him, so Jaebum obligingly rests his case.

It's nice, this mellow and meandering pillow talk. Jaebum likes this, talking to Jinyoung peacefully about their past and present. But most of all, he enjoys discussing their future together.

 

Jinyoung shifts, the covers sliding further off his back, revealing the dip of his spine, the later morning sun dappling his pearly caramel skin. The awareness of the time that has passed brings Jaebum rudely back to reality, and he realises with reluctance that the other boys will be returning home soon and shattering the languid and sweet morning-after bliss with their boisterous and rowdy clatter.

"I have to go check on Dabin," he groans unwillingly, forcing himself to let go of Jinyoung's supple and perfect-for-cuddling body to pull back a little and try to snap himself out of his daze.

Jinyoung looks downcast too at the prospect of leaving their nest of covers and Jaebum's bed. "I guess I'd better go back to my room before they get back too or I'll have to do the walk of shame," he quips wryly.

"No, you can stay here!" Jaebum immediately says, heart tugging at Jinyoung having to endure the humiliation and potential teasing, or worse, being seen in this rumpled and post-coital state by any other person. "I'll go to Dabin's room and pretend I slept there last night. You can say you were so drunk you mistook my room for yours."

Jinyoung laughs with exasperated incredulousness at his brilliant idea. "If anything, you should be the one staying in bed, hyung. I went pretty rough on you last night." Jaebum thinks he sees a leer in Jinyoung's eyes, and promptly flushes hotly.

"You overestimate yourself," he snaps to cover up his embarrassment, scoffing. "I'm not a weak girl."

"You sure you don't need crutches?" Jinyoung teases gently, just a hint of genuine concern in his deep voice.

"Fuck you," Jaebum retorts irritably, with no patience for his nonsense. "It'll take more than you to cripple me, Park Jinyoung." He adds a fabulous hair flip for good measure.

Jinyoung just laughs good-naturedly, spreading his legs with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

"Anytime," he says in an inviting voice that makes Jaebum feel grossly violated.

 

"But seriously," Jinyoung presses, eyes losing a little of their laughter. He places a solicitous hand on Jaebum's ass, through the covers. "I know you're still sore. You're not allowed to do any manual labour or heavy lifting today. If you have to, call me. And don't argue." He places a finger on Jaebum's lips, his authoritative voice, stern eyes and gallantry unbelievably masculine and hot.

"I'm not an invalid," Jaebum huffs, but doesn't argue, and his skin secretly tingles at the low appreciative chuckle that rumbles from Jinyoung's throat.

 

Still, they linger as the clock ticks dangerously closer, clinging to each other with no inclination to let go. Jaebum already misses Jinyoung even before he's gone.

"Ugh." Jaebum presses his hands against his eyes, buries his face in Jinyoung's shoulder as Jinyoung rubs comfortable wide circles into his back to ease the pain he thinks Jaebum is in.

"Hmm?"

"I feel so damn guilty," Jaebum confesses in a small voice. "We should have waited until Dabin is in boarding school... to consummate our relationship."

Jinyoung laughs at his old-fashioned choice of words and thinking.

"Your dick would be saggy by that time, hyung. But don't worry, I'll still love you." He directs a greasy wink at a scandalized and censorious Jaebum.

 

Jaebum groans and shakes his head, pretending to push Jinyoung's clingy arms away halfheartedly. Of course he just has to go and ruin their romantic moment with a crass and tasteless remark.

"Do you always have to make my life so hard?" he sighs weary and long-suffering.

Jinyoung muffles a cheeky giggle, then rolls Jaebum over onto his back gently without warning. Breathing shallowly above Jaebum and wrestling him underneath, Jinyoung is like a baby cub playfighting. He's irresistible and he knows it. Jaebum blushes furiously and refuses to look at him.

Jinyoung isn't daunted, leaning down to nip at the sensitive side of Jaebum's neck with his razorlike teeth. "Is that the only thing of yours I make hard?" he challenges in a lecherous drawl, knee nudging Jaebum's groin outrageously. Jaebum fumes, glaring up at him, the way he looks so goddamn stunning in that ridiculous choker pissing him off suddenly; the way Jinyoung is of course good in fucking like the way he excels in everything. He never knew that too much perfection in one person could be annoying.

 

Jaebum loves him, his feisty little minx. He loves Jinyoung so much it's suddenly hard to breathe.

"Why are you such an insufferable brat?" he demands flippantly instead, affecting indignity.

Jinyoung smiles his wicked smile, that lopsided smirk that makes his faint dimples flash fleetingly.

"I'm a brat," he agrees without contest. "But I'm _your_ brat. Right?" He makes a flirtatious kissy face at Jaebum, almond eyes twinkling.

Jaebum just shakes his head speechlessly, because he can't find an argument to counter that. Of course, Jinyoung is right. He's a handful, but he's Jaebum's handful. And Jaebum wouldn't give him away to anyone else if they offered him the moon or a nation.

 

When he doesn't reply, Jinyoung seems to think he's really irritated with him, and whines slightly in a more entreating tone, sounding worried he's crossed the line: "Jaebummie hyung... you know I only fuck with you to get your attention, right?"

Jaebum nods impenetrably, not letting his emotions show on his blank face. Actually, he didn't.

But maybe he did. Although it may not seem so on the outside, Jaebum knows that his and Jinyoung's dynamic is a lot like Mark and Jackson's -- trolling and dissing each other to express their affection; sassing each other mercilessly in an endless and childish tug-of-war to get the upper hand, never tiring of pushing at each other's boundaries to see how far they can take the stakes. It's juvenile, but deep down inside all of them are still overgrown boys who love nothing more than driving one another nuts.

Jinyoung melts into a smile when Jaebum places a relenting hand on his cheek and caresses it lightly, enjoying the way his hand looks against Jinyoung's skin, how big it is on Jinyoung's small face. Jinyoung leans into his touch, hums contentedly under his breath.

"Actually, hyung... I know you asked me to fuck you not so much because you wanted it, but because you can't bear to hurt me," Jinyoung whispers, his eyes surprisingly honest and bare without the shield of his bravado and sarcasm.

Jaebum is taken aback. So he was this transparent? He swallows, before hedging, "Well... that's not entirely true. I wanted it too."

"I could see that." Jinyoung smirks, bratty grin back in full force. Jaebum sputters as he purrs lazily and reminiscingly, "You were a pretty good lay. I might have to rescind what I said about wanting to be the bottom."

"Don't you dare," Jaebum growls so ferociously that Jinyoung laughs himself breathless and mocks, "Ooh, scary."

 

"I'm going to punch you," Jaebum rages implacably, grabbing for Jinyoung who dodges his clumsy tackles with agility.

"Sure," Jinyoung coos. "Do it with your dick."

He did not just say that.

He only forgives Jinyoung with much reluctance when he kisses the pout off Jaebum's lips with his own sensual ones, both of them forgetting the mutual jibes for a moment to uncharacteristically kindly not comment on each other's morning breath.

Jinyoung's eyes are now tender, serious in a way that makes Jaebum kind of wish he'd go back to the merciless taunting as he studies Jaebum closely with uncomfortable intensity.

"Don't do that," Jaebum mutters pleadingly, avoiding Jinyoung's intent and searching eyes. It comes out as a pathetic squeak, and he sees pity soften Jinyoung's gaze before he thankfully stops staring at Jaebum and leans down to pepper soft adoring kisses on his face again, brushing his lips over the two moles on Jaebum's left eyelid.

"God, you have no idea how long I've been dying to do that," he breathes, closing his eyes in satisfaction as he pulls away a little.

Jaebum is equal parts surprised and embarrassed. He hadn't known Jinyoung had been observing his face closely enough to notice even his beauty marks.

"Of course I did," Jinyoung counters immediately, and Jaebum realises he has thought aloud again. "They're the most beautiful part of your face to me." He reddens then, abruptly shy. It's disquietingly endearing.

"But why? They're blemishes. Imperfections." His moles have never bothered Jaebum, but he also never thought they would appear attractive to anybody.

Jinyoung's eyes widen. "They aren't at all, hyung. But if you see it that way... I guess it's because your imperfections make you seem more human. Less intimidatingly flawless. They make you seem... attainable."

The old quiet longing is back in Jinyoung's eyes, the faraway look Jaebum now recognizes for what it is. He wonders when Jinyoung will stop placing him on a pedestal, but part of him also, selfishly and illogically, wants to always appear so lofty in Jinyoung's worshipful eyes. He enjoys being idolized by Jinyoung, although he knows that idolatry isn't something a balanced relationship should be established on. But it's the only thing that feeds his insecurity, his need for Jinyoung's clamouring and attention.

 

The truth is, despite all his faked grouchiness and grumbling, Jinyoung is the only one Jaebum wants to banter with, wholeheartedly enjoys bickering with. The only person in the world who can make Jaebum belly laugh, who makes Jaebum want to torment him like a hellish older brother.

His Jirongie. Jaebum fights the urge to keep him in his pocket, hide his overflowing cuteness from the rest of the world in case someone comes along and steals his most prized possession, who has come to mean more than life itself to him, away from Jaebum.

 

He runs a hand through his hair, deliberately making his eyes smoulder, watching Jinyoung follow his movements with rapt and quietly hungry eyes, knowing he finds Jaebum hot when he's frustrated.

"You're such a good boy, baby." He lets his voice drop low. "But you're only a good little boy for Daddy, right? Promise that no matter who else you meet from now on, you'll only be good for Daddy."

It's only as he grits the words out that he realises how much he needs to hear Jinyoung's answer, his reassurance that he will only obey and succumb to Jaebum and no other man. His wildcat Jinyoungie, his little stunner. He makes Jaebum feel so goddamn insecure it feels like the ground might be pulled out from beneath his feet any moment.

Jinyoung's eyes widen at his unexpected and sudden return to the kink, whining a little at Jaebum's foul play.

But eventually he nods reluctantly, giving his word. "But," he says, corners of his lips curling up smugly, and Jaebum's heart skips. "On one condition."

Jinyoung goes on, voice silky. "You can't let any of the other boys call you Daddy."

 

Jaebum almost snorts in surprise at the straight face with which Jinyoung states his condition. He's adorably serious about this, and Jaebum is flattered by Jinyoung's possession.

"Sure," he replies, affecting casualness. "Then you can't let them call you Mommy either."

He regrets his words the moment they are out of his mouth and Jinyoung's sharp, shrewd smile is glinting at him, eyes laughing heartily although his mouth isn't.

He strokes Jaebum's cheek with a mercenary finger that makes him shudder, studying Jaebum's face with interest.

"Do you have another secret kink I should know about, Jaebum hyung?" His voice is poisonously sweet, smile simpering.

Jaebum stares at him, horrified and appalled by the suggestion.

"W-what the fuck, no!" he moans unconvincingly, kicking himself inside.

"You sure?" Jinyoung's voice is sugar as in a flash, he shocks Jaebum by reaching down and wrapping an unexpected hand over his cock, which jumps and hardens in his fingers like a well-trained dog.

"Y-you're cheating..." Jaebum whimpers, clawing at the sheets breathlessly and trying to squirm out of Jinyoung's vise grip.

"Hmmm..." Jinyoung only uncaringly kneads his erection harder.

"You -- pervert --" Jaebum chokes out, finally writhing out of Jinyoung's grip -- but not before he comes in a pathetically short time, waves of bliss rolling over his sticky and come-splashed lower body and making it hard for him to talk.

Jinyoung calmly lifts his fingers to his lips and proceeds to suck Jaebum's come off noisily. Jaebum wants to put his hands over his burning ears, wants to grab Jinyoung's cock to find out if he is equally turned on but remains pitifully frozen.

"You're the perverted grandpa here." Jinyoung is positively crooning, showing Jaebum his own thick come smeared generously over his index finger, a droplet gathering heavily and plopping off, before putting it into his mouth and sucking loudly while holding Jaebum's eyes all the while. "I couldn't even come close if I tried."

Jinyoung reaches down into the sheets and lazily begins jerking himself off, eyes still not leaving Jaebum's. He continues shamelessly wearing that saintly smile on his self-satisfied lips.

"F-fuck my life," Jaebum choke-gasps, close to breakdown.


	16. Chapter 16

Despite his anguish, Jaebum's heart isn't immune, still every bit as affected by the fascinating and erotic tightening of Jinyoung's features, the changes his expression goes through as he gets himself off as quietly as possible. Jaebum's wide eyes flicker up and down, not knowing where to look and being torn in both directions from Jinyoung's orgasmic face and the flurry of frantic and desperate motion under his sheets, swiftly followed within mere seconds by the shuddering that wracks Jinyoung's body, so violent it makes his bed shake a little. Jinyoung seems to be feeling the effect of their numerous orgasms since the last night too, looking drained and pale. Jaebum's heart softens at Jinyoung looking so softly tired and fucked out, lashes fluttering in blissful exhaustion.

But his warm feelings quickly ebb away when Jinyoung doesn't seem worn out enough to lose his cheekiness, flashing him an undimmed and infuriating grin.

"I must say, though..." His voice gravelly and scraped raw like sandpaper, syllables loosely slurred. "Fucking you... is almost as fun as fucking with you. _Almost_." He boldly shifts closer, eyes falling pointedly to Jaebum's lips and growing sexily half-lidded.

Jaebum shudders, feeling absurdly violated by Jinyoung's eyes even though he isn't even touching him. He grits his teeth to keep himself from spontaneously combusting. "You're hopeless."

Jinyoung laughs, deep and warm, and seems to take pity on him, relenting.

"Alright, alright, I'll stop teasing you, hyung. I'm sorry; you're just so much fun to tease."

Jaebum huffs, not dignifying that with a response.

Jinyoung chuckles discreetly, before giving up and erupting into giggles that spill from his lips like the sweet sound of water. Before long, he's lost all restraint and is rolling around Jaebum's bed clutching his sides and gasping that he has a stitch.

"I'm glad you're having so much fun at my expense," Jaebum growls low, pouncing on him without warning and taking advantage of the element of surprise to catch Jinyoung off guard and pinion him breathlessly down and finally motionless.

Jinyoung looks up at him with round, innocent eyes slowly losing the glaze of mirth and beginning to look nervous, hypnotized by Jaebum's own. It's immensely flattering to know Jinyoung isn't completely unaffected by him.

Boldly, Jaebum leans down to lick the still slightly scrunched up corners of Jinyoung's eyes, the faint laughter lines fanning out.

Jinyoung squirms, surprised but not disgusted. "Why are you licking my face?" he hiccups, voice breathy with amusement.

Jaebum catches his breath. "Your eye crinkles remind me of Ruffles."

"..."

"I love Ruffles."

"I know you do." Jinyoung is vibrating with laughter and pleasure again, making Jaebum's body warm with pride. It's his favourite brand of potato chips, while Jinyoung's choice of comfort food is Lays. "Are you hungry?" Jinyoung whispers.

Jaebum considers it for the first time, food so far from his mind since the night before that it takes him a moment to realise that he is in fact, starving. Anal sex is a remarkably energy-consuming activity.

Jinyoung hums. "Me too. I could eat a cow."

"We should get out of bed," Jaebum reiterates the obvious, and Jinyoung nods, but they continue procrastinating for a few heartbeats more.

 

Finally, Jinyoung heaves himself into a sitting position with an effortful grunt, making the bed dip. Jaebum tries to sit up too from the deep indentation both their bodies have made in the nest of covers and sweaty sheets that look like the aftermath of a hurricane, twisted around their ankles, but Jinyoung pushes him down with a gentle hand on his chest.

"I need to check on Dabinnie," Jaebum protests feebly, but Jinyoung smiles reassuringly.

"I know, baby. I'll go."

It's the first time Jinyoung has called him by the English endearment, and it successfully distracts Jaebum for one second before he mumbles even more halfheartedly, "I better go myself. We turned off the baby cam all night; I'm worried."

"I'll go straight to her nursery right now, hyung. Don't worry." Jinyoung's voice is soft as he strokes Jaebum's matted hair back from his forehead. "I don't want you walking around the house. You look a sight." His eyes comb down Jaebum's body, and Jaebum shivers at the way they rake his bare skin.

"All right." He closes his eyes, relaxing and glad to let Jinyoung take charge. He feels Jinyoung's smile in the caress of his cheek, sees it behind his eyelids and smiles back, eyes still closed. "Come back quickly." His voice is hoarse, almost inaudible.

"I will." He feels Jinyoung's lips soft and dry on his forehead, and the bed dips again, the absence of Jinyoung's heavy warmth against his side instantly making him feel cold despite the blanket Jinyoung pulls up to his shoulders.

 

Drifting into a half-conscious doze while waiting for Jinyoung to return, he feels relieved Jinyoung had offered to go on his behalf. He has a feeling he probably looks as debauched and destroyed as he feels, and doesn't feel ready to see his daughter in this state, always wanting to look his most fatherly in front of her. And although he had sassily refuted Jinyoung, he actually feels alarmingly physically depleted by the intense night, having exerted himself much more than even the first night he lost his virginity, which now seems ludicrously tame compared to the previous one.

He had thought sex between two males would be awkward. He had no idea how... adventurous and enjoyable it could be.

He feels like he's experiencing a post-sex hangover now, hitting him the hardest after a delay, without the distraction of Jinyoung's presence to keep the chains of exertion at bay. From last night till even this morning, at pretty regular intervals, even before Jaebum could recover from his previous one, Jinyoung had repeatedly wrung orgasms out of him. Jaebum never knew he could come so many times in succession, has never pushed his body so far in his life. He feels like he has reached his very limits.

His pride and ego hadn't allowed him to admit it -- but Jinyoung _had_ fucked him boneless and sapped, to the point of collapse. Now, Jaebum feels all his muscles aching at once, even those in parts of his body he didn't know he had, as if he just did an intensive full-body workout.

 

Still, the only way he can describe how he's feeling now is _blissed out_. It's still undeniably, by far the best morning of his life. He doesn't want it to ever end, wishes he could push a button and stop time, just lazily lying in with Jinyoung on an ordinary Saturday morning, forgetting the outside world and its demands on them just for a second. There aren't many moments in life with all their conditions perfect enough for a time freeze to be a flawless wish -- but this is one of them, a pure, unblemished gem of a fraction of time. Jaebum keeps his eyes closed and his ears open, and deliberately lets the seconds slow to the consistency of molasses as he waits with his ears pricked for Jinyoung's returning footsteps and the soft swish of his doorknob turning, counting every heartbeat.

He counts to exactly fifteen before he hears Jinyoung's soft footsteps padding across his floor, and smiles. Opens his eyes to look up at Jinyoung, haloed by the soft morning light streaming in around his silhouette. Looking for all the world like he just descended from the clouds.

"Is she okay?"

"Good as gold. Still sleeping like an angel."

Jaebum heaves an audible sigh of relief, his body sagging. Jinyoung smiles back, reaching out for him. Jaebum nuzzles his cheek shamelessly into Jinyoung's big palm. He had heard Jinyoung struggling clumsily into his jeans and shirt earlier before he left the room but now sees with disappointment that he has changed into fresh and more comfortable home wear, baggy sweatpants with drawstrings and an oversized hoodie. He also ran a comb through his hair and it looks glossy and slicked back now, no longer tousled.

He's holding another of his worn, washed hoodies in one hand, and drapes it over Jaebum's chest as he climbs back into bed and into Jaebum's outstretched arms.

"Put it on," he whispers. "You'll catch a cold."

Jaebum's breath hitches in his throat. "I... have my own clothes right here though. Why did you bring yours?"

Jinyoung's arms tighten around his back, his lips mouthing along Jaebum's neck.

"I just wanted to see you in it. Isn't that reason enough?"

It is. Jaebum obediently lets Jinyoung help him up with his torso supporting Jaebum's back and Jaebum's head leaning against his shoulders as Jinyoung pulls the feather-soft hoodie over Jaebum's shoulders with as much gentleness as when he dresses Dabin.

 

They lie back down again with a combined sigh, staring up at Jaebum's ceiling and basking in their protracted afterglow some more. Jaebum fits himself into the hollow of Jinyoung's side, head pillowed on Jinyoung's bicep, the weight of Jinyoung's arm draped over his chest comfortably heavy. He has the aching feeling that his bed will permanently seem too big and empty without Jinyoung sharing it from now on.

Jinyoung hugs him like Jaebum is his personal human bolster or body pillow, even throwing a leg over Jaebum's lower half sloppily. Jinyoung's sweatpants feel like eiderdown against his sensitive bare skin, his body like an oversized hot water bottle emanating and radiating fragrance and warmth.

Jaebum just wants to lie here for ten more hours, but he reluctantly blinks open his eyes groggily and focuses on Jinyoung's face.

"What time is it? They'll be home any minute."

Jinyoung smiles dotingly, brushing Jaebum's hair out of his eyes again.

"Don't worry, we can snooze awhile more. I took care of everything."

Jaebum's eyes widen in wonder. "How?"

Jinyoung looks reluctant to tell him, but eventually confesses, "I bribed Jackson to keep the kids out for an hour more for a hundred bucks."

"A hundred bucks?!" Jaebum gasps.

Jinyoung shrugs carelessly, looking remorseless. "Well, I won fifty off him playing Wii, so technically half is actually his. For the rest... I guess I'll have to dip into my savings." He gives Jaebum an affectionate half-smirk.

"You don't have the money to spare. I'll pay it," Jaebum lectures sternly, snuggling closer, his heart aching at how Jinyoung had literally paid in gold to buy them -- him -- extra time to recover.

Jinyoung shakes his head vigorously. "Let me take care of it, hyung," he says again, voice hypnotically calm and relaxing. "Let me take care of _you_."

The authority in Jinyoung's firm voice makes Jaebum want to succumb. So he does, biting back the argumentative words on his tongue and is rewarded by Jinyoung's smile pressed against the curve of his neck. _Good boy_.

"Just relax and get some rest for now," Jinyoung whispers into his ear, voice sweeter than a lullaby. He starts rubbing cautious concentric circles into Jaebum's lower back, loosening the pleasure there.

"It really doesn't hurt," Jaebum repeats, wanting to ease Jinyoung's obvious fretting.

"Oh, believe me, hyung," Jinyoung chuckles in reply, low. "The pain will hit later."

 

Jaebum raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn't question, assuming Jinyoung knows this from his... fingering experience. He realises that he trusts Jinyoung completely, no longer feels the necessity to question or interrogate him about anything that had stemmed out of insecurity and unconfidence in himself.

So Jinyoung doesn't explain how he knows, and Jaebum doesn't ask. Jinyoung's smile widens wordlessly and his hand doesn't stop on Jaebum's back. Jaebum knows Jinyoung wants him to shut his eyes but he doesn't, reluctant to miss the opportunity to gaze at Jinyoung from such close proximity even for one moment. Jinyoung is desperately beautiful in high definition. Jaebum can't believe how _at home_ he looks, stretched out loosely across Jaebum's bed, arms flung carelessly wide. He wants to lock the door and hold Jinyoung captive here forever, shackled to his bed. He would feed Jinyoung personally. Clothing would be unnecessary.

"Whatcha thinking?" Jinyoung murmurs, tracing a finger down the slope of his nose, and Jaebum coughs guiltily.

"Ah, just..." His eyes alight on Jinyoung's stubble, his faint and preposterously sexy five o'clock shadow that alters the boyishness of his looks drastically.

"I'm glad you didn't shave yet," he murmurs back shyly, letting his own fingers venture boldly up to caress the scratchy prickle on Jinyoung's jaw.

Jinyoung colours and breathes a giddy laugh. "Why?" His voice is pleased.

"You look manly," Jaebum answers honestly.

Jinyoung looks like he's won the lottery. "As manly as you?" he demands breathlessly.

Jaebum considers this. "Nope." He finally shakes his head decisively, inwardly enjoying the way Jinyoung's face falls so cutely. He'll never tell Jinyoung the truth -- that he probably won't ever be able to see Jinyoung as anything but a man anymore, after last night.

 

"You should try and catch forty winks," Jinyoung tuts, innocently unaware of his thoughts, but Jaebum protests meekly, pouting.

"But I want to chat with you."

He smiles irresistibly with his eyes, and Jinyoung looks appropriately dazzled. "F-fine." His breathing quickens a little and he gathers Jaebum closer, pressing their warm cheeks together.

Jinyoung's wispy hair tickles his ear and Jaebum tries to keep his coherence.

"Remember you said the first time I made your heart flutter... was back when I was a teenage delinquent?" he reminisces.

Jinyoung's laughter rumbles at his choice of words. "Mm-hmm. My knight in shining armour." He nips Jaebum's earlobe playfully, making him tremble.

"Well..." Jaebum hedges, not knowing how to phrase his question. "We've both grown up; changed. Met so many new people..." He trails off, not knowing how to continue, but Jinyoung seems to sense his wordless question. _Do you still feel the same?_

"Jaebum hyung," he says slowly, thoughtfully. "I thought you were really cool, back then.

"I still do."

Jinyoung is smiling at him with so much adoration, it snatches Jaebum's breath.

"You may feel like you've changed, but you're still the same person to me. I've never known loneliness, because you're always there to comfort me when I need it. I don't trust many people or give away my trust easily, but for you it just comes naturally. When I have news to share, whether it's good or bad, you're the first person I think of. For me, there's never been anyone but you. I just love how you're quiet but solid and steady... like a rock. You... give me courage."

Overwhelmed by Jinyoung's emotional and touchingly honest speech, Jaebum's first instinct is to hide behind levity.

"Oh? Is that the only part of my body that is like a rock?" He grins at Jinyoung, elevating a douchey eyebrow.

Jinyoung flushes deliciously, and lowers his eyes susceptibly. But Jaebum isn't prepared for his equally mischievous reply. "No, your whole body is like a rock. Except for your dick -- it's like tofu," he deadpans seriously.

Jaebum yelps like a wounded animal, eyes wide. Jinyoung is falling apart with soundless laughter. Oh yes, he definitely knows he has Jaebum's heart on a leash.

 

Privately, Jinyoung's words fill Jaebum with relief. That even when he feels like he's changed beyond recognition, unfamiliar even to himself, Jinyoung still sees right through him. Still sees him as his _Jaebum hyung_ \-- which Jaebum realises with a pang of pleasure and contentment, is all and everything he has ever wanted to be. Nothing less, nothing more.

"Please stay with me forever."

He doesn't know he's said the words out, until Jinyoung's smile freezes on his face and his eyes go still.

There is a beat of awkward silence, before he shifts forward, even closer, and wraps his arms around Jaebum's shoulder blades. Jinyoung buries his face in the crook of Jaebum's shoulder, and Jaebum is glad because he's fire engine red at how needy and pleading he sounded, begging Jinyoung never to leave him, like one of the girlfriends he used to scorn trying to tie him down.

"Oh, hyung." Jinyoung's voice is muffled against his skin. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stick to you until the end of time. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

"G-good." Jaebum clears his throat awkwardly, trying to move out of Jinyoung's arms.

Jinyoung doesn't let go of him. He shakes his head vigorously.

"No, you don't get it. For the last ten years... the next ten years..," he takes a deep, shaky breath, "In my next life, I still want to be your _dongsaeng_."

This time, Jaebum is the one who is rattled by Jinyoung's intensity. He never knew Jinyoung felt this way; knew that he liked Jaebum being his hyung but not so much that he still wanted another entire lifetime of it.

 

"Wouldn't it be easier... if one of us were a girl in our next life?" he jokes a little lightly, slightly anxious because it's superstitious and foolish, but after all they don't know who might be listening and shouldn't make such wishes lightly.

He knows that for them, the obstacles aren't over, but only just beginning. He isn't afraid or daunted, but his heart aches at the thought of Jinyoung having to go through the same difficulties again just to be with him in their next lifetime.

He is surprised when Jinyoung shakes his head again, firmly and decisively, with his trademark honesty.

"No," he says quietly. "I like the way it is now. If you were a girl... everything would be different. I wouldn't be able to fuck you as roughly as I did last night. I'd have to be a gentleman."

"You _are_ a gentleman," Jaebum counters, blushing at Jinyoung's blunt words, despite realising the ring of truth to them. Their dynamic would be totally different if one of them was a girl. Maybe, they would not be able to be as close or intimate. He doesn't know -- can't imagine.

And for the first time, Jaebum realises he doesn't want to examine the possibilities of alternate realities and what-ifs. Because for the first time, he realises that all the conditions here and now, in this particular reality, are perfect. No matter how many challenges the future is fraught with -- if it's for Jinyoung, there's nothing that is too difficult for Jaebum.

He would jump through hoops of burning fire for Jinyoung, literally and figuratively. It's not that he's a matyr -- he's as selfish and self-absorbed as any other person, but when it's for the one person in the world he loves selflessly, there's no sacrifice that is too great. Like Jinyoung had said, in love, sacrifice comes naturally. It's such an intrinsic part of love that one doesn't even think about it before taking the leap, diving in headfirst with everything he has to lose.

That's because what they have found is the most precious thing two people can find in each other -- true love.

 

The thought of the two of them offering their ass to each other insistently the previous night still makes him laugh, when he had thought that the more likely scenario between two men having gay sex for the first time would be to fight over who gets to put it in first.

But then again, they're no ordinary couple, he thinks with pride. He knows that it's not because they didn't want to, but because they love each other too much.

And if Jackson and Mark could go from calling each other _Dude_ and _Bro_ to _Babe_ within the span of two years, then this isn't the strangest thing that's happened in their frat by far yet.

 

"But in our next life," Jaebum asserts softly, "I'll be the one chasing you and following your footsteps." He's still not over all those years of pining he had made Jinyoung go through, the unrequited love that had made his late teenagehood so painful. Jaebum never wants Jinyoung to suffer a single bit of pain for the rest of his life. He realises with a pang of clarity how truly he has always been the one sheltered, taken care of and protected by Jinyoung despite how it seems on the outside and how he has always felt. He feels like a poor excuse of a hyung.

"You wish," Jinyoung says, though, laughing quietly. "I'll always be the one filling your footsteps in the sand. That's just how it is, how we are."

Jinyoung is intractable, and Jaebum is helpless. Eventually, he gives in and complains, "You're such a Prince Charming."

"Am I?" Jinyoung smiles enigmatically, looking aristocratic in even ragged sweats. Jaebum nods, throat dry.

"I guess that makes you a princess then," Jinyoung teases back, voice filled with warmth. He cuddles Jaebum like a cuddle monster. "My Princess Jaebummie," he whispers in his ear, voice soft as smoke.

 

Jaebum must have dozed off for a while there then because when he swims back to consciousness Jinyoung is still gazing at him with quiet adoration, eyes hooded a little more sleepily, and still holding him as tightly.

Jaebum struggles to shift to check the time on his digital bedside clock.

"Shit, an hour's nearly over," he groans. "We don't have time to shower. Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked tired," Jinyoung whispers simply. "Hey, it's okay." He fishes his phone out of his pocket.

"What are you doing?" Jaebum rubs his eyes groggily, and doesn't miss the way Jinyoung's eyes gleam.

"Texting Jackson to stall them for another thirty minutes." Jinyoung bites his lip in concentration. "Done. Now we can take our time to shower."

Jaebum scoffs skeptically. "Are you sure he'll do it?" Bribing him to give them one hour was one thing, but Jackson isn't known for his generosity.

Jinyoung's smile is chillingly wicked. "He doesn't have a choice," he says lightly, sliding his phone back into his pants. "I said I'd tell Mark hyung he has a rimming kink if he doesn't obey."

"Jackson has a _rimming kink_?" Jaebum gasps, reeling, followed swiftly by, "How would _you_ know?"

He knows his suspicions are unfounded, but he wouldn't put it past Jackson to have attempted to put the moves on anything who has two legs and breathes in the past few years they have lived in the same house.

Jinyoung laughs patiently. "I don't know, hyung." The amusement is obvious in his voice. "But more importantly, _Mark hyung_ doesn't know I don't know."

"Ohh." Jaebum feels like a dolt. "My god, you are so evil, Park Jinyoung." He's appalled.

"Anything for my princess," Jinyoung purrs like a motor.

"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Jaebum mutters shaking his head, finally bending his stiff body into a sitting position warily and trying not to wince.

Jinyoung watches him closely, placing a solicitous and steadying hand on his lower back.

"You could sleep the day in if you wanted, you know. I can tell them you're feeling unwell," he offers.

Jaebum senses that Jinyoung can sense the depth of his bone-deep exhaustion, but is hiding his concern behind his pride too.

"I'm fine," he replies gruffly. "I need to eat anyway."

"Okay, then," Jinyoung says softly behind him, a smile in his voice. His hand remains on Jaebum's waist, a comfortable weight. "Go wash up, and then we'll get something to eat."

 

He crawls out of Jaebum's bed clumsily too, and Jaebum checks his ass out shamelessly through the shapeless sweats. But he's got nothing on the creepiness with which Jinyoung ogles his ass from where he's now leaning against Jaebum's door waiting for him with his arms folded over his chest as Jaebum swings the covers off his legs and his legs over the edge of his bed.

Perversely, Jinyoung doesn't offer to help this time, just following Jaebum's actions silently with his eyes, gaze intense with longing. Jaebum tries to ignore the way Jinyoung is eyeballing him from head to toe, eyes honing in on his naked lower half as he hobbles across the length of his room to get his jeans and underwear tossed haphazardly on the floor, feeling fluids sluicing down the valley of his upper thighs, Jinyoung's come now cold trickling down his inner thighs with an unstoppability that makes his face burn. There's so much of it and no matter how much he tries to clench his muscles to stem the flow it still continues oozing out.

Behind him, there's a visible damp and sticky spot on the bed where he was sitting he shiftily tries to hide with the covers. The only relief is that he isn't a girl or he would probably have bled even more embarrassingly.

"Do you need my help?" Jinyoung's voice is inordinately tender as Jaebum reaches his jeans.

"No," he replies through gritted teeth, refusing to meet his eyes as he fumbles to tug his underwear and jeans over the mess between his legs, quickly soaking them too.

 

In the shower, Jaebum scours his skin, scrubbing furiously till it turns red and blotchy like a rash. But no matter how long he spends under the hot needles of water, he still can't seem to fully wash away the feeling that he's lost another portion of his innocence last night, feeling so dirty he'll never be clean again. Since time is running out and they have even more limited minutes before Dabin wakes up and needs to be fed, they had wisely decided to take individual baths.

A floor below, he can hear Jinyoung stepping out of the other bathroom, taking much less time than Jaebum and throwing Jaebum's sheets which he had stripped off the bed into the laundry for a quick spin cycle. Jaebum had been reluctant to let Jinyoung wash the scents and evidence of their whirlwind night together from his covers and bed, but they had no choice because his sheets were a literal mess.

His ass still hasn't stopped leaking even after all the come is gone and he has stuck a tentative finger up gingerly to get all the traces out, flinching at the deep and stinging soreness. It's not so much a sharp pain as a dull, raw feeling, the phantom sensation of Jinyoung's cock lingering invasive and making the area between his thighs feel slick, his insides still loose and stretched as if he just returned from a day of horse-riding spent straddled atop a massive stallion. When he tries to pee, his dick is sensitive and swollen from all the times he came, the tip abused. They should probably have taken it easier for their first time, but they had just gotten so carried away.

 

After he has done all he can, he finally forces himself to get out of the steamy shower which has already fogged up all the surfaces in the bathroom and scrubs a dry towel over his face and hair, hoping he doesn't look too much like roadkill. Downstairs, he can hear the beep of the front door passcode followed by five pairs of clomping footsteps filling the silent house with noise, and knows Jinyoung will have started worrying about why he's taking so long.

Jaebum tries to arrange his expression in the bathroom mirror after he has pulled on clean clothes, comfortable and baggy sweats like Jinyoung's he can lose himself in. He takes a deep, bracing breath, but he seems to have forgotten how to return to his old expression or the face he had worn before last night, for the past twenty-three years of his life. How could the drastic change that has taken place, the tectonic shift both physically and emotionally inside him not show on his face?

"We're home, hyung," Bambam casually calls out, brushing past him with Youngjae on his way to Dabin's nursery as he staggers out of the bathroom with his old clothes guiltily bundled up in his arms, eager to check on her after not seeing her for one night.

Jaebum grunts an unintelligible monosyllable and shuffles to his room with his head down, shoving the clothes deep in his laundry basket for Jinyoung to take care of later. Then he sighs and prepares to head down the stairs, jumping when Jinyoung's slightly antsy voice filters up, a private question in it, "Jaebum hyung? Breakfast's ready."

 

After finally visiting Dabin and wanting to feed her but finding out Jinyoung already has like some kind of Supermom, he's painfully conscious of all five pairs of their eyes at the kitchen table, careful not to meet Jinyoung's as he bustles around dishing out a haphazardly clobbered together meal of runny eggs and charred toast. Luckily, the boys are too hungry to notice, even though they had already consumed a first breakfast of hangover soup an hour ago. Apparently dancing all night and getting smashed is almost as appetite-inducing as having sex.

But even though Jaebum had felt ravenous back in his room, now he feels full after just a few bites, his jitters and nervous cold sweat not helping. Maybe it's because the stomach is so close to his ass that he feels nauseous when he tries to force anything substantial down there.

He keeps scanning the rest of their faces, trying to guess if they can tell he lost his homosexual virginity last night and feeling absurdly sheepish as if they're his parents.

He doesn't notice Jinyoung hovering until he settles down in the chair beside him, not saying anything but shooting him a concerned look that tells Jaebum how unnatural he's acting.

He tries to telepath wordless reassurance back to Jinyoung, but both of them jump in alarm when Jackson's loud voice rings out obnoxiously.

"Wild night?"

He's wearing a faint smirk on his face as he looks between Jaebum and Jinyoung, eyes shrewd as a fox's and not missing a thing.

Jaebum shifts uncomfortably, dread in the pit of his stomach. He continues pushing his food around his plate with his fork as Jinyoung stammers, "What are you talking about? I came home at midnight, remember?" His laugh sounds as strangled as Jaebum feels.

"Exactly. That's why I'm asking," Jackson drawls, not taking his eyes off them with his oily smile only widening. He's so annoying Jaebum knows exactly what the nudge Jinyoung digs into his side with his elbow means. He slides the box of glow-in-the-dark condoms from his pocket into Jinyoung's.

Jinyoung clears his throat, taking the only option they have left -- playing dumb.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he announces blithely, pushing his chair back and getting up while ignoring the rest of the other four's curious glances. "Who wants more eggs?"

Luckily the topic is diverted with an enthusiastic chorus of "Me!"s from the three youngest. Jackson's eyes tell Jaebum this isn't the last they'll hear of it, though as he stabs his bacon and swallows it down without tasting. When he shifts, his thighs chafe uncomfortably against the fabric of his pants, stickily damp again. He hopes fervently it won't be visible when he stands.

 

Bambam has finished three cups of coffee without any of them noticing and it's too late when he starts bouncing off the walls, practically whooping, "Whee!"

Jinyoung groans, massaging his temple. It's rule twenty in their frat and common knowledge even outside that alcohol plus caffeine plus Kunpimook Bhuwakul is not a good combination.

Jaebum jumps when Bambam drapes himself over his neck affectionately from the back, like a heavy scarf. "Hyuuung~ You look so squishy and cute today. Can I sit on your lap?"

Before Jaebum can open his mouth to anxiously refuse, Jinyoung fires back rudely from his side, "No."

His cutlery clatters to his plate and he's shooting lasers at Bambam with his eyes so sharp they manage to cut through his adrenaline high, making the lockhold of his arms loosen around Jaebum's neck, startled. Jinyoung doesn't say it verbally but everything about his tone and stance spells out the words _Back off_ , hostile and territorial like a cornered wolf with enemies threatening its turf.

Jaebum feels momentarily sorry for Bambam who is shrinking away looking uncertain and innocently clueless, knowing he hasn't ever seen this side of Jinyoung before because it rarely makes an appearance. Jinyoung is usually perpetually and faultlessly good-natured and unperturbable, no matter the occasion, so people assume he's passive and a softie.

And he is, usually. But there are rare, unpredictable occasions when Jinyoung will flare up when people touch his stuff or rub him the wrong way with their actions, pissing him off for some reason with what he interprets as them infringing on his territory. Now, the way Jinyoung has taken his warning eyes off Bambam and has calmly resumed eating, but his movements stiff in a way that suggests he's still silently fuming, makes Jaebum feel like maybe he's the one unknowingly exuding pheromones this morning. It's kind of nice, though a little scary, Jinyoung being protective and making Jaebum feel like he belongs to him.

He shoots Bambam an apologetic and hopefully reassuring look, promising with his eyes to let him sit on his lap as much as he likes some other time when Jinyoung isn't looking. Bambam looks slightly less bummed.

 

The table descends into an awkward silence again as they finish up their breakfast, no one sensing the sudden stilted tension except Jackson who keeps clearing his throat in an annoying fashion as if trying to muffle a laugh building up behind it.

His antics seem to be progressively trying Jinyoung more, who Jaebum can tell is already terse and worried from how weirdly he's been acting ever since he came down. He knows Jinyoung wants to ask him what's wrong but can't speak freely with all of them still here. He jumps when Jinyoung runs a hand down his thigh and settles it on his knee, squeezing slightly.

Finally, Jackson breaks the silence, seeming unable to keep his amusement to himself any longer.

"Jaebum hyung, why do you look like you have a stick up your ass?" he asks, the picture of wide-eyed faux innocence. "I mean, you do all the time," he goes on with the smoothness of rehearsed snark, "but more than usual today."

Jaebum looks up, face crimson with more irritation than embarrassment, because Jackson had hit the nail on his head. He should have been careful what he wished for when he asked Jinyoung to fuck him so hard he wouldn't be able to sit down because now he literally can't, settling on an awkward posture with his legs gingerly and slightly parted and his spine rigid and stiff.

 

Being the one who knows most clearly what mental stress Jinyoung is under, he shouldn't be surprised when Jinyoung's tightly tensed body finally snaps at this stage. But he still flinches along with the rest of them when Jinyoung snaps sharply, eyes flashing, "Shut the fuck up, Jackson."

A heavy silence plunges. Jackson is blinking, looking genuinely hurt by his cutting tone, and Jaebum feels uncomfortably like Jinyoung has gone too far this time. He knows as well as Jaebum that Jackson is just being his usual obnoxious self and taking the piss out of them harmlessly and that he's the most easily hurt among them.

But Jinyoung doesn't look repentant as he continues clenching his jaw tightly, not apologizing or taking back his remark immediately.

Jackson whimpers, and Mark sets down his fork slowly, narrowing his eyes at Jinyoung.

"What's wrong with you this morning?" he asks, finally breaking the silence.

Jaebum bursts into a bark of nervous laughter, sounding forced and fake in the terse stareoff as Jinyoung moves his eyes to Mark. Jaebum gives his knee a warning squeeze.

Finally, he sinks in relief to hear Jinyoung take a deep breath and back down. "Sorry, Jackson-ah. I guess I just... got off the wrong side of bed."

"It's okay," Jackson sniffs graciously when Mark nudges him, looking relieved too.

 

Jaebum feels terrible for being the source of all this awkwardness and Jinyoung's flaring temper, but he shouldn't have worried because merely ten minutes later, Jackson has wormed himself into Jinyoung's good books again and is hanging off his shoulder like the best buds they are, making him smile from ear to ear as Mark keeps a careful but doting eye on him, leaning back in his chair quietly. Both him and Jaebum are smiling, as is everyone else, because Jackson is a sorcerer who knows dark magic.

He has the grace to admit to himself that he supposes he deserves it when Jackson looks at him with a glint in his eye again and says conversationally, "But Jaebum hyung... I would never have guessed Jinyoungie wears the pants in your relationship." His words are sweetly snarky and disquietingly familiar, and Jaebum almost chokes on his tongue.

"Yeah, Jaebum," Mark adds, backing him up and getting his revenge for earlier. And he had the nerve to declare he didn't calculate with his friends. "This is a surprise." He wags his brows at Jaebum with innuendo. God, Mark really shouldn't do that again.

"You shouldn't do that again. It looks really weird," he advises Mark kindly, ever the bigger person. Mark only flips him off, smiling.

The three youngest boys are wisely holding their tongue, although Jinyoung seems to have been softened, seeming to be worried he may have another outburst anytime. But they lean forward in anticipation of Jaebum's response as if from front-row seats at a movie.

"Hold on." Jinyoung steals the show effortlessly with his exclamation of mock surprise. "Are you guys saying that... _Jackson doesn't top_?" He enunciates the words with deadly clarity, obviously enjoying the red blotches the words cause to spread over Jackson's face.

Mark opens his mouth to say something again, rolling his eyes, but Jackson huffs defiantly and forestalls him. "So what?" he glares at Jinyoung, blowing his bangs out of his face sassily. "The one below is actually stronger." Jaebum is surprised to hear Jackson echoing his thoughts and his reasons for asking Jinyoung to take the top role in some form.

He meets Jackson's eyes, and Jackson asks, "Right, hyung?" He simpers at Jaebum with camaraderie as if he wasn't just throwing shade all over the place less than thirty minutes ago.

Jaebum is about to reply when Jinyoung's hand closes over his under the table in his lap, tightening. He looks over to see Jinyoung looking slightly disgruntled and... is that jealousy he sees? at their bonding. Jaebum can't help laughing at Jinyoung's awfully adorable overpossessiveness.

Mark is laughing so hard he almost snorts milk up his nose.

"I'm printing that on a t-shirt and getting it mass custom-made to distribute it to everyone in this frat," he tells Jackson once he manages to stop sniggering. "' _The one below is actually stronger.' - Jackson Wang, 2016_. Man, this is so epic it's gonna go down in history. Are you in?" Mark throws Jaebum another eyebrow wag.

Jaebum bobs his head enthusiastically. He's always passionately interested when it comes to anything that involves Jackson's embarrassment.

"Don't get cocky, Mark Tuan!" Jackson is shouting, riled up in a way only Mark can ruffle his feathers. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"You can't kick me out of my own room," Mark only retaliates blasely, not batting an eyelash as Jackson bristles and loses his Zen chill. They all exchange barfing faces at Mark chasing Jackson as he stomps out of the kitchen, begging for forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to my bae ChartreuseMint whom i've wanted to dedicate a fic to since ages ago; who spent her weekend marathon-reading all 15 chapters in less than 2 days; and not only did that but also left me countless lengthy and amazing and brilliant comments; who has never shipped markson but told me this fic converted her to liking it even more than the jjp; and who digs fuckboi mark as much as me! i love you bae imma write all the jackbum moments from now on thinking of you jsyk ;v;
> 
> im not gonna lie... i seriously considered abandoning this fic after the last chapter lol. i was going through one of my usual middle-of-chaptered-fic-bouts-of-doubt again because this got way longer than i (and im sure anyone else) ever expected and i know my writing in the last few chapters is getting increasingly self-indulgent and the pacing is abominable i mean i just counted and i literally spent 5 CHAPTERS writing about one night and the morning after this is atrocious and i know the disproportionately lengthy scenes are probably jarring for readers to digest! but then i went to binge read the whole fic from the start for the first time since i started writing it (i reread every chap after i write it but haven't read them all together until now) and i guess it wasn't as bad or as hot a mess as i thought (though im not entirely sure since i was too bored to finish the last few chaps lmao) but more importantly the hours that i took to do this made me realise how much TIME readers have dedicated to reading this fic from the beginning till now and also how much work i put into it and i realised it would be a waste of all that effort on both of our parts for me to just give up now! long story short i decided to hang on lol and i know this is probably of no interest to anyone so im sorry for always being such a whiny writer orz. i hope this doesn't distress anybody to read though im just being overdramatic like usual and dw i won't abandon this or my readers :3
> 
> also can we talk about how jaebum is on FIRE this comeback i swear jjp and his eyebrows are destroying me and so inspirational to me in writing the top!jb scene ;;
> 
> last but not least, to the lovely commenter in the last chapter who asked me if jaebum has told anyone else about dabin's existence, the answer is no, not yet at this point of the fic! but i have a scene planned later on where he tells his parents about her over the phone and comes out with jinyoung at the same time its planned to be cute and humorous so you can look forward to it i guess :)


	17. Chapter 17

Youngjae rolls his eyes in a rare display of rebellion the moment Mark and Jackson are out of earshot, but a high-pitched burst of laughter peals out audibly from the upper story. "Is it that funny?"

"Yeah, I know Mark hyung is obliged to laugh at everything Jackson hyung says because they're boyfriends, but some of his jokes are really unfunny." Bambam joins in poking fun at the two older boys as if Jaebum and Jinyoung are not around and the trio are in one of their "maknae meetings" which the four oldest have been secretly convinced the three youngest organize occasionally without their knowledge but have never been able to gather substantial evidence to accuse them since the founding of their fraternity.

Jaebum bites his lip to suppress a laugh, knowing that they're just feeling sore and a teeny bit jealous because Mark didn't high-five them about the t-shirt idea.

 

Jinyoung clears his throat subtly, getting his attention and wordlessly telepaths him with his eyes to stand up. They manage to sidle to their feet and away from the table without arousing the three youngest boys' attention, as their snarky asides about their four hyungs get more and more outrageous, seeming to have completely forgotten two of them are still present.

Still, Jaebum has more important matters to occupy himself with now as he helps Jinyoung clear away the dirty breakfast dishes and juggle the stack to dump in the sink. After Jinyoung loads the dishwasher, their eyes meet with conspiratorial glee.

Jaebum hurries to open the dishwasher when it's done and Jinyoung totes the jug of half-full coffee (mostly consumed by Bambam) over. Jaebum takes out Mark and Jackson's now-clean (disgustingly expensive and matching; Mark started spoiling Jackson more disgustingly than a sugar daddy after they started dating) cups and sets them on the counter, practically rubbing his hands together with nefarious excitement.

They can both barely contain their childish giggles as Jinyoung carefully fills both cups to around three-quarters, dissolving into silent convulsions every time their eyes meet. Jaebum shudders when he thinks of how savage Mark and Jackson's payback on this will be, but he thinks with a mixture of grimness and affection as he sees Jinyoung's boyish flush of pure happiness -- it will be entirely worth it.

Hazarding another glance at the maknaes to check they are still occupied, Jinyoung digs the box of glow-in-the-dark condoms out of his pocket, by now crumpled from being squashed in both their pants. He unceremoniously bites one foil packet to tear it open with his teeth, the gesture all the more erotic for its artlessness and distractedness.

Jaebum doesn't even realise he's gaping till Jinyoung tosses him the box, making a muffled sound around the packet and spitting it out gracelessly while ripping a second one open with his hands. He dumps both condoms into Jackson's cup (of course, there's no occasion Jinyoung would choose to prank Mark over Jackson).

Under Jinyoung's impatient gaze, Jaebum wisely opts not to open the condoms the same way as him, predicting that he will turn out looking far more foolish than sexy. His face is already a breathless shade of mauve without him attempting it.

Opening the condoms make him recall his last and unsavory experience with them, which had resulted in him becoming a father. He is ironically relieved that this, at least, is not something he has to worry about with Jinyoung, for what it's worth. They will have to make appointments at the hospital for proper legitimate health check-ups first though if they plan to engage in anal sex on a regular basis from now on and he makes a mental note to talk to Jinyoung about it.

He shudders as he dumps the dodgy-looking condoms which have a greasy greenish tint to their cloudy translucence even in the light, into Mark's coffee. Jinyoung is almost cackling as he adds a liberal amount of milk and sugar, stirring both cups well till there is no hint of what lies beneath the surface on the placid brown exterior.

 

Yugyeom pauses mid-rant as they tiptoe past carefully toting the precariously sloshing cups of lukewarm coffee. He brightens, then realises they aren't for them and his face falls. Then he lights up again as he calls, "Hyung, can I pretty please spit in Mark hyung's cup?" He clasps his hands together with innocent puppy dog eyes in stark contrast to his merciless words.

Jinyoung clicks his tongue disapprovingly for about two seconds before he falls apart into the cackles he has been holding back.

"No need, we already put something way better in."

He tosses the remaining box of useless birthday presents to the center of the kitchen table and in a flash it's swallowed up by the three boys jostling to snatch it up like hungry wolves. Jaebum and Jinyoung hear them cracking up like Mark at one of Jackson's jokes as they don't stop, continuing to make their creeping way up the staircase.

 

Jinyoung stops so abruptly on the landing that Jaebum nearly bumps into him, Jackson's cup wobbling precariously. Jinyoung had shrewdly suggested they switch halfway up the steps as it struck him that Jackson would be less likely to suspect Jaebum of spiking his coffee, and Mark Jinyoung.

Jaebum hurls a dramatic hand in front of his cup to block it from spilling over Jinyoung's arm, then proceeds to demand anxiously, "Are you okay? Did you get burnt?"

Jinyoung rolls his eyes and shushes him, though he looks touched by Jaebum's concern. "It's lukewarm, hyung." He giggles. "I bet it tastes disgusting."

Jaebum is once again rendered speechless by Jinyoung's ruthless side. It doesn't bother him as much as how _hot_ he finds it bothers him, if he's being honest.

"Shhh," Jinyoung hisses, tiptoeing with more stealth than necessary towards Mark's closed door. He presses his ear against it with wide eyes but that's probably as unnecessary as the cautiousness because even from out here Jaebum can hear Mark and Jackson loud and clear, still bickering heatedly.

"You can't kick me out of my own room."

"Watch me!"

Jaebum meets Jinyoung's eyes in disbelief. "Have they been having the exact same argument over and over since just now?" he stage-whispers.

Jinyoung shrugs and snorts. "Highly likely."

 

Jinyoung clears his throat and looks at Jaebum as Jackson's voice starts rising to a screech. Jaebum nods, rearranging his expression into solemn innocence.

Jinyoung knocks on the door loudly twice. There is a baffled pause before Jackson's voice calls out, sounding confused and irritated, "What?"

Jinyoung tries the knob without further ado. It turns and they slip into the room carrying their cups carefully and simpering.

"What's this?" Mark raises a harassed eyebrow from where he's seated on an armchair when he sees it's them, while Jackson in contrast looks less composed from his perch standing on top of the bed.

Jackson blushes a little and shoves some dodgy-looking stuff under their mess of covers too quickly for Jaebum to see what it is, getting down from the bed.

"Oh, nothing much..." Jinyoung croons, batting his eyelashes. Jaebum nudges him not to overact and Jinyoung quickly tones it down. "We... I just felt bad about just now, especially to Jackson hyung. So we made you some coffee to make up. Truce?" He flashes his wholesome, nice-boy row of teeth.

Jackson looks suspicious, probably because this is the first time Jinyoung has called him hyung, like, ever. Jaebum groans, thinking their cover is blown, but the next moment Mark is unexpectedly standing up and unsuspectingly taking his cup from Jinyoung with a guilelessness that makes Jaebum mometarily feel guilty.

Jinyoung hesitates too, but he plows on with their plan. He retracts the cup a little, not handing it to Mark before adding, "We feel bad for causing you guys to quarrel too, so it might provide a nice... uh, romantic ambience if you sip this with the lights off, and make up with each other at the same time, y'know, kill two birds with one stone. Shall we turn the lights out for you on your way out?" Jinyoung smiles sweetly, all innocence.

Jackson still looks doubtful about their motives, but he takes the cup from Jaebum with only narrowed eyes, following Mark's cue.

Neither of them answer Jinyoung's question, but they don't object either, so Jinyoung quickly starts backing out of the room, grabbing Jaebum's elbow. He flicks the light switch with a deft movement as they exit the room, closing the door behind them. Then Jinyoung places his finger on Jaebum's lips and they press their ears against the door, trying to hold their breath and not explode into uncontrollable laughter.

 

It doesn't take long. Within mere seconds, they hear a horrified shriek which nearly deafens their eardrums and makes them jump a foot high, nearly cracking their foreheads together even though they were expecting it. One floor below, they hear the maknaes' chatter cease curiously.

Jinyoung's shoulders are shaking with silent and irrepressible mirth, his face flushed with a glee more unadulterated than Jaebum has seen since they were teenagers. It's a heartless and awful prank but Jaebum can't bring himself to feel sorry when Jinyoung looks so damn breathtaking like this, laughing with utter abandonment and clutching Jaebum's arms tightly to hold himself up.

"Are these used?! IM JAEBUM AND PARK JINYOUNG, ARE THESE USED?!"

Of course, Jackson's shout gets no reply. They hear a scuffle in the room, presumably Mark holding him back from charging out to murder them.

"Fuck, hyung, I think they're used," they hear Jackson whimpering pitiably from behind the door. Helpless and disgusted gagging sounds ensue. It's the straw that breaks the camel's back and Jaebum thinks he might need to change his pants again.

"Oh god, I think I peed a little." Jinyoung finally gasps breathlessly, stumbling to catch his balance and wiping tears from his eyes. "I haven't laughed so hard since --"

"-- eighth grade," Jaebum finishes his sentence, and they share a goofy couple smile which is a good thing no one else is present to witness because it might cause symptoms similar to seasickness in any onlookers.

 

"I feel horrible," Jaebum whispers in Jinyoung's ear as they slink down the stairs again to report the good news and give a detailed account of the hilarious prank to the maknaes. They actually give out awards for Most Successful and Ingenious Prank annually in their frat and Jaebum thinks this might be a strong contender for champion.

"Me too." Jinyoung makes a sad face. He hesitates. "Maybe we went too far. But hey," his eyes start twinkling a bit as he takes Jaebum's hand smoothly, "on the bright side, at least we helped them to forget what they were quarreling about."

 

They relive their glory shamelessly yet again once more in Bambam's room, where they have hidden out and locked the door because Jinyoung has started looking wary and fearful about Jackson's certain and looming revenge. The three youngest boys are the best audience and impressionable and adoring dongsaengs they could as for as always, their eyes gleaming as if Jaebum and Jinyoung are their idols as they listen to their recount with their ears pricked up.

"You should have filmed it with your phone so we can watch when we need cheering up," Yugyeom groans.

"Or use it as blackmail material when we need to," Youngjae adds intelligently. Jinyoung gapes at him, eyes mirroring Jaebum's thoughts. When on earth the resident sweetheart of their fraternity would need to blackmail Mark or Jackson, they didn't know and didn't want to know.

"Next time," Jinyoung promises indulgently, and Jaebum turns to stare at him with bulging eyes, but Jinyoung is too busy being lifted on the sea of their cheers and their starry eyes to mind him. Truly, the three boys have their Jinyoung hyung wrapped around their little fingers.

"Well, this has been nice," Yugyeom says in a... bored (?!) voice, glancing at his watch, "But Youngjae hyung and I are going to the beach, so..."

"Are you dismissing us?" Jaebum squawks in disbelief at the same time Jinyoung squeals, "The beach?! That's so romantic!"

It honestly sounds more chilly and... uncomfortable to Jaebum, especially with the current weather, but he doesn't oppose Jinyoung publicly, thinking thankfully that he is safe from having to go to such impractical dating locations and cheesy "couple spots".

But when Jinyoung turns to direct a disgruntled pout at him, as if Jaebum is personally responsible for the lack of romanticism in his love life, Jaebum gulps and looks away shiftily. Jinyoung seems disappointed but doesn't say anything.

"Yeah, I gotta motor too. I'm going back to that club to see if anyone knows that babe I was with yesterday. Hyung, you should've seen her figure -- Damn..." He traces an unrealistic hourglass S-line in the air with his hands towards Jaebum to describe it.

"You were sucking face for hours and you didn't get her number?" Youngjae blurts, facepalming at the same moment Jinyoung says, "But Bam-ah, isn't that a little, uh, desperate? At least wait a few days!"

"You sound like my mom." Bambam is clutching his stomach, and Jinyoung tuts disapprovingly, though Jaebum knows he privately enjoys the compliment. "I don't think your mom would be advising you to return at all."

"Maybe she'll think it's romantic." Bambam wags his eyebrows a la Mark style. "You know, girls like those intense Edward Cullen types nowdays. Don't I look like a hot vampire?" He makes a v shape with his fingers below his chin and turns his profile to face them, striking a model pose.

At this, Jinyoung seems to remember something. "Oh right, I forgot to return your choker!" He snaps his fingers distractedly. "Wait a minute, I'll just run back to my room and get it."

"NO!!!" Bambam yells so loudly, the whole house plunges into awkward silence for a beat, even Jackson's occasional banging on their door for Jinyoung to get his ass out and that he's dead meat today quieting. Everyone swivels to stare at Bambam in stupefaction, and he blushes hotly.

"I mean, er... it's alright. You can keep it." He seems to be trying not to sound hysterical, unsuccessfully.

"But don't you really like that choker?" Jinyoung frowns.

"Oh, no! I really think it looks better on you, hyung. I have plenty, I don't need that one!" Bambam is backing away rapidly and has reached the door before any of them realised. In a flash, the door is swooshing closed and the space where he was is nothing but air tousling their hair at how swiftly he whooshed out.

Yugyeom and Youngjae proceed to make themselves scarce too, leaving Jaebum with Jinyoung suddenly and inexplicably feeling like two old-timers whose grown children have flown the coop.

Jinyoung is looking confused and bereft, as if he thinks he had something to do with the awkward tension and everyone leaving so hastily but is unsure what. Jaebum's heart goes out to him.

 

Unaccountably, he feels even more like an elderly grandfather as he takes Jinyoung's hand and pats it comfortingly.

"It's okay," he says, trying to sound careless. "We have our own date to go to, right?"

"We do?" Jinyoung looks up at him with such bright-eyed eagerness that Jaebum forgets his next words, only able to nod.

"Is Dabinnie coming along?" is Jinyoung's next question, chasing the tail of the first so quickly Jaebum can barely catch his breath. He feels himself nodding again, breathlessly. A foolish smile aches on his face, mirrored on Jinyoung's lips as it spreads over his own.

"Yay!!!" Jinyoung crows, sounding so much like Dabin Jaebum's chest clenches. "Let me just go change and -- go get her ---" Jinyoung flutters around in a tizzy, another dizzy flush painting the apples of his cheeks rose.

Jaebum grabs his shoulders, breathing a laugh of pure delight. "Jinyoung," he says, his voice seeming to effortlessly calm Jinyoung and pause his hummingbird quick motions.

"Yes, hyung?"

"There's no need to change," Jaebum says, wrapping his arms around him carefully and whispering his next words in Jinyoung's ear. "You look gorgeous as you are."

When he pulls back, Jinyoung is beaming from ear to ear.

 

They crack open Bambam's door and check the coast is clear before scuttling out warily. Jackson seems to have tired of lying in wait, or been distracted by Mark calling him away. Hopefully the hundred bucks Jinyoung leaves on the coffee table for him with a "Sorry, Jackson hyung~ Forgive me? =)" note and a coupon to go and eat meat together for free once sans Bambam will appease him a little by the time they arrive home.

They sneak into his daughter's room and Jaebum gently lifts the child out of her cot, her arms waving around curiously eager to touch him and lock around his neck but cooperatively quiet and smiling. She seems grateful to be freed from the confines of her increasingly cramped cot and able to stretch her limbs out fully for once. He feels absurdly like a cradle robber as they bundle her up carefully in layers of warm and snuggly blankets, help her put on her tiny little mittens and booties and the adorable minature beanie Jaebum has a matching one to.

Jinyoung slips back to his room on nimble feet to get it within minutes, and helps Jaebum on after Jaebum only agrees to wear it if Jinyoung wears his HBA baseball cap. Jinyoung looks like the college student he is in Jaebum's cap, all his sophistication replaced by boyish endearment.

Jinyoung helps Jaebum strap Dabin onto his shoulders, in front of his chest so he can cradle her head and back with the help of the harnesses. He can tell how breathtakingly rapidly she has grown in a short span of time even from how Jinyoung has to adjust and loosen the straps before she can fit, is unignorably heavy in his arms that now he starts panting a little after a short time of carrying her. Where has the time flown? he thinks, the question prickling against the backs of his eyes. It's like it just trickles through his fingers, slides through his hands unable to be grasped or held back like sand in an hourglass, its passage relentless and dizzying.

 

He is brought sharply back to the warm rose-coloured reality by Jinyoung bouncing on the balls of his feet, eyes shining.

"Where are we going for our date, hyung?"

He's so excited that Jaebum can't bear to let on that he had merely blurted out the idea on the spur of the moment and has no good ideas or plans. He really doesn't feel like going to the beach, besides they might meet Yugyeom and Youngjae there again.

"Well... I was thinking we could just take a... romantic stroll." Dabin burps as he jiggles her pacifyingly, not particularly helpful to the romantic ambience but Jinyoung doesn't seem to notice, rubbing his palm fondly over the downy baby fuzz on her head before sliding her beanie on and making her giggles bubble.

Jinyoung nods enthusiastically at his suggestion, looking fired up. "That's a wonderful idea, hyung! How did you know I was in the mood for some exercise?"

Jaebum melts, pretty sure that Jinyoung would have said the exact same thing to whatever lame scheme he had cooked up.

He takes Jinyoung's hand with his free hand, the other occupied by supporting Dabin's back.

"Shall we set off, then?"

Jinyoung's smile has enough watts to light up the entire nursery, even after he flicks off the lights.

 

Their meandering but somewhat surprisingly romantic walk ends up leading them to the nearby park, the playground where they had kissed some time back, after the sweater incident.

Jaebum finds himself catching his breath on a park bench, even the clouds seeming to have cleared for them, the day so unseasonably beautiful with such perfect weather that nothing can dampen their spirits. With more affection that he could ever hope to express in ten lifetimes, he watches Jinyoung watch over Dabin like a hawk as she plays in the sandbox, getting on his hands and knees to crouch to her level without caring if he gets himself dirty and stopping her when she tries to put sand or the toy spade and shovel another toddler is generously sharing with them into her mouth.

When Jinyoung is occupied by his daughter, he barely looks up at Jaebum, seems to forget about him. As he should. Jaebum realises that Jinyoung is redefining his ideal type every day, that "Loves my child like his or her own despite having no blood relation" has become the most appealing quality in a love interest to him despite him not having given it a single thought before Dabin's appearance, or even falling in love with Jinyoung.

Dabin gazes hopefully at the slides and seesaw, but Jaebum and Jinyoung have discussed this with probably more seriousness than necessary and decided very sternly that she is not old enough to play on them yet, even supervised. They are deathly afraid she will hurt herself and cause scars that will mar her delicate skin or even injure her fragile child's bones.

 

Jaebum is so absorbed in beaming giddily at his daughter and boyfriend, he almost doesn't notice the elderly and wizened couple hobbling past, the man moving slowly with the aid of a walking stick and his wife. Both their backs are hunched and bent with the years, their frames frail and their clothes ragged and coarse, but their faces are careworn with laughter lines and the quiet warmth that is exchanged in just one glance between them speaks volumes of the years they have loved.

Jaebum hurriedly gets to his feet and gently takes the old man's other arm, supporting his elbow with a steady hand as he guides him the few steps to the park bench. The couple both look pleasantly surprised by his kindness and consideration, and approvingly moved.

"There aren't many young people as thoughtful as you these days, young man," the old lady says hoarsely after they have sat down gingerly, their joints seeming to be giving them trouble. The old man directs a warm smile of gratitude at him too. In his peripheral vision, Jaebum sees Jinyoung looking up, his eyes widening then softening, unsurprised because even in his teenage delinquent phase, Jaebum was always the student who helped old people cross the street, who was the first to give up his seat on public transport to them. It was kind of unconvincing to the badass image but it was a compulsion he couldn't curb.

Now, Jaebum hastily shakes his head, blushing in the embarrassment he always feels at people drawing attention to the gestures he makes not because he wants people to think he's nice, but because it doesn't feel right not to.

He graciously accepts the old lady's invitation to share the bench with them and sits down next to the man, placing Dabin's harness on his lap. At the sandbox, Jinyoung finally deems Dabin sandy enough and her playtime over, hoisting her up into his arms with an effortful grunt. Jaebum hides a smile at how Jinyoung has trouble lifting her up now too, proud of his daughter's healthy growth and chubbiness.

 

"What a good upbringing that child has," he is surprised to hear the old lady remark, admiration clear in her voice as she motions to her husband to look at Dabin sweetly patting the sand off Jinyoung's hair, making him screw up his face in the most adorable about-to-sneeze expression. "You seldom see such well brought-up children around."

"That's my daughter," Jaebum can't help blurting out, voice filled with undisguised pride, and then blushes even more deeply at how boastful he sounds. He just can't help being one of those embarrassing and hearty fathers who longs to share the joy of their fatherhood with everyone he meets, whether or not they like it.

Thankfully, the old couple don't seem to find his gushing off-putting, and smile with genuine warmth and marvelment at how simply beautiful and irresistibly adorable Dabin is. They admire her profusely and vocally.

"We can tell," the old lady tells him, smiling with more crooked teeth. The old man just gazes at her unabashedly, silently with pure and simple wonderment scrawled across his eyes and Jaebum finds a lump in his throat. He finds himself wondering if he will have something like this with Jinyoung someday, something as gorgeous and enduring.

"She looks just like you," the old man agrees, and Jaebum feels immensely flattered since he can already tell even from the short span of their interactions that he is a person of few words, the kind that means everything they say.

"Thank you," he mumbles, just as Jinyoung walks up from behind him, Jaebum's child straddling his hip, his hoodie dusted with sand and his bangs tousled from the heat. He's never looked more lovely.

The couple reach out easily to Dabin and she seems to see them as old friends, her mouth instantly opening wide in a delighted gurgle of joy and reaching her stubby arms out towards them as if they're reuniting after a long separation. She very obligingly lets them coo over her and stroke her cheeks and trace the charming little dimple that appears when she laughs so widely her eyes scrunch up into little crescents like Jaebum's. Jinyoung doesn't seem to feel awkward as well, bowing to them as respectfully as he can with Dabin's heft in his arms.

Jaebum quickly relieves him of her weight, worried he's tired out from the activity, and Jinyoung wraps his arms around his back gratefully from behind, a gesture ambiguous enough it could pass as friendly but Jaebum knows is an undeniable caress. They have grown used to this, disguising their gestures of affection in front of strangers before they know whether they will be judged or discomfit others. Of course, most people like this elderly couple appear open-minded and accepting at first glance but one can never tell for sure.

 

The couple doesn't seem to notice or remark on their intimacy, even when Jinyoung drapes himself over Jaebum's back floppily, hooking his chin over his shoulder in a smothering backhug as he banters and flirts with the elders. Jaebum always teases Jinyoung for not being able to resist "converting" every senior he passes into part of his burgeoning fanclub, but he secretly loves Jinyoung's unfailing respectfulness and filial piety to all his elders, how there is not one _hyung, noona, ahjussi, ahjumma, haraboji_ or _halmonie_ Jinyoung is not on good terms with. Especially Jaebum (ha ha).

After awhile, they all fall into a comfortable and companionable silence, just enjoying the breeze and the gentle afternoon sunlight peeking through the clouds and warming their skins. The old couple seem to be tired out easily but although they only just met a short while ago, there's no awkwardness between the five of them at all. Passersby might even think they're a family.

Jaebum can't help wondering if such a family outing will be possible with his and Jinyoung's parents one day. Just a mundane trip to a neighbourhood park would suffice to make an utterly perfect memory to be cherished for the rest of eternity.

He doesn't know yet, of course. He can't, since technically both their sets of parents don't know about Dabin or their relationship yet.

But at the same time, he does know. He knows because he has known his parents his entire life, and Jinyoung's almost as long, and if there's anything they have in common it's their love for their sons, the jewels in the crowns of their families. Both him and Jinyoung had been extremely doted on growing up, by each other's parents too.

And from what he knows of the four elders, he is almost absolutely certain that they will accept their relationship wholeheartedly for Jaebum and Jinyoung. Maybe at first, initially, they might be worried about the backlash Jaebum and Jinyoung would face, the difficulties in their conservative society, the inability to register their marriage as a legitimate couple in their country. But the more he thinks about it, the more reassuringly confident he feels that they will come around ultimately.

 

Jaebum realises he has been sitting for a long time, while Jinyoung has been standing, his joints most certainly aching from bending to backhug Jaebum. But when he tries to get up, Jinyoung quietly pushes him down, instinctively and effortlessly sensing his intentions.

He doesn't know what it is -- maybe a combination of all these unbearably warm people surrounding him, bracketing him in; and how much the affirmation of two obviously big-hearted but still unknown strangers means to him. All of a sudden he feels swamped with emotion, overwhelmed with it. His daughter in his arms and Jinyoung behind him, encompassing him securely in his embrace, while beside him the elderly couple he just met but already trusts unconditionally are a serene and calm presence.

He has no idea what makes him blurt out, as if the filter on his mouth is defective:

"I just -- don't know if I'm doing the right thing, heading in the right direction with... with her. I _do_ know that I'm not spending enough time on her, with her, not putting in enough effort and being there enough and I know I'll regret it in future; that it will affect her growth negatively but I just can't help it -- I don't know what to _do_ sometimes. I feel like I'm on a balance beam and I don't know how to divide my time, to proportion it out so it's the right amount, and I'm so stressed; I just wish I had twenty-five hours a day--"

He breaks off awkwardly, voice cracking, and Jinyoung's concerned hand touches his shoulder, tightening. The old couple are gazing at him with serious and pensive eyes, looking startled by his outburst and intense outpouring of emotions but accepting it with equanimity, not seeming that surprised.

It makes him feel slightly better, inexplicably reassured at the thought that what he is facing is normal -- that he isn't a completely abysmal excuse of a father and a failure through and through.

Jinyoung's body is tense behind him as he leans back, letting him rub circles into the nape of his neck. Jaebum can sense his concern, his questions, knowing he is wondering why Jaebum never told him he was under so much pressure. But he realises that he himself hadn't known the extent, till he voiced it out. He could never verbalize or spell his worries out in words, because they seemed so formless and trivial, not worth taking up anyone's time.

 

Never feeling like good enough -- it seems like a constant pattern in his life, a recurring emotion. Despite the lengths he goes to to control all aspects, he still finds himself blindsided at the most random times, and although he knows Jinyoung and the rest of his friends feel that he always handles problems and obstacles well, even admire his tenacity and composure and bravery, he never feels like the hero they make him out to be, the hyung worthy of their respect. He always feels like he's not living up to the person he should be.

Not good enough a student; then a father; and now a lover. Despite all of Jinyoung's reassurances, like any other human being, Jaebum is a harsher critic on himself than anyone else could ever be.

Maybe that's another of the reasons he loves Jinyoung: because Jinyoung never judges him; but only accepts him unconditionally with more forgiveness than Jaebum deserves towards his shortcomings. It's addictive, being accepted and embraced like that. Jaebum thinks he's probably been addicted to this feeling for longer than he could ever imagine.

 

He is brought back to the present by Jinyoung making an affectionately exasperated noise under his breath.

"Don't listen to him," Jinyoung softly tells the elderly couple, half in jest but half seriously. "He's a much better father than he makes himself out to be, I can attest to that." He looks at Jaebum as he says, "He tries his best."

Jaebum swallows, aching with gratitude at Jinyoung's neverending reassurance, but he lowers his head and mumbles, "My best isn't enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this update is slightly late because i had to take a short break from the fic as i was feeling kinda burnt out haha. thank you to my readers for your patience and warm encouragement and support, and also for being very kind about my sloppy writing and too nice to point out some inconsistencies in the last few chapters i spotted while rereading :)


	18. Chapter 18

As they stroll home in the late afternoon, Dabin strapped to Jinyoung's shoulders this time, they both lapse into a pensive silence.

Jaebum knows what's on Jinyoung's mind intuitively -- that he is feeling disappointed in himself that he hasn't noticed what's been bothering Jaebum, and frustrated with Jaebum for not giving himself enough credit. But he also knows that it would be pointless to try and dissuade Jinyoung for reproaching himself, because he's just like Jaebum deep down -- unable to believe that he's already a good enough lover, a good enough friend; exactly what Jaebum wants and needs without a single lacking.

But the thoughtfulness Jaebum feels is a significantly lighter one than before, and just because of a few seemingly insignificant words from the two elderly strangers they had parted with after around half an hour without exchanging phone numbers or even names or asking if they would meet again. If fate permits, they will probably have the fortune to see each other again around in the park or neighbourhood. But even if it doesn't, Jaebum knows he will carry their words with him for the rest of his life.

The old woman had simply replied wisely, "We don't know you, so obviously we don't have the right to judge objectively whether you're doing a good job. But she looks like an extremely well-adjusted and happy child, without any worries and in good health. And the most important thing is to remember that you are still young. So young. And she's even younger. It's just the beginning of your family, so you mus'nt give up or lose hope. Even if you do make mistakes, I'm sure your family and daughter will forgive you because they know you're trying your best to be a good father. And you have all the time in the world to repair them, to make amends. You have the rest of your lives ahead of you, especially her. She's like a blank piece of white paper, and as her father, you mus'nt be scared to fill her with colour."

It was the most the old woman had spoken at once, and she looked worn out from the effort of talking, but her eyes were kind and in that instant, Jaebum felt his cares lift off on his shoulders, put into perspective by her sympathetic and compassionate advice.

Of course, old people were always the wisest and most experienced. Jaebum has been too near-sighted, only looking back over his shoulders at his mistakes and shortcomings and the things he had done wrong. He has been too preoccupied with that to realise that he still has the chance to be a good father. More chances than he deserves and could ever imagine.

The old man hadn't added his own thoughts but he gazed adoringly at his wife like he couldn't have phrased his feelings a single word better. And as they parted ways, wishing each other a good afternoon and a pleasant day, he patted Jaebum's hand reassuringly.

"Everything is going to turn out just fine," he said softly in his raspy voice, a twinkle making his dull eyes sparkle. "Trust grandpa."

"Thank you, grandpa," Jaebum answered, voice thick and covered his hand with his own. The address slipped from his lips as easily as if the man was his real grandfather and Jaebum felt glad that they had decided to come on this trip to the park and happened to meet the elderly couple, and received such insight and encouragement from them. He strongly believes that the next time he sees them, he will be able to smile at them confidently and tell them that they were right, that he is no longer ashamed to call himself a good parent.

 

When they get home in the evening Jackson thankfully seems mollified by the coupon and apology note, though he still demands to know if the condoms were used, seeming still inordinately squicked out regarding this issue.

Jinyoung snorts, unable to resist his natural snark from surfacing despite their reconciliation.

"I should think you would know what a used condom looks like. Unless... you and Mark hyung don't use them when you do it." He raises amusedly glinting eyes towards Mark.

"Shut up, Park Jinyoung!" Jackson immediately shouts, stepping between them. "It's none of your business. And I'm the only one who's allowed to make Markiepoo blush." He wraps possessive arms and legs around Mark, who makes a halfhearted attempt to peel his pet barnacle off.

 

A few weeks later on another Sunday, the other five boys spring a surprise on them by declaring they will take Dabin off their hands for one day so Jaebum and Jinyoung can have a little alone time for once.

Jinyoung exchanges disbelieving and thrilled glances with him. They never find Dabin's presence a bother at all, but it's true they haven't had any moments with just the two of them since the night they slept together for the first time.

"Are you sure?" Jaebum still protests when Youngjae reaches out to lift Dabin out of his arms, reluctant to hand over his daughter and already missing her.

Mark ruffles his hair affectionately, and fishes a day pass for six to Lotte World from his pocket. "Yeah, worrywart. We've already bought tickets."

It finally convinces Jaebum to let Dabin go and stop being anxious about her well-being all the time when he doesn't have his eyes on her. He knows she will be well taken care of under the watchful and loving supervision of her five favourite uncles.

"Thanks, guys," Jaebum mumbles awkwardly, feeling a rush of gratitude towards his friends whose clowning around and antics hides five always surprisingly warm and thoughtful hearts. "I really appreciate it."

"Me too," Jinyoung agrees emphatically, and this time instead of ribbing them for once their friends choose to be mature.

"You've earned it, hyung," Yugyeom replies simply, placing an arm around Youngjae's shoulder which Dabin grabs and immediately tries to bite.

Yugyeom yelps and Youngjae's trademark laugh fills the room, lightening all of their moods at once.

"Are you hungry, baby?" he coos to Jaebum's daughter in the aegyo voice he never shows any of them except her, tickling her cheeks with his finger. He raises her carefully above her head and lets her fly like an airplane, a trick none of them except him have managed to master, then lowers her to ride on his shoulders as she grabs his hair into adorable tufts which elicit a choked noise from Yugyeom's throat. "Do you want Uncle Youngjae to feed you some candy?"

"No candy!" Jaebum's outraged protest is drowned out by Dabin's cheers of, "Yes! Candy! Uncle Youngjae!" and Yugyeom's jealous complaints as he trails at their heels of, "Hyung! You promised not to call anyone except me _baby_!"

 

Jaebum fully expects that a rare full day to themselves would be spent engaging in the same steamy sexual adventures and sheanigans as they did the last time.

He could never have dreamt that they would, instead and feeling the whole time that they are wasting a precious opportunity (especially when the five boys send them adorable selfies of Dabin wearing Minnie Mouse ears and the rest of them headbands of other Disney characters, coupled with outrageously dirty and suggestive captions asking what base Jaebum and Jinyoung have gotten to already by now which are just wrong in every way to see beneath his daughter's innocent face), spend the day just indulging in each other's platonic company like old friends, doing all the things they used to love doing in their longtime friendship like watching movies while feeding each other sinfully buttery popcorn, talking about the latest books they're reading, and listening to Jinyoung play the electric piano in his room as Jaebum occasionally chimes in with off-tune singing.

As the last of the afternoon light fades, they don't turn on the lights in the house, instead drawing the curtains for a dim and dreamy atmosphere which Jinyoung effortlessly turns romantic by lighting up some thick scented candles whose cozy orange glow throws puddles of hazy light around the living room, transformed again just by Jinyoung's presence and his warmth against Jaebum as he presses the length of his body against him and they sway to the album Jinyoung has put on the stereo system.

They slow-dance to Eternal Flame by The Bangles, waltzing with their hands intertwined with each other. Jaebum even spins Jinyoung under his arm playfully and clumsily at the climax of the song, and Jinyoung giggles as he lets Jaebum dip him into a kiss. It feels more private and intimate than making love somehow, something they wouldn't do except when they are completely alone.

Then Jaebum places one hand on the small of Jinyoung's back, the other on his waist and Jinyoung braces his against Jaebum's chest and they just shuffle to the rest of the song, Jinyoung's eyes pinpricks of bright warmth in the encroaching shadows flickering over them.

_Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling_   
_Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand?_   
_Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming?_   
_Is this burning an eternal flame?_

 

When the six other occupants of their house return, sweaty and flushed and blissfully exhausted from their day out but brimming with stories of great fun and adventures for them, Jaebum and Jinyoung have prepared a home-cooked dinner for them like parents, the kitchen table laden with Jinyoung's signature dishes that Jaebum had lovingly helped him with. The five boys gasp in delight and hungrily take their seats, immediately digging in with choruses of praise for Jinyoung's culinary skills.

Only Dabin's arms are still locked around Jaebum's neck from the koala hug she has clung to him in since she rushed back into his crouching embrace the moment they stepped into the house, her loyalty to her father so strong she doesn't even succumb to the allure of food although she licks her lips longingly as Jinyoung smiles at her, uncovering the special smaller serving on her Minions plate he has ladled out for her on the table of her baby chair and Jaebum laughs, carrying her over.

 

The end of their idyll in this unlikely utopia arrives just as unexpectedly as it started, in the form of a seemingly harmless ringing of his phone.

Jaebum's heart does the backflip it usually does at the words "Caller Unknown", but he dismisses the worry. After all, he had lucked out the past few times, and it's been so long...

"Hello?" he says, not pausing in the highlighting of the notes he's studying.

"Jaebum oppa?" There is a pause as the long-unheard but unmistakable voice brings with it a flood of memories and makes his heart lurch to a sickening halt, his highlighter slipping from his fingers. "It's... Sooyeon."

"..."

"Are you still there?" Sooyeon sounds confused after the pregnant silence in which Jaebum struggled to find his voice. "Hello? Oppa?"

"... Y-yes. W-what..."

"How is she?"

Sooyeon doesn't specify who, but she doesn't need to. There's only one person she can be talking about. Jaebum takes pity on her voice sounding apologetic and helpless and worried at the same time, and grunts, "She's fine. I'm taking care of her. Don't worry." He hears a gasp of relief on the other end of the phone.

"Jaebum... I'm so sorry for everything. I should never have left Dabin on your doorstep like that, without a word. I'm such an irresponsible mother. I've felt so bad --"

"Dabin." Jaebum cuts her off with one hushed word.

"... What?"

"So her name is really Dabin." His laugh sounds strangled, breathless.

Sooyeon sounds breathless when she answers softly too. "Of course. What else could it be? ... Oh right, I forgot I didn't mention it in my note. How did you guess then?"

"It doesn't matter." Jaebum knows he sounds cold, but he can't bring himself to be warm towards who he sees as the person contending for his daughter's custody, his rival.

"Are you still mad at me for not telling you I was pregnant?" Sooyeon's voice sounds teary.

"Yes," Jaebum replies curtly again.

An awkward silence falls.

But he adds reluctantly, softening somewhat, "But I... understand your actions. I think."

"Thank you, oppa," Sooyeon gushes. "I felt so guilty, hiding it from you... but I was so shocked and afraid when I got pregnant, and my friends advised me to keep it a secret until I decided whether I wanted her. But there was never any doubt in my mind from the start... not just because she was yours, but because she was mine too. And I never regretted giving birth to her, even though it was difficult and I was all alone. It killed me to have to lower my pride and ask you to help me take care of her temporarily when I ran out of money and was close to failing out of school, but... I had to. Can you ever... forgive me for not telling you about her till then? I swear I was planning to, but I just kept chickening out when I thought that you might try and take her from me... but I always planned to tell her who her father was. And when I found out I was pregnant... we were close to breaking up and I didn't... want it to be a dealbreaker. I thought it would make us both unhappy and complicate things if I tried to tie you to me with a kid."

"Sooyeon..." Jaebum's voice is gruff with his own heart in his throat as he says her name for the first time in years. "You're an idiot."

"Jaebum..." Sooyeon is crying audibly now, because even though there are no more feelings between them, she still hasn't forgotten that when Jaebum says those three words, he means _I forgive you._

"I'm sorry. You should have told me. Even if we had broken up, we could have worked something out together. But... now that you explained everything, I understand. I understand why you felt you had to do it, so don't beat yourself up about it anymore, Sooyeon-ah."

"..."

"You've suffered so much, all by yourself. You were so brave, and you're a good mother. Thank you... for bringing Dabin into the world. She's so beautiful, just like you. And such a good child. You brought her up well. I'm glad you decided to tell me in the end, even though I wish it was earlier. And I... I can't imagine the world without her in it. Sooyeon, I... I love her."

Jaebum flushes at his words, saying the word _love_ out loud, to Sooyeon whom he only ever spoke it once to, and years ago. His heart hasn't stopped pounding since the beginning of the call, and he can hear the naked plea undisguised by the three words: _Don't take her away from me._

 _Let me keep her_.

The wrenching sobs Sooyeon has dissolved into on the other end of the line tell Jaebum that he was right to say these words to her, that no one has probably ever told her what a good mother she is. And although they may seem insignificant, Jaebum has learnt as a parent that this acknowledgment is something that is, sometimes, vital to hear before parents can forgive and come to terms with themselves. Sooyeon losing her composure and breaking down like this reminds Jaebum of something he has forgotten: that she is human too, merely a frail woman. A woman he once loved.

"I miss her so much. The first days after I left her were so hard; I cried myself to sleep every night and my friends had to stop me from going to take her back because I would only make her suffer with me in poverty," Sooyeon blubbers. "She must have grown so much, while I wasn't there. I wonder if she still remembers her _umma_. Do you have any pictures? Can you send me some?"

"I will. And I'm sure she does," Jaebum reassures her gruffly. "She... asks for you sometimes." It kills him to admit it, but he has to be honest.

"Really?" Sooyeon gasps, and he can hear the smile in her voice even over the phone. "Thank you, Jaebum-ah. Thank you for helping me to look after her. There aren't many men as responsible as you, but I knew I could trust you and ask you for help. I knew you would be the person who would take the best care of her and I didn't have to worry. Even though we didn't work out... I always knew you were a good man."

Jaebum makes a choked noise in his throat.

"And... thank you for saying I'm a good mother, even though I'm not. And knowing how much pain I went through to give birth to her. It makes it all worth it, to hear you say this now. And I'm so happy... you love her as much as I do. I knew you would, but I was still afraid... I'm glad you don't find her a burden, even though her parents aren't together. Jaebum-ah," she hesitates, "I'm seeing somebody, someone I can see myself marrying. I told him about Dabin, and he doesn't mind. He's willing to take care of her as his own. And... I've solved my financial problems, and I'll be graduating soon. Can I... have Dabin back?"

Jaebum hisses in pain, then looks down, surprised to find his right hand balled into a tight fist, fingernails digging crescents into his palm which have started bleeding.

It's a physical effort that takes all the strength and self-control in his body to restrain himself from shouting _No_ , even though every cell in his body is screaming the word deafeningly. He tries to talk himself down like Jinyoung would, to make sense of the situation and convince himself that this doesn't mean losing Dabin. It can't. Sooyeon is her mother, the person who gave birth to her and has an undeniable right to her. It would be unfair, inhuman of him to deprive Dabin of her mother and Sooyeon of her child and Jaebum would never, ever do that.

And Jaebum is her father -- he now fully lets go of the last few doubts the months haven't managed to strip him of -- so he also has a lawful claim to her which he would fight for if he needed to but he hopes he never will. He wants more than anything to protect Dabin from such nasty power wrestling, hopes she will never have to be saddened by her parents fighting over her. Of course, Sooyeon must not mean to take Dabin away from him completely. It's impossible. He's just misinterpreting the words _have Dabin back_ , reading too much into them.

"Jaebum?" Sooyeon prompts, sounding hesitant and a little worried now too. Jaebum knows how she feels, but she has no idea how he does.

"I'm her father too," is what comes out of his mouth instead, his voice harsh and defensive. "You can't take her away from me."

There. The words are out now. On the other end of the line, he hears Sooyeon stunned into momentary silence, seemingly startled that Jaebum has formed such a strong attachment to her, that he might be a threat to her in terms of their daughter's custody. He feels slightly irritated that she thinks he would have just let Dabin go, like this. That he wouldn't have fallen as deeply and hopelessly for her, as she did.

"I..." Sooyeon fumbles for words. "Jaebum-ah, are you saying that you still want to keep her... even after I can take her back?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Jaebum snaps. "But I don't just want to keep her. I _need_ to keep her." He makes his voice sound firm, indomitable.

Sooyeon is shocked into speechlessness, now that the truth is out. There's nothing to say anyway, since the facts are on the table: They both want to be a big part of Dabin's life, and to take care of her as her parents. Jaebum tries to see this as a good thing. He is aware that things could be worse. They could both not want her; this is unfortunately common in many other parents. They're lucky, the three of them. This is not a loss; it's a gain, and most importantly for Dabin.

As for him... he's not going to lose Dabin -- because he's never going to let go. It's as simple as that.

 

"I see," Sooyeon finally says after a long pause, sounding unnerved. "That's... very nice of you. Dabin is lucky. I'm glad she won't have to live without a father, even though her parents aren't married. You're... a good father too, oppa."

Jaebum relaxes a little at Sooyeon's tone and softens at her compliments, but remains on his guard.

"What are you --" he corrects himself with an effort, "-- _we_ going to do?"

Sooyeon thinks over it, and sounds businesslike when she replies, but not unkind. "I guess we'll have to work out an arrangement."

"..."

"This is the best thing for Dabin, Jaebum-ah," Sooyeon adds. "We'll make it work. For her."

And just like that, things slide into place. Because Jaebum realises that by vying with Sooyeon for her custody, he hadn't been thinking about Dabin. He had selfishly been thinking of only himself, how he would feel and how he would deal, how he couldn't live without Dabin. When Sooyeon is right -- what they should be thinking of most right now, always, is Dabin's happiness and her best interests. All their needs as parents should fall by a wayside, with her as their priority. That's what parenthood means. And maybe he won't be able to live with her as much any longer, won't be able to see her twenty-four hours a day, every day -- but that's what parenthood entails: sacrifice.

All that matters is that Dabin is happy. Jaebum would do anything to make Dabin happy, would go to the ends of the earth. And Dabin needs a mother too. Her mother. She _wants_ her mother, has often told Jaebum so. Dabin is such a defenseless and vulnerable child, so very young. She deserves as much as any other child to have both her parents, now that she can never have a complete family with both her biological parents.

He should be relieved that Sooyeon is being so understanding, that she is being a good mother considerate of Dabin's emotional health too. As the mother, she would naturally have more rights and could make things difficult for Jaebum if she wanted to. He is glad she approves of Jaebum being involved in his daughter's life, that she seems willing to make concessions and be persuaded to let Jaebum have her for more time if he asks reasonably.

In this moment, he lets go of all feelings of threatened rivalry he previously felt for Sooyeon, and drops the last of the coldness and wariness that had been brought about by insecurity in his tone.

"All right," he just says in quiet resignation, and Sooyeon sighs in relief, seeming to calm down too.

"I... want to see her as soon as possible," she says softly, voice tender. "I'm sorry I never visited -- I should have, but I was worried that if I saw her, both me and her wouldn't be able to let go again."

"I... understand."

"Can I come over now? You're still living in the same house, right?"

"Now?" Jaebum's heart jumps into his throat.

"Sorry," Sooyeon whispers, her voice cracking. "I... I can't wait."

"I..." Jaebum tries to search for any reason to say no, but he can't find a single one for the life of him. He can't even claim not to be at home, because he is, and Dabin is lying in his bed hugging his bolster to sleep right behind him, a stone's throw away.

"All right," he eventually says again, knowing Dabin will be thrilled, ecstatic, happier than she's ever been in months when he wakes her and tells her the news -- maybe she might even burst into overjoyed tears -- but not being able to help the sinking of his heart, the niggling fear.

"Thank you, Jaebum oppa," Sooyeon says earnestly, sounding like she means it. "I'll be there in about thirty minutes. Don't tell Dabin, I want to surprise her." Her voice is bubbling over with excitement, with love. Jaebum is happy for his daughter. She has a mother who loves her so much and is going to be reunited with her at last. This is a wonderful day.

 

Jaebum gets to leaden feet after they hang up and casts another helpless glance at a peacefully snoozing and oblivious Dabin, blissfully unaware of how her life has changed and his too. He staggers to the door and opens it quietly, slipping out to the bathroom to splash water on his pale face. He half wishes this was a dream, although he knows that it's been coming for a long time and is good news, but he's just been avoiding thinking about it.

Who is he kidding, though? All the time in the world could never have been sufficient for him to prepare to let go of Dabin, whose presence he has already grown so addicted to that he doesn't know what he'll do with himself if she's not around, getting under his feet and darting between his legs making him trip over her with her mischievous laugh.

When he gets back, his heart drops in confusion to see her no longer on his bed, only the small indentation of her body on his sheets and pillow. He panics, illogically thinking she's already left, that Sooyeon has taken her and gone without his knowledge somehow, but then he hears the achingly familiar tinkle of bright laughter silvering up the stairs and his heart soars in relief. One of the boys must have snuck in and taken her out of his room, because she isn't tall enough to reach the door yet. Jaebum has been marking her rapid growth against the wall of his bedroom with lines in pencil, and now his chest clenches fiercely at the sloppily scratched-out faint lines which read _Dabin, 1 year old; 1 year and 6 months old; 2 years old_.

It's a petty and small-hearted feeling, he knows, based entirely in selfishness, to be bothered about the fact that Dabin will not be entirely his from now on, might not live with him every single day. Especially since Sooyeon has been so magnanimous and gracious, making it clear she will not stand in the way of their father-child relationship. But Jaebum can't help the disappointment and loss that plunges him. He wonders if Dabin will be as reluctant to leave him, if she wants to stay with him.

His world feels like it's tilting on its axis again, and Jaebum thinks the first thought he always does at these times, the only word that anchors his universe.

 _Jinyoung_.

He needs to go and get Dabin, to dress her and comb her hair and prepare her and to look presentable himself, clean himself up so he appears like a reliable father -- but first, he needs to go and tell Jinyoung.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Jaebum exits Jinyoung's room, Jinyoung's hand on his shoulder, and they descend the stairs together hand in hand. Jinyoung had taken the news stoically but his eyes were keen on Jaebum, dark with quiet concern as he took Jaebum's hand in the firm grip of his larger one and hasn't let go since. It's comforting and reassuring, even though Jinyoung hasn't said anything much other than to interrupt and ask for details as Jaebum told him about their conversation.

Despite his sombre mood, Jaebum's heart can't help the familiar buoying it always leaps up in unfailingly cheered by Dabin's mere presence, her sweet angel's voice and her loving, childish cries of "Appa! Appa!" She had beaten out Jackson as the _aegyo_ king in their frat some time back and her favourite target for acting cute towards is none other than her father.

Dabin is sitting on the floor in the middle of the living room, surrounded her her doting entourage of Mark, Jackson and Bambam. She doesn't fly into his arms immediately as she usually does, distracted by Jackson engaging her in her favourite activity: playing house with her dolls and tea set. Her expression is utter seriousness as beside him, Mark's attention is snatched away from Jackson for once by the only person who is able to. He only has eyes for her as he tries to steal her attention away from Jackson, calling her _Baobei_ even as from behind her Bambam protests: "Hey, don't teach my future wife Chinese!"

"You're just jealous because she's better at it than Thai." Mark sticks out his tongue at Bambam as Jackson adds hotly in outrage, "When did my goddaughter become your future wife anyway?"

Bambam makes a dismissive sound and waves his hand. "None of those other boys are good enough for our little princess except the Thai prince, Kunpimook Bhuwakul. I have to ask Jaebum hyung to bethrothe her to me early. Dabin-ah, you want to marry Bambam oppa when you grow up, right?" He takes her little hand in his own, which envelops it entirely.

Jackson snatches her hand away immediately, to Bambam's heartbreak. "Get outta here. When she's grown up you'll be almost forty."

Under Jackson's bulging eyes, Dabin can only shake her head mischievously, softening her rejection with a charming giggle. Bambam looks crushed.

"Okay," he pretends to sob brokenly. "I guess I'll just teach you Muay Thai to defend youself against bad boys then. Remember, all boys are wolves," he intones seriously as Mark slaps him upside the head. "Well-said, but isn't it a little early to be teaching her this?"

 

Beside Jaebum, Jinyoung can't help laughing incredulously at their ridiculous antics, shaking his head. He covers his mouth apologetically when Jaebum sees him, but Jaebum squeezes his hand tighter and lets himself smile too. He steps towards his daughter. All he wants right now is to put the hugest smile in the world on that precious face, and he knows without a doubt that in fifteen minutes he will manage to.

"Oh good, you're here." Jackson looks up, still looking miffed. "Get this perv away from my goddaughter, he's trying to rob the cradle."

Bambam is looking attacked when Dabin says something to him in Thai, which none of them understands but apparently makes sense because Bambam lights up, crowing in triumph at Mark, "See, I told you her Thai is better than her Chinese!"

"All of you stop arguing," Jackson cuts in imperiously. "My baby is obviously best at English and Cantonese."

He fires a rapidfire Cantonese question at her which she replies with something that sounds like jibberish but he nods understandingly, pretending to comprehend. Mark is practically rolling around the floor obnoxiously laughing at his boyfriend's sense of humour again.

Jaebum can't help it -- he laughs. They're wasting precious time and it will most certainly throw a wet blanket on all their moods once he reveals the news, but he can't help lingering into the present and not wanting to step into the future. It's just so lovely and ephemeral, this moment, that he wishes he could stop time here again; and has to tell himself that it won't be the last perfect moment they will all spend together. Not by a long shot.

"All of you are wrong," he says, walking up and bending into a crouch behind his daughter, brushing her hair back from her face with a gentle hand. Without hesitation, she turns around with a blinding smile and reaches for him, arms winding around his neck comfortably. Sweetly, she kisses his cheek. They all get hugs from her -- but so far, Jaebum is the only one who has managed to get kisses. Even at her young age, Dabin knows just how to make him feel special.

"Our daughter's best language is obviously going to be Korean," Jinyoung finishes his sentence, winking and doing something behind Jaebum's head to Dabin's face that makes a giggle tinkle into his ear. But secretly, it's one of the things he's inordinately proud of -- that Dabin has proven to be remarkably gifted at picking up languages, aided by the fact that she has such a multinational lineup of uncle-teachers. For sure, she will grow up into the sophisticated lady they all hope her to be with a command of more than five languages and dialects (Jinyoung and Youngjae have been pretty faithful about their Satoori and Mokpo accent tutoring too). And apparently, skilled in Thai martial arts too.

 

"We need to talk about DNA tests," Jaebum says in an undertone to Sooyeon, just before she leaves for the day with Dabin she had pleaded with Jaebum for. Paired with his daughter's puppy eyes and the way she had flown into her mother's arms faster than any of them had known she could run, bawling with instant recognition and no hint of reproach for her long absence at all, and hasn't stopped clinging to her like a koala to a tree since, Jaebum couldn't say no.

Sooyeon looks up, eyes confused first then sharpening with comprehension.

"I didn't sleep with anyone else except you until after Dabin was born, so I think there's no question who her father is."

Jaebum feels like a dick. "I didn't mean that," he says, softening his tone. "It's just... I don't know, at first I didn't believe it completely, but now I'm a hundred per cent certain, too. I can just feel it. But... I guess I assumed we would get the tests from a long time ago, so I would know for sure. I... was afraid to form an attachment otherwise. It's nice to know that she's definitely mine, though. And you're right -- it isn't necessary now that I've heard it from you."

Sooyeon looks less testy too. "I know you didn't," she says more gently. "And I understand how you feel. If you really want to, I don't mind her going. It's just... most children are afraid of needles. It's up to you, though."

"I think they can just do it by swabbing your mouth nowadays," Jaebum replies. "I'll check it out and think about it."

"Let me know when you decide." Sooyeon smiles.

 

Dabin's exact birthdate was one of the first questions he asked Sooyeon, and he felt gratified to hear that it's close to the makeshift one they had approximated, almost nine months after the night they slept together.

"You made a pretty close guess," Sooyeon marvels, and Jaebum swells with pride.

"Just call it father's intuition," he jokes.

 

Sooyeon returns Dabin to the frat house later that night, soothing Jaebum's hours of anxiety. But his ex-girlfriend comes back the next day and then the next too, rushing to the house after school like one of the boys. Dabin lights up like a lightbulb every time she sees her mother with genuine and artless happiness, crying out, "Umma!" and starting to chatter like a bullet as she tells her mother in barely coherently strung together words and actions about her day.

Jaebum feels an ominous foreboding of unease building in the pit of his stomach, but he shares his daughter with his ex as graciously and happily as he can.

And when a week later, Sooyeon tentatively asks Jaebum if she can take Dabin to live with her temporarily, just like during their call, the only thing stopping Jaebum from yelling "No!" and wrenching the girl from her arms are Dabin's eyes on his, wide with pleading and her sweet, high voice imploring, "Please, appa?"

 

Once, such a very long time ago it seems like another lifetime entirely, Jaebum had thought that he would feel free, liberated once relieved of his daughter. Now, he realises that he was wrong.

There's no freedom in Dabin's absence at all, only a vast expanse of emptiness.

In the first few days, he had flooded Sooyeon's phone with messages, on an average of once per hour, even when he was in school. The contents of each one were similar, mostly enquiring about what Dabin was doing and where she was, even when Sooyeon was in school herself and Dabin was at her parents' (who she had finally told and promptly burst into tears when they heard they had a long-lost grandchild, but thankfully were sensitive enough not to suggest marriage to Jaebum and Sooyeon) and Sooyeon had replied most of them with remarkable patience and understanding and the photographs and videos Jaebum demanded even though he visited her at her grandparents' house weekly and video-called her the moment he got home from school every day.

Eventually, Jinyoung was the one who put his foot down, telling him he was getting close to pestering Sooyeon and probably irritating her although she was too nice to say so. Jaebum had a feeling he was a little worried about Jaebum reconnecting with his ex-girlfriend, especially since they have a child together, and being in touch so frequently multiple times a day. He had been acquainted with Sooyeon through Jaebum back when they were dating and Sooyeon knows him as Jaebum's best friend so they greeted each other politely on the day she came over to meet Dabin. Jinyoung was courteous enough, but not as disarmingly warm as he usually is with most strangers. Coupled with his quietness since Jaebum told him about the call, Jaebum had wondered if he was feeling a little rivalry himself even back then.

When he asked Jinyoung outright, he hesitated, ears colouring tellingly, but didn't deny.

"Well, she _has_ gotten a lot prettier," he looked down as he mumbled.

"Really?" Jaebum was genuinely surprised. "I didn't notice."

It's true. When he had seen Sooyeon for the first time in more than two years, he had of course noticed that she had matured but he hadn't felt attracted to her at all, although she was as beautiful as always. It's not just her -- Jaebum realises that ever since he fell in love with Jinyoung, he hasn't found any girls -- or guys, for that matter -- he meets attractive at all, no matter how good-looking they are.

Jinyoung blushed, but Jaebum was grateful he looked like he believes him. Jinyoung knows Jaebum would never lie or hide any of his feelings from him. Even when they were just platonic friends, Jaebum always told Jinyoung everything he was thinking.

"Anyway, she told me she has a steady boyfriend," Jaebum said then with a teasing note in his voice, gathering Jinyoung into his arms. "Not that it matters, but it might make you feel better to know."

"It does," Jinyoung whispered back, voice low with relief, and for once lost his usual caution and sucked a hickey into Jaebum's neck at a place impossible to hide except with turtlenecks and which he proceeded to wear with sheepishness through his next meeting with Sooyeon.

 

Now that Dabin has gone to live with her grandparents and Sooyeon (who has moved back from her university dorm to her parents house to spend time with Dabin and make up for the more than a year they lost), Jaebum realises he is finally free. Free to do any of the things he couldn't do when Dabin was around, go back to throwing their notorious frathouse parties.

But he doesn't want to, even though he can. He doesn't have the desire to do any of the things he used to long to do and can do as much as he likes now.

 

On their first anniversary -- one year after the night Jinyoung confessed his feelings to Jaebum -- Jaebum surprises him by taking him to a tattoo parlour which comes recommended from Mark and Jackson.

Jinyoung gasps when Jaebum shows him the tattoo he plans on getting, written on a piece of paper offered by the tattoo artist -- the tattoo Jaebum gently asks if he would be willing to get with him.

"Are you sure?" Jinyoung asks, eyes swimming with tears, and Jaebum doesn't even hesitate a heartbeat before he nods firmly.

"Positive. I meant what I said that night, you know. Cou--" He breaks off and coughs discreetly, glancing at the tattoo artist, who only smiles quietly at him as if he understands and isn't judging. "-- Best friend tattoos," Jaebum finishes, blushing.

Jinyoung sounds breathless as he grasps Jaebum's hands tightly. "Of course, hyung! Of course I would love to get one with you."

Jaebum feels relieved and happier than he has felt since Dabin's departure. "Great," he stammers, his elation overpowering even the fear of the pain since neither of them have ever gotten a tattoo before.

Jinyoung laughs giddily and squeezes his hand. "Don't be afraid, Jaebum hyung," he teases gently. "I'll hold your hand."

"I'm not!"

 

"I-N-E-V-I-T-A-B-L-E," Jinyoung spells out slowly to the tattoo artist once they are seated nervously side by side on reclining chairs with him on a wheeled one between them. After the artist has discussed the meaning of it with them a bit and Jinyoung has explained the definition of the English word, the artist helpfully suggests an idea that might be more unique -- getting half of the word on each of their bodies at a part which they might usually touch, such as their hands so the word would only be complete when it was joined. Also, the pain that they would have to go through would be halved.

"That's actually a brilliant idea," Jinyoung gushes. "Don't you love it?" He nudges Jaebum, who nods, but points out after some thought: "Wouldn't that make one of us have a tattoo of the word _Table_?"

The artist snaps his fingers in realisation as Jinyoung bursts out laughing. "Smart hyung. I hadn't noticed."

But almost as promptly, the artist figures out a way to solve the problem. "What if," his eyes gleam with excitement, "you get the letters tattooed on your lower fingers, just above the knuckles, and I alternate them so when you interlink your fingers it will spell out the word? There's ten letters so it works out perfectly."

Jinyoung's eyes light up. "That's an even more amazing idea! So when we're not holding hands, no one will know what the letters mean. It'll be like a code."

Jaebum's excitement is mounting too. They don't think twice about getting the tattoo on their fingers, because it's a pretty common location to get tattooed these days and they hadn't decided what part of their bodies they wanted to get it on anyway, just that they wanted a unique location.

"Will it hurt, to get it on our fingers?" Jaebum hesitates, not wanting to see Jinyoung suffering pain, even if it's for him.

The tattoo artist smiles. "Not more than any other part of the body," he replies kindly. "Just relax and it'll be over as soon as you know it." He instructs them to lie back. "Who wants to go first?"

Jinyoung hesitates, looking at him, and Jaebum answers first. "Me," he says firmly, giving Jinyoung a quiet smile and knowing that he will feel much better about it and less afraid after he sees Jaebum going through it one time.

Jinyoung smiles back, face flushed with exuberance, and obediently doesn't argue.

 

Jackson and Mark inform Jaebum and Jinyoung proudly that they have been nominated for Campus Couple of 2016 in their university, the first same-sex couple since the formation of the contest.

Jaebum gapes at them. "Who the hell nominated us?" As far as they know, no one at school knows they are dating yet.

Jackson pats his chest smugly. "Yours truly. You're welcome. Just give me a cut of the prize money if you win."

"Does that mean everyone at school knows we're dating now?" Jinyoung freaks out.

Mark shrugs. "You're lucky we're not in the running, or your first place might be threatened."

"We haven't even told our parents yet!" Jinyoung hyperventilates, and Jaebum is relieved this is the source of his anxiety and that he doesn't mind their classmates knowing otherwise. Honestly, he privately feels relieved in some way because then he won't have to worry about other girls (or guys) in their school being attracted to or having designs on Jinyoung anymore. Plenty of people flirt with Jinyoung on a daily basis but he's so clueless and susceptible half the time he doesn't even realise they're trying to hit on him.

Jackson looks as unperturbed as his boyfriend. "Tell them," he advises. "It's not as scary as you think. We already told both our parents and they threw a party."

He slings his arm around Mark, who beams and adds, "They literally flew to meet up and threw it together. Our moms are best friends now."

"Congratulations," Jinyoung says drily, but looks envious of Mark and Jackson's good fortune.

"The more important thing is to tell them about Dabin first," Jaebum mutters under his breath.

"You haven't told your parents about Dabin?" Mark looks genuinely concerned. He takes his phone out of his pocket and places it in Jaebum's hand.

"Don't wait. Do it now," he encourages.

The phone is suddenly slippery in Jaebum's clammy palm, even though he knows he should have done this ages ago and his parents will be saddened to have missed out on the first two years of their first grandchild's life. He looks at Jinyoung, who swallows and looks a shade paler too, but gives him a nod of encouragement, then at Jackson, who looks desperately trying to think of a joke to lighten Jaebum's tension and give him courage.

"Uhh, you can start with...." he imitates Jaebum's voice, "Mom, dad, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

Jinyoung whacks his arm. "Which exactly is the bad news?"

Jackson quickly corrects himself at Jinyoung's glower. "Right. Just say 'Mom, dad, get ready; I have double happiness to announce!'"

Jaebum scowls at his bright grin. "You're not helping," he hisses, but starts nervously dialing the familiar digits of his house phone on Mark's cell phone anyway.

 

At a rare moment alone, Jaebum finds himself fingering the Polaroid of Jinyoung and Dabin in his wallet again, lovingly taken and treasured on Jinyoung's last birthday. Dabin's grin is all missing teeth and disappearing eyes, while Jinyoung looks barely older than her himself, like a little kid with his mischievous crinkle-eyed smile. The only indication that he is her surrogate parent is the gentle skill with which he holds her body up with two large hands and the slightly flirtatious warmth in his eyes, directed towards the photographer. It always makes Jaebum chuckle and remember the way he had winked at Jinyoung from behind the camera, just before he clicked the shutter.

In the past month, he has ran his fingers over the little thumbnail of Dabin's face so many times he thinks he might have worn the photo to blurred smoothness were it not protected by the clear plastic of his wallet slot. Despite his growing schoolwork commitments and the increasing time he needs to devote to studying for the impending final exams, Jaebum finds his days empty now that he doesn't need to rush home to take over his shifts looking after Dabin.

The other boys seem to feel the same, a few of them having rushed back to report for their schedule the first few initial days after Dabin left, and looking so achingly disappointed Jaebum had wanted to give them an uncharacteristic fatherly hug when they remembered.

They had thrown a few parties, the first the weekend after Dabin moved out, to cheer themselves up but although almost as many people came as before, they seemed to have lost their spark, and didn't have nearly as much wild fun as they used to. Their schoolmates seemed to sense their lack of enthusiasm too, and slowly the parties tapered out, maturity seeming to have hit all of them together as they lost interest in the activities they used to love before they met Dabin and took on the responsibility of bringing up a child.

 

Time has flown in the blink of an eye and it's been almost two years since they found Dabin on their doorstep. Unnoticeably, they have all grown up through the last two years, entering the realm of adulthood. Soon, Jaebum and Mark will be graduating too. They have agreed to the younger boys' irresistible pleading to stay on in the frat house even after they finish university, at least for one more year, but Jaebum knows the inevitable separation for all of them can only be delayed for so long. After all, no matter how appealing the prospect is, the seven of them can't live together in the fraternity house forever.

Forever, Jaebum thinks, turning his hand over and studying his fingers, the alphabets in elegant Celtic script spelling I E I A L an inch above his knuckles. Even after all this time, Jinyoung is still the only person in the world who makes him think of forever. Jinyoung, and Dabin.

Forever is a long time. But it's not enough for Jaebum and Jinyoung. Not even close.

Everything ends, even forever. But Jaebum knows he has found something truly transcendent in his love for Dabin and Jinyoung, which he is sure will not end even after they are no longer together. It's how he knows that this, this thing between the three of them, is something that is once-in-a-lifetime. And Jaebum wants to devote every day of the rest of his life to nurturing it.

He never had any grand ambitions, any real purpose in his life before Dabin came into it and he fell in love with Jinyoung. But now, he knows why he's here. To give them happiness and to protect this happiness. _This_ , then is his grand ambition -- to spend every day of the rest of his life putting a smile on these two beloved faces.

There's nothing else Jaebum wants. Nothing more he could ask for. His life is truly complete in every way.

 

Except, maybe --

"Jaebum hyung," he hears a familiar voice behind him, and turns from where he is sitting on the veranda, a smile already aching on his face at Jinyoung's approaching presence and warmth-filled voice.

"I have a surprise for you," Jinyoung says softly.

Jaebum sits up, heart starting to quicken. "What is it?" he asks hoarsely.

The words are barely out of his mouth before Jinyoung steps aside, smiling, and Dabin launches out from behind him like a cannonball, hurtling at full speed for Jaebum.

Jaebum's gasp catches in his throat and he barely has time to open his arms and get to shaky feet before Dabin is taking a running leap to wrap her arms and legs around his body like a clinging vine. She peppers wet kisses all over his face like an overaffectionate puppy and squeezes him in a bone-crushing hug.

"Whoa, whoa!" Jaebum laughs, although he is enjoying it and close to tears of joy himself. "Look who's here, it's my Dabinnie! Are you here to visit, _aegi_?"

He is surprised to lift his head and see Sooyeon approaching a few steps after. "Oppa," she says, and Jinyoung's smile doesn't slip the way it's done every time she called Jaebum this before.

"Sooyeon-ah. How are you?" Jaebum asks awkwardly.

"Fine. And you?"

"Good." Jaebum clears his throat, hoisting Dabin up more steadily with strong arms. Carrying Dabin around has given him more prominent muscles than any body-building ever has, to Jinyoung's admiration and delight. He is glad to see that she seems healthy and well-fed, her skin radiant with health and hair tied up in two adorable little ponytails. He notices the miniature backpack Jackson had tearfully helped her wear the day she left the frat house, fastening the seven Dream Knight dolls to it with keychains. They had kept the Dabin doll in her cot in the nursery because it looked too big and empty otherwise. She hasn't taken a single of them off and now they still hang proudly from her bag, swinging merrily and weighing it down.

"You didn't tell me she's visiting today. I would've gotten ready --"

"It's not a visit," Sooyeon interrupts. Her voice catches, and her eyes look slightly distraught but she forces herself to go on. "Dabin wanted -- she wants to live with you again."

Jaebum's breath catches in his throat, his wide eyes moving to Jinyoung who gives him a steady nod, smiling quietly.

He looks down at his daughter to confirm this unbelievable revelation. "Dabin-ah, do you want to... stay with appa?"

Dabin pulls her face back from Jaebum's chest where she has nuzzled into and been inhaling his scent deeply and pressing her ear against his heartbeat and she... she nods.

The fire in her eyes, the undeniable certainty reminds Jaebum of someone. It takes a breathless heartbeat before he realises -- she reminds him of himself.

Sooyeon wipes her eyes with her fingers, seeming moved by the bond Dabin obviously feels for Jaebum too. The love with which she gazes at their daughter makes Jaebum suspect that just like him -- all of them -- Sooyeon has a hard time saying no to anything Dabin sweetly asks for too.

"She misses you," Sooyeon says, voice wobbly. "She's been asking about you every day, even though you often call. I can tell... how much she loves you."

Jaebum looks up in surprise, and the accepting, quiet gratitude in Sooyeon's makes him blink away a prickle too. It feels like Sooyeon finally understands... that Jaebum adores Dabin as much as she does. That he can't live without her too.

Unexpectedly, she turns to Jinyoung. "She mentions you too," Sooyeon admits shyly. "All of her uncles. She misses all of you."

Jinyoung smiles shakily. "Everyone misses her too. Every day."

Dabin seems to understand him effortlessly, beaming her gap-toothed smile at him and reaching out her stubby arms till Jinyoung steps closer.

Dabin sighs in contentment against Jaebum's shoulder, her little fists closing in his shirt, and he tightens his arms around her with his heart pounding and inhales her familiar and unaccountably comforting scent of talcum powder and baby lotion. Her warm, silken skin and sweet weight in his arms feel like coming home.

 

"Actually..." Sooyeon admits, "I was reluctant to let Dabin come back, at first. It hasn't been long enough since she came to live with me... far from enough, and I pleaded with her to stay with me. I felt she was too young to decide, that it was just a temporary childish whim and a moment of missing you that would pass. But she asked every day for a week, and I had to give in. She promised that she would come back to live with me soon, but that she... missed her appa terribly. In the end, it was this picture she drew --" Sooyeon rummages in her handbag for a piece of drawing paper, "-- that convinced me."

Jaebum and Jinyoung step closer immediately, Dabin withdrawing her face from his shoulder slightly again to look too.

It's one of the crayon drawings she loves working on and is able to whittle away hours colouring away diligently on, sketching the usual childish drawings of their house, her toys, cartoon characters, stick figures of them, and fruits and flowers.

This time, Dabin has drawn their frat house on the left half of the paper with a simple triangle and square and windows, a chimney they don't have which makes Jaebum laugh. Above them are the sky clumsily coloured blue with clouds and a bright yellow sun. On the right half of the paper, she has drawn four stick figures, standing beside the house. Jaebum chuckles when he sees the tallest one with two moles above his eyes.

"Who can this be?" he teases Dabin, who giggles and hides her eyes behind her hands. He hadn't known that the only other person in the world besides his best friend who noticed and loved his moles would be his daughter -- but he's not surprised.

He recognizes Sooyeon by her hairstyle standing beside the Dabin stick figure, holding her left hand while Jaebum is holding her left. Her attention to detail is remarkable, because being left-handed Jaebum normally takes her right hand when they are walking, while Sooyeon is right-handed.

But on Jaebum's other side, he sees another male stick figure and squints closer. There are no defining features about this person, nothing that tells him it's Jinyoung, except that he is holding Jaebum's hand -- but somehow, Jaebum just knows with an unshakable certainty that it can't be anyone else.

Call it father-daughter telepathy.

"Is this Uncle Jinyoung?" he asks Dabin gently, looking down at her and pointing at the picture. She looks at Jinyoung who is holding his breath, eyes eager, and nods shyly. The smile he radiates towards her makes her bury her face in Jaebum's shirt again bashfully.

"I asked her why she drew him," Sooyeon says, smiling at both of them and finally seeming less teary. "And guess what? She spoke her first complete sentence. A long one." She meets their eyes and nods emphatically, all seriousness.

"Are you serious?" Jaebum can hardly believe his ears, this double good tidings. Dabin has been able to speak short sentences for some time, but doesn't have the grammar or vocabulary or sentence structure down yet to string together long ones correctly. He realises how much more she has grown since she left. "What was it?"

Sooyeon smiles, and coaxes Dabin to look at her.

"Dabin-ah, tell appa what you said to umma yesterday, about Uncle Jinyoung."

Dabin gazes at Sooyeon with wide, deerlike eyes, then turns them to Jinyoung. Her mother nods encouragingly at her, smiling wider.

"Yes, just tell us again, baby. What did Dabin say when umma asked you why you drew Uncle Jinyoung? You said, 'Because...'"

Sooyeon waits expectantly, and Dabin opens her mouth. Jinyoung leans forward to hear her answer, his eyes glimmering with the same hope and love hammering in Jaebum's heart.

And before all their very eyes, their disbelieving ears, Dabin says the first complete sentence Jaebum has ever heard her say. She looks straight at Jinyoung, and in fluent Korean says, smiling brilliantly:

"You're the sugar to my daddy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt i had to end this before it became even more of a hot mess than it already is and im sorry it kinda fizzled out at the end without a few more ideas i had wanted to write as well as had asked readers to expect (such as the top!jb scene) ever coming to fruition... i guess im just not skilled enough to handle plotting for a fic of this scale yet haha. i might come back to add more chapters of these missing scenes later if i feel like it but for now this saga is completed phew! anyway i still really want to thank all the readers who were with me every step of the way from the beginning; the ones who reached out to and encouraged me through comments; the ones who joined me along the journey; and just as much the readers who will read this at any time in the future! this process was so rewarding and heartwarming to me that it never felt tiring thanks to all of you so just... thank you for the time you devoted to laboriously reading this fic and for loving this verse as much as me. it's been a priceless two months ;;
> 
> ps. a shoutout to kaeypop... just because she's read and enjoyed and recced so many of my fics and given me so much love... i love you :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the confusion but i decided to resume this fic, writing the missing scenes i mentioned from jinyoung's pov. i'm not sure how many chapters it will be extended yet but probably just a few.

Since they learnt about Dabin and Jaebum and Jinyoung's relationship, Jinyoung's parents (mostly his mother) have been calling daily requesting video calls with their surrogate grandchild after they bonded very quickly on their first visit with Jaebum's parents to the frat house and Dabin barely a day after the call. Jinyoung doesn't get tired of fielding their questions and receiving their advice on child raising, his head still reeling at how unexpectedly and relieving easy it had been, and how they had both regretted not doing it earlier and doubting that their parents would ever do anything other than accept them with utmost happiness.

Jaebum's parents call Jinyoung more often too, to both his and Jaebum's amusement. They used to rely on Jaebum for updates about his health and life but nowadays they communicate with him personally, as though having adopted him even more as a son. In the past one and a half years since Dabin came into their lives, he had felt guilty and shifty whenever his own parents called and his worry about letting slip their secret caused him to be uncharacteristically short and monosyllabic when he picked up. He couldn't not answer their calls and call them on a regular basis but they had drifted apart when they sensed he had put up a wall and felt uneasy when they questioned him, though they took him at his word when he said he was just busy with schoolwork.

He still couldn't believe how nervous they had both been the day they dialed Jaebum's parents first using Mark's phone, holding sweaty hands and half-hoping they wouldn't pick up. But Jaebum's mother answered after merely three rings, sounding eager and her voice brightened audibly when she heard Jaebum's voice. He had put the phone on speaker and the four of them exchanged glances, the look on Jaebum's face telling Jinyoung he was just as _not ready_ for this as Jinyoung.

What would he say? What could he possibly say?

_Mom, I'm gay and you have a grandchild?_

_Mom, you have a grandchild and I'm gay?_

Neither option sounded more appealing than Jackson's lame suggestion earlier, which Jaebum thankfully didn't take.

Instead, he just tightened his left hand on Jinyoung's right as Mark helpfully took the phone from his trembling hand to hold it steady and close to his mouth.

Jaebum cleared his throat. "Mom... is dad home too? Can you call him to the phone and put it on speaker? I have something... to tell you guys. Two things, actually."

He met Jinyoung's eyes and Jinyoung gave his hand a supportive squeeze. Jaebum smiled at him, looking pale but determined.

"Sure, honey." Jaebum's mother sounded as loving as Jinyoung had always known her to be, and a little concerned. There was a flurry of noise and his father's voice came through the phone within seconds.

"Jaebum-ah? Is everything all right?"

"Are you okay? Are you in any trouble? You can tell us, darling. We'll do anything to help," his mother added anxiously. They could almost hear both the elders' breaths audibly held over the line.

Jaebum was blinking rapidly and Jinyoung looked away, heart tightening. Mark gave Jaebum an encouraging nod too and Jackson patted his shoulder.

"Mom, dad..." Jaebum's voice was choked up when he spoke again and he sounded like a little boy. "I got Sooyeon pregnant two years ago, before we broke up. I didn't know she gave birth to the child until almost six months later, when she ran into financial trouble and left her on our doorstep. I've been taking care of my... daughter -- Dabin -- for the past year and a half, but she's with Sooyeon now. Mom... I'm sorry I didn't tell you both earlier because I was afraid it would upset you, but... you have a grandchild."

"And --" Jaebum plowed on breathlessly before they could reply, as though he was afraid he would lose his nerve. "Mom, dad... I'm gay. I have a boyfriend."

There was a protracted silence, only static coming over the speaker after Jaebum blurted out his speech, sounding deafeningly loud in their hushed house. They all held their breaths as they waited for his parents' reaction.

Then after a few seconds, they jumped when Jaebum's father's voice came bursting over the phone, sounding frantic as he called his wife's name. "Jaebum-ah, your mother... she got dizzy for a second and had a fainting spell. I'm sorry, but could you call back in a few minutes?"

The line went dead before Jaebum could reply and the awkward silence lengthened in the frat house, Jaebum now looking panicked like he was bitterly regretting his confessions. Mark and Jackson looked grim and subdued too as they all huddled together awaiting Jaebum's parents' reply like prisoners awaiting their court sentence.

Jinyoung's heart was pounding desperately, shallow in his ears. He felt sick and a little faint too as he realised how frightened he was, and how he had no idea what he would do if Jaebum's parents disapproved or were upset about the news. It was only now, on the brink of seeking their approval, that he realised how much it mattered to him and how desperately he wanted it. How desperately he wanted Jaebum's parents' blessings, as well as his own parents'.

This, he realised, had been the reason for their cold feet, the long delay in which they kept procrastinating the unavoidable phone call they had to make.

Whenever he brought this up in the past, Jaebum had tried to reassure him, fruitlessly. "My parents love you," he stated simply.

"As your best friend," Jinyoung would remind him, despondently. He's usually the more chipper and optimistic one among them, the idealist where Jaebum is practical, but even he couldn't be completely confident about this because both their parents' opinions were too important to them.

He couldn't help pessimistically thinking that Jaebum's parents would definitely, even if they didn't say it out, wish that Jaebum had fallen in love with Sooyeon instead, especially when they heard he already had a child with his ex-girlfriend. If only Jaebum and Sooyeon were in love, and Jinyoung wasn't in the picture -- the three of them could have been a flawless, picture-perfect family. For the first time, Jinyoung felt like a person who had barged in. As for love -- it seemed like such a flimsy thing to speak of, in the face of such serious issues. Love could be nurtured, right? Especially when two people already had a child and a reason to be together.

 

But then the five minutes were quickly over and Mark and Jackson were clutching each other's hands too looking like they couldn't stand the suspense as well as Jaebum redialed his parents' number.

They heaved a combined sigh of relief when Jaebum's mother answered, sounding weak but conscious.

"Jaebum-ah, can you call Jinyoung to the phone, please." His mother's voice sounded exhausted, but with an edge of panic as if grasping at straws.

"Mom... he's the one --" Jaebum started, but Jinyoung cut in, unable to bear him continuing.

"I'm right here, auntie. Are you okay?"

"Jinyoung-ah?" Jaebum's mother sounded immensely relieved, and very bewildered. "I'm fine, thank you. W-what Jaebummie said... is it -- true?" Jaebum's mother sounded stricken, unable to even repeat Jaebum's revelations. "That boy isn't playing one of those nasty April fool's jokes on us, is he?"

"Honey, it's long past April," they heard Jaebum's father's patient voice in the background.

Jinyoung hesitated. "Yes, it's true," he forced out.

There was an audible gasp, murmured conversation they couldn't hear, before Jaebum's father spoke up again, sounding shaken.

"Son, why didn't you tell us about your daughter earlier? How is... Dabin?"

"Yes, you silly boy. This is good news! Why didn't you tell mom and dad earlier?"

The happiness was unmistakable in his parents' voices, and Jaebum's eyes and his hand found Jinyoung's again, bright and cold with relief.

"I'm sorry, mom, dad. I should have told you earlier," Jaebum apologised again humbly. "But..." he hesitated. "My boyfriend... The person I love... is -- Jinyoung."

His eyes locked with Jinyoung's again, just as his parents gasped in tandem over the line.

"Jinyoung?" his mother repeated in disbelief, both a confirmation and a question directed towards Jinyoung, and Jinyoung hurriedly cleared his throat. But his voice just sounded hoarse as he replied again, "Yes, auntie."

He hated how apologetic and guilty his voice sounded, but he couldn't help it and Jaebum squeezed his hand encouragingly. _Be brave_.

There was another long, heavy pause as Jaebum's parents processed this big news. Then Jinyoung's heart soared in disbelief as Jaebum's mother spoke up again:

"I have to admit... this is a surprise, boys. But Jaebum-ah, to be honest with you, when umma heard that you're gay, I was shocked at first. We both were. And before you called back, your father gave me my pills and we talked about it. He said, _my heart hurts for our son, because he's going to suffer from now on. But... jagi-ya, what if... what if the person he loves... is Jinyoungie?_

"And I replied, _If Jaebum is in love with another boy, I pray it's Jinyoungie_. So... you can't see us, but we're both smiling like lunatics now. We're so relieved and... so happy to hear that you have a daughter, and you boys are... together."

"Your mother is crying too," his father added, and there was a teary sniffle.

Jaebum's thumb reached up to wipe below his eyes, and Jinyoung only then realised tears were wetting his cheeks as Jaebum's mother said, addressing him with every bit of the warmth she always had, for the last ten years: "Jinyoung-ah... I know you always have, but please help auntie take care of our clumsy son from now on, okay?"

"He's nodding," Jaebum reported, because Jinyoung was crying too hard to speak, falling against Mark's solid shoulder as he wrapped an arm around him. "And crying too." Jaebum's own eyes were misty and he dashed an arm across them as he whispered, voice breaking, "Mom, dad... thank you. And I'm so sorry again that we didn't tell you earlier."

"Silly boy," his mother sniffed. "We understand. We're your parents; there's nothing we wouldn't forgive our precious boy for. Just don't keep any more secrets from us, okay?"

Now Jaebum himself was crying too hard to answer as he grabbed Jinyoung and hugged him in a smothering embrace, crushing the air out of his lungs so Jackson helpfully answered for them and Mark respectfully greeted his parents as well, whom they both knew from their previous visits to the frat before Dabin had arrived, after which Jaebum had told his parents he didn't want them visiting because he was getting busy with university.

"When can we see Dabin? Where does she live now?" was the last question Jinyoung heard from the phone in Jaebum's father's anxious voice as Mark and Jackson seamlessly took over the conversation from the emotionally exhausted couple, chattering easily to the elders and doling out the information they were curious about. He even managed to breathe a laugh, the first time since the start of the phone call, when he overheard Jackson saying cheekily later, "At least Jaebum fathered a child before he started dating Jinyoungie, auntie, so you don't have to worry about grandchildren," and Mark rapped his head with his knuckles for his impertinence.

His own phone call to his parents, made barely minutes after once they had caught their breaths, had gone thankfully in much the same forgiving and accepting manner. The magnanimous warmth with which their families unconditionally accepted their news brought both of them to their feet and by the end of the second call their eyes were both red-rimmed and leaking in a most unmasculine fashion but the weight that slid off their shoulders felt like angels lifting.

 

So he had one less thing to worry about, and things went on much as usual. Dabin's popularity in their frat only seemed to rise with her absence, with the seven of them bunking off school all at once every time she came back for visits, and spoiling her in all their usual ways except intensified twofold.

Mark would have a mountain of presents prepared for Dabin to decadently tear the gift-wrapping off as though every day she returned was Christmas; Jackson would be obnoxiously and repeatedly calling her his goddaughter; Youngjae would be tossing her in the air till she squealed breathlessly for a second's rest from flying; Yugyeom would be giving her horseback and piggyback rides around the living room like her personal pony; Bambam would be giving her a beginner's class in Muay Thai but still teasing her with mock proposals of marriage in twenty years and Jaebum would be pulling him into an armlock threatening that he didn't want to be Bambam's father-in-law, he already had enough of being his dad.

And Jinyoung -- well, Jinyoung would just be watching all of these and feeling proud to the point of bursting as Dabin communicated effortlessly with all of them in their native languages, switching effortlessly from Thai to Mandarin to English to Korean, and Jinyoung would be laughing and quietly thinking how Jaebum's daughter -- their daughter -- would without a doubt grow up as they anticipated to be a classy, warm-hearted lady with both brains and beauty.

 

But despite all this happiness, he still felt an occasional tug of unease, the niggling bitterness in the back of his throat and stone in the pit of his stomach whenever he saw Jaebum smiling at his old flame.

He knew it was irrational and foolish, and so didn't dare to voice it out to Jaebum, knowing he would laugh it off and reassure Jinyoung he had nothing to worry about.

But still, Jinyoung just couldn't help worrying that Jaebum's old feelings with Sooyeon would reawaken.

He was worried that seeing Dabin who looked so much like Sooyeon every day for the past nearly two years, and falling madly in love with her, would in some way make Jaebum unconsciously feel fond of Sooyeon as well.

He was worried Jaebum would realise how perfect the three of them looked when they stood together, Dabin in their arms and looking between her parents with so much adoration and longing that it was obvious how much she wished they were a family of three.

These trivial worries were what kept him up at night, even when Jaebum turned his doorknob quietly and sneaked into his bed, feeling like a pillar of warmth as he curled up behind Jinyoung, spooning him sleepily.

Jinyoung would pretend to be asleep and grouchy, but secretly feel relieved of his thoughts for a moment by Jaebum's temperature and his steady heartbeat against Jinyoung's back, the solid thumping as he dozed off again in Jinyoung's bed.

 

He didn't truly let go of his fears until Jaebum told him that Sooyeon was attached, and unexpectedly, Sooyeon herself seemed to warm up to him, unaware of his animosity towards her and the fact that he saw them as rivals in love.

The first time was when he had accompanied Jaebum to her parents' house after school for a visit with Dabin, and he went into the kitchen to look for the restroom, leaving Jaebum in the living room with his daughter and her grandparents kissing and hugging Dabin like they hadn't seen each other in years instead of a week.

He found Sooyeon in the kitchen preparing a platter of snacks and fruit, and she smiled at him, friendly and open. He awkwardly asked for directions and when he came out of the restroom, hesitated before asking whether she needed help.

"Sure," she said immediately, and passed him the knife to help peel the apples.

Jinyoung had been surprised when she struck up a conversation, and an unsettlingly intimate one. It was as if she saw him as a friend, even though he had never seen her as one though they were the same age.

"You know," she said conversationally, pouring freshly-squeezed juice into glasses. "I used to walk past your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of Dabin."

Jinyoung looked up sharply, surprised at this revelation.

"I... I didn't see you," he stammered, unsure what to say.

Sooyeon smiled. "I hid myself well. Sometimes I loitered nearby all day till I managed to see one of you bringing her out for a walk in her stroller. Once, a policeman thought I was a suspicious person and I nearly got arrested but it was worth it because I managed to see Dabin that day, from afar. It took everything I had in me not to run out because it hurt so much that I was missing her growing up, learning to walk and talk and run."

Sooyeon seemed embarrassed as she wiped her watering eyes with the back of her hand and Jinyoung looked away sensitively to give her privacy.

"You should have come up to us if you wanted. I... would have let you hold her."

Sooyeon shook her head furiously. "I was too afraid of facing her and Jaebum oppa." She sniffled and cleaned up her smudged eyeliner, then seemed to remember something abruptly. "Could you... help me keep this from him? I didn't tell him I came to the house to see her, because I didn't know how he would react."

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind --" Jinyoung started, then softened. "All right. I won't tell him, so don't worry."

"And..." he found himself adding after a few more minutes of working in silence together, "I have pictures of her... growing up in my phone. I can show you later, if you want."

Sooyeon looked up at him, eyes wide as she inhaled softly in surprised. He blushed shyly.

And so he spent the afternoon in the most unexpected way -- sitting at the kitchen in his boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's house, scrolling through the album entitled "Dabin" in his phone as she gasped in pleasure and pointed at her daughter, and occasionally blew her nose into a tissue when she got emotional.

 

By the end of the hour, she seemed to see him as a firm friend. And he had no other choice but to awkwardly reciprocate her warmth. Jaebum didn't know about their little chat in the kitchen because Sooyeon had toted the trays of refreshments out earlier before coming back into the kitchen to look at his photos and after they had finished he had exited the kitchen slightly sheepishly and rejoined Jaebum in the sitting room where he was still looking so dazed and bedazzled by Dabin's presence the way he always did, even after so long, that he forgot to ask where Jinyoung had been. Jinyoung had never seen any father of any age as devoted and dedicated as him.

The next time he accompanied Jaebum for another visit a few weeks later, he was less surprised when Sooyeon took him aside and invited him to the kitchen again to help her get the snacks ready.

This time, she chattered away without reservation, telling him about the post-natal blues she went through and the bout of despair and depression she struggled with after Dabin's birth that had made her studies decline. Her increasingly tight financial situation also gave her added pressure and she eventually reached a breaking point, unable to sleep for soothing Dabin's nightly cries and weakening in health too since she hadn't managed to have an undisrupted confinement.

She was at her wit's end when she thought of the last, most inconceivable solution she had left -- her last resort that she couldn't bring herself to consider because of her pride and headstrong nature.

But eventually, she had had no choice but to leave Dabin on Jaebum's doorstep and hope for the best.

 

"The moment my financial situation and living arrangements were stable, I couldn't wait to fetch her back. I started preparing and fixing up a nursery for her in my parents' house right away. I wanted everything to be perfect; but in the end before it was completely ready I caved and called Jaebum up. I just couldn't stand waiting another day."

She sounded so much like Jaebum that Jinyoung's heart panged helplessly. "I know what you mean," he replied sympathetically.

"I'll never forgive myself for what I did," Sooyeon vowed harshly, surprising him with the self-reproach cutting in her tone.

"You had no choice. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did what was best for her." He felt again like he was advising Jaebum.

"But still... I feel like such an inept mother. I was all she had to rely on and I failed her." Sooyeon sounded disconsolate.

"Nevertheless, no matter what, you're still her mother." Jinyoung heard himself sounding inordinately soothing and gentle as he comforted her.

Sooyeon looked up too, the self-berating in her eyes replaced by moved tenderness.

"Thank you," she said softly. "Your future kids are lucky. You're a good parent."

Jinyoung refrained from remarking that he doubted he would have any future kids except Dabin, unless he adopted one with Jaebum or they looked for a surrogate mother.

But somehow, Sooyeon seemed to sense the direction of his thoughts.

"I already feel sorry that Dabin won't be able to have a traditional, perfect complete family. But I'm glad she has three parents to make up for it... and if all goes well, maybe a fourth one too," she commented cryptically.

"Three?" Jinyoung looked up, startled.

Sooyeon just smiled silently and didn't reply, but something about her eyes told him that she had sensed there was something between him and Jaebum. Of course, she would know Jaebum almost as well as him.

But for the first time, before the acceptance and blessings and grateful support in her eyes, Jinyoung didn't feel competitive and threatened. Privately, he had always known that by returning into Dabin and Jaebum's lives, Sooyeon had never meant to come between him and Jaebum or Jaebum and Dabin as Jaebum feared himself. She was just reclaiming her rightful place as Dabin's mother, the place that she deserved more than anyone because she had sacrificed more for Dabin than all of them combined.

It was his own complex that had made him project his insecurities onto her actions, comparing himself to her the way he knew Jaebum never had and never would. It was just that -- Sooyeon was so nice and perfect and eligible in every way, and she was the person Jaebum had lost his virginity to. There was an undeniable connection there, a lifetime one that was strong enough to make Jinyoung feel the ground shaking beneath his feet.

He had told Jaebum he had never wished he was a girl. But now, he hated that for the first time, Sooyeon's reppearance made him feel so vulnerable that sometimes, he traitorously and secretly wished that he had been born a girl instead so he wouldn't have to feel so unconfident in front of Jaebum's perfect ex-girlfriend and the mother of his child.

It came as a relief when he could finally let go of this preoccupation too, with Sooyeon's help. He knew that from now on, if he wanted to be with Jaebum, he would have to co-exist with Sooyeon, no matter how he felt about her presence. So it was probably a good thing that she saw him as a friend and confidante, and he couldn't help liking her very much despite his initial reservations too.

 

"What's going on?" Jinyoung gapes as he walks into the kitchen just as Dabin blows past him in a whirlwind of short but powerful legs and arms, pounding like little pistons and swiftly followed by Jaebum. Since Dabin discovered the joys of running, she no longer walks, leaping and swinging from surface to surface to Jaebum's chagrin.

"She's too unladylike," he mutters to all of their amusement as he chases her down, shouting for her to stop and fretting with fatherly concern that she will fall and graze her already-skinned knees.

"Well, what do you expect with her growing up in a house full of testosterone?" Jinyoung teases, and quickly backpedals when Jaebum's face falls further. "I'm kidding! She's too feminine to grow up into a tomboy. Don't worry, hyung."

This morning, Jaebum doesn't even stop the rounds the girl is leading him on through the kitchen, nimbly dodging obstacles in her path as he gasps, "Too -- much -- sugar. Youngjae's been feeding her candy again, the brat."

Jinyoung isn't sure whether Jaebum is referring to Youngjae or his daughter by _the brat_. Probably the former, since his daughter can do no wrong in his eyes. He shakes with laughter and catches Dabin's eye, swelling with pride as he proceeds to prove his authority over her. He simply has to clap and open his arms, bending his knees to her level and wait expectantly to achieve what Jaebum has been unsuccessful in doing.

"Come to Uncle Jinyoung, cupcake," he smiles, crooning, and Dabin lumbers straight into his arms obediently, beaming from ear to ear as he sweeps her up effortlessly, swinging her in a breathless circle that makes her squeal.

Jaebum is gaping at both of them, panting with his hands on his knees and narrowing disgruntled eyes. "How do you do that?" he complains, shooting his daughter a rare annoyed glance at her favouritism and sinking down heavily at the breakfast table, which only makes the chortle Jinyoung and Dabin are sharing at their collusion against him louden.

 

Jackson and Mark come in, fresh-faced and bushy-tailed from their morning walk around the park. Mark has a bouquet of wildflowers he gallantly picked for Dabin from the roadside in his hand, which he presents to her with an exaggerated bow. Jackson asks her to guess what's in his closed palm, before unfurling it to reveal a tiny dandelion.

Dabin squeaks in surprise and delight and immediately snatches it up, allowing Jackson to teach her how to handle it with delicacy and blow lightly to disperse and scatter the wispy fluff. "Make a wish," he whispers to her, and she closes her eyes and obeys.

"What did you wish for?" Jaebum stops eating to ask her, but Dabin only gigglingly pretends to ignore him and whisper her answer to her Uncle Mark who then whispers it to Jackson childishly. Jinyoung rolls his eyes, pretending he isn't dying to know too.

"Dabin-ah, will you tell me?" he pleads, and the little angel nods sweetly.

He leans forward eagerly, and Dabin stretches from Jackson's arms to whisper loudly in his ear: "I wished appa would kiss you."

Jinyoung's ears turn so red Jackson and Mark immediately burst into uproarious laughter, pointing at him. He shoots a panicked glance at Jaebum, praying he hadn't heard Dabin's whisper-shout. The look on Jaebum's face makes him make a face that makes Jackson and Mark crack up harder. Dabin's merry peals join in their bellowing mirth as the resident evil couple, who haven't yet forgiven Jaebum and Jinyoung for the condom prank, high-five her small hands and carry her out of the kitchen, calling over their shoulders, "Happy kissing!"

"Don't mislead my daughter, you buffoons!" Jaebum shouts after them, outraged, then blushes into his food when it's only Jinyoung and him left in the kitchen. When Jaebum raises his eyes to him, an unnerving and shy glint in them, Jinyoung hastily makes an excuse to leave, pressing his hand against his fluttering heart once he's round the corner.

 

He forgives Dabin barely minutes later, when she runs up to him and hugs his knees lovingly till he bends to her level, before telling him the truth with round and guileless eyes.

"I wished that Uncle Jinyoung and appa would be together forever."

Her innocent smile effortlessly melts Jinyoung like ice cream, as it does all of them. He strokes her hair warmly and coos, "Thank you, aegi. What a good girl Dabin is."

Jaebum walks up from behind, surprising him as he stands up. The raw and pure adoration and warmth in his eyes as he regards both Jinyoung and his daughter makes the hair on Jinyoung's arms stand.

Jaebum looks rejuvenated and energized, although he's been chasing Dabin around the house since daybreak. And Jinyoung realises, as he gently takes her from his arms, that he, too, feels ready to take on the world.

 

They sneak down the staircase by moonlight one night and raid the fridge after a satisfyingly draining session of frotting and petting which most of Jaebum's nighttime visits nowadays disintegrate into, Jinyoung fingering Jaebum or trying to persuade Jaebum to finger him.

Jaebum had asked him for help, complaining bashfully that he couldn't reach his prostate with his own fingers. "They're too short and my arm cramps up after awhile," he whined in a way that made Jinyoung's dick instantly jump.

Even so, he was surprised by how slick and loosened up he found Jaebum's hole when Jinyoung stripped him and reached down.

"Have you been playing with your ass?" he asked, his voice unrecognizably deep.

Jaebum swallowed and blushed prettily, jerking his head down in a small embarrassed nod.

"Where did you get the lube?" Jinyoung's hand came away sticky with not only lubricant but other fluids. His dick was fully stiff by now.

"I... I bought it," Jaebum whimpered, barely coherent. His own cock pressed against Jinyoung's thigh uncomfortably and he rutted a little for friction.

Jinyoung willingly and gently taught him how to place a pillow under his bottom for easier access, then ordered Jaebum to finger himelf as he watched, and under the cover of darkness and his sheets, tugged himself off to climax as silently as he could. Luckily Jaebum was too busy shaking through his own orgasm and trying to muffle his groans on Jinyoung's pillow to notice.

 

Masturbation always seems to make them hungry, and Jaebum is especially pretty in the evanescent orange glow of the open refrigerator as he sticks his head inside to cool down, sleepy and flushed with his fading high.

"Jirongie," he says softly, turning around with his hair adorably sleep-tousled. Jaebum is the only guy who can make cowlicks look both cute and sexy.

"Hmm?" Jinyoung slides a hand beneath the hem of Jaebum's shirt, splaying his fingers against his taut stomach. Jaebum's eyes flicker open at his touch, moving down. He smiles in drowsy pleasure, but doesn't kiss Jinyoung, instead leaning in further to rummage in the fridge.

He only cradles the back of Jinyoung's head with one hand and leans in after they finish a cup of instant ramen, sharing it and feeding each other as Jaebum solicitously blows on every mouthful before he raises it to Jinyoung's lips. Jaebum tastes like _gochujang_ and garlic. Only he could make the taste of garlic and sloppy 2AM refrigerator kisses romantic.

They chat in low voices later, leaning tiredly against the cabinet and sitting on the ground, Jinyoung's head falling to rest on Jaebum's shoulder. He needs to pee from drinking most of the soup in the instant ramen, but is too lazy to get up just yet.

"I know I have many flaws," Jaebum murmurs, apropos of nothing. "So... thanks for accepting my eccentricities and idiosyncrasies."

Jinyoung looks up, surprised. Jaebum's eyes look suddenly serious, so Jinyoung doesn't tease him.

He thinks about it seriously too before replying. "Well, it's not like I don't have my own neuroses and moods. So I guess we're even." He can't help a teasing note creeping into his voice.

"Plus," he adds when Jaebum smiles with lazy pleasure but doesn't reply, "You're the only one who doesn't mind how pretentious I am, so I guess I'm stuck with you." He's half-kidding, half-serious.

"Your pretentiousness is hot," Jaebum replies straightforwardly with the bluntness Jinyoung finds so hot in _him_. He never tires of how adorably paradoxical it is that Jaebum can blush over the most minor things, then spout completely cheesy and honest sweet nothings like this without even batting an eyelash.

"Love really is blind," Jinyoung shakes with his chuckles, until Jaebum grabs him and peppers his closed eyelids with raspberry-scented kisses from the bottle of flavoured soda he just downed.

"Do you think I have a nerd kink?" Jaebum jokes, sounding slightly worried and Jinyoung collapses giggling against him, body boneless with satiation and stomach full and warm.

"Debatable," he deadpans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if readers thought so too but i felt the ending was a little rushed and incomplete, and after going through my notes on the plot (which believe me were as much a train wreck as this fic lol) i realised there were a few plot points that i really wanted to include in this fic so i decided to write them from jinyoung's pov. also because in my other fics tea lights and lagoon, as well as this one, readers have told me they're curious to read them from mark, jaebum and jinyoung's pov so i decided to provide a small glimpse into his narrative. dw though it will be much shorter than jaebum's part and if readers feel tired of continuing the fic, i thought they could feel free to stop at the previous chapter too since it's a sort of ending already. this is basically just bonus epilogue or sequelish kind of scenes for readers who want to know more about and read more of this verse haha. i was really flattered by the people who said they were sad to see this end, because for a fic that is so long already to still inspire interest and attachment in readers is such a great compliment to it, and me ;; thank you so much to everyone who left me sweet comments on the last chapter, and for the insane number of kudos this fic has received already! from the number of hits i can tell that almost everyone who read this fic left kudos and it means a lot ;u; this chapter is dedicated with love to one of my most loving readers and friends, periwinkledreams. thank you for all your support bb :3
> 
> and please get well soon youngjae :(


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: bondage and blindfolding

It's moments like this that slip too easily through his fingers, only shimmering when they are already over that remind Jinyoung why his favourite type of bliss is the ordinary kind. The kind that is easily overlooked but that he has learnt how to treasure, to take a mental Polaroid of and file away in the virtual photograph album of his mind; the way Jaebum's face looks at this exact instant, tired but breathtakingly happy, soft and drowsy with all his defenses down.

Maybe it's because these midnight suppers when they get what Jaebum calls the "post-sex munchies" always seem to loosen their tongues and their inhibitions, that makes them feel particularly intimate. In the deep silence at two in the morning, it feels like they're the only two people left in the world.

Suspended, his world only resumes turning on its axis at Jaebum's sneeze. Jinyoung clucks like a mother hen, fretting as he solicitously checks Jaebum's forehead and asks if he's coming down with a cold. He takes off his Adidas jacket and offers it to Jaebum, relieved he's wearing a threadbare tank top inside. Jaebum protests feebly that he'll catch a cold without it but lets Jinyoung override him without much resistance.

Satisfied at this small triumph, Jinyoung drapes his jacket over Jaebum's shoulders, which are already drowning in Jinyoung's oversized hoodie, the one he had borrowed from Jinyoung the morning after they had sex and washed but never returned, not that Jinyoung is complaining. He had intentionally chosen it that morning because of how baggy it is, and the effect of how it looked on Jaebum's frame was more devastatingly adorable than he had expected. There are few clothes that manage to swallow Jaebum's broad shoulders and his defined, built torso but he looks especially small and huggable in Jinyoung's worn hooded sweatshirt, and seems to like wearing it too. The downside of Jaebum wearing his clothes is that it makes Jinyoung even more horny, his urges to fuck Jaebum a second time driving him to the brink when he was determined to use this as a bargaining chip, resolving not to screw Jaebum again until he agreed to do Jinyoung first.

 

"You're overreacting," Jaebum chuckles now, wiping his runny nose with the cuff of Jinyoung's jacket. Jinyoung knows he's truly a goner when instead of finding it unhygienic, he swoons and decides not to wash the jacket for as long as he can. Jaebum sounds adorable with a clogged nose, his sinuses slurring his words to a lisp. The two dismissive words he always says at these times bring Jinyoung sharply back from his wild thoughts.

He bristles, feathers ruffled. Jaebum seems to find it adorable, laughing softly.

Jinyoung glares at him. "It's because you're so stubborn and careless with your own body. It's a terrible combination. You always act tough and never wait till you fully recover to exert yourself again when you get hurt, so I have to make sure you don't fall ill in the first place." He clicks his tongue, playing his concern off as exasperation, but secretly his chest aches with the enormity of this feeling. Since they started dating, Jaebum has only become more and more important to him, to the point where Jinyoung finds him more necessary than breathing. It's a feeling that is wonderful and terrifying in equal measure because Jinyoung has always prided himself on being self-sufficient and reliant on no one.

Jaebum smiles at him ever so tenderly, his eyes quietly moved as he reads Jinyoung like a book. Unselfconsciously, he reaches out with a hand to tuck Jinyoung's hair behind his ear and caress his cheek with the rough pads of his fingers.

"I love this about you," he whispers, eyes glowing softly in the dark. "You know, I never thought the mother hen type was my style. But I love the way you take care of people. The way you take care of me."

Jinyoung blushes helplessly, blinks away the dust in his eye. He leans into Jaebum's palm and sighs.

"You know I've never been the maternal type either. I only had no choice because of you." He softens his words with a hand placed over Jaebum's, lacing their inked fingers together. It's true. Jaebum is the only member of their frat who goes far back enough with him to know, but Jinyoung's original nature was more of a slob than an _umma_. It was only the desire and need to take care of Jaebum like a housewife because Jaebum would be helpless on his own, especially after they moved out alone to live, that had gradually influenced his personality into the traits he has now. If he had never met Jaebum and grown up alongside him, Jinyoung often wonders what kind of person he would be. Again and again, he realises just how many ways they have each changed the other.

"Besides," he teases, making Jaebum's eyes crinkle slowly, "Your parents entrusted you to me, so you have to listen to me from now on," he pretends to admonish sternly.

Jaebum's amused laughter rumbles from his chest. "Your parents entrusted you to me too," he says, voice and eyes dangerously soft before he leans in again to cover Jinyoung's mouth, hand tightening on his nape till Jinyoung is gasping for air.

 

Incomprehensibly, it's harder than ever to be friends with Jaebum now. Both figuratively and literally, for every part of his body. If possible, Jinyoung only feels more sexually frustrated after their first night, unable to find a satisfactory outlet for his pent-up and repressed carnal lust. He constantly feels like an animal in heat and both of them seem to have reverted back to teenagehood again, with its awkward boners and raging desires.

They indulge in each other shamelessly and decadently, discovering with wonder and delight new and inventive ways to please each other every day. The way Jaebum looks at him, the marvel in his eyes as he maps Jinyoung's body with his eyes and hands and lips, charting his terrain and marking his territory, makes Jinyoung feel like an inexhaustible Pandora's box of wonders, like the only one who can satisfy Jaebum's insatiable appetite.

He obligingly shimmied into the boy shorts Jaebum had bought and surprised him with, and was rewarded by the way Jaebum's Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard, salivating visibly as he opened his mouth to inhale sharply and quickly run his tongue over his dry lips. His eyes widened even further in disbelieving astoundment as Jinyoung proceeded to give him a sensuous lap dance which made him come even without being undressed, touched or fucked. Jinyoung himself came easily just from the sensory overload of Jaebum's hands possessive and tight on his ass, gripping and tracing the contours and rippling muscles through the diaphanous fabric.

 

At least it's gratifying to know that he's not the only one swept up in this fever, when their previously innocent sleepovers and platonic bed-sharing escalate quickly into sexual territory.

He can't contain his amusement when Jaebum worries he might have to go to Sex Addicts Anonymous, whining so adorably about being in Jinyoung withdrawal and needing rehabilitation that Jinyoung burns up. He berates Jinyoung for getting him hooked on fingering, a habit he had never known the joys of in his first twenty-three years of life but now can't go a day without. According to him it's entirely Jinyoung's fault he's not able to get off from just vanilla jerking off anymore.

"You've created a sexual deviant," he moans exaggeratedly. "I can't believe I was corrupted by Greek god Park Jinyoung."

Jinyoung snorts to disguise how affected he is by Jaebum's flattery. After that night in the dark, he has already seen everything there is to see of all of Jaebum's stages of falling apart in the throes of ecstasy, in the afternoon light and the luminescent glow of his table lamp, the pearly radiance of moonlight glimmering the sweat on Jaebum's bare skin. He has fucked Jaebum open with his fingers, breaching his resistance and shoving as many digits as he can up him till he can feel how close Jaebum is from the way his walls are pulsating and throbbing around Jinyoung's fingers, clenching tightly like his hands scrabbling for purchase in Jinyoung's sheets bunched up between white-knuckled fingers. He doesn't sense that Jinyoung is partially working out his frustration and need in the way he fucks his fingers into Jaebum relentlessly, pushing him higher into a punishing rhythm until Jaebum is crying out into Jinyoung's pillow pressed over his face, for him not to stop, for more and begging to come.

Jinyoung sadistically refuses to touch his erect and straining dick knowing it will prolong the torture and wanting to see how quickly he can make Jaebum come just with his fingers just so he can lord it over him later and make him blush so cutely. Ever since their first night, Jaebum's ears have gone bright red without fail every time he sees Jinyoung's fingers, even when they're just doing the most innocent things like ladling out eggs for his breakfast. It hints at how much he fantasizes about them privately, and his obviousness is so adorable Jinyoung can't bring himself to hold it against him.

Sometimes he doesn't allow Jaebum to muffle his voice with the pillow and Jaebum has to bite his lip, sinking his teeth so fiercely into his lower lip that Jinyoung worries he will draw blood. A thin film of sweat starts beading on his upper lip as Jinyoung works his hand in a rapidly quickening rhythm up and down Jaebum's dick, and Jinyoung can't resist leaning forward to lick the delicious-looking sheen off even though it makes Jaebum's hips jerk up into a premature and protracted orgasm, fucking up helplessly into his hand and spattering come between his fingers and all over his torso.

 

Sometimes he punishes Jaebum instead by refusing to touch him and let him come until he fingers Jinyoung, finally managing to persuade him. It's one step towards his goal although Jaebum still (cruelly, in Jinyoung's accusation) refuses to fuck him with his cock.

He knows with vindicated conviction that he won't have to wait much longer, though, from the way Jaebum gasps, his breathing shallowing and visibly aroused whenever Jinyoung pushes himself down on his fingers till he's impaled on them, Jaebum losing his hesitance as his fingers spear more roughly into Jinyoung's ass and scissor tentatively then more deliberately at Jinyoung's moan bitten into silence on Jaebum's shoulder.

He'll regret the bite-marks visible in the light of the next day, but right now Jinyoung doesn't care as he works himself up and down on Jaebum's fingers, milking the opportunity for all it's worth and determined to let Jaebum know what he's missing as he clenches down and feels his muscles pulsating wetly around Jaebum's fingers, so tight and hot and unstretched he knows Jaebum can feel the temptation, can barely resist any longer from caving. He manages to work Jaebum up from just this alone so much that he has his hand down his waistband and his dick in his right hand, pumping up and down in sloppy and clumsy strokes as he pants harshly and the slick fingers of his left hand slide in and out of Jinyoung.

Jinyoung reaches down, grabs his own swollen erection. "Jaebum hyung," he peeks up through his eyelashes in a sultry murmur, and Jaebum spontaneously combusts into orgasm like a puppet on a string.

 

The air-conditioning bills of their house skyrocket, their rooms feeling the temperature and humidity of saunas almost every night when Jaebum creeps into his bed and crawls in beside him with a restless hard-on and whimpered pleas for relief. Even on the nights they spend alone, too tired out from school and their days, his scent still lingers on Jinyoung's pillowcase, his bed, every surface of his room wherever he turns. It's both an exquisite pleasure and agony.

Every night, the same dream haunts him without reprieve-- the one where his ass is in the air and Jaebum has his shoulders pinned down with iron hands and his face pressed into the bed, giving the side of Jinyoung's ass a satisfying smack every time he fucks Jinyoung deeper into his mattress with each thrust, pelvis slapping against his ass and fucking him into a pretzel with an aggressiveness Jaebum has rarely shown him in real life. It's the aggressiveness that tells Jinyoung it's a dream, even when he's still in the midst of it but he still feels bitterly disappointed when he wakes up, still panting and his cock painfully hard, chafing against the sheets and refusing stubbornly to settle till he touches himself.

It's not just a wet dream. It's a soaking, steaming wet dream. It's so real and visceral that sometimes Jinyoung wakes up to find that he's already come in his sleep, his underwear ruined and heart racing, sheets soaked through with so much sweat and filth he needs a shower.

 

In the time since, they have christened -- or more crudely, fucked on -- every possible surface in both their rooms, considerately and wisely not carrying it beyond into the house they share with the five other boys and Jaebum's daughter. They have tried all the possible positions they can think of, all the angles and contortions and Jinyoung is thinking with more frequency of purchasing a copy of the Kama Sutra to consult for ideas.

It hadn't taken much deliberation or persuasion to push him into fucking Jaebum again when he pleaded the right way and pushed Jinyoung's buttons the way only he knew how. If Jaebum wouldn't fuck him, he would have to be the one doing the fucking in the meantime till he wore him down after all. After the first time, they had lost their prudishness and anal sex had seemed less and less like a big deal every additional time they had it, till they stopped counting how many times it had been. Jaebum likes Jinyoung's fingers but he likes his cock more and Jinyoung has taken great pleasure in giving it to him.

They have fucked in the shower, on Jaebum's desk, on Jinyoung's chair, against the wall, horizontally and vertically and with Jaebum's legs hitched over Jinyoung's shoulders as he traced his tongue over Jaebum's rim, then licked within.

Now, the only thing left is for Jaebum to fuck him.

 

He is aware that Jaebum is holding back, afraid to touch him because Jinyoung is too sacred to desecrate to him. The way he looks at Jinyoung makes it plain -- that in Jaebum's eyes, he's the most and only pristine and uncorrupted thing in this polluted and depraved world. But Jinyoung doesn't want to be untouchable and uncorruptable, only admired and held at arm's length like a glass sculpture. He wants Jaebum to fuck him properly, not just with his eyes and fingers although they're enough to make him come. He knows that Jaebum's adulation for a person grows in proportion with his love and that's why he sees both Jinyoung and Dabin as faultless, irreproachable angel-like deities.

It's nice being treated like a god, but sometimes Jinyoung just wants Jaebum to destroy him, to mess him up in the most unholy way possible. He knows Jaebum doesn't mean to do it but he's tired of being infantilized, being protected from his own desires and Jaebum's. He would throw away the halo and the wings if it meant Jaebum being willing to defile him. Jaebum doesn't trust himself not to shatter him with his coarseness but Jinyoung does and that's enough. He wants Jaebum to wreck him thoroughly with a greed he never knew he had in him.

Secretly, he had gone harder than he should have, fucked Jaebum more intensely and vigorously than he normally would because Jinyoung had wanted to prove to him that he could handle it, that he was stronger and just as masculine as Jaebum and could take whatever Jaebum had to give.

But at the same time, he had understood Jaebum's logic and reasoning of letting him try on the submissive role first, and has seen the effects it has in how Jaebum handles him, giving his movements a confidence and steadiness that is doubly arousing. If Jinyoung's honest it's one of the most attractive things to him about Jaebum, the exacting standards he has towards himself and the strict demands he makes towards his own ability, especially when it comes to things that are important to him. It's how Jinyoung knows how much he means to Jaebum, the way Jaebum doesn't leave any room for error when it comes to him. Jaebum has never been sloppy about anything but Jinyoung wants to make him lose control, wants to test and push him to his very limits. Just knowing that he's the only one who's been there, the only one who can do that, makes him feel like he's scaled Everest itself.

How can he be blamed, then, for wanting to defer and submit to Jaebum when he's such a natural-born alpha, has always been? There's just something about Jaebum that demands and has always demanded complete surrender from Jinyoung which he gladly gave up. And getting a taste of it has only made his desire stronger and more potent.

If only because of how anxious and eager to please Jinyoung he always is, Jinyoung is sure Jaebum will understand. He's been patient long enough. Jinyoung has never been manipulative towards Jaebum -- at least, not consciously -- but desperate times call for desperate measures, he thinks.

 

Since they got the results of the full-body health check-ups they went to the hospital to get done together, including a battery of blood tests that gave them both the all-clear from any sexually transmitted diseases, they have been planning to celebrate (preferably by having some fun together with their bodies) but haven't yet had an opportunity. This Sunday, all the other boys are out on dates with each other at coinciding hours and Jinyoung decides there's no better time to strike while the iron is hot.

Jaebum is all agreeable pleasure when he tells him. Jinyoung conveniently leaves out his detailed plans for the day and just tells Jaebum to sit back and relax and leave all the work to him.

Jaebum smiles and kisses him dotingly. "All right," he says guilelessly. "Surprise me, baby."

 

Jinyoung can tell he's expecting another of their usual romps in the sheets with Jinyoung dominating him again. Well, he'll definitely be getting the surprise of his life.

He starts the foreplay off slowly, cuddling up almost innocently towards Jaebum, nestling in the crook of his arm and curling against his side like a clingy domestic animal. Jaebum is so pleased, even his eyes are smiling.

"You know," Jinyoung murmurs conversationally once they have found a comfortable position and Jaebum has pulled the covers up to his shoulders, looking almost content to lie in for an entire day of snuggling. "I find you the sexiest when you're working hard. I love the way you get completely invested when you're passionate about something. Every time I saw you absorbed in something, I found myself wondering what it would feel like if you looked at me with those serious, intense eyes. Through the years, at various points of time, I wanted to be a textbook, girls or a baby. I wanted to be everything that made you smile."

Jaebum's eyes flicker, but his smile doesn't flag. "You just have to be you," he says quietly, and Jinyoung hears the tenderness aching in his voice. " _You_ make me smile the most."

Jinyoung swallows, unable to speak for a moment at the depth of Jaebum's voice.

"You were always my favourite," Jaebum continues, eyes soft and smiling. "Even when I didn't know it yet."

"It's okay," Jinyoung manages to stutter. "We both know that now. And even though you say you didn't know, you always treated me like your favourite. You were always so biased towards me, still are."

Jaebum doesn't seem to notice the teasing note in his voice. "I _will_ be biased towards you. I don't care if anyone thinks it's unfair. I'll always favour you, because I _want_ to," he replies defiantly, sounding like a little boy. Jinyoung almost expects him to add, "So there."

"I know, hyung," Jinyoung says again warmly, appeasingly. He leans forward to peck Jaebum's lips with shy mischief, making his skin bloom. "Be biased all you like, no one's stopping you." This gets Jaebum to crack a smile.

"I wasn't trying to guilt trip you," he whispers slightly apologetically. Jaebum's dazed eyes struggle not to flicker down to his lips, chasing the traces of Jinyoung's mouth longingly on his own with his tongue. "Anyway, we can afford the time," he smiles. "After all, we have the rest of forever."

Jaebum's sweet, shy smile tells him he likes the way the four words sound as much as Jinyoung does.

"But..." Jinyoung continues deliberately, congratulating himself on successfully managing to soften Jaebum sufficiently although he hadn't set out to. "There's something we can't wait to do." He flashes a playful, teasing grin and Jaebum looks suitably blinded.

"What is it?" he asks, hoarse.

Jinyoung reveals another wolfish gleam of his teeth and turns in Jaebum's arms to rummage in his bedside drawer. Triumphantly, he withdraws the blindfold and ropes he had hidden there with his pulse quickening.

Jaebum inhales softly, eyes going round and moving up to his. "This is...?"

Jinyoung's tongue slips out unconsciously to wet his chapped lips nervously, and Jaebum's gaze follows his movement, distracted.

"Jaebum hyung..." Jinyoung's voice is carefully sweet. "Will you let me... use these on you?"

Jaebum gasps again, though he doesn't sound completely untitillated to Jinyoung's relief.

"You want to -- tie me up and fuck me?" he asks with difficulty. His face is an interesting shade of magenta.

Jinyoung hesitates for less than ten seconds before nodding earnestly. His own face feels warm too, his breath quickening with how much he hopes Jaebum will agree. "Can I... please, hyung?"

"Jinyoung-ah..." Jaebum starts, looking appalled, and Jinyoung's heart sinks, thinking he's going to say no. He stiffens in thrilled disbelief when Jaebum says softly and shyly, "Of course you can, _aegi_. You can do whatever you want with me." He lowers his eyelashes with meek docility.

 

This time, Jinyoung is the one who gasps. Both with pleased surprise and at the delicious tint of rouge spreading over Jaebum's cheekbones, as if he's secretly dying to be trussed up tightly by Jinyoung and spread open across his bed. The possibility is tempting, Jinyoung has to admit, but regretfully leaves it for another day. He has something much more fun prepared for this occasion.

"Then... let's not waste any more time." Jinyoung is practically panting, struggling to keep his coherence and composure at Jaebum's agreement, unable to believe how close he is to achieving his goal. He feels dizzy and light-headed as he ungracefully scrambles up onto his hands and knees over Jaebum, pushing him awkwardly into a sitting position against Jinyoung's headboard too.

"Whoa there, someone's eager," Jaebum smirks, but obligingly allows Jinyoung to manhandle him, the amusement in his eyes swiftly being replaced by arousal as Jinyoung strips his clothes off him with such trembling roughness he nearly rips Jaebum's shirt, then instructs him bossily to lift his hands up with his wrists together when he's only clothed in his boxers.

Jaebum quirks a teasing eyebrow but refrains from remarking as he obediently complies, and Jinyoung hears his breath hitch as he tightly ties Jaebum's hands together, but not to the point of pain, fastening them to his upper bedpost which previously seemed useless but he is now glad his bed has. He ties an inexperienced sailor's knot and Jaebum's wrists chafe against each other as he awkwardly tries out the tightness.

Both their breathing has grown heavier and started to overlap, Jinyoung noting that Jaebum's crotch has surprisingly responded to his manhandling and tented slightly but noticeably from the way his hands are stretched above his head and his lower body has no choice but to be flat on his back on Jinyoung's bed, with Jinyoung sitting on his knees and holding them down and his legs straight.

Jaebum takes deep breaths when Jinyoung stretches back onto his knees from where he has been arched over Jaebum to tie the knot, so close their hair was almost brushing. He watches Jinyoung from his vantage point, looking slightly embarrassed but mostly excited. Jinyoung pointedly looks at his groin and he flushes, averting his eyes. He's so adorably easy to manipulate.

"Are you going to tie my legs apart too?" Jaebum whimpers, not sounding completely turned off by the idea, but Jinyoung regretfully shakes his head.

"Next time," he promises them both. "I want to try something else today."

Jaebum pinkens further, throat working. He shifts a little, his lower body seeming uncomfortable. "What?" he whispers raspily.

Jinyoung smirks, getting into his element. "Sit up," he orders authoritatively, and Jaebum obeys as if hypnotized, Jinyoung leaning over him again to help him slide the knot down on his bedpost till Jaebum is sitting upright on his rear end and his hands are pinned back at the level of the bed behind him.

 

"You undress too," Jaebum says, half a plea and half a command. Jinyoung can't oblige quickly enough but he forces himself to say, "Wait."

"No. Now." The two short words make him gasp audibly, turn the tables on him for the first time that day. Evidently, Jaebum knows that his power over Jinyoung is no lessened by the bonds restraining his hands.

Jinyoung had planned to only take off his clothes after Jaebum had worn the blindfold, but now he finds himself unable to do anything but pull his shirt over his head and kick his pants off his legs in a clumsy and slow striptease, enjoying the burning lasers of Jaebum's eyes trained unblinkingly on his bare skin as if he doesn't want to miss a single second of the show.

He hears a dry click as Jaebum swallows hard, eyes moving up and down hungrily over what he could possess as if trying to devour it all, and Jinyoung smiles. The plan is going well.

Jaebum's erection is visibly at full mast now even through his boxers, just from this and being tied up. Is this a bondage kink Jinyoung is seeing? He has to admit, Jaebum is much kinkier than he had ever expected. So much for his innocence. Jinyoung swallows a cackle and tries to keep a straight face as he goes on with his scheme, completely unrepentant about how he has corrupted his hyung.

 

"Aren't you going to prepare me?" Jaebum whines, his eyes dilating at the sight of the outline of Jinyoung's bulge damply defined against the tight boxers he had specially picked for this occasion, knowing they would arouse Jaebum most. The faux-casual question does nothing to disguise his transparent plea for Jinyoung to finger him and get him off, as usual. Jaebum shifts uncomfortably again as he searches for friction in his own boxers, dry rutting against air as he muffles a moan.

"You can be as loud as you want," Jinyoung reminds him. "Bambam took Dabin to the aquarium so there's no one home."

Jaebum closes his eyes and grits his teeth. "I really don't want to hear my daughter's name now," he groans, but doesn't hold back his voice this time. "Just get on with it... Jinyoungie."

The unexpected tender address at the end shakes Jinyoung. He tries to regain his bearings as he clears his throat and says softly, "Okay. Let me put on the blindfold for you now."

"Now?" Jaebum looks disoriented and slightly tentative, not expecting to lose the sense of sight so early on.

Jinyoung nods, eyes on his. He reaches down to grab his own crotch in a calculated move, feeling the stickiness seep through the fabric to his palm when he squeezes it hard enough to let slip a moan. Jaebum lets out a soblike noise, his hips squirming again.

"O-okay, sure. I'll wear it now." He's as good as gold.

 

Jinyoung smiles smugly. He immediately reaches for it and scoots forward again over Jaebum's body, straddling his thighs. Jaebum's cock rubs suggestively against his ass cheeks and he shudders, tries not to buck down on it. Jaebum has less self-control, finally finding his much-seeked friction and growing palpably harder beneath Jinyoung. His eyes are stricken and blown as Jinyoung fastens the blindfold securely over the back of his head with trembling fingers, carding them lingeringly through his silken hair. He reluctantly lowers the black material to obscure Jaebum's expressive and erotic expression.

Jaebum inhales in wonder when the blindfold is on, turning his head from left to right slightly to adjust to the loss of his sight. Jinyoung knows how he feels, the heady heightening and sharpening of the other senses the loss of vision unexpectedly provides. He had experienced this erotic clarity himself when he tried on the blindfold a few days ago, experimenting how it felt jerking himself off with it on. His sensitivity was multiplied almost twofold and he can't imagine the wonders it will work on Jaebum's.

Jinyoung unwillingly slides back down Jaebum's straightened out legs again and reaches with hands shaking with impatience towards his nightstand to fish out the bottle of whipped cream he hadn't revealed earlier. Jaebum's ears prick up towards the sound as he shakes the aerosol bottle before uncapping it to start spraying.

"What's that?"

Jinyoung can't help smiling although he can't see, making his voice silky. "You'll see in a moment."

Jaebum is appropriately mollified and his body shivers in anticipation. He jumps when Jinyoung carefully squeezes out the first blob of cream over his nipple.

"Is that... whipped cream?" His voice is equally incredulous and turned on. His breathless laugh quickly turns into a choked off moan when Jinyoung lowers his mouth and promptly licks the dab off, then continues sucking when it's all gone, latching his lips to Jaebum's nipple.

Jaebum is thrashing where he is braced beneath him, crying out incoherently. His nipple hardens under Jinyoung's tongue, the other one standing at attention too. He curses Jinyoung's name when Jinyoung tweaks it playfully with his fingers.

"Mm... yes," he finally replies, out of breath when he manages to let go of Jaebum's nipple. "How did you guess? Your nipples are sensitive, hyung," he mocks, voice low.

Jaebum has fallen apart into jagged sobs interspersed with expletives, struggling actively against his restraints now. His voice comes out a growl, but his question is pleading. "Jirongie... will you fuck me now?"

 

Jinyoung shakes his head disapprovingly. Jaebum knows how weak he is towards this nickname and never lets go of a chance to use it to his advantage. But now, he has the upper hand of Jaebum's sightlessness and Jinyoung feels less at his mercy for once.

"Tsk... so impatient." he mutters, lowering his lips to Jaebum's ear and ghosting his breath over his sensitive earlobes. He takes Jaebum's piercing gently between his teeth and nips at the metal, making Jaebum shout, "Ah!" Jinyoung worries he's close to coming, with the sensory overload and overstimulation.

But thankfully, Jaebum doesn't come, seeming to get himself under control with a few deep breaths. "Then at least take off my boxers," he begs with remarkable coherence. "It's so tight my dick hurts."

Jinyoung laughs, disbelieving at first because Jaebum isn't wearing very tight underwear today but when he looks down he's surprised to see how painfully Jaebum's dick is straining against the fabric, looking more erect than he's ever been just from Jinyoung sucking his nipples. He had planned to squirt whipped cream over his whole body and proceed to take his sweet time to lick it off every inch from his head to toe but now Jinyoung regretfully abandons the idea, almost certain Jaebum won't be able to hold out that long, although he could easily go another round and has proven his impressive stamina.

But looking at this current erection he's sporting, Jinyoung suddenly wants, irrationally, to be fucked by it and no other. It looks so deliciously hard, so stiff and enormous it would be able to brutally part his ass cheeks without any struggle. He doesn't want second or third-time erections. He wants _this_ one and he wants it now.

Jinyoung whimpers, choking over the lump in his throat. He realises that it's his heart, pounding like a sledgehammer and threatening to leap out. Actions dazed with lust, he tosses the bottle of whipped cream to the side to grab both sides of Jaebum's boxers, fingers brushing the bare skin of his hips as he works the hem with difficulty over his boner, which looks even more impressive and delectable once it's released from its confines. Jaebum heaves a pained sigh of relief too, hissing when his cock is exposed to the air. It flushes a darker red than the shade almost all the rest of his body already is, engorged with blood rushing down and the veins running down the length throbbing like vessels about to burst. Precome trickles from the tip in a steady stream, making his length slick.

Jinyoung can't contain his sharp intake of admiring breath, his desire to devour it at once. He fumbles for the whipped cream again and immediately sprays a glob of it clumsily on the head of Jaebum's cock. It drips, slippery, down the length, gathering at the base and dampening his pubic hair. Jaebum's groans start sounding tortured.

Jinyoung lowers his mouth to Jaebum's cock, not caring how greedy he looks since Jaebum can't see anyway. He closes his lips over the head without further ado, and sucks the entire glob off with one lewd sound. He swallows it deliberately loudly, sucking the precome off Jaebum's cock head at the same time so it's left glistening and clean when he pulls off, too quickly for Jaebum to fuck up into his mouth.

His gesture only seems to intensify the hardness of Jaebum's cock, which he had gotten a taste of with his mouth. It was even breathtakingly harder than it looked and Jinyoung's ass already ached in anticipation of being completely ripped apart by it.

"J-jinyoungie," Jaebum is sobbing pitifully, snapping his hips up in shallow fruitless thrusts. Jinyoung's bed shakes as he writhes against the ropes again. Jaebum parts his legs, spreading his thighs the way he usually does. "Can you prep me now? I can't hold out much longer."

Jinyoung swallows again, taking a deep breath before his speaks but his voice still sounds husky when it comes out, from deep inside his throat.

He stares at Jaebum's cock as much as he wants, feasts his eyes on it to his heart's content since Jaebum can't see or mock him. But even so, Jaebum seems to sense the intensity of his gaze with remarkable sensitivity, his cock lenghtening impossibly more and oozing even more precome under Jinyoung's hungry eyes.

"Your cock is gorgeous, just like the rest of you," Jinyoung tells him in a low voice, stating the obvious fact.

Jaebum blushes on cue. "T-thank you...?" He seems both flattered and confused. Jinyoung's heart speeds up and he says his next words in a rush, unable to hold back any longer.

"I want to sit on it."

 

A heavy and shocked silence plunges at his words, even Jaebum's struggles and his cries quieting. Jinyoung's heart drops to his knees and he desperately wants to see Jaebum's expression obscured by the blindfold.

"D-do you... not want to?" He hates the uncertainty with which his voice comes out, the last word rising like an unconfident question.

The depth of Jaebum's voice makes his head snap up, startled.

"Not want to?" He sounds incredulous, almost frustrated as if Jinyoung is being obtuse. "Sweetheart, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to make you mine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the long-awaited top!jb scene is for all the readers who told me they were looking forward to it and waited so patiently! hope it doesn't disappoint :) thank you to everyone for being so supportive about me continuing this fic and so willing and even enthusiastic to read on ;u; spoiler for the ending i plan to write a proposal and wedding like lagoon haha i know the whole fic is sappy to the point of cringeworthy but i've already given up on trying not to be lol


	21. Chapter 21

Jinyoung shudders at Jaebum's sensual words, his natural sexiness intensified by the blindfold he's wearing and looks far more divine and risque than he should in, making him seem for a moment like a sexy masked stranger at a masquerade ball sweeping Jinyoung off his feet.

When Jinyoung doesn't reply immediately, his thoat dry, Jaebum cocks his head towards him in concern, as if worried that Jinyoung still feels hurt.

"Baby, I'm sorry." He sounds anxious, straining forward against his bonds as if wanting to embrace Jinyoung but frustrated at his inability. "I just... wanted everything to be perfect for our first time. For you. I'd been planning for so long, wanting to surprise you... But you know... just like you taught me, sometimes spontaniety isn't a bad idea either."

His lips curl up into a sly smirk, as if knowing how pliant Jinyoung is, putty in his hands even though he can't see it. As always, Jaebum's confidence, his cocky self-awareness and arrogance, is the most smoking hot quality about him. Jinyoung is glad again for the armour of the blindfold, a shield that although he's not the one wearing he can hide his transparent emotions behind and not worry about Jaebum seeing his most vulnerable reactions as he falls apart around him.

Just like he had thought to turn the lights off for Jaebum during their first time, Jinyoung wants to enjoy Jaebum in private for his too.

Now, he shifts in Jaebum's lap, feeling molten with relief. He doesn't know what he would've done if Jaebum had said no, that he still isn't ready, but he doesn't think he'd have been able to go through with it despite all his airs and bravado. Ultimately, he still wants to wait till they're both prepared.

And he can't believe he's standing at the entrance of it now, the whole new universe he has dreamt of entering and exploring since the first day they started dating. Even before. Jaebum is sitting meek and obedient beneath him, like a dream or a fairytale come true.

It's only their erections brushing impatiently against each other, through the fabric of his by now dampened boxers, that reminds him of the urgency and immediacy of the situation. He doesn't waste any more time as Jaebum's cock presses and rubs lewdly against his, leaking more, a question and plea at once.

"Thank you... Jaebum hyung," he chokes out, his voice shaky with emotion and exhilaration. Jaebum smiles in relief at his reply finally.

"I'm sorry," he apologises again, nearly losing the thread of his sentence as he feels Jinyoung push his underwear down his thighs gracelessly, freeing his cock with an obscene sigh on Jaebum's mildly trembling thighs. Jinyoung tosses his underwear on the floor beside the bed and gently places his hands on Jaebum's knees to straighten his legs out. Jaebum lets him shift his body as he pleases like a marionette.

"It's just..." he continues, breathing getting more laboured, "I've never held anything so beautiful... that isn't fragile."

The emotion raw in Jaebum's words, palpable even though he can't see his eyes, pauses Jinyoung's movements. He wipes his eyes at how romantic Jaebum's clumsy words manage to be, humiliated at tearing up again but relieved Jaebum can't see. Instead of replying, Jinyoung decides to prove to Jaebum once and for all just how un-fragile he is with actions.

He studies Jaebum's body clinically, debating for five seconds with himself whether he will be able to fuck Jinyoung more efficiently laying flat down or in a sitting position.

He quickly decides on the former, so they will have more space and freedom to move, and Jaebum can concentrate all his body strength into his hips which Jinyoung knows firsthand how flexible they are. Anyway, they have already tried screwing in a sitting position during that time on his chair with Jaebum's legs spread high around his waist and over the armrests and Jinyoung's hands grabbing his ass cheeks and spreading them open as he fucked up into him.

 

Remembering the angle he had managed to hit then, he shudders in anticipation. He's nearly shaking at how close he is to pure ecstasy, making his movements jerky and hands clammy as he roughly tugs Jaebum down into a horizontal lying position with his hands gripping Jaebum's hipbones until Jaebum's head falls onto his pillow.

Jaebum is licking and biting his lips nervously too, looking curious about Jinyoung's plans but not asking, the only indication of the impatience he shares in the continued and uncomfortable writhing of his hips. His erection hasn't flagged one bit, jutting uncomfortably straight up at an even more than ninety degree angle as it strains slightly towards his stomach with how heavy it is. Precome continues beading and dripping agonizingly down the length, making Jaebum whimper at his inability to touch himself and twist his bound wrists together.

Jinyoung swallows at how slick his flushed and gleaming cock looks, ready for penetration even without preparation. He had already lubed himself up earlier so he would be ready at once but he thinks Jaebum could have slid in easily even if he hadn't with how naturally wet and hard he already is without lubricant.

 

Jaebum snaps his pelvis up in a few air thrusts to try out the position, voice a growl of impatience when it comes out again but tight with worry.

"Have you... loosened yourself up yet?" Jinyoung knows Jaebum hates being like this, splayed vulnerable and completely defenseless under another person, unable to move a muscle. It speaks volumes that Jinyoung is the only person he trusts to allow him to do this, and how relaxed he looks, utterly unafraid and calm (or as calm as he can be under the circumstances). It's a sight more moving than any other, Jaebum completely at his disposal and demurely quiet but for his harshening breathing filling the silence and overlapping with Jinyoung's own irregular breaths.

He nods, then speaks up when he remembers Jaebum can't see him.

"Yes," he just says. "I'm ready." Jaebum has the chivalry not to accuse him of planning this out, which he had probably already realised long ago. He's not an idiot.

"Are you sure?" Jaebum presses, still looking tense. His body is stiff with need beneath Jinyoung, but his voice is filled with patience. Jinyoung can hear the helplessness in his voice at not being able to prepare Jinyoung personally himself for the first time he had planned for so long to be perfect.

"Completely," he says, voice hoarse. "Trust me?"

Jaebum's voice softens. "You know I do. Unconditionally." He finally seems to relax the last of his tension beneath Jinyoung, besides the corded ropes of his thigh muscles which still feel taut beneath Jinyoung's weight, flexing restlessly as Jinyoung inches closer to his cock, up his upper thighs.

"I prepared myself with lots of lube," he whispers when he's almost at the apex of Jaebum's thighs, his own cock standing stiffly and looking inflamed, deliberately spreading his thighs wider into a V shape so Jaebum can feel the lube dripping from his ass crack down his inner thighs, which are quickly slick when he relaxes his hole. "So don't worry about hurting me, you can go as hard as you like."

Jaebum inhales sharply, his voice sounding strained when he croaks in surprise and arousal. "You're s-so... wet."

Jinyoung nods, smiling. His breathing intensifies as he lowers his knees to slide them against the bed, so he's kneeling on Jaebum's upper thighs to rub his own inner thighs against him further, then scoots the remaining inches up to squeeze Jaebum's cock between his thighs.

He gasps at the hardness, which seems to have impossibly intensified since just now, and the way Jaebum's entire body spasms in surprise, a jet of come shooting out from the tip of his cock at the pressure of Jinyoung's pressed-together thighs.

Jinyoung curses along with Jaebum's impassioned groan of "F-fuck, Jinyoung," but is relieved to see that Jaebum's cock is still full and thickly erect, the slight orgasm seeming only a warning tremor of the earthquake.

Jaebum's cock throbs between his thighs as he reluctantly loosens their grip, his inner thighs now even more slimy with the mixture of Jaebum's precome and the lube. His hole twitches insistently, needing to be filled at once. Jinyoung never thought the word slimy could ever be synonymous with erotic but there it is. It's erotica itself.

 

"O-okay," Jaebum is stammering, words slurred with desire. "I believe you. Do it now," he grunts out.

Jinyoung raises himself up onto his knees on his trembling thighs, almost whimpering like a wounded animal. He ignores his own cock, forces himself not to touch it as it strains towards his stomach and shifts forward awkwardly on his knees to close the final small distance between his asshole and Jaebum's waiting cock.

They both hiss when the tip of Jaebum's cock nudges the cleft of his ass. Jaebum's hips jerk up uncontrollably as Jinyoung takes a deep breath and carefully aligns his entrance over Jaebum's head, then sinks down a little, the first resistance breached easily as butter.

Jaebum lets out a sob, then bites his lip hard, unable to cover his mouth with his hand. He thrashes beneath Jinyoung as sheer gravity coupled with the strength in his thighs giving out almost completely makes him sink halfway down Jaebum's length in one motion.

His ass cheeks give out easily to the solidity of Jaebum's cock, the edge of pain dulled and blunted, the slide of friction made less harsh by the abundant grease. Jaebum's cock continues pushing up into the cavity of his anus.

"Spread your legs for me," Jaebum surprises him by instructing, voice deep and throaty. Jinyoung hastens to obey, and both of them sigh at how much easier it makes the deepening of the next inch. He can sense Jaebum holding himself rigid beneath him, refusing to succumb to slamming up to bottom out in one thrust, only because he doesn't want to hurt Jinyoung and is trying to take it slowly.

Jinyoung isn't complaining, enjoying almost masochistically prolonging the pleasure of being finally entered by Jaebum completely and deeply and being ever so agonizingly slowly stretched open and apart by his cock, till it splits his ass cheeks clean in two and he can clamp up completely around him, flush against his pelvis with no space between.

The effect of the angle is insane, dizzying, sending sparks shooting up his body and a scaldingly hot coil of heat pooling low in his own pelvis. He tries to relax his muscles from clenching up instinctively, letting down his resistance and taking deep breaths to open up the space inside him and let Jaebum into his deepest chambers.

"Lift your hips," Jaebum orders again, when Jinyoung seems to be stuck three quarters down his cock with barely inches left, so close to completely crushing his ass down on Jaebum's pelvis, grinding down satisfyingly to meet his thrusts. Jinyoung is no longer under the illusion that he's in control, despite the blindfold and ropes and all the lengths he had gone to to orchestrate this. Jaebum's been the one who owns him from the beginning.

Crying out helplessly at the indescribably blissful and full sensation of being torn apart from beneath, Jinyoung obeys Jaebum's order and, on his next bracing inhale, snaps himself down the final distance till he feels Jaebum's balls deep inside him for one blinding instant, sheathed to the hilt completely by Jinyoung's effort without him even thrusting up.

He actually lets out an agonized cry as if he's been wounded at the spot Jaebum's cock head bluntly hits inside him, but then Jaebum shifts in a jerky first thrust and they've lost contact again.

"Are you okay, baby?" Jaebum is gasping, breathing as hard as Jinyoung. "Easy there."

Jinyoung is unable to answer at the sheer sensation of feeling Jaebum's cock crammed up in him for the first time, pulsing and thickening inside his anus, within his own pulsating walls, so intimate that he can barely breathe. He scrabbles to brace his hands on Jaebum's chest and feels the groan vibrating from deep inside it as he leans forward to catch his balance and Jaebum's cock grows more porcelain hard inside him making a wet squelching sound as he thrusts his pelvis up against Jinyoung's ass cheeks.

Jaebum is struggling more passionately against his restraints, writhing as he takes deep breaths, his thighs quivering with the thrusts he's holding back as he seems to want to let Jinyoung get used to the stretch before he moves. Jinyoung shifts on his cock, making him plead for mercy as he uncontrollably thrusts a few more squelching times. The sheen of sweat that has gathered on both their bodies, matting Jaebum's hair to his forehead makes the sounds of slick skin slapping slick skin even more lurid.

The pressure of his walls around Jaebum's cock only seems to make it swell further, the painful hardness prising Jinyoung's anus apart. He tries to make a slow rotation over Jaebum's cock and the spot it makes the blunt head massage inside him makes them both cry out "Ah!" in comical tandem sounding like they're going through Chinese water torture together.

 

Jinyoung lets himself fall back down on Jaebum's cock, arching his back and throwing his head back, worn out. The exhaustion and overstimulation slams into him, colliding headily with the explosive orgasm building in his gut. Jinyoung doesn't think he's ever felt an orgasm so earth-shaking brewing inside him and threatening to burst forth like a hurricane wrecking his body.

Only the promise of the doubled pleasure of delayed gratification gives him the self-control to hold it at bay for as long as he can. It's hard to keep his wits, though, feeling so unbelievably tight around Jaebum that he almost sees white, flashing in and out of his vision.

Jinyoung gazes lovingly down at Jaebum harnessed beneath him, and starts riding him slowly, arching his back to feel him better and fit them more seamlessly against each other. He wants to make Jaebum lose control from around him, make him start thrusting up so violently that it shakes Jinyoung's entire frame and sends him screaming. He wonders fleetingly if Jaebum is sadistically taking revenge for him taking so long to move the last time, then feels bad as he can obviously feel Jaebum's entire powerful body shaking with the effort of holding himself back from mauling Jinyoung savagely, ripping him to shreds with just his monstrous dick. He has never been able to appreciate the lithe panterlike leashed power of Jaebum's body as much as from above him, the restrained strength like a jungle cat coiled and ready to pounce.

He crests and peaks like a surfer riding a wave, enjoying Jaebum's length and girth inside him the way you enjoy pain so exquisite it tips into pleasure as he grinds down and forward, lifting himself up slightly with the power of his own hips and then letting his weight sink him down again on Jaebum's cock which feels like a burning stake thrust up inside him and igniting him from the inside with blue fire.

A tortured groan slips from Jaebum's lips when Jinyoung manages to regain a measure of his strength and starts deliberately sliding himself up and down on Jaebum's cock, raising his ass and making slow clumsy circles on Jaebum's pelvis like a straw stirring a drink. He manages to pull himself almost completely off Jaebum's thrumming cock to the tip, then makes a deliberately lewd and provocative sigh as he pushes himself down hard on it again, trying to grind his sweet spot against the knob of Jaebum's cock head. At this final push, Jaebum curses viciously as he finally gives in and succumbs to his urges, ramming up in his first real, breathtakingly deep and powerful thrust into Jinyoung's body.

Jinyoung is every bit as strapping as him but he has never felt as frail, as dominated and small and completely weak as with Jaebum's cock plunging up into him with every wracking thrust, making his walls collapse and him fall apart all over again, bringing him up and down and back over and over.

 

"Don't stop moving," Jaebum grunts with exertion between thrusts, punctuating his statement with another well-aimed jab at Jinyoung's prostate that knocks the answer out of his lungs in a sharp gasp. Jinyoung can tell he is partially working out his frustration at not being able to manipulate and hold and pin Jinyoung as he likes, the only thing he's able to move his sinfully supple hips which are now describing slow circles in a mounting rhythm in Jinyoung's heaving canal.

He weakly tries to oblige, continuing to stir his hips in effortful circles but unable to keep up with the increasingly demanding pace Jaebum sets, pounding the breath out of him anew every time he slams up into Jinyoung so aggressively the bedsprings creak.

Jinyoung has finally managed to unleash the beast inside Jaebum and it's every bit as frightening as he expected. He just knew Jaebum was a freak between the sheets at heart. No one can have that much sly sensuality and exude that amount of pheromones without possessing skill in bed.

 

Jinyoung's ass continues shamelessly and loudly sucking Jaebum's cock in the more intense his upward thrusts grow until he's practically bouncing up and down on Jaebum's cock, managing to fuck himself on the prostate again and again just with the momentum they have worked up with Jaebum's every calculated stroke shaking both the bed and Jinyoung's body and Jinyoung continuing to ride Jaebum like a horse gone out of control, the harnesses falling from its rider's hands as he bucks uncontrollably and tumultously. Jinyoung scrabbles for purchase on Jaebum's chest, the sheets, anything -- but they slip through his fingers, sweaty and sticky with various fluids, Jaebum's skin slick with the layer of musky perspiration he's worked out.

It's more draining than any athletic activity he's engaged in, this sexual position, and Jinyoung knows Jaebum must be feeling the brunt of the workout, struggling to fuck Jinyoung properly and without sloppiness without being able to grab his hips to hold him steady and flush against his pelvis to receive his thrusts and having to thrust upwards instead of down. Jaebum's body is well-maintained, muscular and incredibly strong and he has remarkable stamina but Jinyoung can see the effort is starting to wear him down, though he makes a valiant effort not to lose steam.

 

"Untie me," Jaebum finally gasps, sounding out of breath and frustratedly hot. Jinyoung flops down over him, resisting the urge to pillow his head against Jaebum's shoulder and take a second's break, keeping himself upright by bracing his hands on Jaebum's chest. He can feel the sledgehammering of Jaebum's heart almost leaping out of his skin, and Jaebum blushes crimson beneath his blindfold, trying to shift without success away from Jinyoung's palm but the thundering of his heart not stopping. Jinyoung's own heart does a succession of backflips and cartwheels in his chest, scattering the butterflies in his stomach. He sobs helplessly as Jaebum shifts his cock inside his bruised ass.

"Quick," Jaebum snaps, breathing sporadic, and Jinyoung gathers his remaining wits and strength to find his sass.

"A-all right," he relents, "But only if you let me do all the work."

Jaebum's deep chuckle vibrates through his walls from where they are connected, reverberating through his body in the most sensational way.

"You're precious," he mutters, voice softened by a breathtaking amount.

"Indulge me," Jinyoung breathes, breathless.

Jaebum accedes to Jinyoung's condition helplessly with a tight nod, red flooding his own cheeks in a way that makes Jinyoung think Jaebum might be feeling his voice with his cock too. He grinds down again in a last sloppy downward thrust on the still rock-hard pillar of Jaebum's cock, drawing a satisfactory pained moan. Then Jinyoung takes a shuddering breath and slides a little off Jaebum's dick reluctantly to lean forward to reach for the knot, but Jaebum's voice stops him before he pulls off completely.

"Do it... from on top of me."

Jinyoung gasps at the dirtiness of Jaebum's voice, dripping with eroticism that makes his own cock tighten up insistently as he continues, dropping an octave, "I want to feel you."

"But how..."

"Help me sit up," Jaebum breathes, and Jinyoung hastens to oblige, shifting them into a sitting position as unawkwardly as possible without breaking their connection. The movement makes Jaebum's cock slide in and out of his ass with a surprisingly arousing effect. Jaebum sighs in shameless bliss as he raises his thighs as much as he can behind Jinyoung's back, letting him lean back against his knees. Jinyoung slides down the valley of his thighs easily and he makes a shallow thrust up to embed himself in Jinyoung again.

 

Jaebum is right -- the intimacy is unbelievable, mindblowing as Jinyoung leans over his shoulder, their lips grazing for an instant that makes Jaebum's breath catch longingly before Jinyoung's breath is ghosting across his face and ear murmuring, "Later, _jagi_ ," and Jaebum is panting in his ear as he fumbles with the knot, his arms around Jaebum's still blindfolded head.

Jaebum props his chin lightly on his shoulder as he works, resting for a heartbeat and finally stilling within Jinyoung for the first time, though still hard. The time he's managed to last without coming, much longer than the first time Jinyoung fucked him and even without any prior orgasms (Jinyoung already had one when he lubed himself up with his fingers earlier), is a testament to how many times they have practiced on each other, training their stamina and their reactions and responses to each other a little better with each day so they can last long enough to give each other pleasure. Jinyoung is glad they had waited now, though he knows from the tightness of Jaebum's pelvic muscles beneath his sensitized ass that the only thing keeping him from coming is his perfectionistic nature and his determination to make Jinyoung come first, wanting their first time to be as flawless as he planned and studied for.

 

When they start anew, from their sitting position this time, the charged tension crackling between their bodies seems to have been taken a notch higher, both by Jaebum's now-freed hands grasping Jinyoung's hips in a steely grip and the increasing sloppiness and dwindling control of their thrusts. Jinyoung inhales sharply with surprise as Jaebum snaps, the fingerprints he's pressing into Jinyoung's hipbones growing bruising as he rolls Jinyoung over, settling between his thighs and hitching himself up into him with grunting thrusts, his hands moving down to grope Jinyoung's ass cheeks and spread them apart as he plunges in again and again until Jinyoung is begging for mercy.

"You promised to let me take care of you," he manages to catch his breath and whine, feeling fucked apart and stretched open by Jaebum's unabating erection. To Jaebum's credit, he gets himself under control and reluctantly lifts Jinyoung onto his lap again, sliding out under him with athletic grace without ever pulling out, into their original position of him supine and pinned under Jinyoung's spread thighs even though his fingers never slacken their grip on Jinyoung's hips, holding him pinned down to Jaebum's cock as if he can't bear to lose the tight warmth sheathing his cock to the hilt.

Jaebum's cock leaks inside him, the mixture of lewd fluids trickling in a tiny stream from the sides of his ass out around Jaebum's cock, the millimetre of the base not buried in him Jinyoung can see engorged and reddened like an oversized wiener stuffed into a too-small packet. He squirms helplessly, glad that he's the only one not in pitch darkness here but sensing at the same time that Jaebum is also privately relieved by the privacy the blindfold affords, helping him to hide the reactions always scrawled so nakedly across his expressive eyes whenever they have sex. He hadn't asked to take off the blindfold and Jinyoung hadn't offered, sensing it would give the experience another sensory dimension neither of them are ready for just yet. Besides, Jaebum seems to be enjoying the titillating sensitivity the blindfold gives him, the naughty sense of danger it provides to otherwise vanilla riding and Jinyoung is too.

Jaebum's cock is still so crushingly hard, Jinyoung's walls so pliant and slick and stretched loose that he can easily work himself up and down it like a pole dancer, fumbling his way by trial and error, testing and detecting what feels good by the breathy moans that slip from Jaebum's by now bitten lips and the way his fingers tighten with impending release over Jinyoung's hips, hovering over his body and fumbling for purchase as if Jinyoung is a lap dancer or a small frisky and dangerous wildcat let loose on his lap, wrecking havoc and slipping in and out of his grasp.

Jaebum flexes and unflexes his hips, causing his pelvis to ripple beneath Jinyoung's ass as he presses his calves flush against the bed on either side of Jaebum's hips so he can sink down as low as possible, spreading his thighs sordidly wide on top of Jaebum and sitting down on his cock as if it isn't even there right in the centre like a screw driving up his ass, swallowing it up like part of his own body.

 

He wobbles unsteadily on top of Jaebum, feeling like he might pass out from sheer sensation even before he manages to come, the scorching temperature of Jaebum scalding him from the inside out and spreading a wildfire through his bloodstream, blazing his body into an inferno.

Jaebum is muttering passionate and thrillingly dirty curses, that the ways Jinyoung is moving above him should be illegal; that Jinyoung is pure sin. Jinyoung knows exactly how he feels, because Jaebum is both the antidote and the itch beneath his skin. His animal magnetism has never been more apparent and potent as with him buried inside Jinyoung, their bodies and limbs tangled up together, fused together at the groins like Siamese twins in a connection they never want to break. Jaebum skilfully and purposefully works him up to a fever pitch, because he knows exactly what makes Jinyoung tick, what makes him whole and what makes him fall apart.

Both of them are the same thing. Of course, it's Jaebum himself.

 

As they move together in stunning synchronicity, Jinyoung wonders -- will this fever ever break? He doesn't think so; not until it consumes them both whole, charring them both to ashes.

Even from the bottom, as Jinyoung had expected, Jaebum fucks so powerfully. He was born to do this, to be a fucking machine, and Jinyoung wanted to be none other than the one who embraced him. He's reduced to humiliatingly incoherent sobbing, his mouth open and throat exposed in ecstasy as Jaebum goads, taunts, works him up with dirty talk and affects stoic composure even as the spaces between his thrusts grow shorter. He refuses to touch Jinyoung even when he begs, although he has his hands free.

"I want to see how hard you can come just from my cock, _aegi_ ," he growls, the saccharine endearment at odds with the gravel of his voice. "Show me how much my cock makes you come." He silences the snappy comeback on Jinyoung's tongue with a slamming thrust and grabs Jinyoung's hands, pinning them to his sides when Jinyoung makes a grab for his own poor neglected dick.

 

Even at a time like this, Jaebum still manages to get on Jinyoung's nerves and under his skin as much as ever. He continues rolling his hips up into Jinyoung's ass, his hipbones digging into his asscheeks and sweeping up with his lower body strength alone as he holds Jinyoung's hands on his parted thighs, locking their fingers tightly together.

In revenge, Jinyoung spreads his thighs wider to accommodate Jaebum deeper, drawing a choked hiss from him and summons up the remnants of his strength to snap his hips down on Jaebum's dick in a precise downward thrust that makes Jaebum's body buck into convulsions, his hips stuttering.

"Jinyoung," he gasps with his own ass rising clean off the mattress in a frantic upward thrust into Jinyoung's body, drawing laboured breath in a plea.

In an instant, the tables are turned, Jaebum now the one falling apart beneath Jinyoung and pleading for mercy, pleading for orgasm as Jinyoung disregards his pitiful begging and continues drawing scalding circles with his hips, but deliberately doesn't touch down on Jaebum's pelvis and envelop his cock again completely. It's driving him crazy but Jinyoung shimmers nimbly out of his grasp like a slippery eel every time Jaebum tries to grab his hips again to hold him still.

Eventually, he grabs Jaebum's wrists again and pins them together above his body as he fucks down with determination, his own rhythm quickening uncontrollably as he feels the force of his orgasm gathering like water building behind the walls of a dam, pushing to burst free.

He starts panting, gasping and sobbing simultaneously as he rubs his insides against the sides of Jaebum's cock, the left then right side of his anus then both at the same time by clenching up tightly around Jaebum in a death grip. The friction is burning like sparks flinting up from metal tyres screeching over gravel, and his hole aches sorely in warning but he can't stop the frantic rhythm, Jaebum's cries of abandon only egging him on. He's back to being reduced to only being able to move his hips into Jinyoung again and he does this with gusto.

Jinyoung is milking this for all it's worth, going to the very extremes, pushing himself past his own limits. He feels Jaebum's swollen dick thicken in warning, go completely rigid the way it always does in Jinyoung's hands just before he erupts.

Jinyoung squeezes his cheeks together over Jaebum's thick cock, fireworks going off in his body as Jaebum thrusts up at the exact same time with a precise assault on Jinyoung's prostate. " _Ahhh_..." He hears a loud, wanton moan, and thinks it's himself but is shocked to realise disorientedly it came from Jaebum's mouth when his face flames. It finally makes Jinyoung loses his last eon of strength to the all-consuming climax he is spiraling towards, letting Jaebum's hands go. They immediately fly to settle on his hips and Jaebum's hips are out of control as his cock pistons in and out of Jinyoung, thrusting out the last of his hardness and building up to the final, ripping one which will spill his load deep inside Jinyoung.

With shaking hands, Jinyoung grabs Jaebum's left hand and guides it from his hip towards his own dick which is writhing pitifully against his stomach, unable to be relieved by any hand other than Jaebum's. Jaebum closes his hand around Jinyoung's dick with startling gentleness, wrapping his fingers around to encircle it completely. He tightens his grip on Jinyoung's slippery dick and starts pumping up and down, his rhythm gaining traction and speed.

"Together -- Now," he grunts out, digging his thumb into Jinyoung's slit, and Jinyoung explodes on command, his come erupting from beneath Jaebum's thumb like an uncontrollably spurting volcano, striping white across Jaebum's stomach and chest.

He nearly screams -- scratch that, he _actually_ screams as Jaebum bottoms out fully again in his last, perfect thrust, drowning out Jaebum's guttural groan as their orgasms rip through them and Jinyoung can feel him shaking him from the inside, Jaebum's come hot and copious as it hits his walls and overflows, spilling out around his softening cock and leaking out from around the sides out of Jinyoung's ass. Jaebum doesn't pull out or let go of Jinyoung's limp and used cock, Jinyoung's blunt nails still dug painfully into his bicep where they had been curled for leverage as his hole continues clenching convulsively over Jaebum's almost flaccid dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is for everyone who so sweetly commented on the last :) im glad i extended the fic and managed to get to write out this scene, i didnt know so many people were enthusiastic about reading it! its already been more than twenty chapters but honestly the passionate response i still always get after every chapter makes it seem like the first ;;


	22. Chapter 22

The angry rope burns on Jaebum's wrists that Jinyoung had with tender apology kissed better after they detached their bodies, to Jaebum's forgiving reassurances, will last days after the afterglow fades, a reminder that makes them lower blushing faces, smiling, every time their eyes meet.

"I'm sorry for tricking you," Jinyoung apologises after the deed, though Jaebum knows him well enough to know that he would have done it again, if given the chance. He still feels bad for blindsiding Jaebum without warning. "I was too impatient. And I shouldn't have tied you up so tightly."

Jaebum smiles, his eyes melting immediately at Jinyoung's unconscious display of _aegyo_. He really does have the proverbial million-dollar smile.

"No, it was perfect. Everything was. More perfect than I could ever have planned myself." He pauses. "Thank you... for giving me the push I needed. And I'm sorry again, for making you wait so long. I don't know, now, what I was waiting for." He rolls his eyes self-deprecatingly.

Now Jinyoung's the one earnestly shaking his head. "I didn't mind one bit, hyung. It was worth the wait."

The frank honesty in his words and obvious compliment makes Jaebum redden with pleasure.

"I'm glad..." he bites his lip shyly, "I managed to satisfy you."

"Oh god, were you worried about _that_?" Jinyoung can't help the faint incredulous note in his voice, especially after he has witnessed Jaebum's prowess firsthand.

Jaebum just continues blushing silently.

"That's absurd. You have nothing to worry about, hyung. In fact, you should be proud. I have nothing to measure it against... but," Jinyoung pauses, suddenly shy, "you're a monster in bed."

Jaebum looks absurdly flattered and embarrassed by his high praise, and now they're both feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Jinyoung clears his throat and changes the topic, asking Jaebum if he would mind him keeping the blindfold and ropes for future use.

"Of course not!" Jaebum exclaims with unexpected passion. Jinyoung stares at him and he quickly amends, "I mean, it would be a waste to use it only once." He coughs.

A smirk is creeping onto Jinyoung's face. But he takes the higher road for once, refraining from teasing an already mortified Jaebum and just remarks cryptically, "You have many interests, hyung."

"All of which were introduced by you," he is amused by Jaebum retorting snappily. His interest is piqued, not sure he has seen this side of Jaebum before. The blindfold is definitely a keeper, Jinyoung thinks reminiscing fondly about how Jaebum had seemed to transform into a different person when he put it on. It was pretty fucking hot, the way he had lost all control and inhibitions and ended up fucking Jinyoung into delirium. Jinyoung starts concocting his next scheme, which involves him being the one blindfolded and possibly tied up -- he'll leave that to Jaebum's discretion.

 

More than he expected and to his amusement, once Jaebum is initiated to the joys of the top position, he seems to be enchanted by the novelty and loses much of his previous desire to submit to Jinyoung. Jinyoung has no complaints. It works out nicely for him because even though Jaebum is an amazing fuck, Jinyoung still enjoys the role of bottom infinitely more. Even more so because of what a skilled top Jaebum has become, his hard work and rigorous training having paid off. And Jinyoung can't blame Jaebum for getting hooked once he's tried him out the first time. Not to toot his own horn, but he _does_ have a very fuckable ass.

 

Jinyoung can tell which days are the ones one of their parents are visiting the frat house from the way a ruckus will drift up to his room by early morning, waking him and Jaebum if he's in Jinyoung's bed as well. He will smile and struggle groggily up, entering the living room to see Dabin careening round the house like a puppy who's consumed too much sugar, filled with excitement and delight that her grandparents are visiting. Every time they visit is like Christmas for her, literally, because they always come bearing a ridiculous number of bags filled to the brim with homemade food, side dishes, _kimchi_ and brand-new expensive gifts from the toy store. They lavish extra love on her in a quest to make up for the nearly two years that they lost and Dabin seems to have promptly leaped over the lost time, bonding with all of them immediately and effortlessly as if she's known them since birth.

Today, Jackson and Mark have already dressed her to the nines in a pretty powder blue frilly dress, one of the outfits Mark had bought her which is one of her favourites. Jackson's hobby of being her personal hairstylist has not abated through the years, only increasing his enthusiasm as her hair grew longer and Jaebum couldn't bear to cut her beautiful locks off besides small trims to keep them neat. Mark seems to be entranced as he watches him French-braid her silky raven hair personally, brows furrowed with concentration and a hair tie between his teeth.

"Your fingers are so talented," he breathed once, and Bambam shuddered. "I'm pretty sure Mark hyung just made a lewd remark." Mark had slugged him on the shoulder, blushing furiously as Jackson looked outraged and scandalized and flattered all at once.

"Mark Tuan, what are you imagining?!" He covered Dabin's ears and hissed in English as she giggled, continuing to play with her dolls and disregard them.

Mark only blushed hotter, glared at Bambam again and slunk shamefacedly to the toilet. He didn't emerge for a long time. Jaebum didn't know whether to take offence at Mark for his ridiculous libido or to forgive him for what he couldn't control. Eventually, he decided to generously let it go but only after subtly and thoughtfully buying tickets to Lotte World which Dabin had been clamouring to go back to a second time and inviting all of them except Mark and Jackson who they left home alone. Jinyoung thought Mark might have shot them a saved and grateful look but he wasn't sure because of Mark's stoic poker face for all occasions.

 

Despite all their... ahem, _lackings_ as guardians, Dabin seems to have grown into a remarkably self-possessed child, even developing a feistiness that Jaebum hasn't seen before and isn't completely sure whether he likes yet. He blames the other five for constantly roping her into their harebrained pranks and mischievous schemes, one of their favourites being to hidden-camera each other. Of course he leaves Jinyoung out of it, irreproachable and faultless as usual. Jaebum's unrepentant and heavy bias.

Once Dabin had started talking, she quickly became a force to be reckoned with, her growing childish mischief only encouraged by the way none of them can bear to tell her off or even say a single harsh word towards her, much less mete out punishment even when she does something wrong or goes overboard. They know they're spoiling her more than they should but none of them can help it. After all, how much can seven strapping adult man calculate with a small and petite little girl without feeling like complete ogres?

"I wonder who she takes after," Jaebum sighs in exasperation this morning, shaking his head and not bothering to lunge after Dabin for once, to help her tie her loose shoelaces into double bunny knots before she trips over them and hurts herself. Youngjae helpfully asks Yugyeom to help him trap her from opposite ends and they watch her lurch straight into Yugyeom's waiting arms. He sweeps her up effortlessly and winks at them, carrying her into the kitchen.

Jinyoung looks over at Jaebum and grins.

"Don't you realise?" he asks, caressing his lover's clumsily-shaved cheek with affection. "It's you."

 

Dabin is having a blast acquiring four new grandparents, each more doting and generous than the last. Jaebum jokes that she's inherited Jinyoung's talent for charming elders when she has them wrapped around her little finger within the first meeting. They claim to have never met a more beautiful, intelligent, sweet-natured and well-behaved child.

Jinyoung and Jaebum's case was a little different from Mark and Jackson's in the sense that their parents had already been good friends before they got together. Before they came out to them, Jinyoung had been worried that their relationship would be a dealbreaker, that it would cause a rift in their relationship if one of the four elders were disapproving. He couldn't have imagined how it would end up, along with Dabin, only drawing their parents closer together.

Now, their mothers are best friends like Mark and Jackson's, and Jinyoung's parents have even traveled all the way down from Busan more than a few times to meet up with Jaebum's parents and visit Dabin together, not minding the tiring train journey at all. They are even talking about taking Dabin to his family home back in Jinhae for a vacation later on when she's older, and have asked Jinyoung to invite Jaebum home too. It was how Jinyoung knew that they had fully accepted Jaebum as their future son-in-law and what he was most grateful to his parents for.

Alongside with Sooyeon and her parents too, Dabin's grandparents' help in taking care of her and relieving their duties as guardians couldn't have arrived at a better time, since Jaebum needs to spend most of his time lately cramming for his final examinations of his last year before he graduates university which is just as important. Jinyoung knows that he feels added pressure from his own expectations towards himself to get a well-paying job so he will be able to support Dabin and keep her well-fed and plump. Although Sooyeon is no longer facing financial difficulties and her parents are very willing to contribute to Dabin's upbringing as well, Jaebum's pride will not let him rely on anyone else for the lion's share of his daughter's expenses.

 

Things start changing rapidly after Jaebum and Mark's graduation ceremony at which Jaebum tears up accepting his diploma when he sees Dabin in Jinyoung's arms in the audience, on their feet and cheering themselves stupid. No matter how hard they try to keep them the same, Jaebum and Mark continuing to stay on in the fraternity house and the rest of them getting a year closer to graduation themselves, there are some changes that can't be held back or denied.

Jaebum starts interning at a production company, a job he had been recommended by his professors before leaving school with his minor in film arts. One afternoon when they are out on a date and eating ice cream, Jinyoung gets stopped on the street by a talent scout.

It's not the first time he's been scouted -- both of them. But it's the first time he accepts. When Jaebum asks him, looking slightly surprised, what's the difference this time and why he has a sudden desire to be a part-time magazine model, Jinyoung doesn't tell him the truth that he wants to be able to afford a designer timepiece for the upcoming Valentine's day, to befit Jaebum's new salaryman status. Although he can't afford Armani suits, he would look much more distinguished and eye-catching with a good sturdy watch. Besides, it would be good experience for the small acting roles he hopes to find after graduating with his minor.

 

Jaebum comes along on one of his photoshoots, since once he started the job the only times he could work were weekends which left them scarce time for dating. Jinyoung's eyes can't help flickering to him multiple times during the shoots, standing behind all the bright lights and camera equipment watching Jinyoung posing more self-consciously than usual on the set with a gorgeous, tall and curvy female model on his arm.

His first few glances are smiling and slightly coquettish, wondering if Jaebum likes how he looks in the pricey and high-fashion clothes he's modelling, hair styled into a ridiculous tousle and wearing more eye make-up than he's ever worn clubbing. The photographer seems to like his expression, the flashbulb blinding Jinyoung with a succession of flashes as he snaps away, busily ordering Jinyoung to keep it up and the female model to cozy up closer to him.

Jinyoung realises that his flirtatious, come-hither look towards Jaebum probably reflected in his eyes, and quickly composes himself, not wanting all his thirst for his boyfriend to be captured on camera. But the next time he manages to steal a glance over at Jaebum, his stomach churns because his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen.

Jinyoung wonders if he's left, but can't quite believe Jaebum would've bailed without a word. Unless... something happened to Dabin. He remains on tenterhooks, unable to concentrate until the photographer calls a break. He's immediately shrugging the female model off his arm as politely as he can and striding briskly towards the back door of the exit.

His heart falls in relief when he sees Jaebum leaning against the wall outside with his arms folded. Jinyoung wonders what he's been doing alone for so long in the deserted back alley behind the studio where people only come to smoke, which obviously Jaebum had quit years ago.

"Is everything okay?" he asks tentatively.

"Fine," Jaebum just replies shortly, not looking at him.

Jinyoung walks to stand in front of him and studies the way he's jutting his jaw, perplexed.

"No, really, what's wrong?" He's seriously worried now. Maybe he shouldn't have invited Jaebum along, knowing such places aren't really his scene. Even though their interests and occupations coincide and are technically in the same category, Jaebum has always preferred being behind the camera to in front of it. He's probably bored and dying to leave but too polite to say so.

"What's wrong is that you're stupidly hot in that outfit and holding a girl who's ten times more attractive than me with all the eyes in that room glued to you because of how fucking stunning you are, okay?" Jaebum finally bursts out, astonishing him.

He falls abruptly silent after his outburst, breathing hard and looking sheepish. He doesn't meet Jinyoung's eyes until Jinyoung takes his chin and steps into his personal space, lifting his eyes up to meet his own forcibly. Jaebum draws in a sharp breath at Jinyoung's eyes, darkened by the shadow and liner and mascara, boring into his.

"Hyung," Jinyoung breathes, finding it hard to remain coherent too, with Jaebum's warm body pressed up against his. Jaebum is most definitely not ten times less attractive than that model and if he hadn't noticed that everyone in the room was looking at him, it was because the only person he could see was Jaebum. As it's always been. "Are you jealous?"

Jaebum's eyes widen, making an incredulous _pfft_ sound, but he doesn't deny. His eyes flicker down unconsciously to Jinyoung's glossy peach-tinted lips, hands reach up instinctively to hover over Jinyoung's artistically mussed hair to mess it up before he realises he can't.

Jaebum lowers his hands and shoves them into his pockets, looking frustrated.

"No," he finally says, lying through his teeth. He looks up with a wry smile. "I know I have no right to be; that's why I took my stupid feelings out here. I knew what I was in for when I fell for you. And Jinyoung-ah, I have no regrets." He looks straight into Jinyoung's eyes, his eyes piercing without a single stitch of makeup. "None."

Jinyoung opens his mouth to say something, although he doesn't know what yet, feeling shaken. But the photographer's voice rings out, calling his name impatiently and he realises the ten-minute break is over. Jinyoung gazes at Jaebum with regretful and apologetic eyes, but Jaebum only smiles in resignation. His eyes soften reassuringly and he gives Jinyoung's backside a gentle and lingering pat, the only contact he's allowed himself since Jinyoung came out to find him.

"Go back inside and make me proud," he says softly, smiling. "I'll be there in a moment and we can go out for your favourite strawberry-injeolmi _bingsu_ after this." His eyes seem to sparkle a little more.

Jinyoung can't resist smiling back. Jaebum sighs in agony and gazes at him with hunger and silent reproach as if Jinyoung smiling all dolled-up like this is a torture to him.

"We'll talk more about this later, hyung," Jinyoung promises, cursing under his breath and giving Jaebum a last reluctant look before slipping back into the studio, knowing he will be distracted by thoughts of Jaebum for the rest of the session.

 

He still can't figure out if it's a good or a bad thing that he invited Jaebum until the end of the hour when he's looking over the magazine editor's shoulder at the photographs on the computer screen, not retouched and photoshopped yet but already praised by most of the staff as one of the best shoots he's done. Jinyoung knows that it's only because in every single picture, he was feeling so hot thinking about what Jaebum was thinking about him.

The female model asks for his number before he leaves, and Jinyoung is about to politely reject her with a lie that he already has a girlfriend when Jaebum walks up and places his hand on Jinyoung's ass in an unassuming but unmistakable gesture. The girl immediately blushes and beats a hasty retreat, telling him she will see him around and that it was nice working with him.

"You were on fire today. The pictures are gonna come out great; I think they'll give us the cover," she adds, with a friendly and impressed smile. Jinyoung thanks her; can tell it's a harmless compliment and no longer flirtatious but Jaebum narrows his eyes after her and removes his hand from Jinyoung's ass only after she's long gone.

"Ready to go?" Jinyoung's lip twitches in amusement but he suppresses his laugh at Jaebum's unamused expression.

 

They don't talk about the shoot after they leave the studio and walk to the _patbingsu_ shop as planned, where Jaebum continues gazing moonily at Jinyoung although he's already changed out of the haute couture clothes back into his own shabby ones and washed off all the makeup. Only his hair is still tousled with hairspray, even more hopelessly so than before because Jaebum had pinned him against the wall in the nearest alley after they had left and kissed him like he meant it, like he had been waiting to do so the entire hour.

Jinyoung enjoys the frozen dessert, made sweeter by the fact that he's with Jaebum on a date and Jaebum is dizzyingly attractive even when he's mopingly pensive and quiet like this, kicking an empty crushed soda can along the roadside into the drain as they walk to take the bus home in the light of the streetlamps. In fact, he's even more broodingly handsome but Jinyoung doesn't like to see him visibly bothered like this instead of his usual goofy smiles and heavy arm slung over Jinyoung's shoulder, laughing at everything Jinyoung says.

"Are you still... feeling jealous?" he asks again delicately. "You don't have to come along next time." He regrets his words almost immediately when Jaebum draws up in indignation.

"I told you I wasn't," he snaps defensively, lying through his teeth. "And I want to. I have to keep an eye on you or you'll probably give your number away without even knowing it."

Jinyoung is slightly offended by his patronizing tone. "I'm not a bimbo."

"No, you're just too nice. And clueless," Jaebum counters without missing a beat, running a hand through his hair. Jinyoung tries not to be distracted by how adorably sexy the tufts it leaves are.

"I'm sorry," Jaebum relents first, his voice softening when he misinterprets Jinyoung's silence as hurt. "I didn't mean that. It's just... they were right. You really _were_ smouldering today. It's been years and we've been dating for awhile; you'd think I'd have gotten used to how good-looking you are... but it still affects me the same way. And I'm just projecting my insecurities and feeling like a poor loser who can't even afford a fancy car like Mark to take you out on dates. I know it's dumb, but I can't help worrying your heart will change if people wealthier and more eligible than me start wooing you. It's completely my fault." He falls abruptly silent, looking embarrassed by his ramble.

"Do you think so little of... my feelings for you? Do you think I give a shit whether you have a car or whether we eat in fancy restaurants or roadside stalls?" Jinyoung catches his breath, feeling sheepish too at his ranting tone, injured by Jaebum's doubts.

"... No," Jaebum says in a small voice, sounding chastened.

Jinyoung softens helplessly at how prideful he looks, and yet at the same time filled with so much insecurity and love. He knows Jaebum doesn't mean anything by it, that it's been a hard day for him having to watch Jinyoung embrace someone else.

"Sorry," Jaebum mumbles again, at the exact same time Jinyoung blurts out, "You're forgiven."

They both look up at each other in surprise before bursting out into relieved laughter. Jaebum looks much less tense as he allows Jinyoung to take his hand for the first time that day.

"And for the record," Jinyoung adds cheekily, "I find taking the bus romantic, when it's with my boyfriend."

Jaebum finally smiles a real smile as Jinyoung swings their linked hands like a playful child, and chides him for acting younger than Dabin. They walk the rest of the way home in a companionable, thoughtful but much less awkward silence, even eschewing the bus to prolong their romantic stroll.

 

When they reach the gate of the frat house, Jinyoung stops and turns to face him.

"Do you want to know why... I was on fire today?" Jinyoung challenges, not looking away.

Jaebum swallows, looking tentative, before nodding. He looks up to meet Jinyoung's eyes in the darkness of night, his own eyes smouldering with quiet desire.

Jinyoung steps closer and Jaebum backs away a half-step, but reluctantly. Jinyoung closes it and he stays still. He leans forward to whisper into Jaebum's ear, lips grazing the cool metal of his earring. He doesn't wear his piercings to work so he looks more straight-laced and adult but he wears them when they go on dates because Jinyoung likes it.

"Because the whole time, I was thinking of you watching me."

 

Jinyoung has heard how steamy make-up sex can be, but he never thought he would be able to experience it personally, simply because he and Jaebum have never argued and quarreled. It's not that they don't disagree -- oh, they disagree on a surprising number of things -- but it's just that every time they have disagreements, Jaebum will back down first and cave, allowing Jinyoung to win, even when he wants Jaebum to challenge him. It's slightly frustrating and a double-edged sword but from the time they were preteens, even when they were just platonic friends, Jaebum had already noticed that he was the only one Jaebum never got angry at.

Jaebum has always had a short temper and was even more brash back then, and he didn't have much tolerance or patience when people did things he didn't like. He often got into scuffles or schoolyard brawls over the most trivial things, and even with their extended group of mutual friends he would get mad like any other person whenever they pissed him off. But it was only towards Jinyoung that he was eternally good-tempered, even when Jinyoung did the exact same things their other friends did, even when he did them to test him.

It's been ten years and Jaebum has never once gotten truly angry with Jinyoung. It's impossible but true. He seems to see Jinyoung as someone who is off-limits from his temper, just like Dabin. Someone who, no matter how far he goes or how much he annoys him, even when he's in the wrong, Jaebum will never hold it against or say a single unkind word to, much less raise a hand towards. Maybe it's because Jinyoung is his dongsaeng but Jinyoung has a feeling that even if he weren't younger than Jaebum, Jaebum would still look at him in that same soft, quiet but achingly protective way.

So even if Jinyoung wanted to start a fight just for the sake of the make-up sex later, Jaebum is too consummate and gentlemanly a lover to respond or engage him. He would only give in.

But tonight, they come close. And their sex is even more scalding than Jinyoung had ever imagined possible.

"Want you," Jaebum breathes into his ear over and over as he grinds his hips purposefully into Jinyoung's ass from the back, the hotness only intensified by how quiet they have to stay because all the others are at home but they had not been able to wait, Jaebum seeming to change completely at Jinyoung's words outside the house and backing him into his bedroom, throwing him onto his bed the moment they let themselves in.

 

When they're lying spread-eagled on their backs on Jaebum's pillows, knackered and catching their breaths, Jaebum mutters again, "I'm sorry. That was... uncharitable of me."

Jinyoung kicks his shin lightly, laughing. "Stop apologizing. I never thought today would end with such good sex, or I would've worn my sexy underwear."

Jaebum turns his head to look at him, lightly caressing his hipbone. "The one you had on was plenty sexy," he drawls, now low and flirty.

Jinyoung catches his breath and tries to roll Jaebum over for another round, maybe with him at the back this time. The thought itself is enough to make him semi-hard again. But Jaebum gently overpowers him, wrestling him back into his arms and murmuring with concern for him to take a short breather. "You must be sore, we barely used lube." Jaebum had spit in his hand and stroked his cock up while Jinyoung sloppily fingered himself open and it was only till he was inside that Jaebum realised he hadn't used as much as they do usually. He wanted to pull out but Jinyoung didn't let him.

"I did it on purpose," Jinyoung whispers naughtily, feeling Jaebum's body tighten with arousal against his. "Wanted to feel you, daddy." Jaebum gasps softly in pleasure as he does whenever Jinyoung randomly revives this kink again at the most unexpected moments.

 

Jinyoung pouts, but lets Jaebum wrap his arms around him and turn him onto his side, his flaccid cock pressing chastely against Jinyoung's still leaking ass. Jaebum draws the covers up over both their naked bodies and sighs against Jinyoung's shoulder contentedly.

Jinyoung thinks he's drifting off but when he tries to turn around to face him after awhile, Jaebum tightens his arms around his shoulders and chest, stopping him.

"Don't look at me." His voice is muffled against Jinyoung's shoulder. "I'm angry at myself."

Jinyoung heaves another sigh. "Why, hyung?" he asks gently. "I told you I don't mind. You're cute when you're jealous. And hot." He giggles, making Jaebum's hands splay over his chest, right across his breathless heartbeat.

"I know you don't," he murmurs under his breath, almost too softly to hear. "I just hate being jealous. It's an awful feeling and I know it's juvenile and petty and small-hearted to compare but I can't help it. Can't help feeling like I'm not good enough for you; worrying I'll lose you."

"You'll never lose me."

"I know. That's why it's stupid and irrational. I didn't use to feel this way, but now I get irritated when Mark and Jackson call you _Jirongie_. That was my pet name for you. I made it up, even before they knew you. It even bothers me sometimes when Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bambam call you Jinyoung hyung... which is just, ugh... stupid." Jaebum rolls over onto his other side to face the closet, letting go of Jinyoung abruptly.

"I used to feel proud when you turned heads on the street," he says to the wall. "Now I just feel ungracious and insecure."

 

Jinyoung's breath is stolen for a moment by his words. He didn't know that even before today, Jaebum was already feeling like this but not showing it, putting on a cheerful smile for Jinyoung and not letting it falter even when Jinyoung was as touchy and affectionate with their other friends as he has always naturally been. He hadn't thought of how Jaebum would feel, didn't think he would mind since they're guys, and their friends, but he should have been more sensitive. After all, he himself feels his hackles rise every time another person gets too close to Jaebum.

"Oh, hyung." He softens his voice, hugging him from behind now and feeling Jaebum melt back into his arms, relaxing. "Have you seen yourself in the mirror? How could anybody else even _hope_ to compare? The kids are my friends... but you're my love."

He blushes in the silence that follows, before Jaebum's voice pipes up with a slight teasing note. "Did you just call me your love?"

"I know it's cheesy. Don't tease me," Jinyoung pleads, and Jaebum immediately zips his lips.

To fill the awkward silence, Jinyoung continues, "It's okay to be jealous sometimes... because it tells me how important I am to you. Because sometimes... I feel jealous about you too."

He swallows at the confession that inadvertently slipped out, but plows on bravely. "Do you even notice how every girl you pass on the street does a double take to check you out? They want you so bad. Do you know how many girls in our school have asked me for your number so far, not even counting the ones who did in high school? I had to lie to all of them and I never told you about a single one because I was afraid you would tell me they were hot and I would have to pretend to agree with you. The thirst for Im Jaebum is real."

"And..." he continues blazing on, ignoring Jaebum's wide eyes and the way he turns back towards Jinyoung in his arms, too fired up to stop now. "Since we're being honest, I get jealous of the other boys as well. I'm jealous about the time you called Mark your best friend (yes, I know about it!); your closeness with Youngjae; your... whatever-it-is with Jackson; the way Yugyeom idolizes you and how you always tease Bambam."

Jinyoung shudders, remembering the morning after their first night when he had been the one who acted ungallantly when he saw red the moment Bambam touched Jaebum on the neck, simply because of the way Jaebum jumped in surprise and he knew exactly where Jaebum's most erogenous zone of his body was from the previous night and it was his neck.

 

Jaebum is stunned into silence by his tirade. They don't usually have such serious pillow talk and Jinyoung has a feeling that they are both equally surprised by the intensity of each other's jealousy, not having shared it with each other before today. Maybe they should have; perhaps it would be healthier if they had expressed and talked about it. He's relieved, though, to see that Jaebum looks more at ease now.

"Besides," he whispers, from where he finds himself in Jaebum's arms, their faces a breath away and their bodies curled into each other's, "this is something we probably have to get used to sooner or later, since we're both so attractive." He winks at Jaebum greasily to sound less narcissistic but still blushes.

Jaebum recovers from the silent laughter he's shaking with, eyes real crescents for the first time since that afternoon. "Your self-confidence..." he starts, and Jinyoung winces, prepared for a smartass remark.

"What?" he grouses defensively.

Jaebum smirks, eyes hooded. "It's hella sexy."


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: crossdressing (this was totally unplanned lol it just... happened and sidetracked the chapter from my plans i feel like this fic has become a clusterfuck of all my jjp fantasies otl) and daddy kink again (which i probably wont mention anymore since it appears randomly at various points of the fic) and spanking (?)

Once they have agreed to be more vocal about their feelings and communicate with each other more, Jaebum doesn't hesitate to let Jinyoung know about every possible person he thinks is interested in Jinyoung. He also invites himself along to a few more of Jinyoung's shoots whenever he is free on weekends. As the female model he had worked with predicted, they got the cover that month, the first time he's ever gotten a cover feature, and this increases his popularity and gives him a better reputation. He starts being more in demand and getting more and higher-paying job offers. If all goes well, he will be able to afford the extravagantly perfect-for-Jaebum watch he has his eye on.

Today, he's relieved not to be working with any female models, thinking Jaebum won't have anything to say about the jeans advertisement he's posing for alongside a couple of other buff and towering male models who look like they just stepped out of underwear or cologne commercials. Jinyoung tries not to be distracted by Jaebum leaning unobtrusively against a wall at the back of the studio behind all the other staff and watching with his usual impenetrable expression as he smoulders at the camera with his arm propped on the other model's shoulder. He's surprised to be given the center spot in most of the shots although he's objectively not as photogenic as either of them but he assumes it's because of his recent spike in popularity.

The photographer finishes his series of shots for the pairs of jeans they have on and asks them to change and prepare for the next round. He's surprised when told to take off his shirt, although he hadn't specified in his contract that he doesn't want to do topless shots so he has not much choice at this point and anyway, it will probably be tasteful and artistically monochrome. The only thing he feels embarrassed about is the lack of definition of his abs which is further confirmed unworthy for the camera without touch-ups as the makeup artist surveys his body clinically before whisking him away to start rapidly contouring his torso with shadow to give the illusion of a six-pack.

He can see Jaebum's eyebrows shoot up even from the distance when he is ushered out of the makeshift curtain behind which they have been changing wearing only a fresh pair of jeans slung low over his hips and only held up by a broad leather belt. His hipbones are tantalizingly revealed and the stylist had told him that was the point of the design when he tried to pull them up. He joins one of the other models on the set and immediately the photographer is snapping them away, calling out instructions to them in an authoritative tone for them to switch poses with every shot.

Jinyoung barely has a chance to glance in Jaebum's direction from where he is draped beneath the heavy arm of the other model, flashing a carefree smile before switching in an instant to a brooding expression. He gives up on trying to keep their bare torsos from touching as much as possible after the photographer calls to him impatiently to be less stiff. But he reassures himself Jaebum will be magnanimous enough to be open-minded about it. After all, it's just for work, right?

 

By the end of the shots for this pair of jeans Jinyoung has gotten pretty familiar with the other model and less awkward, both of them chatting away as the photographer snaps his last few pictures looking satisfied. They had been instructed to pretend to talk and laugh together at first like friends (the concept was "bros" apparently) and at first it had been stilted but their conversation quickly flowed more smoothly. Jinyoung hasn't worked with him before but he's heard good things from fellow colleagues and he can see why. The model is older than him, friendly and professional and Jinyoung is quickly calling him hyung.

Jaebum strides right up to the set the moment the photographer calls a break and the last flash goes off, surprising the staff behind the scenes who are still watching. They whisper among themselves with interest discussing who he might be but he doesn't seem to notice as he stares pointedly at the other model's hand which is in Jinyoung's hair in the middle of ruffling it until he drops it, then moves his gaze up (he's a few inches shorter) to narrow his eyes at him.

Jaebum doesn't say anything but the silence that falls is awkward and terse. Jinyoung quickly laughs nervously and chirps, "I'm gonna drink some water, see you later hyung?" and hastily grabs Jaebum's elbow, dragging him away from the stareoff. Not that the other model was staring back or anything, he mostly looked confused and amused.

"Did you just call him hyung?" Jaebum snaps the moment they are out of the studio door and earshot of the crew, voice strained.

Jinyoung puts his hands on his hips, half amused and half annoyed. "Yes, is there a problem? That's what I have to call guys older than me, in case you forgot."

Jaebum growls, getting up in his face. "I told you you're not allowed to call other guys hyung besides me."

Jinyoung rolls his eyes with incredulous defiance, ignoring the way it makes Jaebum seethe. "What should I call them then? Are you jealous again, hyung? Please, he's not even gay."

"How do you know?" Jaebum challenges.

"I've heard about him from mutual colleagues and he likes women, trust me."

Jaebum still looks grumpy and unconvinced. "That doesn't mean anything. I thought I wasn't either," he mutters under his breath, dropping his head scuffling his shoes against the ground.

Jinyoung gapes at him. "Are you implying that I turned you gay?" He doesn't know whether he's offended or flattered, even though he has long known that Jaebum wouldn't have considered a romantic relationship with any other man besides him.

But "No," Jaebum says with surprising gentleness, looking up at him again. "I had feelings for you long before I knew," he continues firmly. "But you _are_ pretty..." he pauses and coughs, amending, " _handsome_ enough to turn other guys gay."

Jinyoung laughs out loud at how adorable he is and how moved he secretly is by Jaebum's words. "It's okay, hyung," he teases, trying to lighten the mood. "I don't mind being called pretty by you."

Jaebum finally cracks a reluctant smile at his flirtatious purr and lash-veiled look.

 

"Not every guy is going to be attracted to me just because you are, you know," he reminds Jaebum practically, trying to keep a rein on his overactive suspicions of every guy Jinyoung gets close to. The break is over and Jaebum is holding the door open for him to reenter the studio. Jinyoung wants to lean in on tiptoe to peck his cheek, just to reassure him and just to let everyone know that he's taken, by another man and proud of it, but he doesn't want to draw attention to both of them in this way. Whether or not they are the same gender is immaterial; he just likes to keep his work and personal life separate. Neither of them are particularly demonstrative people and have never been the kind of couple who flaunts their relationship in public.

"I know, but trust me, I can tell who is," Jaebum says darkly, still looking glum.

Jinyoung sighs. "How?"

"Because they look at you the same way I do," Jaebum says in an unintentional parting shot as Jinyoung's arm is grabbed by the stylist and he is promptly whisked into the changing room and stuffed into a new outfit. Jinyoung lets them manhandle him, still dazed and heart slightly racing.

 

He thinks Jaebum is being his usual overpossessive and oversensitive self as usual, dismissing his warnings, but at the end of the session Jaebum gives him a flat vindicated look that says _I told you so_ as the male model walks up to where they are standing together and boldly asks for Jinyoung's number, his eyes moving carelessly over Jaebum.

Beside him, Jinyoung feels Jaebum's hackles rise at being ignored but he keeps quiet and lets Jinyoung handle it to his credit.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm asking for a friend," the model says with a smooth smile. "I promised to introduced her to any good-looking and nice guys I meet at work."

This seems to be the last straw for Jaebum and he breaks his silence to step in front of Jinyoung and interrupt curtly, "Sorry, he's taken."

The male model finally looks at him, sizing him up with irritation creeping into his friendly gaze at Jaebum's unwelcome intrusion.

"And who are you? His manager?" he enquires in a less polite voice.

Jaebum imitates his sarcastic tone. "You could see me as that."

Jinyoung tugs on his sleeve nervously and clears his throat but after another few silent moments of stony staring at each other the other model finally backs off and slopes away in disappointment, but not before telling Jinyoung that he hopes to work with him again and flashing him a smarmy grin which made Jaebum draw up.

"Asking for a friend my ass," he mutters under his breath as the guy walks away, not even bothering to wait till he's out of earshot. Jinyoung jabs a sharp elbow into his ribs and he whines in surprise and pain. "Ow! What?"

"Let's go," Jinyoung hisses, creeping to get his bag shiftily and feeling paranoid that all eyes are watching them even though probably few overheard the conversation.

 

When they are out of the studio and in Mark's car which Jaebum sometimes borrows for the rare occasions they plan a date, Jinyoung pipes up hesitantly, "Maybe you shouldn't come along next time."

Jaebum looks over at him in the passenger seat with a frown, keeping his hands steady on the wheel. "Why? Am I in your way?" Jinyoung can hear the hurt behind the sarcasm in his voice.

"No, of course not! I love having you there, and you know the photos always turn out better when you watch me. I just don't like to see you bothered."

Jaebum sighs, seeming to soften and returns his eyes to the road. "I don't like being bothered either. But like I said, it's just part and parcel of being with someone as desirable as you. I have to guard what belongs to me. That's all there is to it."

His eyes are drawn over again, surprised but tender, at the hand Jinyoung places on his on the gearshift.

"You don't have to, hyung. You can trust me to remain true to you."

"I _do_ trust you," Jaebum immediately declares emphatically, glancing over again in concern as if worried Jinyoung will have any doubts about his absolute trust. "It's just..." He tightens his hands over the wheel, voice softening. "I don't know. I don't like being this way either. I know insecurity and neediness isn't attractive. And I always thought I would be a chill kind of lover, not minding either way if my other half wanted to leave. Easy come, easy go." It's the second time Jaebum has used this phrase, and Jinyoung remembers what he had told him about his past relationships not long ago. He's honoured to be Jaebum's only exception.

He ponders over Jaebum's words for a second, before replying thoughtfully. "Actually... it's all right, hyung. I know how you feel. I understand, because I feel the same way. I always thought myself to be the more passive and easygoing kind of lover. But now I realise... that was because I hadn't met the right person yet. Because when you meet the person you really love, you can't help being anxious about losing them, worrying even though it's irrational. I believe everyone's the same, deep down. Love makes fools of all of us, without exception -- even the most confident people."

He can see the impact of his long and profound speech in the smile slowly spreading across Jaebum's side profile, the relief with which his hands slacken on the wheel.

"I'm glad you understand." Jaebum still doesn't look at him, concentrating on the road, but his voice is shy. "And that... you feel the same."

He reaches out to take Jinyoung's hand with one of his, and holds it in his lap. They don't say anything else for the rest of the journey. They don't have to.

 

Instead of making passionate love again that night after returning late from their date after all the other boys and Dabin are asleep, they cuddle chastely and sleepily in Jinyoung's bed and talk in low voices till they drift off in each other's arms.

"Sometimes I forget you were the one who fell for me first," Jaebum whispers in his ear just before they doze off. "Most of the time it feels like I'm the one who needs you more. They say the one who loves more is weaker, but how can I help it when you're so damn loveable?"

Jinyoung doesn't reply, lost for words, but Jaebum's heartbeat evening out against his back and his arms slackening over Jinyoung's chest tells him Jaebum has drifted off himself and he doesn't have to.

 

After Jinyoung's acceptance and reassurance that he feels the same, it seems to assuage and soften Jaebum's jealousy a little. He doesn't accompany Jinyoung on shoots as much, and anyway Jinyoung plans to take on a lot less jobs after Valentine's day unless he needs to earn some spare cash again. He knows he has been neglecting Jaebum although he's a very understanding and uncomplaining boyfriend and having time for dates is of equal priority to him. Besides, Jaebum was the reason why he took up the part-time job in the first place.

And even when he tags along, he respects Jinyoung's work and tries his best to stay in a corner and remain invisible, not wanting to distract him. Not that it works, because as long as Jaebum is in a room it's like Jinyoung has a Jaebum radar that can sense his presence like a sunflower detecting sunlight. Jaebum always smiles supportively at Jinyoung whenever he glances over, sometimes flashing him a thumbs up to let him know he's doing great. And it's statistically proven as time passes -- whenever Jaebum around, is when Jinyoung does his best work. He wonders if this will set a precedent, if he manages to start acting part-time in future Jaebum will have to turn up to the set and be his muse.

But sometimes Jinyoung will look up and see Jaebum's gaze looking slightly different -- stricken like Jinyoung takes his breath away, naked in a way his eyes never are when Jinyoung is looking at him. Jaebum is always watchful and hawk-eyed towards him but when he has that quiet, profound and private need in his eyes it shakes Jinyoung deeply, makes his knees buckle.

He is relieved to see that he isn't the only one being stupidly affected here at one shoot for an acne cream commercial when he emerges sheepishly from the changing room in a lilac almost-knee-length dress with a large gaudy bow at the waist and a bushy wig, hairy and masculine calves hidden by white high socks.

"Jinyoung?" Jaebum approaches him unsteadily, eyes questioning.

His blush intensifies twofold, probably looking like an overripe tomato coupled with the blusher applied on his cheeks. "It's... for a joke scene. I have to dress as a girl for a few seconds in the ad."

Jaebum swallows, his eyes running slowly down Jinyoung's body, then seeming to force them up to his eyes again and not stray down. "Oh." He licks his lips.

"I look ridiculous, don't I?" Jinyoung rolls his eyes to hide his embarrassment.

His name is called behind him, making him jump, startled. He had almost forgotten where he is. His ankle twists beneath his weight and for an instant he totters precariously in the heeled white sneakers he's wearing before Jaebum rushes forward and catches him smoothly in his arms.

"Ah..." Jinyoung looks up, right into Jaebum's eyes from the awkward angle against his chest. He can suddenly hear Jaebum's heart hammering, decidedly more quickly than normal. Jaebum quickly pushes his ear away from his chest and stands up, letting go of him. He drops his hands from Jinyoung's body and lowers them to his sides, looking down and pinkening.

"Sorry. Thanks," Jinyoung stammers as if they are strangers who just met.

His ears are burning as he stumbles away, light-headed. Jaebum's voice stops him. "Jirongie." His tone isn't strangerly at all, full of familiarity and quiet warmth.

When Jinyoung turns breathlessly, Jaebum is smiling boyishly at him. "You don't look ridiculous. You look... very pretty." After he finishes, he looks like he would like to find a hole to bury himself.

Jinyoung is pretty sure he is smiling from ear to ear like a dope.

"Thanks... oppa." The cheeky and naughty address slips out before he knows it, and he barely manages to register Jaebum's head snapping up, his eyes round and startled, before skipping away to the set where everyone is waiting.

He spends the remainder of the shoot giddily wondering if they will allow him to bring the outfit back, or purchase it. Judging from Jaebum's reaction, it might make for some interesting role-playing that would definitely add spice to their sex life.

 

Jinyoung waits in Jaebum's room the next day for him to come home from work, heart racing with impatience and anticipation. He's already gotten everything ready, sent the other boys away with Dabin to takeout Jaebum's favourite burgers for dinner. He muffles a giggle against Jaebum's pillow when he hears footsteps and quickly arranges himself in an artful, seductive pose to display his body at its most attractive angle.

Jaebum pushes open the door unsuspectingly -- and promptly trips over his own feet when he sees Jinyoung sprawled across his bed in the lilac dress from the shoot, outfit complete with black fishnet stockings with a thigh-revealing garter belt he had taken the liberty to purchase to match the dress. He had his legs spread apart to give Jaebum a very nice view up his thighs and now he thinks it might have been too much as he leaps off the bed, nearly tripping himself in the slippery stockings to find Jaebum on the floor, having fallen on his ass and looking an interesting mixture of mortified and turned on.

"Oh my god, are you okay, hyung?" Jinyoung squeaks.

Jaebum glows a brighter red as he struggles to his feet and clears his throat gruffly. "Y-yes. What the hell are you doing in my room?" Despite his words, he doesn't sound completely displeased. Actually, he sounds extremely pleased.

His briefcase has fallen to the floor by the side and his tie is askew. He loosens it further with his fingers as his eyes rove keenly over Jinyoung, looking hot and bothered. Jaebum growls as Jinyoung backs towards his bed, only answering his question with a teasing giggle. He lets himself fall back with a flump breathlessly onto Jaebum's sheets, knowing he looks inviting and risque on top of them.

Jaebum's eyes darken and he tosses his tie to the side too, unbuttoning his shirt with shaky fingers. Jinyoung follows his actions with greedy eyes, swallowing his saliva.

"What do you have up your sleeve today, hmm baby?" Before Jinyoung can draw his next breath Jaebum has already climbed over him in one lithe motion and has his arms pinned down at his sides, one knee slid up between Jinyoung's thighs and nudging his groin. Jinyoung gasps and Jaebum's strength falters, his eyes widening vulnerably as they move down to see the black lacy panties revealed by Jinyoung's short skirt, barely managing to contain his cock within their flimsy diaphanous fabric.

Jaebum tears his eyes away with difficulty, breathing harshened audibly, and moves them slowly back up Jinyoung's body over the dress and his heaving chest and exposed flushed collarbones before meeting his eyes. They flash with want and Jaebum's grip tightens over Jinyoung's arms, keeping him stationary beneath him.

Jinyoung doesn't know what Jaebum is going to do with him, until Jaebum says, voice a notch lower, "You've been a very bad girl, baby."

There is a delicious, tingling silence as his eyes laugh down at Jinyoung, taunting him to respond.

"D-daddy?" Jinyoung gasps. He writhes, getting hard. "I'm sorry, daddy," he moans. "Please punish me."

Jaebum immediately acquiesces with a light smack on the side of his ass. Jinyoung mewls and turns on his side, rolling weakly onto his hands and knees so his ass is in the air, in Jaebum's face. "More. Harder," he whines.

Jaebum spanks him again, giving him what he wants. "Without clothes," Jinyoung demands breathlessly, greedy, and he doesn't have to wait more than a minute before Jaebum growls, finally snapping and reaches into his skirt to rip his panties off with shaking hands, then hitches the skirt up above his waist with his hands. He reaches an arm between Jinyoung's shaking thighs from the back, grabbing hold of his released and leaking cock straining towards his stomach.

Jinyoung cries out when Jaebum lets go, letting his slickened hand trail down Jinyoung's groin towards the crack of his ass, then teasingly tracing the cleft but not dipping in. "Daddy, please don't tease," he begs.

He doesn't have to look at Jaebum to know he's smiling, can hear it in his voice. "I thought my baby wanted me to punish her." His drawl is silk.

Jinyoung moans, pushing his ass back into Jaebum's face shamelessly and delighting in his sharp intake of breath. "P-punish me with your c-cock." He can barely speak.

Jaebum spanks his ass again, without clothes this time. The sting is delicious and Jinyoung whimpers needily. He can't believe this is the same dork who just tripped over thin air at the sight of Jinyoung barely fifteen minutes ago.

"Your wish is daddy's command, baby girl," Jaebum breathes, and grabs both his ass cheeks, starting to part them slowly and lower his tongue into Jinyoung's twitching entrance.

 

They lie side by side panting in tandem after the round of wild sex that follows. Jinyoung mentally fistpumps; it had been a right decision to pay almost everything he earned from the shoot for the dress which turned out to be a designer label. The lingerie which now lies ripped on the floor of Jaebum's room hadn't come cheap either, but he has no regrets. If he had known experimenting with cross-dressing could add such excitement to their relationship, he would have done so much earlier.

Coming down from his adrenaline high, he abruptly feels so dirty, so shockingly unlike himself, leaking still-warm come in a ruined dress hiked obscenely high over his thighs and not covering the hickeys Jaebum had sucked between the straps of the garter belt onto the sensitive pale skin of his inner thighs.

To salvage the remnants of his dignity, he jibes, "I still can't believe you tripped when you came in. You're so cute." He gurgles again at the memory.

He truly finds it and Jaebum's other mannerisms absurdly adorable. He'll never be able to get over how Jaebum can be so in command one minute, exuding intimidation, and then in the next transform into a ditzy klutz, the hugest dork in their fraternity.

But "Don't call me cute," Jaebum growls low, seeming to be offended by the compliment. "No man wants to be seen by their lover as _cute_." He pronounces the word with disdain.

His assertion of manliness only makes Jinyoung laugh harder. He rolls onto his side, propping himself up on an elbow and looking lazily at Jaebum. "Make me," he mouths.

Jaebum's eyes widen with outrage. "Don't get fresh with me, you little brat." He rolls over Jinyoung in one move, pinning him down with his weight.

Jinyoung doesn't even have time to speak before he goes down, only let out a pathetic yelp.

 

Jinyoung wakes up in Jaebum's bed and tenderly helps him get ready for work, feeling like a housewife dressing her husband. His hands linger on Jaebum's collar as he fastens and knots his tie carefully, then straightens it proudly and stands back to survey his handiwork.

"Handsome," he pronounces, then frowns a little as his eyes move up to Jaebum's face.

"What?"

Jinyoung pouts childishly. "I don't like you styling your hair up," he mutters, feeling sheepish.

"Huh?" Jaebum leans forward to hear better, looking confused.

"You look way too sexy with your forehead exposed! What if you attract the attention of some hot office lady in a tight pencil skirt?" Jinyoung blurts out, louder than he intended.

Jaebum blinks owlishly at him, taken aback. Then a sly smile starts creeping onto his face.

"Your imagination is very fertile, baby." He tweaks Jinyoung's nose, voice barely containing his laughter. "But do I really?" he drawls rhetorically, almost preening as he slicks back his sideburns obnoxiously and turns to check himself out in the mirror.

Jinyoung scoffs to hide his embarrassment. "Never mind, ignore what I said." His face is hot pink.

He flushes in further blotchy indignation to hear Jaebum laughing softly, holding a fist up to his mouth to stifle his chuckles unsuccessfully.

"Let's make a deal," he is surprised to hear Jaebum say in a wheedling voice.

"What deal?" Jinyoung snaps suspiciously.

Jaebum smiles like the cat who swallowed the canary. He motions to Jinyoung's cream cashmere cardigan. "You change out of that into something uglier, and I'll style my hair down."

Jinyoung gapes down at his outfit. "Uglier? I'm wearing a freaking _cardigan_ , hyung." Besides, it's not as great a bargain as it sounds because Jaebum looks almost as equally smoking with his bangs down, only less mature.

"Exactly. You look like a sexy librarian," Jaebum retorts, sounding disgruntled and rakes hungry eyes over him again like he wants to devour him right there and then. Jinyoung blushes, abruptly feeling unclothed by his debauching eyes.

He snorts unattractively, not lessening the stars in Jaebum's eyes. "Should I get out my potato sacks?" he jokes snarkily.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Jaebum breathes, low, and Jinyoung can't help bursting out laughing.

"Alright," he grudgingly acquiesces. "I'll wear something less... sexy." He winks at Jaebum, then reaches his hands up to gently card through his hair, combing the moussed locks down till they fall into his eyes. Jaebum allows him to do as he pleases, eyes blazing with quiet playfulness at him through his floppy fringe.

Of all the things he loves about Jaebum, what Jinyoung adores most is secretly his power to make Jaebum pant on command.

 

After they finish eye-fucking each other through the curtain of Jaebum's fringe, Jinyoung appreciatively watches Jaebum putting his watch on. The one that he wears with pride; that Jinyoung had shyly presented to him on Valentine's day with the words _With all my love, J_ engraved at the back of the glinting chrome face, making Jaebum gasp and tear up with pleased surprise. It's part of a limited-edition series and cost a scandalously exorbitant sum but as he reassured Jaebum when he looked appalled at the price, "Only the very best is good enough for my Jaebum hyung." Jaebum looks like a CEO when he wears it, and Jinyoung is totally not being biased as his boyfriend.

"Have I mentioned that I love men in suits?" The words slip from his mouth, slightly playful and flirty as Jaebum shrugs a noir blazer onto his broad shoulders which fill out the sleeves nicely.

This makes Jaebum look at him, take a step closer. His eyes gleam too, licking his curling lips.

"Oh really?" His voice is smooth as butter. "Would you allow any man wearing a suit to fuck you, sweetheart?" His tone is teasing, slipping seamlessly into his role.

Jinyoung gasps as Jaebum takes his chin, leaning in and deliberately passing over his breathlessly parted lips to brush hot lips over his ear, then bury his face in Jinyoung's neck where his scent is the strongest and suck a small but unhideable mark there he will only be able to cover up with his ugliest turtleneck.

"N-no," Jinyoung replies, when Jaebum pulls off his stinging skin with a pop to gaze down deeply into his eyes again, waiting for his answer. Jinyoung takes a deep breath and smiles catlike, knowing his next words will turn the tables.

"Only my daddy."

 

With time, their relationship gains a new dimension of mutual trust and the jealousy and insecurity fades to be replaced by quiet confidence in both each other and themselves. After all, who do they have to be afraid of coming between them when they both know they belong to each other, body and soul?

Jinyoung smiles, heart deeply stirred when one day Jaebum confides in him, " You know, I no longer resent that I wasn't your first and only. I guess I've finally come to terms with it when I realised that it was only my experience that gave me the ability to take care of you as best I could. It's because there was comparison, that I see clearer than ever what is true."

He beams at Jinyoung, smile unshadowed and heart in his eyes, and Jinyoung melts, realising spontaneously that he doesn't regret any one of the steps that he has taken to reach Jaebum too. It's been a long and rocky road, but he had learnt to love Jaebum better every step of the way.

 

Jinyoung wakes up and blinks to see Jaebum sleeping peacefully beside him, snoring softly, and smiles dizzily when he remembers. Unable to believe that finally, reality is better than his dreams.

It's been nine years of loving Jaebum, and nearly two of being loved by him. But Jinyoung still wakes up every morning and can't quite believe his luck. Because with the right person, every lifetime feels like a minute and every second is a shooting star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if all goes well, this fic will end in 3 chapters :) this verse is incredibly lucky to be so well-loved and inhabited by so many readers besides myself, and all the warmth it has is entirely because of the people who breathe life into it with their devoted readership ;;


	24. Chapter 24

"And from then on... they all lived happily ever after." Jinyoung closes the children's book and turns to his right to smile down at Dabin, and sees Jaebum smiling at her from his left. Dabin's eyes are round with childish wonder, her face flushed with excitement and enjoyment of the fairy tale full of fantasy and magic, and it makes Jinyoung forget the slight hoarseness of his voice which he knows Jaebum will soothe by lovingly brewing him a cup of his signature honey chamomile citron tea later.

They read to Dabin every other day whenever she requests it, Jaebum calling her a little bookworm with teasing pride and tweaking his daughter's nose. "She takes after her favourite uncle, as expected," he says, winking at Jinyoung. Jinyoung snorts incredulously; when had Jaebum turned into one of those cheesy and awkwardly flirtatious cliches of single dads?

Dabin is still automatically calmed by her father's voice but she seems to prefer Jinyoung's mellow reading dulcet more, picking him over Jaebum more often to read her favourite picture books. Jaebum doesn't seem to mind, looking like he enjoys Jinyoung's narration as much as his daughter as he snuggles up beside her, bracketing her safely between them on his bed, and closes his eyes to listen.

 

Dabin isn't sleepy enough yet, so Jinyoung indulges her sweet request to play her recent favourite game of shadow puppets. In the orange light Jaebum's bedside lamp casts on the wall, he gently takes her much smaller hands in his own and shows her how to form intricate shadows against the glow with her fingers, animals and butterflies and even Jinyoung and Jaebum and a Dabin puppet. Dabin is thrilled; could lose herself in this game for hours if they allowed her.

But soon enough her eyelids are drooping, her small, frail frame easily tired out by all the activity of the day, and Jinyoung smiles quietly at Jaebum over her head as it drops against his chest. Jaebum just watches Jinyoung wrap his arms around his daughter.

Dabin stirs slightly awake after Jinyoung has carried her in his arms towards her nursery, and tenderly laid her warm body down on the child-sized bed Mark had bought her when she outgrew her cot. Her eyes flutter sleepily open to see the exact image of both Jinyoung and Jaebum leaning over her, Jinyoung tucking her in and Jaebum's fingers brushing her feathery hair off her forehead.

Naturally, greeted with this sight, Dabin breaks into a beautiful, happy smile. Jaebum smiles back, bending to kiss her forehead softly. Dabin giggles and kisses his cheek.

"I love you, appa," she declares simply and directly, without embarrassment.

Jaebum doesn't even have time to inhale softly in pleased surprise before she turns her head towards Jinyoung and says with no less warmth and naturalness, "I love you, Uncle Jinyoung."

This time, Jinyoung is the one floored along with Jaebum by the little girl's artless proclamation. Even though this innocent profession is the three words Dabin says most often, repeating it almost every day without fail, it still never fails to bring both of them to their knees.

"We love you too, aegi," Jaebum replies without hesitation, his voice strong and steady. He speaks for Jinyoung naturally without even looking at him, and the words though not directed at him make Jinyoung's chest swell again. The three of them feel so much like a real family unit, the most close-knit one in the world, that his heart is ready to burst.

Dabin titters happily, accepting Jaebum's love without doubts or reservation, feeling entitled to it as she always does and should. "Kiss me goodnight, appa," she murmurs, eyes drooping again drowsily.

Jaebum smiles broadly and obligingly complies, leaning down again. There's no one he's more generous with his kisses than Dabin -- except maybe Jinyoung.

 

Dabin looks satisfied after Jaebum has kissed her cheek sweetly, whispering soothing wordless lullabies into her ear. But just before she falls asleep, she adds her final request: "Kiss Uncle Jinyoung too."

Jaebum looks up, startled, his mouth rounding over the word _What?_ which he thankfully catches in time before the exclamation wakes Dabin. Their eyes meet over her bed, and Jinyoung feels his cheeks flushing furiously.

They quickly break their gaze and awkwardly look down, but Dabin is still staring up at them with half-open eyes, refusing to close them until she gets her wish. Jinyoung sees Jaebum's Adam's apple bob as he swallows, torn between giving in to his daughter's order and declining which might cause her to wake up again pouting.

After fifteen seconds of stilted silence in which the air between them seems to freeze, Jaebum leans closer over Dabin's bed towards a frozen Jinyoung and pecks his cheek chastely and stiffly.

Their eyes drift down to see Dabin still staring up bug-eyed at them. Jinyoung stifles a shudder. Slowly but shrewdly, Dabin raises her hand innocently to point at her own lips, her meaning obvious. Jinyoung thinks he sees a glint of mischievous laughter in her eyes. Damn Jackson and his godparenting.

Jaebum meets Jinyoung's eyes slowly again. This is ridiculous -- but then again, they are as good as her personal slaves and orders are orders. The princess's word is law.

Jinyoung squeezes his eyes shut as Jaebum's face looms closer again, his own eyes tight with excruciating awkwardness. He stiffens up when he feels Jaebum's lips touch his own, ever so lightly, just to satisfy Dabin. Of course Jaebum would never kiss him properly in front of their little girl, not before covering her impressionable eyes. Jinyoung heaves a sigh of relief but gulps when he opens his eyes to see Jaebum still looking at him, carefully blank expression unable to mask the dark glitter in his eyes. The ghost pressure of his lips lingers on Jinyoung's.

Jaebum gives him a small, painfully awkward smile and quickly blinks, looking away. "Satisfied?" he chides his daughter in a mock-exasperated whisper, but his face is wreathed in a tender smile as he tucks her blankets more securely over her shoulder. "Close your eyes, _aegi_. It's bedtime."

Dabin obeys compliantly, shutting her eyes with a contented smile still laced on her lips. Jaebum flicks the light off before Jinyoung can catch his expression, and then he feels Jaebum's arm on his elbow before his eyes adjust to the darkness, gently guiding him towards the closed door and opening it for Jinyoung, following him out quietly.

 

Jaebum just stands there and continues smiling shyly at Jinyoung after he has closed the door, and Jinyoung blushes and looks down at the ground, scuffing it with his toes.

"Well, then... good night, hyung." He turns to start walking away without meeting Jaebum's eyes.

He feels Jaebum's gaze following him, and within a few paces he says, hushed, "Jinyoung."

He turns, both eagerly and hesitantly, heart pattering shallowly. "What?" They're both talking in loud whispers so as not to wake Dabin.

This time, Jaebum is the one who avoids his gaze, looking lost and bashful. "Where are you going?" he whines softly, and Jinyoung almost laughs.

"To my room?"

Jaebum draws in a breath. "Come to mine." His voice is low, urgent and Jinyoung's heart flips when Jaebum touches his lips, eyes flickering down to Jinyoung's mouth with unmistakable hunger.

"Please?" Jaebum adds when he doesn't reply, eyes plaintive.

Jinyoung relents. "Oh, all right. But don't you dare try any funny business. Hands above the waist. I need my sleep; I have an early class tomorrow and you have work."

Jaebum's lips tug up in an untrustworthy smirk. He presses them together and raises his hand solemnly like a boy scout. "I promise."

 

Jaebum is a liar, and they are both late the next day.

 

They are bustling around their house, dressing up and making last-minute preparations and getting everything in order before they leave for their date on Saturday. They're expecting Mark and Jackson to return home to relieve them of their shift and Dabin is watching cartoons on the huge plasma TV bought by -- who else besides -- Mark. Her favourite character in the Powerpuff Girls isn't any of the three heroines, but the evil monkey mastermind Mojo Jojo.

Mark and Jackson burst into the house five minutes late, trailed by Bambam.

Jinyoung gasps at the black eye they both immediately notice starting to bruise and swell on Mark's pretty face. "What happened?"

Jackson makes an impatient noise of exasperation, sighing heavily before clattering into the kitchen to get the first-aid kit. They look expectantly at Bambam, who supplies helpfully, as if he means to sound reassuring, "That's nothing. You should've seen the other guy's condition."

"What other guy? You got into a fight, hyung?" Jinyoung demands shrilly, swinging appalled eyes on Mark. He reaches out to touch the bruise gingerly but Mark flinches away and covers his eye irritably, not answering.

Bambam takes pity on him. "Some dumbass tried to pick Jackson hyung up on our way back and when Jackson said he already had a boyfriend, he was like, 'Who, this scrawny twink?'"

Mark grimaces again at the words, as if pained by reliving the encounter. Loyally, Bambam adds in an aside to Jinyoung, "Trust me, hyung. That rude douche deserved it. A punch was being courteous to him."

Jackson stomps out of the kitchen, looking more pissed off than before.

"Sit your ass down," he snaps, in the way only he dares to be impertinent towards Mark.

Mark flushes but obeys without argument, and Jackson grabs his hand brusquely, which Jaebum and Jinyoung only then notice is scraped on the knuckles too.

Mark flexes his fingers gingerly, but Jackson doesn't attempt to be gentler as he clumsily wraps a roll bandage around Mark's knuckles. But when Jinyoung offers to help, he says shortly, "No. I got it."

Mark watches him, looking frustrated but not saying anything. The other three continue watching the awkward tension stretch, unable to tear their nosy eyes away. Jackson abruptly stands up after he's done with his sloppy bandage and shuffles back into the kitchen. He returns with a bag of ice and tosses it unceremoniously in Mark's direction, who barely manages to catch it with his quick reflexes. Then Jackson turns on his heel huffily and takes big strides up the stairs to his room.

"Jackson," Mark calls, raising his voice. He looks frustrated and embarrassed to be witnessed by the other three but his eyes remain tensely on Jackson's retreating back.

Jackson stops mid-stair but doesn't turn around. "What?" he says flatly.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper -- but why are you so mad?"

Jaebum jumps beside him slightly as Jackson swivels around to glower down from above, his eyes fiery. "I'm mad because you hurt your precious hand hitting a scumbag who isn't worthy of it, okay?" he bursts out, seeming to forget the rest of them. "Satisfied?" He glares down at Mark before turning on his heel again and flouncing away haughtily.

The only one of them left in the room, Mark blushes slightly under their bug-eyed gazes at the drama. He presses the ice pack on his bruised eye and shoulders his bag, starting heavily up to his own room.

But midway there, he stops at the same place Jackson had and turns to look down at Jaebum and Jinyoung, offering a weak smile. "Go on for your date, guys. Don't worry about Dabin."

"You don't worry too, hyung! I'll take care of her; you just go rest." Bambam bustles towards him, acting like Jinyoung as he ushers Mark towards his bedroom. Mark looks hesitant but gives him a grateful smile and lets himself be pushed in.

Jaebum and Jinyoung widen their eyes at each other, but know Bambam can be counted on and so follow Mark's advice and head out for their slightly late date.

"Hang on," Jinyoung pauses outside the gate, and Jaebum looks at him with concern, but Jinyoung quickly laughs reassuringly and says, "Did I see wrongly or did Mark hyung go into Jackson's room?"

"Yeah, but Jackson's room _is_ Mark's room," Jaebum points out.

Jinyoung chortles in unfettered amusement. "Bet you ten bucks they'll have made up by the time we come home."

Jaebum smiles, and as always, lets Jinyoung win.

 

Maybe, Jinyoung thinks, as Jaebum boldly takes his hand walking down the street, among the milling people, he was right that no matter how long two people have been together, jealousy can still rear its ugly head at the most unexpected times.

Jinyoung doesn't take pleasure in his friends' lovers' tiff, but he feels somehow reassured knowing that Jackson and Mark too face rough patches and fear of losing each other in their relationship. It makes his own insecurity about Jaebum as well as Jaebum's about him feel much more normal and common, since Mark and Jackson are the most loving and model couple they both know.

 

He never thought it would be something he misses now, but before he graduated, Jaebum would drop by his classes when the bell rang to pick Jinyoung up to walk to the cafeteria or his next class, when he had a free period. And sometimes Jinyoung would be chatting with his classmates while packing up his books when Jaebum would suddenly appear out of nowhere making him jump with both pleased surprise and alarm. He had almost never sought Jinyoung out in any of his classes at the university before they started dating but now he seemed to know Jinyoung's schedule almost as well as his own.

Once, he was stretching against the long wooden desk after a lengthy and tiring lecture, and Jaebum had appeared behind him abruptly and pulled Jinyoung's jacket which he hadn't even realised had slipped down over his shoulders, exposing them, back up over his bare skin.

He took Jinyoung's hand, barely letting him make polite excuses before stealing him away from the classmates he was talking to, practically kidnapping him from the classroom. Jinyoung struggled to keep up with his strident pace as Jaebum dragged him down the halls.

"Where are you taking me, hyung?" he demanded breathlessly, but Jaebum didn't answer until he pushed Jinyoung up against the door of a stall in the men's toilet and kissed him till he didn't have enough breath to even speak.

"What... Why?" he gasped, wiping his swollen lips after he had managed to catch his breath.

Jaebum just leveled grim eyes at him. "You know the guy you were talking to just now has a crush on you," he stated flatly. "Right?"

"What? No... Do you know him?" He was flabbergasted.

"No," Jaebum replied, mouth set. "But I don't need to know him to see the obvious." He closed his fingers over the lapels of Jinyoung's jacket and Jinyoung thought he was going to kiss him again but he just pulled it tighter over his chest and buttoned it up with almost chaste meticulousness.

Jaebum raised his head from where he was fastening the last button like Jinyoung was Dabin. His eyes weren't annoyed or upset, but unexpectedly soft and tender.

"Promise me you won't take off your clothes around other guys again?" he asked quietly, a note of teasing creeping into his voice but eyes serious.

All Jinyoung could do then was nod, throat dry and heart still pounding.

But that night when they got home and were lying in bed together, Jaebum still pushed the collar of Jinyoung's shirt down and sucked a red mark into Jinyoung's shoulder.

"I told you I wouldn't take off my jacket again," Jinyoung gasped, breathless and feeling much more pleased than he sounded.

Jaebum just peppered butterfly kisses over the kiss mark, soothing the slight sting. "I can't take the risk," he whispered in reply, smiling against Jinyoung's skin.

 

Another time, he had been the one who slammed Jaebum up against the door of his room the moment they got home.

"What's wrong? Why did you drag me all the way back?" Jaebum panted breathlessly, arousal and worry battling in his eyes.

"Because you," Jinyoung enunciated the words clearly, pinning Jaebum's eyes with his own penetrating ones, "checked out that hot guy we walked past just now. The one who smiled at you."

"What?!" Jaebum squeaked, voice an octave higher. "Who?" he sputtered nervously. "I didn't! He wasn't smiling at me!"

Jinyoung just narrowed his eyes at him, pinioning Jaebum motionless to the door with his arm locked over Jaebum's chest. Jaebum swallowed at the intensity of his eyes.

"Fine, he was but I didn't smile back, and I definitely didn't check him out, okay?" he finally confessed, looking jittery but indignant.

Jinyoung frowned and didn't say anything. But he did proceed to attack Jaebum's lips like a starving man, and after he had kissed Jaebum delirious backed him against the bed and pushed him down, clambering on top.

He had made Jaebum beg for Jinyoung to fuck him that day as he straddled him and rode him mercilessly through his clothes, taunting and teasing almost cruelly.

When Jaebum was wrecked and pushed to his very limits, Jinyoung drained from the effort of tormenting him too, they lay flat on their backs on Jinyoung's bed and Jaebum blurted out, as if belatedly realising, "Oh, god... were you jealous?"

Jinyoung just turned to look at him, reaching out to caress his pinkening cheeks.

"How could I not be?" he countered softly and helplessly.

 

Jaebum comes home from work late tired and frazzled one night, and frowns when he walks into the house to see Dabin's Lego blocks out of their box and scattered all over the living room.

"Who allowed her to make such a mess?" he asks, walking into the kitchen where a few of them are around getting ready for dinner. He spies his daughter perched on a chair, her head barely coming up to the table. "Dabin-ah, go pick up your Legos before dinner," he says tiredly, massaging his temples.

"No!" Dabin retorts loudly, surprising them. "I'm hungry."

Jaebum's hands pause on his face, expression darkening slightly at being opposed.

"Appa told you to go and pick them up first. Someone might trip over them and hurt themselves." He gazes at her sternly, voice low.

Dabin just makes a _hmpf_ sound and sticks her nose in the air, turning her head away.

Jaebum's jaw sets but when he takes a step forward, Jinyoung quickly intercedes, putting down the spatula and drying his hands.

"I'll go pick them up, don't worry," he coaxes soothingly, placing a hand on Jaebum's shoulder and trying to turn him around to go to change out of his work clothes.

But Jaebum says, "No," eyes still on Dabin and tight with irritation. "You're spoiling her." He reiterates his usual grumble, but this time wihout warmth. "She's old enough to pick up after herself." He doesn't bother to keep his voice too low for her to hear.

Jinyoung glances fretfully at the girl, whose face is starting to redden in the way that means she's close to tears. He sighs, feeling exasperated that Jaebum seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill -- so what if Dabin is too lazy and hungry to pick up her toys once? It's not the end of the world -- but he senses that this is a battle of wills between father and daughter that though rare because of their good relationship, has still started to occur more and more as Dabin grows older and less obedient.

 

He knows no one can rile Jaebum up quite like his own daughter. But sometimes the look in their eyes when they are pitting their obstinacy against each other makes Jinyoung stop and stare, because of the uncanny resemblance. They are both equally hardheaded and bullheaded and more similar to each other than either realise.

In the end, today, Dabin throws a tantrum, eventually slinking to clear up the mess in the living room, looking chastised under her father's stern gaze and folded arms. But she makes it clear how unwilling she is by bawling loudly the whole time like she's a baby again and refusing to eat after that no matter how much any of them try to coax her.

In the end, Mark picks her up gently and murmurs soothingly to her that she doesn't have to eat if she doesn't want to; and he'll take her to bed. He exchanges a reassuring glance with Jaebum over her head as he carries her to her nursery and Jackson finishes up his own meal and gets to his feet too, filling her plastic bowl with food and grabbing her utensils.

"We'll make sure she doesn't skip dinner, hyung. Don't worry," he tells Jaebum kindly, knowing what he's worrying about quietly even though he can't lower his pride to say it.

"Thanks, Jackson-ah," Jinyoung helps him answer. Jaebum just buries his face in his own bowl and shovels rice into his mouth, still angry.

 

Jaebum remains sitting at the dinner table after the rest have dispersed, while Jinyoung clears up the dishes and wraps the leftovers. He usually helps Jinyoung with this task but Jinyoung had sat him down and opened a bottle of beer for him, telling him to relax tonight. He looks so tired that Jinyoung's heart goes out to him.

After he finishes the dishwashing, he approaches Jaebum from behind, sliding his hands gently over his shoulder. Jaebum sighs and leans back against his body, putting down the beer, so Jinyoung starts giving him a shoulder massage, working the knots out of his tense muscles.

"She's just a child," he says soothingly, knowing what Jaebum is still dwelling on. "You shouldn't be so strict on her."

"You're too lenient," Jaebum retorts irritably, but he doesn't sound harsh on Jinyoung as much as himself. "As the saying goes, spare the rod, spoil the child."

"She's getting rebellious," Jaebum adds more quietly, looking frustrated as he takes another pull of his beer, and Jinyoung senses his real preoccupation -- that Dabin is acting out because of some psychological reasons caused by her rocky young childhood.

He continues rubbing Jaebum's shoulders, trying to reassure him that his worries are uncalled for. Whether Dabin was being deliberately difficult to try and get her father's attention, or just throwing a harmless childish tantrum, Jinyoung is sure it's nothing deeper or more serious than that. "It's a normal phase for most children. Don't worry too much," he tells Jaebum, who just sighs again and says, "You're probably right."

 

They push the door of her nursery open on their way back to their bedrooms and Jaebum stops on the threshold, stiffening with anxiety when they see her bed empty. Jinyoung places a hand on his arm and whispers, "She's probably in Mark and Jackson's."

They head there, and sure enough find her. "She cried herself to sleep," Mark whispers as Jackson places his index finger over his mouth from where they are sitting like guardian angels on either side of her on the bed. Dabin is curled up in a tight ball, in a fetal position and Jinyoung hears Jaebum inhale softly with guilt and aching tenderness beside him.

He knows why -- because they can both see what Dabin is clutching tightly, even in her sleep: the security blankie that she had arrived on their doorstep wrapped up in, the pink cotton blanket that has been washed countless times and is raggedy and faded but Dabin had still remained inseparable from up till the age of two.

She has been able to fall asleep without cuddling it for months now, but tonight she seems to have reverted back to how she looked at barely a year old with her fists clenched up in it and her face buried in the scent. Jaebum's shoulders dip into themselves, like his heart is breaking.

Jinyoung pushes him forward gently with a light hand on his back. "Go get her," he prompts encouragingly, knowing Jaebum wants nothing more than to embrace her forgivingly right now, and is regretting his short temper.

Jaebum doesn't need any more encouragement, moving forward in the silence all of them are maintaining so as not to wake her and picking her up with a gentleness that if Dabin was awake and could feel, would be sufficient to express to her how sorry Jaebum feels for not being kinder.

Jaebum picks her up still wrapped in her blankie and Jinyoung catches a glimpse of the drying tear tracks on her flushed cheeks as it slips while Jaebum passes him on his way to the door. Jinyoung hurries to open and close it for him, shooting Mark and Jackson a hasty smile of gratitude.

Jaebum carries his daughter back to her bedroom as if she weighs nothing, never taking his eyes off her. Jinyoung sighs again and wonders why they're so mulish and silly, why they can't just let their pride down and express honestly to each other what's so obvious to everyone else -- they love and care for each other deeply, as reflected in Dabin's tears and Jaebum's tenderness. Neither enjoy having disagreements with the other, but are both too proud to admit it.

But, he knows with confident certainty as he opens Dabin's nursery door for them, they'll make it through somehow. He's sure of it from the delicate gentleness with which Jaebum bends to lay her in the middle of her downy bed, brushing away the traces of her tears with the softest touch of his fingers and lingering to watch her slumber.

 

"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebum says his name low later, back outside her nursery. Jinyoung turns, questioning, to find his eyes beseeching and uncertain, almost afraid. "Don't let me fuck this up," Jaebum says, looking down with his hands knotted.

Jinyoung reaches down for his hands immediately, fumbles to lace both together with his own. He knows better than anyone that Jaebum is navigating the uncharted territory of parenthood purely by trial and error. There's no map to parenting and no one to tell him whether what he's doing is right. Only Jinyoung can be his beacon, his lighthouse in the dark when the seas get rough and storms threaten.

As Dabin swiftly and steadily grows bigger and older till she can no longer be called a baby anymore, there are bound to be growing pains and challenges to face. But Jinyoung firmly believes, as he tells Jaebum softly but reassuringly, "Our baby is a big girl now. She'll be fine. And I'll look out for you; won't let you make a mistake. I've got your back, as always." He says the last words with a steady smile.

Jaebum finally relaxes into a small smile. "I trust you," he says, weaving their fingers more tightly together.

"Want to sleep over tonight?" Jinyoung asks cheekily, as if they are fifteen again.

Jaebum looks up at him, surprised but eager. "But..." he keeps himself in check. "You have classes tomorrow. And I had a long day."

"That's exactly why you need to hug your favourite human bolster," Jinyoung winks, wriggling shamelessly into the crook of Jaebum's heavy arm. Jaebum immediately wraps it around him, pulling Jinyoung closer to his body.

"You're right," he says, his breathless, quiet laugh like honey to Jinyoung's ear.

 

It's been almost two years since Dabin broke into their lives, throwing feelings previously in shadow into illumination and changing everyone in different ways, but all for the better. She's been the best and most important project of their college lives, the glue that held them together.

These boys; this frat, Jinyoung thinks. He's going to miss them like a limb in the future that they can see more unignorably than ever, increasingly clear and near.

In the past two years, he's watched both Dabin and Jaebum grow and develop -- the daughter into her own individual person, tiny but free-spirited; and the father from a greenhorn and amateur young, first-time parent into a man more infinitely capable and confident of his abilities. Jaebum has grown both as a father and a person, and Jinyoung has never been prouder of any of his achievements.

He knows Jaebum still feels that he's lacking, still sees only his room for improvement, but the reason Jaebum is truly Jinyoung's role model and has proven himself worthy of this position, is the way he handled the greatest upheaval in his life so far, a sea change really, with sensitivity, strength and bravery.

Not many twenty-two year olds would be able to spontaneously take on the gauntlet of fatherhood. And Dabin is so lucky, Jinyoung thinks, that her father turned out to be reliable, trustworthy and responsible Jaebum. And he believes she feels the same.

 

When they had made the trip to the hospital for their health check-ups, Jinyoung had asked Jaebum whether he wanted to get the DNA test with Dabin done too, at the same time so he could place down the last of his doubts he was carrying. He was surprised when Jaebum told him, smiling, that he had already set them down some time ago, with Sooyeon's help.

But then again, he's not surprised. Because even as an outsider, he can see that the bond between the pair of parent and child is something deeper and stronger than DNA and more undeniable. Maybe, as Jaebum called it, parental instinct.

Dabin used to resemble her mother more when she was younger, but as she grows older Jinyoung sees more and more unmistakable traces of Jaebum in not just her face, but also her mannerisms, expressions and simply her personality and even the way she smiles and laughs.

"I can see why," he had told Jaebum teasingly. "She's a chip off the old block."

Jaebum had looked pleased by his compliment, but groaned and complained halfheartedly again, "She's growing up so fast. I miss her being a baby. Where have the years gone?"

"You sound like an old fart," Jinyoung ribbed him mercilessly, but Jaebum accepted the insult self-deprecatingly.

"I feel like one," he admitted.

 

Now, Jinyoung sees clearly how far Jaebum has come from that clueless and bumbling twenty-two year old boy who found Dabin on his doorstep, to this twenty-four year old man leaning over her bed and tucking the sleeping child in with experienced ease, looking calm and undaunted. It's the morning after and they had woken up in Jaebum's bed early for school and work respectively. Jaebum wanted to check in on Dabin again before they left but they're careful not to wake her as it's still early and she had a long tiring night. Jinyoung is sure Jaebum will return home tonight with some gift or other to make Dabin smile and win her favour back, effortlessly squirming into her good graces again. He is normally cautious about being thrifty and frugal, not wanting to spoil Dabin with material goods so she will grow up down-to-earth and humble, except on the occasions he does as a silent apology or offering.

Jinyoung looks at the broad smile Jaebum's eyes disappear into, gets a whiff of the calming and lovely-smelling mixture of jasmine and sandalwood that is his fragrance, with the lightest additional tinge of daisies recently from Dabin's baby lotion. The twin beauty marks above his left eye that form a constellation of two.

Unbidden, it returns to him; that day at eighteen when Jinyoung couldn't deceive himself any longer, knew for sure that what he felt for his best friend couldn't be anything other than romantic love. He had been in denial for years, trying to push down feelings that only seemed to grow larger and more overwhelming like Jaebum's presence in his heart, trying to put them in a box and shut the lid over them.

He remembers that day at eighteen when Jinyoung had wanted him with a ferocity that scared him, so overpowering he couldn't breathe; wanted to become the Achilles' heel of this boy who seemingly had none. He remembers the lonely years that followed as he continued to wrestle and struggle with his feelings and eventually gave in because it was more tiring _not_ loving Jaebum than loving him, because he was worn out of fighting something that was indefatigable. For better or for worse, he knew that Jaebum was in his heart to stay and not going anywhere.

Jaebum had always taken the lead in their friendship from the start, partly because he was older and also Jinyoung liked being led. Since thirteen, all he was able to see was Jaebum's strong shoulders and the back of his head as Jinyoung carefully and eagerly filled his footsteps in the sand, running to catch up with his pace. This scenery took up the entire field of his vision until one day he tried to see beyond it, outside of it and realised he couldn't anymore. He realised that somewhere along the way, Jaebum had grown to become his entire universe.

Falling in love with Jaebum hadn't just been easy -- it was effortless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my sweet commenters requested that i write some more of jinyoung being jealous over jaebum in the last chapter, so i added back a scene that i'd originally trimmed out of the plot already because it was kinda filler haha. its not very long but i hope you like it :)


	25. Chapter 25

And for the years that followed after he came to terms with difficulty, it was enough -- just being able to stay by Jaebum's side in the capacity of his best friend, watching over him and protecting him and taking care of him and being taken care of.

Till it wasn't.

He had told himself sternly and practically that friendship was better than nothing. It was the best he could get, the best he could hope for as a boy. Jinyoung would watch the Paralympics and he would ask himself -- if handicapped people didn't let their disabilities stand in the way of pursuing their dreams, then why should he let his gender?

And almost immediately, he would know the answer. Because he didn't only have himself to consider. He had to think about Jaebum too, how it would affect him. And Jinyoung couldn't be selfish and only care about what he wanted. That wasn't love. That was forcing his one-sided feelings on the object of his desire.

And so he assumed that his college years would go on in much the same way as his high school ones. What he hadn't counted on was the appearance of Dabin. As much as it was for Jaebum, initially, it had also been for him a bolt of lightning out of the blue. He felt like his hopes had been dashed, his dreams crumbling. He could never have imagined how the little girl would help bring Jaebum and him together, how the three of them would end up with what they have today, this precious bond that feels thicker than blood.

 

And watching them fall in love with each other, Jinyoung had fallen in love with Jaebum all over again, and fallen just as deeply and hopelessly for his daughter for the first time. He had fallen in love with Jaebum's daughter just as quickly and unstoppably as he had fallen in love with her father -- but Jinyoung believes that even if Dabin hadn't belonged to Jaebum, he would still have tumbled just as equally head over heels for her. He chuckles at the thought; it must be in the Im family genes to be irresistible to Parks.

And after Dabin's arrival, he knew clearer than ever that he was a goner. Because Jaebum was the father Jinyoung had known and been so afraid he would be -- selfless and devoted, falling for his daughter hard and fast without self-preservation. It was three years later when Jinyoung realised he still wanted to be loved in that way only Jaebum could -- fiercely and wholeheartedly, breathtaking and passionate.

He's never dared to believe in miracles -- and yet, Jinyoung thinks that this has to be one; the way their union was sweeter for the obstacles they had gone through to reach there.

 

Eleven years, Jinyoung can imagine Jaebum saying with a tender laugh, and he's still as big a sap as ever. But he can't help it, because even after a decade and one together, Jaebum still intrigues and mystefies and confounds Jinyoung just as much as the very first day. He's like one of those Russian nesting dolls, a layer after another, like a never-ending present Jinyoung wants to painstakingly unwrap for the rest of his life till he reaches the innermost core. It's inconceivable but true -- every day, Jinyoung still learns something new about Jaebum.

Jaebum had earned his respect the hard way, little by little through the years. He had been the roots that tethered Jinyoung to the earth when he was a willow swaying precariously in the storm and the anchor that kept him steady when he lost his way and direction. That was why when Jaebum had asked Jinyoung to take the lead in bed first, he had agreed without second thoughts or hesitation. It was an honour that after all these years of leading Jinyoung, Jaebum wanted to be led by him; was giving up the wheel to Jinyoung and trusting him to take charge. It was the greatest honour in the world to lead Jaebum and relieve his burden of leadership for a short while.

No matter how far they wander, Jinyoung's thoughts always come back to one thing -- the way Jaebum calls his name; the way he and only he in the world says the three syllables _Jinyoung-ah_ , shy, soft and warm. Making his ordinary and nondescript name sound like the most beautiful and ethereal words in the Korean language.

 

As if reading what he is thinking just by looking at his face, he hears those exact syllables now in Jaebum's honey-and-molasses voice, drawing him back to the sun-dappled present.

"Jinyoung-ah."

Jinyoung blinks, refocusing. Jaebum is looking at him with a ghost of a smile on his face, like he wants to smile but is too stricken by what he sees on Jinyoung's. His eyes are achingly soft and stripped clear, and in their transparent clarity Jinyoung can see himself reflected like a mirror, the hunger in his eyes, the helpless and quiet almost bruised tenderness. He can feel his face turning bright red, hot enough to fry an egg on it.

"Is this how you look at me when I'm not looking?" Jaebum asks softly, surprising him. His own eyes scour Jinyoung's expression avidly, as if wanting to commit every detail to memory. Jinyoung tries to rearrange his face self-consciously.

"W-why?" he bites his lip guardedly, readying himself for teasing.

But Jaebum just lets the smile tugging on the corners of his lips pull them up into his full grin. "Nothing. I just... always wanted a Polaroid of it."

The few words are sufficient to turn Jinyoung completely into a boiled lobster. He doesn't answer Jaebum's question, but this _is_ probably the way Jinyoung has always watched him -- with craving, with aching desire. Because Jaebum is the only one who can inflame Jinyoung; who can set his heart on fire.

It's probably unhealthy, the amount he loves Jaebum; but Jinyoung can't help it. Because when it's for Jaebum, Jinyoung doesn't even look before he falls. He knows that in love it's best not to give away your whole heart, that one should keep a portion for oneself; but it's not something he can control or ration. Because if Jaebum asks him to jump, the only thing Jinyoung will ask is, "How far?"

Every dawn, he wakes up and thinks, "Today is the day. Today is the day he will be less precious to me, when it will be a little easier to breathe without him."

But then he will hear Jaebum calling his name like a siren song and see that beautiful disappearing-eyes smile and he will realise with a sense of resignation, _Nope. Not today. Maybe never_.

 

Jaebum brings up the suggestion of him adopting Dabin on the veranda, during one of their heart-to-hearts, one of the traditions that haven't altered from their relationship of friends to lovers. He looks so serious and earnest that it makes Jinyoung smile.

"I don't think it's possible, since she already has two biological parents on her birth certificate," he replies gently. "Though I would love nothing more in the world."

Jaebum ponders this thoughtfully and nods regretfully. Jinyoung appreciates the thought; the knowledge that Jaebum wants to have a child together with him. He wonders if this will be a possibility in the future, and for the first time, standing before it next to Jaebum like this, anything seems possible.

"You're right," Jaebum says smiling. "It doesn't matter anyway whether you're her legal parent, because you're already her favourite uncle."

"How do you know?" Jinyoung teases. "I mean, she has so many uncles. The competition is pretty intense."

"I know my daughter," Jaebum declares confidently and immediately. "And she loves her Uncle Jinyoungie the best."

Jinyoung snorts, hiding his flustered pink face with a pull of his beer. "Are you sure you aren't talking about yourself?" he can't resist continuing to tease.

Jaebum blushes too, not denying his bias. "Well, both of us." He waves a careless hand. "Like father, like daughter."

 

Deep down, Jinyoung knows that he has a special place in Dabin's heart too, among all the adults who love her. He can see it, feel the bond she has towards him from the kisses she only blows to him; from the pictures and drawings she singles him out to show to only; from how she comes to him first when she's upset or hurt to kiss her boo-boos better. From the way she totters into his arms so trustingly and happily and he's the only one she never sulks or is disagreeable with, and from the way she picked him out of all her uncles and parents when Jaebum asked who she wanted to accompany her to the first day of nursery school which they had enrolled her ridiculously early in advance like one of those power parents obssessed with giving their children the best possible education.

He doesn't mind not being Dabin's _umma_ , or godfather, or even father -- because he's something much better; has a much more unique identity than any of this: her Uncle Jinyoungie. There's no one else in the world like him.

 

As if he's trying to outdo Jinyoung in sappiness and cheesiness, Jaebum takes out his handphone, brushing his thumb over the home screen which is a selfie of Jinyoung and Dabin, taken by himself.

"My Jinyoungie and Dabinnie," he murmurs fondly, as if one of them isn't sitting right next to him. Jinyoung kindly refrains from asking if he's a little drunk already, secretly enjoying Jaebum's rare display of demonstrativeness.

"What did I do to deserve the two most beautiful people in the world loving me?" Jaebum continues, making the cheese meter shoot up.

"I'm the happiest man in the world," Jaebum finishes seriously, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth as he meets Jinyoung's eyes. Yeah, he's definitely not completely sober.

"The happiest _cheeseball_ ," Jinyoung corrects, huffing to hide his own ridiculously aching smile threatening to split his face in two.

Jaebum chuckles, way too pleased by the insult. "It's your fault," he says softly, smile growing into a remorseless smirk. "You bring out the cheesy side of me."

 

"But really," he muses, growing serious and looking out at the sky again, sighing in contentment. "I can't believe I ever thought Dabin's arrival was a disaster instead of a blessing." He meets Jinyoung's eyes again. "When it's one of the two best things that ever happened to me."

 

They will swear up and down later that they weren't drunk when they got their second matching tattoo done at the same parlour again, by the same amused artist. And they both know they weren't. Neither of them regret the decision even when they recover their sobriety completely, because what could be more meaningful, profound and beautiful than a tattoo of Dabin's name in Hangul on both their biceps?

Jackson looks comically and satisfyingly jealous, eyes popping out when they unveil it and looking ready to rush out and outdo them by getting a bigger one across his chest or forehead if Mark hadn't stopped him prudently.

They show it to Dabin, the person whose opinion matters most and reaction they are most looking forward to, on her birthday. The way she unexpectedly bursts into happy tears and leaps into both their arms in a bear hug tells both of them more than anything else how much she has grown up, and is the greatest gratification.

(Though Jaebum nearly has a coronary when Dabin announces decisively that the moment she reaches the legal age, she will get both his and Jinyoung's names tattooed on her body.)

Maybe it's tacky to have more than one couple tattoo, but who cares? At least they know this is one tattoo they won't regret as long as they live.

 

It's true, Jinyoung thinks to himself smiling. Fate never makes mistakes. Though the future had once seemed obscured and dim, in the end, everything had turned out perfectly. Life is constantly shifting and full of uncertainties, but Jinyoung knows he's one of the lucky ones to have had an unwavering and unbendable constant in his life, a pillar to lean on in times of weakness. Destiny really does exist, he thinks romantically. It can't be seen or touched, but like the best and most precious of magic -- it doesn't have to be.

Despite all indication otherwise, despite all outward appearances and them both being born as boys in a world where there is still a certain stigma about homosexuality, is it possible that Jaebum is and has always been the one for him? The only one?

Even before he knew what love was, even when they were still two innocent, sniveling brats playing hopscotch together, it was already habitual for Jaebum to make his home in Jinyoung's heart. Jaebum has always been that same person Jinyoung can lean on -- steadfast, righteous and immovable. Jinyoung always thought he could see a map in Jaebum's eyes, and he wondered if it led to his future.

Now, he realises that it doesn't just lead there -- it's his very future, embodied and contained in this man standing before him. Life is short and senseless and shaky and fragile, often filled with more pain than pleasure but they had been so incredibly lucky to brave the winds and the hailstorms and find each other. And Jinyoung wants to spend every day of the rest of his life treasuring this rare and priceless fortune, counting his blessings even though they seem as countless as the stars in the night sky --

 

That they tilt their heads to gaze up at, their hands carelessly intertwined on a moonlight stroll on the beach on their second anniversary, exactly two years after the night Jinyoung confessed to Jaebum. Jaebum hadn't accepted his feelings till some time after that but he insists that he had loved Jinyoung unconsciously since way before that day, so they're even.

The year is approaching its end, and Jinyoung and Jackson will be graduating soon. He's thankful to have managed to get some freelance work lined up writing articles for the magazine he used to model for with his degree in Korean literature, to supplement his income as an aspiring part-time actor. He's glad he had gone ahead and taken the risk to take up a major and minor his parents called "impractical", while Jaebum had played it safe by choosing to major in business administration, although he has turned out to put it into less use than his minor. It's just another of their many similarities that their interests lie in the same field and it would be a dream come true if one day they could work together on a project with Jaebum behind the camera watching Jinyoung through the viewfinder.

Jinyoung tears his eyes reluctantly from the tea lights of the constellations sprinkled across the night sky like sugar dust and gazes at Jaebum, wondering what he's thinking. His dark eyes are impenetrable and impossible to read. Earlier in the evening, Jaebum had reserved a table in a pricey restaurant and Jinyoung had met him there after work, both of them dressed up and looking more dapper than usual. Jaebum was wearing a midnight blue suit over a crisp white dress shirt and bow tie, Jinyoung's watch flashing smartly from his wrist, looking dashing as a prince on a copper coin.

Jinyoung's heart was beating faster than usual, wondering if Jaebum had gone to these lengths just to celebrate their anniversary or if he had something else planned, especially when a musician with a violin walked out to serenade him till he blushed and Jaebum held his hand over the table, gazing deeply into his eyes like they were the only people in the restaurant. The whole set-up was so cliche that Jinyoung admitted... he almost expected to find a ring in his dessert.

But when he gingerly dipped the spoon into the tiny cup of creme brulee, moving it around a little discreetly and then eating it carefully so he wouldn't accidentally swallow any romantic metal, he was half-disappointed and half-relieved to find nothing there.

He looked up to see Jaebum watching him with amusement, as if knowing exactly what was going through his mind. But when Jinyoung blushed and cleared his throat, Jaebum only looked back down calmly and finished his own dessert, and Jinyoung felt more relief-disappointment.

 

Now, he's starting to feel less anticlimactic, realising that even without a sweeping romantic gesture or one of Jaebum's trademark cliche surprises, this is still an evening to remember. Everything is absolutely perfect, the moonlight; the shifting sand beneath his shoes; the utter desertion and tranquility of the endless stretch of beach; and the gentle and rhythmic lapping of the wavelets on the shore, when Jaebum suddenly steps in front of him, blocking his way and kneeling down before Jinyoung on one bended knee.

Jinyoung gasps as Jaebum clumsily unzips his briefcase with shaking hands, withdrawing a slightly crushed but still breathtakingly voluminous bouquet of verdant red roses and then fumbles in his pocket, his hand emerging holding a tiny velvet box. He drops his briefcase on the sand by his side carelessly.

Jinyoung's hand is on his mouth to stop his heart from leaping out thrashing onto the sand in front of him, his eyes rapidly blinking away the tears that blur his vision of this unbelievably beautiful and dreamlike sight as Jaebum pops open the box, his other hand holding the roses up to Jinyoung and says, voice trembling,

"Jinyoung-ah, I know I'm not good enough for you... but will you marry your clumsy Jaebum hyung?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably the shortest chapter so far because the lame, easily amused part of me wanted to end it with the proposal lol and also the cheesiest i wont be surprised if readers cringe while reading it bc i almost cringed myself into oblivion writing lmao. also i was debating whether to phrase the proposal as "jinyoung-ah, will you marry hyung?" and what i went with in the end but i legit changed it at the last second because the former sounded too simple to me haha let me know which you think sounds better! :) this chapter is for Samsal thank you so much for your sweet sweet comments on the last few chaps ;;


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls prepare for extreme disgusting gooeyness ahead lmfao

"Nine roses," Jaebum supplies, noticing him starting to count them belatedly after he finishes freaking out and embarrassing himself completely in the process (literally, specifically by jumping up and down screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" and then tackling Jaebum down into the sand, making both the ring and flowers fall). "Meaning _Be mine for eternity_."

Jaebum smirks smoothly at him from where they are still sprawled over each other in the sand, in a position which should feel uncomfortable from the grains getting into their clothes but feels breathlessly and unbelievably romantic. Jinyoung blushes and accepts the bouquet from his hand shyly. "Oh."

"Will you?" Jaebum asks, as he picks up the box and dusts it off, carefully extracting the slim and simple silver band glinting in the moonlight from its pillow.

His eyes are glimmering as he takes Jinyoung's hand and extends it towards his ring finger shyly, never once taking his eyes off Jinyoung.

Jinyoung's own hand is trembling with eager excitement in his, the cool metal feeling like coming home when Jaebum slides it easily on. "It's perfect," he breathes. "A perfect fit."

Jaebum blushes and looks flattered. "I had to guess your size, but I'm glad I got it right."

 

He takes another ring out of his pocket, this one unboxed but identical. "Help me wear mine?" he smiles eagerly, extending his own hand.

Jinyoung gasps softly and immediately takes it. He catches sight of writing on the inner rim and brings it closer to his eyes. "You engraved something?"

Jaebum nods, smile growing. "Guess what." He places his hand over Jinyoung's, curling his fingers around his so he can't peek.

Jinyoung grins. "Umm... _J heart J_?"

Jaebum bursts out laughing and shakes his head.

"I give up," Jinyoung pants, wrenching his hand free of Jaebum's unable to stand the suspense. His breath catches when he unfurls his hand to reveal the small cursive word on the inside of Jaebum's ring in the ivory moonlight.

It's his name.

Tears cloud his eyes again, and Jaebum laughs tenderly, wiping them away.

"Do you like it?" he asks hesitantly. "Help me put it on already, crybaby. My hand is getting tired," he jokes gently.

Jinyoung quickly acquiesces, clumsily pushing it onto Jaebum's finger where it glistens proudly, looking absolutely perfect and at home there.

"Are you kidding?" he blubbers, managing to stop his leaking eyes. "How did you guess that your name is exactly what I always dreamt of having engraved on my wedding ring?"

Jaebum's eyes crescent into an enormous smile, obviously incredibly pleased.

"Because I'm your soulmate," he says, voice quiet as he reaches out for Jinyoung's ringed hand with his own. "Never forget that."

"How could I ever?" Jinyoung answers helplessly.

 

"You're such a romantic," Jaebum chuckles, letting Jinyoung nestle into his chest and hug him wrapping his arms tightly around Jaebum's back and pressing his ear to his beating heart. They're still sitting on the sand, Jinyoung awkwardly between Jaebum's legs but he doesn't mind staying in this position for the next ten years.

"You're such a cynic," Jinyoung returns good-naturedly, following the script of the conversation they have repeated many times through the years. Jinyoung has his pensive and introspective side too, but he likes playing up his idealism, being the light to Jaebum's darkness.

When Jaebum doesn't argue, Jinyoung adds, "How could I not be one, when my fantasy came true?"

"Am I your fantasy?" Jaebum sounds both amused and flattered, fishing for compliments.

Jinyoung nods, smiling against his warm solid and wonderful-smelling body. "The wildest," he murmurs.

 

Forever has never sounded better than it does right now. How could eternity not be enough? But it isn't, not by a long shot, when it's with Jaebum. Forever is a long time, but with the right person, length is relative.

"All these years," Jaebum says softly, echoing the words Jinyoung said two years ago on this night, his voice filled with feeling. Jinyoung looks up at him. Jaebum places a large hand on the side of his head and strokes his hair, pressing him against his heartbeat. "I've kept you waiting."

Jinyoung smiles shakily, willing himself not to start sniffling again. It's like the tiredness from the past decade has simultaneously caught up with him, and left him at the exact same time. He feels weightless as a feather, right where he's supposed to be.

"Years are nothing," he replies quietly, gazing firmly into Jaebum's eyes. "You're worth waiting _lifetimes_ for, hyung."

The look on Jaebum's face tells him everything. Finally, Jinyoung isn't alone in his emotional tearing.

Jaebum dashes his arm across his eyes, looking embarrassed by revealing his unmasculine side. "But still," he says gently, understandingly. "It hasn't been easy, has it?"

"No, it wasn't easy," Jinyoung agrees empathetically after a pause. "It was something _better_ than easy. It was _worth it_."

Jaebum's arms tighten around him emotionally, and Jinyoung breathes with pleasure, continuing.

"It's when it's difficult to hang on, but you can't let go... that you truly know how deep your love is."

He flushes, burying his face in Jaebum's chest again at the word _love_ , at their sweet nothings. They've become one of those couples that give even themselves second-hand embarrassment.

"Anyway," he can't seem to stop his corny blabbering, continuing to address Jaebum's shirt, "I think I'm the kind of person who only loves one person their whole life."

He is surprised to hear Jaebum reply this time, with a laugh rumbling against Jinyoung's cheek. "I think I'm the same." He cards his fingers through Jinyoung's hair when Jinyoung tries to look up to see his expression, keeping his head pressed to his body. Jinyoung closes his eyes unresistingly, sighing in bliss. Jaebum's uneven, breathless heartbeat is a melody he wants to spend the rest of his life memorizing.

 

 _All these blessings_ , Jinyoung thinks instead, inhaling Jaebum's intoxicating scent deeply. _All this happiness_. No one else could have given it to him except Jaebum. Every day, he realises anew how deep this love is -- how deep and enduring.

"Why do you love me?" he teases, fishing for compliments a little himself as they finally stroll back after lazing on the shoreline for a shamelessly indulgent amount of time until they are forced to leave by the tide coming in. "Tell me specifically what you like about me," he adds demandingly.

Jaebum laughs in quiet delight, not seeming embarrassed and even eager to answer his question.

"Well, obviously it's your glamorous body," he teases at first, and giggles immaturely when Jinyoung pouts, appalled at his superficiality.

"But also..." Jaebum takes his chin and gazes into his eyes, turning serious, "How opinionated, idealistic and strong-willed you are. The size of your heart and the depth of your soul." His face relaxes into a more playful grin, deliberately pretending not to see Jinyoung's expectantly pursed up lips. "Does this answer make you happy?"

 

Jinyoung dreams that he's fourteen again, fourteen and falling hopelessly and desperately in love with Im Jaebum. When he wakes up, he's twenty-three and still in love. The only thing that has changed is his age. Everything else -- the newness of the feelings, the intensity -- is still the same.

It's the first day of the rest of their lives. The world seems to know it, the morning sky dawning an almost cloudless coral blue. It's the perfect day to get hitched.

Homosexual marriage is still not legalized in Korea, but they had decided to hold a small, unofficial ceremony anyway. Not a wedding, without a priest or a marriage certificate -- just an intimate, casual gathering of close friends and family to witness their union and have a good time.

This isn't the first time they've been partners-in-crime -- growing up, they could always count on each other to be their trusty accomplices. When Jinyoung tells Jaebum that he misses breaking the rules with him, Jaebum grins and catches him in a breathless, sweeping kiss. "I'm sure we'll have many more chances, when we have the rest of forever."

 

"Congratulations, Jinyoung-ssi," Sooyeon tells him, smiling brightly and warmly as she arrives for the beachside ceremony on the very expanse of sand Jaebum had asked Jinyoung for the rest of his forever. "I wish the both of you the best in everything."

Jinyoung thanks her shyly with as much sincerity. They had invited both her and her fiance, who had arrived on her arm as her plus one. It's the first time Jinyoung is meeting him but from the way Dabin looks up at him adoringly, hanging off his arm, he already likes the polite man with an easygoing smile.

 

As he watches Jaebum walk down the aisle, looking excruciatingly awkward and ridiculously red under the teary eyes of their relations and friends, Jinyoung sees a montage of him through the years like a reel of movie flashbacks. He's known Jaebum at nearly every age and there hasn't been one when he hasn't been beautiful, but none as beautiful as at twenty-five, looking like a Greek god, all bronze skin and white tux, glowing like sunlight streaming through a dusty window.

Jaebum looks relieved when he finally completes the ten steps and is standing in front of Jinyoung, sweating slightly. Jinyoung resists the urge to laugh, to cry.

"Jaebum..."

"Jinyoung."

Jaebum's sparkling eyes whisper the unsaid three words to him, his smile blinding. Their attention is drawn by a sweet, bell-like voice beside them calling their names and they both look down to see the flower girl in a tiara and two ribboned ponytails (courtesy of Jackson's wedding hairstylist services) and a sherbet lavender dress (courtesy of Mark's wedding sponsoring).

"Your daughter looks beautiful," Jinyoung leans over to whisper to Jaebum, winking at Dabin's gap-toothed beam.

" _Our_ daughter," Jaebum corrects softly, taking his eyes off her to gaze at Jinyoung with equal pride.

Jinyoung melts into the warmth that overwhelms him. He had always dreamt of having a child with Jaebum, but never dared to hope... so Dabin was like a gift that had dropped right from heaven. And Jinyoung loves her like his very own, couldn't love her more if she was his flesh and blood.

Jaebum looks so heartbreakingly handsome in angel white that Jinyoung barely registers the vows they echo in his daze, to love and honour each other, in sickness and in health, in both the good and bad times. The words blur together behind his thumping heart but it doesn't matter because he reads them clear as a book in Jaebum's steady eyes and his soft, soft smile.

 _I'll stand by you. Always_.

 

Everything changes. But Jinyoung is sure that the one thing that never will is his heart for Jaebum.

And as he looks into Jaebum's eyes and the rest of the world fades away, he is finally sure that Jaebum's heart never will too. Surer than sure.

 

Jaebum looks much more relaxed after the main part of the ceremony is over and the guests have drifted off to circulate with each other, all eyes and attention finally off the two of them. Jinyoung enjoys the intimacy too, as the wedding playlist they had picked together starts playing over the outdoor stereo system and the opening guitar chords of Shania Twain's _You're Still The One_ comes on.

"Hey," Jaebum says, one of his hands coming up to the small of Jinyoung's back and pulling him playfully against him, the other settling comfortably on his waist. "It's our song."

They barely register Mark and Jackson leaning their foreheads against each other and staring gooeily into each other's eyes, almost eskimo-kissing, the only same-sex couple on the dance floor beside them and easily the most demonstrative, before Jaebum steals the entirety of Jinyoung's vision with his bewitching eyes.

As they waltz slowly at a rhythm and pace of their own, they talk easily like the best friends they still are and will always be, first and foremost. Jinyoung can't believe he's become one of those lucky people who can say _I married my best friend_.

It's easily the happiest day of Jinyoung's life. It means so much to him, just being able to be openly acknowledged by their loved ones, receiving their blessings and approval. It's all both of them could wish for.

 

"Hyung," he whispers, and Jaebum laughs, interrupting him gently before he continues.

"I'm not your hyung anymore. I'm your husband now."

"Well, what should I call you, then?" Jinyoung stammers, flustered.

Jaebum smirks, close-mouthed and catlike. "Just call me... _Jaebum-ah_."

Jinyoung shudders at the intimacy with which Jaebum breathes his own name, right in the middle of the dance floor. The bedroom voice he expects from Jinyoung.

He takes a deep breath. Then he murmurs, " _Jaebum-ah_..." so huskily that Jaebum almost trips over his feet and loses his balance. When he rights himself his face is bright red.

"I didn't ask you to moan!"

"I didn't moan!" Jinyoung hisses back indignantly, embarrassment contagious. "I was just imitating you."

He's suddenly laughing so hard at Jaebum's klutziness he can barely breathe, stepping clumsily and heavily all over Jaebum's feet. His injured yelps only make Jinyoung laugh harder as they lurch over the dance floor trying not to fall off it laughing until Jinyoung's stomach hurts. He gasps and clutches his stitch, resting his chin on Jaebum's shoulder. His face hurts too because he can't stop smiling like an idiot.

It's not just happiness he's feeling. It's euphoria.

 

When he tells Jaebum so, he murmurs with satisfaction in his ear, "Good. I'm going to make every day of your life from now on just as _euphoric_."

It's the most beautiful promise Jinyoung has ever heard, and even better, he has no doubt Jaebum will carry through on every word of it.

 

They leave straight for their honeymoon after the ceremony, leaving behind their cheerfully waving friends to clear up the mess of the party and take care of their touchingly co-operative and obedient daughter.

When they are older and more stable and have accumulated their savings, Jaebum solemnly promises Jinyoung they will elope to Vegas to get married truly and legitimately.

"It doesn't matter, hyung," Jinyoung says, voice teasing as he lowers his sunglasses to look at Jaebum over the rims. They are speeding down the highway in Mark's convertible with the top down and Jaebum's hair is wildly tousled by the wind, his hand on the wheel looking capable and masculine. "It's just a piece of paper. Of course it'll be nice to have, but I already feel like we're truly married now. Don't you?"

Jaebum takes his eyes off the road for a nanosecond and looks over at him, smiling. He takes his hand off the gearshift to reach for Jinyoung's, lifting it to his lips for a careless kiss, eyes back on the road. "I feel the same."

 

The mix tape Jaebum had made for their trip to the airport plays softly in the background, the noise almost whipped up by the wind. But then Jinyoung catches the beginning notes of a familiar song, and looks over at Jaebum in surprise.

"Again?" he asks, smile creeping onto his face as he leans back against the headrest and turns up the volume to enjoy the melody.

"Of course," Jaebum replies, a smile in his voice. "Always."

 

 _Looks like we made it_  
_Look how far we've come my baby_  
_I'm glad we took the long way_  
_But we knew we'd get there someday_  
_They said, I bet they'll never make it_  
_But just look at us holding on_  
_We're still together, still going strong_...

 

Jaebum presses Jinyoung into the mattress on their first night as husband and husband in a bed in another country, oceans away from home.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Jinyoung raises a coquettish eyebrow.

Jaebum laughs softly, eyes filled with warmth and hunger. "Call me daddy," he demands, voice husky.

"What? Again?" Jinyoung pretends to groan, hiding his blushing cheeks with his hands but peeking up through his fingers.

Jaebum nods breathlessly, smiling down at him and stroking his hair off his face.

"Are you going to call me baby, then?" Jinyoung teases, almost eagerly.

But Jaebum shakes his head, lips pressed together in a suppressed smile.

"I'll call you..." He leans down to whisper hotly in Jinyoung's ear. "... sugar."

Jinyoung is panting when Jaebum moves back to look at him again, tongue-tied like he's not nearly twenty-four but fourteen. Jaebum looks smug at his ability to render Jinyoung speechless, finishing with a smile that could start wars and end cities,

"After all, like Dabin said... you're the sugar to my daddy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this IS the end but fml the authors notes got too long and exceeded the character limit by just a bit so i had to post them in the next chapter im sorry for the ugliness and confusion i know its not part of the fic but i had nowhere else to post it lmfao anyway i would be very grateful if you go on to the next chapter and read it! :)
> 
> ps. im sry for the random insertion of you're still the one lol its just one of my favourite songs that i want to get married to ;u;


	27. authors notes

im going down with this fic istg pls throw confetti for me as i hobble past the finishing line lmao... heAVES im sorry if the ending seems anticlimactic idk why my writing suddenly became kinda lackluster and ugly and i didnt mean to post 2 updates in a day lol i just suddenly got the urge to finish it off after posting the last chapter i guess. anyway pls bear with me just a while more while i get my end-of-fic authors notes out of the way!! :) this is the longest fic i have ever written in my life, even longer than my previous longest patisserie (i was glad when this surpassed it lol im weird that way with comparing my own fics with each other) and i honestly feel like i was going through labour for the past nearly three months and trying to push this whole fic out of me and my readers were the people holding my hands and cheering me on ;; ngl if all writers had support groups like this no one would find writing a solitary and tedious process honestly. my updates were so frequent because when im writing chaptered fics the inspiration and ideas usually hit me quicker than i can keep up with so im always racing to write as quickly as the plot unfolds in my head lol. anyway as im sure readers remember i nearly gave up a few times along the way but im so relieved i didnt with the encouragement of my readers and managed to finish this monster off ;; im aware that it got draggy at more than a few parts but im really glad i got to continue after jaebum's part and write out all the ideas i wanted to for this fic or i would probably have regretted later and felt it incomplete haha. i never planned from the start for this fic to become another 'lavender notes' but i guess it turned out similar, though jinyoung's part is still less than half of jb's... i dont think i'll ever take on the challenge of such a long fic again because writing chaptered fics is always a very draining and long haul process that takes a lot of stamina and tbh i feel like the stress of writing this took 10 yrs off my life lmao.

but despite all the intensive work i put in the past few months, this rollercoaster ride was all worth it because of every single individual person who read this fic, with most reading almost as fast as i posted it *-* i dont think anybody, including me, expected this fic to grow to 135k (holy shit) when it started out, so i really want to thank the readers who were so sporting, supportive and patient about the time it took for me to develop and conclude this story ;; just like its the longest fic i've ever written, i believe that it may be the longest fic most readers have ever read too, and for that i would like to say congratulations to every one of you who managed to reach this point lol. as a reader myself i know best that i would never dedicate the time to reading a 135k long fic unless i really love and am immersed in the verse (maybe im just an impatient reader idk) so i honestly really appreciate the readers who stayed with me till the end TT i know it was almost as equal a commitment you put into reading this as i did writing it :')

one of the reasons i enjoy writing chaptered fics most is the people i meet in the process of writing it. every chaptered fic that i've written has led me to meet a unique, different and equally wonderful group of people who have brought joy and warmth i will keep with me long after the fic ends into my life. and this may sound random but i wanted to give a shoutout to the people who always tweet about this fic or me or my other fics (you know who you are ;)) its just really nice to see people mentioning me or my fics every time i search myself haha. and i cant mention it enough but im eternally amazed and floored by the sheer number of kudos this fic has managed to accumulate in such a short time which i know readers have been very generous with despite the fic's flaws! ;;

last but not least, i just wanted to mention that if anyone wants to write a side story for the markson here or even the jjp, feel free to! or for any other of my fics for that matter, anyone who wants to write anything inspired by or in their verses has my permission :) i just thought i would mention it in case anyone wanted to because one of my readers and friends wrote a lovely beautiful jjp side story for tea lights (which you can go and check out if you ship jjp, its in my gifts) and another good friend has also told me shes working on a fic inspired by azzurrite :)

if anyone is still sad about saying goodbye to this verse and these characters, even after so long (lol), dont be! i have many other wips coming up, like a markjinbum fic, the rest of my xx hours fills (dw i havent forgotten them :p), the last chapter of 'until' (because it bothers me that its unfinished), my got7 rare pair bingo fills, and the bambam pov and markson side story of my bbam zombie fic haha. let me know which one you think i should work on first if you want!

to every single person who has read all the chapters and authors notes up till here... whether or not you left me kudos or comments, i just want you to know how much i appreciate and know how much painstaking time and effort you put in. there are so many meaningful things people could be doing with their time and no one ever has enough of it so the fact that YOU chose to spend so many hours of your precious and important life with me, in this verse... it means everything :3


End file.
